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Hi all. I am a 44 year old single male from London. I live with my father who is now 83 and was diagnosed with vascular dementia in 2013. I lost my mother in 2012. My parents were divored since 1977 when I was just 2 years old My father had custody of me. I was brought up away from home in a boarding school from the age of 8 which made the relationship with my father very difficult. He is a very stubborn difficult man and as the years have progressed he has got worse and worse. He sits all day doing nothing. He smokes 30 cigarettes per day, is miserable and has no family or friends around him. Even I hate being in the same room as him as there is nothing to talk about.


I work full time in an office and I usually sit with him for 1 hr. after work Monday to Friday. Its often just silence or arguments. He drives me mad. He wont accept help. Doesn't want to go into care and he makes my life hell. I have often wished him dead. I feel bad wishing that but he has hurt me a lot over the years. He is very demanding and has no respect for me. He thinks because he owns the house that he can do what he likes and in some respects he can but if I had a pound for every time he has told me to leave the house I would be a very rich man. When he doesn't get his way he is often quick to say go find somewhere else to live. He wont even watch tv. He has no interest in anything. All he does is annoy me. Its like he lives just to annoy me . His dementia is very bad and I could go on and on with examples of his behaviour but it would just be loads to read. He doesn't appreciate anything I do for him.


I'm all he has and he treats me like a piece of dirt on his shoe. He tells me now that he wishes he never had me. Can you imagine how that makes me feel? I have done nothing except try to help him over the last 40 years. He is a terrible hoarder, just wants to keep everything. He is losing capacity and often forgets things such as day, date, time. He has meals on wheels now which he seems to like but then wont throw away the containers. He leaves them to pile up to the point where it attracts flies. He wont throw away anything, keeps everything and I have had to do a lot myself to keep the place reasonably clutter free. He fights me on everything. We had social services involved and they did various assessments. He said if he goes into care he will commit suicide. He said he wants to live and die in his own house. He is so argumentative and will even argue with Dr's, hospital staff etc. I also run a small business from home which is letting the top of the house out and there a five tenants. He keeps interfering. He has very strange and erratic behavior and tenants have complained before.


I am looking into putting a care package in place for him so someone can come in for a few hours each day. He said he wants a woman carer. Adamant about it. Wont accept a male carer. He is awkward and difficult in every way. This is only a small birds eye view of my situation. I dont know how things are going to end up. People have said if he continues to live it is going to get worse. I'm not looking forward to this at all. He has just recently given me the power of attorney but this was not easy to get. His memory is very bad, some days he has good capacity and other days not so good. He recently asked how mum died and what she died of. I refused to have the conversation with him because he just goes on asking the same questions over and over and doesn't except the answers. He is like this with everything. The least you tell him the better. The more dialogue you have the more time he will keep you there arguing. He bangs on my door late at night. Will stand there kicking it until I answer. It's never anything important just useless rubbish. The same with telephone calls. If he rings me and I dont answer he will keep calling over and over until I do. He never thinks I am busy or can't talk. Last record was 60 missed calls all in space of 1 min gap between each call.

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Three letters: MHA. You're in London, they run services there, Google "MHA dementia care" and lean on them heavily. They are brilliant.

Who's putting together the package of care?

I know how hard this is to hear when you are going through what you're going through at the moment, but do not blame your father for what he cannot help. He cannot help that his brain is disintegrating, and most of the behaviours you describe are due to that. Stop expecting normality from him, he just can't do it.

I also realise this doesn't address any of the hurt from earlier in your life, only now is not the time to try to resolve that.

PLEASE stay in touch with this brilliant forum. It is a breath of fresh air, and full of people from all over the world who really DO understand what this unique part of hell feels like.
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Obviously he is manipulating you, hanging the house over your head. Have you had him evaluated? If not, I would. Get the mental evaluation in writing.

I agree with others, this will get worse...as for a female caretaker, I would pass on that idea.

As for the suicide, if it were me, as soon as he states that I would call 911 or your local service. Document this too. You can also call social services to come in and view how he lives.

The ultimate goal, I would think, is to place him in AL, you are living in a prison with invisible bars, you hold the key in the palm of your hand, use it.
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MOVE OUT and far away.
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Well, the one thing we can be assured of that nothing here is going to change. I think that whether he "wants" to stay home or not is not the question.
I You say his dementia is bad. That will not change either, and truth is that you are dealing with a Dad you were never close to, and at this point you are not dealing even with the man who was, as you are dealing with the disease.
It is not fair to force you into a position living with someone you truly wish would pass on.
If there are funds, Dad should have them for his care; you should move out. If not, placement should occur and you still should move out. I can't see another way. MHA is mentioned by CountryMouse. Do access them; I know nothing about what is available there in the UK, but there must be something. I think you should not set yourself a date to leave. Do what you can. If you can do nothing, notify authorities that you have left and there is an "at risk" elder at that address. Despite his determination to kill himself with cigarettes, this gentleman could easily live at least another 10 or 15 years. You deserve to have a life.
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In order to stop some of the arguments and to perhaps help you to not be so agitated, try to understand that his forgetfulness and his repetitions are the result of his dementia. It does no good to expect him to be reasonable because he can't. Because you never had a good relationship with him, it is very difficult to now have a decent father-son exchange. "The least you tell him the better" ??? Try to change the subject, rather than ignore him because he will just keep circling back to his question. Is there anything, photos or stories, from his past that you could divert his attention to? Even if he goes to a nursing home you will be visiting, I assume, so it is important for your own well being to try to understand what is going on with your father. But you cannot do this alone, so get help and talk to people about it.
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I forgot to say and don't want you to get the wrong impression - they don't only do care homes. Go to https://www.mha.org.uk/find_a_service/ and you'll see the full range. As your father is resistant to support, look at their Live At Home Schemes and see if you can get the ball rolling that way.
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First, is he safe to be left alone?

He very unlikely will commit suicide if he is placed in a care facility. It is a common threat. Playing Devil's Advocate here, if he did your troubles would be over...

It does not sound like he has any reasoning skills left. Is he even safe alone during the day?

Block his calls when you are at work, then you will not be annoyed by the frequency of them. He can call emergency services if there is an emergency.

Getting a carer during the day, most carers are female, so he likely would be getting a woman, but if he misbehaves, she will quit and he will be back to square one.
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Please follow CM's recommendation to go to MHA, and please come back to let us know what happens!
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Lack of stimulation ( no one to talk to, no interaction with anyone, no TV,staring at the walls all day) will make the dementia worse.
Chain smoking will make the dementia worse.
If he has dementia and smokes, he is at risk of burning that house down, especially if he is a hoarder. If you have tenants, that is a HUGE liability. You have a right to be concerned. It's not a safe situation. Sorry for your troubles.
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He is probably very bored. I know like when my father is bored he smokes a lot. He needs to be occupied with music or tv or someone to talk to. Of course, he needs to be willing as well. Its difficult and very draining. That's why you need help. He's not going to accept help if he has you there. If you move, he has no choice but to hire someone.
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