Let me start out by saying I have been taking care of my family since like 14. Mom was in and out of rehads, mental hospitals. Before her suicide I was taking care of her, my stepdad and aunt. Her drug addiction became really bad since my brother had committed suicide years earlier. So, im really at my wits end with caring for anyone. My father has alzheimers and keeps doing whatever he wants to. He's always been the type to try to fix stuff or work on things but he never was good at it. He doesnt listen normally, hes always been a male chauvanist (Idk if i spelled it wrong). I tell him to stop working on my house he just doesn't listen. I don't like the person he was, now I really don't like the person he has become. I took him in a month after I finished my chemo and radiation 4 years ago after he was in a bad car accident. I thought it was going to be temporary. He doesn't do anything but cost me money. He sends money to his so called "girlfriend" who he never sees 3 hours away. I cook, clean, pay all the bills, he helps once in awhile with house bills. He gets almost 4k a month and says hes always broke. Am on his bank stuuf, i have POA but he keeps blocking me from getting into his bank stuff. I have started to look for places for him but he messed up his credit. He fights me on bathing, taking his meds, getting higher doses, I had to call dr to contact DMV so we can get his license taken away asap. He says hes driving till they send the letter. He has terrible credit so I'm not sure I can even get him into a place. I definitely can not afford to pay anything towards a place either. I am depressed and always crying. I feel bad that when he even talks to me I get annoyed. I tried to be patient and understanding it's hard. I try to send him to one of his sisters for a week he refuses to go because he doesn't want to burden anyone but me. I just had a TIA. I'm so stressed that I am having heart issues, I can feel myself just loosing me every hour of every day. Constantly having chest pains. I put a couch in my bedroom and that's where I stay when I'm not cleaning or cooking. My livingroom couch smells where he sits all the time from him just not bathing correctly. My kids are all in college and work so they aren't home much to help. I work full time, in school for my bachelor's in Accounting full time. For the last 4 years I have been dealing with him. He's not even at the worst stage. If you talk to him you can't tell he even has alzheimers. I know it's only going to get worse and if I don't find him a place soon I'm afraid I'm going to end up loosing it. I told my kids don't ever think for a second I want you to deal with this. I will leave them my house, go into a senior apartment but never do I want them to deal with any of this. Thank you to this site for giving me this platform to just do this. I def need therapy after typing all this. My priority first thing Monday.
HUGS to you.
You were a child of trauma so you have been enmeshed and have no boundaries.
He isn’t your problem. Get him out of your house.
You want a trauma therapist, specifically.
You will find endless resources here but it does take some time and focus. The articles are a great way to narrow down your options and knowledge base and the forum is a godsend for support and advice.
As a relative newbie here I’ve found that focusing on specific questions, your most pressing at any given moment, does two things: it gives those on the forum with the most experience in each area a concrete place to start, and it helps you put one foot in front of the other to climb out of the deep hole you’re in. For instance, he has income - is it legally possible to get this mess turned around so that money starts going into his housing and care needs?
Now that you’ve provided a good, solid background, I’m guessing you’re needing to know who or what agency to call first to get this ball rolling and get this man off your smelly couch!
This is your private time.
If you pray, pray.
If you meditate, meditate.
Let God, or the Universe, or whatever, talk to you.
It's a start of the rest of your life.
If he has recovered from his accident, TIME TO GO.
Contact Adult Protective Services and ask for help. Tell them he pays nothing to you and you are physically ill from the stress.
He makes too much money for Medicaid, so he needs to find a Section 8 place to live. Don't dwell on the Alzheimers with APS, since he can't get placed anywhere but maybe a Board & Care home. Look for those in your area. They are less money than a facility.
Otherwise you have to evict him. He's getting a free ride from you and taking total advantage and needs to go!
Wish you luck in this situation!
The bank will have it's own PoA protocol but once you go through he shouldn't be able to block you anymore... If you get this far then do not pay yourself for his room and board without some sort of written contract, otherwise he may never qualify for Medicaid (due to the appearance of gifting).
You can then use his funds to pay for an in-home aid for him. Or, you transition him into an elder group home or NH that he can afford. To help qualify for Medicaid you can look into something called a Miller Trust where one puts their "excess" funds into a trust account so that what remains will qualify them financially. Once the person applys for and gets Medicaid, then passes away, those excess funds go to the state to help cover the cost of his medical care. His SS goes to cover his custodial care.
Therapy is a wise decision. May you gain clarity, better health and peace as you work to find solutions for this situation.
If I were you, I'd call the police and tell them he's making threats and needs a mental health evaluation. They will take him to the ER. Then you refuse to take him back. Ask to speak to a hospital social worker and tell them your health issues and that caring for him in your home is impossible for you. They will find him a facility to go to.
You can also legally evict him from your home because he refuses to pay rent. File eviction papers with the local housing court. In most states he will have 30 days to be out of your home.
Make a choice about which way to go. Therapy might help you to make the choice. So might the ‘quiet time’ that Billy suggests. I’m not religious, but I find 20 minutes sitting in an empty church is a very effective way to get calm inside my head. Best wishes, Margaret