I just found out mom’s beloved caregiver, who lived-in Monday-Friday, used mom’s credit card for fraudulent purchases a week before she died.
I trusted her implicitly. I put her name in the obituary. Mom treated her like family, even though she said she would never accept a caregiver in the home. I gave her furniture, dishes, clothes and more as we were cleaning out the house.
Very early on when we were paying cash, I accidentally gave her an envelope with a LOT of extra cash in it (I handed her the wrong envelope). She called ME to tell me before I even noticed it, and returned the money immediately.
Toward the end, when mom was getting argumentative and complaining, the aid asked for more cameras (which mom didn’t want) for the aid’s protection.
I even gave the aid the key to the controlled med box toward the end, because mom was in hospice for over 6 months and I was exhausted running over there managing the meds all the time. There was never a problem.
I told the credit card company I would never stop fighting the fraud case, because their initial “investigation” said that mom went to Nordstrom in person, used the card and signed the receipt a week before she died. Mom was bed bound the entire time, and I was deeply offended that they concluded this.
Now I’m literally sick to my stomach and feel like crying. Everything has been an uphill climb since mom died (hoarded house {clean hoarding}, brother moving in, timeshare battle), but this just breaks my heart.
This Stay At Home Care thing is soooo very stressful, me, I would never attempt it. I am the kind of person that doesn't think one has to sit in a front row seat to be a good caregiver.
I am sorry about all of this, you will get through it, focus on going forward, let go of the past, serves no purpose will just keep you stuck.
Not to minimize or condone what was done but…..
Lily, I think I would try to let some of this anger go for your own sanity and stress level . Mom was taken care of , Mom liked this carer .
Unfortunately , it is common for people ( especially those who don’t make a lot of money ) to be tempted to use another’s credit card. It’s so easy to do. This is exactly why residents in facilities should not have credit cards .
I worked in facilities and sometimes was shocked to learn that some of the best staff would steal . It happens in all jobs , not just caregiving .
People steal computers, phones , they steal cash. credit cards out of coworkers purses . My DH even had his lunch stolen at work once .
I do hope things get better for you .
You feel violated, In your own home when that happens. Some people are just sick in the head
I am so sorry 😔
Remember brother had access to the house too. Maybe he bought something for exgirlfriend to try and win her back.
Or maybe mom said she could use the card. Mom was always calling the shots with the aides.
He never had a steady job, which is why the Aid worked all the time. Who knows? Maybe he took a picture of the CC while the Aid was getting the laundry. I would like to believe there is another explaination. And I will not press charges. But I WILL let her know when I get the actual documentation. It’s just another kick in the head.
It is difficult to do this especially at home if a person is still using their card , able to order things for themselves online etc.
But I think this thread is a cautionary tale . When someone at home gets this debilitated , or near death , I think the temptation to steal grows and it’s time to take the credit cards , important papers , jewelry etc away .
And the temptation applies to hired help as well as visitors and some family members .
As for her, I would inform her that the only thing you’re going to say about her is that you wish you hadn’t hired her, no further questions allowed.
It makes utterly no sense to be so good so long and then do this.
You say it was delivered to Sister in laws home; you need to talk to the aid at once and tell her what happened and tell her that you will be pressing charges.
Needless to say all your Mom's credit stuff through experian, transunion and equifax gets shut down with death certificate and report of her death and report of fraudulent activity.
How do you know it was this trusted person?
What proof do you have? You say she was there alone caring at some times. Did the SIL come with her to your Mom's house? You have cameras and should know if they were together there and what they were doing.
Did store cameras show a picture of her?
Who else had access to your mother?
I am assuming, since Hospice was caring for her, that hospice caregivers ALSO had access.
I see you already WON with the credit card. That would have been a given. That isn't the point. The point is that this seems highly unlikely. NO ONE would be so utterly STUPID as to do this when she has access, when this woman is dying. I cannot imagine someone that dumb, and it certainly isn't the person you described.
You need to now freeze down everything tight. These things can happen when a senior is dying or has recently died, and these predators know what they are doing, but unless you have SOLID proof this woman did this, you need not to make any accusations without it.
Again, from all you tell us (and we cannot know more) this sounds about as unlikely as it gets.
But I guess stranger things have happened, and what an awful thing to add to your grief in this senseless way.
I would definitely mention to the aide about what happened (without being accusatory) but then I would drop it and remove it from my memory card.
Remember the good times she gave you and your Mom, mourn your Mom and then live your life as your Mom would want you to.
Peace
"... I was finally able to get the evidence over the phone and the merchandise was delivered to the address the aid used to live at, and the phone # was the aid’s SIL. The CC company now says they are going to write it off as fraud. But not until I fought it -I had gotten a letter saying they were making a claim on the estate."
This kind of theft is a often a crime of opportunity. But the fact that she waited until your Mom was nearly passed tells me she might have been seasoned enough to know that the timing of her theft was important.
How much money are we talking about? Against your Mom's estate, if it isn't in the thousands I would let it go and mourn your Mom.
The main thing is to get that credit card closed, which seems like has happened since you contacted credit card company. Also to make sure that past caregiver has no access to any other cards or accounts that she could charge to
As others have said, if the amount of money is not too high, you may want to let it go and not fight it. You must have a lot going on in the mourning and post-death process and if this was not a large amount of money, perhaps drop endless calls with credit card company.
The executor of the estate (is that you ?) can decide what to do if CC company still sends a bill. Whether to pay or leave it be..?
When my mom died, some family members were concerned about the care she got in her final weeks in nursing home and wanted to fight and make claims. Close family did not want to go into any such legal actions that were not going to change the outcome, so we told everyone to just drop the thoughts of legal fights etc. We needed to mourn, and starting legal claims was not going to help matters.
I am so sorry this has happened. It’s not the first time that this has happened and it won’t be the last.
I know of one situation that was particularly horrendous. The caregiver conned my friend’s godmother to change her will and she ended up getting everything.
The woman didn’t have children. My friend was supposed to inherit her godmother’s condo, furniture, car, jewelry, etc.
My friend was like you. She trusted the caregiver because she was so good at her job.
It’s too bad that this lovely caregiver successfully stole everything. My friend contacted a lawyer and he said that everything was legal.
She opted not to fight it. I was upset that my friend didn’t try to fight it. She was grieving horribly for her godmother and didn’t want to spend money on legal fees.
I had a situation when I was on bedrest with my high risk pregnancy. I hired a housekeeper.
I witnessed her stealing right in front of my eyes. She couldn’t deny it because I caught her red handed.
Naturally, I was taken aback because this woman came highly recommended. I told her to leave my house immediately and I hired another housekeeper who was terrific.
To the person who implied that I changed my story. It was the credit card company who sent me a letter saying the physical card was used in a store, which was what made me upset enough to keep pursuing this. It was a week before mom died. She could barely get to the commode. I knew from the beginning it was an online purchase (Nordstrom direct). Mom never shopped there once in her life, and when i called them they confirmed this.
There's no way mom gave the aid permission to use the card. Mom was terrified of fraud and everything had to be paid by check (the least secure way of paying). Plus mom gave the aid a birthday card with $10 (I think) in it (I got her a nice gift on my own to make up for it). No way mom would suddenly gift her $500 when we were bleeding money paying her $2500/week.
Also, I don’t think there was anything special about the timing. It posted a week before she died, the day before she started the sudden nosedive leading to her death. It looks like at the time of actual purchase mom was still on her long plateau. I hope this clears things up.
I only posted because I was a gut punch when I got the info. Not to mention I was already incensed that the CC company sent a new card a pin number to her house a month after I hand delivered the certified death certificate, and didn't suspend the charges while under investigation, so “mom” was getting increasingly threatening letters about delinquency, collections, etc. It was maddening.
I have much bigger fish to fry, like the timeshare company, and getting my brother out of the house, fixing up the house and selling it.
Thank you, as always, for all your kind words and support.
I am so sorry in all of the grief and the fast and furious of everything after a death, that this shock came for you, and it IS A SHOCK.
I hope you will update us after you let her know. I would be interested in her reaction.
I think I would tell her, gently and lovingly:
"____(name), I am so sorry but I have to inform you of something. Mom's card number was used to purchase something from Nordstrom's. The purchase was sent to your SIL's house. We have reported the fraud, and if we find other problems we will have to make a police report reporting. I am worried, if family accompanied you to Mom, that someone may have taken her credit information. We have shut down everything and put fraud alerts through experian, transunion and equifax. But I need you to know this because you will be working for others and I am worried for your safety."
Let us know any reaction you see. Best to you, Lily. Take it a day at a time. Things will get done.
I’m so sorry that this happened to you.
Thank you for your updates. If it makes another person aware enough to avoid this issue, it has been sure worth your time having this thread.
Let us know how it goes with the caregiver. She deserves to know.
No worries, Karma will pay the aid a visit in the future .
I think you'd do well and many other people here as well, to read up on what karma and karmic belief actually is.
I just got my mothly statement from my credit card company last week. Turns out someone hacks my personal Visa account that I have a numerical pass code on and was able to make purchases. I never let anyone use it and there are no authorized users on any of my credit cards.
Yet someone was able to use it.
I this aide has been honest and provided good service to your mother for years, don't be so quick to accuse her of running the card up.
I haven't seen a credit card where a person had to sign a receipt in years. They're all chip readers these days. If I were you, I'd tell Nordstrom that you need to see a copy of the signed receipt with your mother's name on it for the purchases. Also, you want a print-out of what the purchases were.
If everything went down as the credit card company is saying it did, they will provide you with these records. My bet is they don't have them. Someone got ahold of your mother's credit card number and ran up a bill. It was probably done online. Nordstrom is trying to get you to pay for their faulty security.
Don't pay these people. The charges aren't your mother's.
True, everything is done by chip these days.
The only time I sign for a purchase is when the store has outdated equipment and they still require a signature. It’s an electronic signature though and no one can read those.
There have been incidents reported on our local news shows. It seems that gas station employees and restaurant workers have stolen credit card numbers to order items online.
Yeah, crooks will always find a way to retrieve credit card information.
I’m sorry your trust was damaged. It is hard not to take that personally. She was trusted with someone you love and that really hurts. Plus it makes us not trust our own judgment when something like this happens and that’s a larger crime.
Wishing you brighter days ahead.
For @Burnt no I don't believe a caregivers family should be allowed over to a clients house, ever. I don't care if the person being cared for calls the caregiver family. To maintain professionalism only the person being paid should be the one allowed in the house.
Same with bringing a child with you to a clients home. It should never happen. Not to say it doesn't happen in an emergency situation, but really it just blurs lines and can create unintended issues down the road for the caregiver and the client.
I would think since you own a care giving company that this is stipulated to your employees about keeping those boundaries and not having family over, doing laundry at clients house, etc. Because it really is a slippery slope when you start doing that.
Here was Lily trying to be kind to someone she really almost "loved" for her good care. She was trying to provide her family with laundry services free. And the result likely is this, with this family possibly parasites living off this caregiver. Ruining her reputation. And if Lily doesn't let the caregiver know what happened she cannot even protect her reputation in future from this occurring again.
Should my uncle have locked all his valuables up in a cage inside his home and placed the key in a safety deposit box at the bank??? Then some would be whining about A Lack Of Trust For The Caregiver and the unfairness of such a thing.
Bad things DO happen when hiring in home help, as it has in this case. While the caregiver herself was not guilty, her SIL was. The OP was not far off the mark in the end.
Lily, I'm glad moms caregiver was not to blame here and your trust in her was not compromised. I'm sorry, however, she did not realize her SIL was a thief and allowed her to do laundry at mom's home. None of this is your "fault" in any way, shape or form.
You better believe it happens!
I had a high risk pregnancy and had to have help, because the doctor put me on complete bedrest.
I hired a woman who came highly recommended. I caught her stealing. I immediately told her to leave my home.
This is so gossipy and accusatory and IMO just hypocritical.
First stop using the word trusted, after the fact.
And imagine, if you will someone dealing with a client that is very difficult and you couldn't do it yourself and handing the 'wrong envelope' to her with 'more' money in it and then saying oops, you weren't supposed to get that but the trusted, beloved caregiver/aid gave it back to you.
If you have such bigger fish to fry with a timeshare, and brother in house, why did you come here to complain.
I see a struggling person, working their a** off trying to take care of your mother while she was living and I don't know who took and made a purchase at Norstrom. But let's just rake them through the coals on a forum for agingcare. and they will never know anything about it?? Right?
And guess what that person is out of a job now. ugh, this thread is sickening.