I hope my question doesn’t appear too insensitive, but I could use some feedback…

Since there are 5 siblings, why do you have to be the one to take your mother in? Why can't one of your siblings do it for your mother?

Have you explained to your mother how your father's death in your home affected you and still affects you. Unfortunately you seem to have taken an action without considering the likely consequences, now the best thing you can do is to be open with Mum and come to an agreement that she will go into a hospice when the time comes if this is known. If she passes suddenly then you will probably feel very different to your father who was nursed and had incoming care in your home. Every passing is different and few can be planned but make an agreement with her now and talk about how you feel.

I don't want to be insensitive either, but can I just ask a bit more about your father's death? What are you remembering when you look to where it happened?

The thing is. Come what come may, you are not going to have the same experience with your mother. Of course that doesn't mean it's something you'll want to dwell on every night, staring at the ceiling... "sheesh. Six inches from my left shoulder...." but it *may* mean that you're dreading a paper tiger.

Practical matters: do you have a room in the main house where you could set up a hospital bed and comfortable, cheerful furnishings ready for when she needs hospice?

Here are two different approaches. The first is to move mother into a different room when she gets closer to the end, so that she will not actually die in what will then become your own bedroom. (Or of course find hospice that provides somewhere different, as already suggested). Perhaps move her current bed to a different position in the room and leave it there for a while before moving it to the different room, so you don’t have a mental picture of mother in exactly the same place in the room when you ‘re-purpose’ the room.

The second is to ‘get over it’. Like your own concern, this does sound a bit insensitive. However most houses of any age have had deaths take place in them, and older houses have had many births/ stillbirths/ illnesses as well. If you read Dorothy Sayers murder mysteries, in ‘Busman’s Honeymoon’ Lord Peter Wimsey says that generations of his ancestors had been both born and died in the same bedroom and in the same carved bed (I think they changed the mattresses!). This was when the honeymooners were facing a night in the murdered man’s bed. I’ve read of young couples being determined to ‘build their own house’ new, to be absolutely positive that no-one had died in it. It’s not very intelligent – if a child died, would they move out?

When I have a disturbed night, I sleep in the single bed that was my mother's. When my elder sister Mary was 15, me 12, younger sister 9, we shared a large bedroom. My grandfather (who lived with us and my single mother) died at home of cancer, and in a week or two Mary moved into his room. My mother wouldn’t have put up with a difficult hissy fit at such a stressful time, but I can’t remember that Mary ever raised a problem with it. There really wasn’t much choice, and leaving the room empty wasn’t sensible.

I’d certainly plan on a redecoration of the room, different color, different bed (presumably queen will be necessary instead of single/ hospital), different curtains, different furniture position etc.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do, Margaret

Thank you both for your replies…..right now she is not in hospice, it was my dad who was in hospice; she seems quite healthy for a 90/almost 91 year old! I’m just thinking ahead. And I didn’t promise her she would never see a nursing home - that’s just what she wants. I did tell her I would try to care for her at home as long as I could. I was just wondering what my options would be as time went on…..thanks again!

You will no doubt also remember that your mom lived here when you look over....I don't know that this will help or be an answer for you, but you say she has hospice....many of the hospice programs in our area have space in a nursing home (not really an answer for your situation) OR they have an actual hospice house and sometimes the patient is transferred there when the end is near and there is justification...maybe pain /medication management for respite for caregivers? From what I've been hearing, sometimes the care in a hospice "house" so to speak may be better than that provided in home....I am not an expert on that

Mom can be as adamant as she wants but you never know what the future will bring. Please, never promise her that you will not place her. She is 90 and her body is wearing out. If she doesn't have major health problems she may in the future. You may not be physically able to care for her. She may have a stroke that fully incapacitates her.

Are there hospice homes near you. My Aunt was in one and said it was really nice. Medicare pays for the care but not the facility, so that would be private pay.