I ask this because I have. I think daily about escape from this prison of servitude that has systematically removed me from the joys of aging and of being a happy participant in and a planner of, birthdays and holidays-which were always my favorite things, and now bring sadness and dread because I no longer have the resources or the energy to do, as well as the daily pain-pain of watching this man drift away in ways that, in themselves are equally tragic to both of us and have no positive resolutions. Yesterday was a good day. I am grateful for it. But that was wiped away at sunrise as he woke with confusion and all that goes with it. The physical pain that my own health issues bring to me daily that I struggle to deal with in order to give care, is often overwhelming. The pain I know he feels somewhere in his confused mind is so sad. Please know that I have, and will again, call a hotline. This has been a very positive experience. I have sought and will continue to seek, counseling. I have people who love me and who I love. I know that ending my own life would cause them tremendous pain, yet this all seems just like a terminal illness. I am not "crying out for help". I sometimes refer to this life experience as "a long day's journey into night", to refer to the play. But some days and in the dark of an interminable sleepless night, I just want to be gone. I am hoping to start an honest dialogue with caregivers and professionals.
I think the issue is that this is a subject that bears discussion, not condemnation for those who might even contemplate it, and especially not moral or religious judgment.
"I have had suicidal thoughts in the past, but I would never act on them"
AND:
"If I ever have a suicidal thought, I do not entertain those thoughts anymore".
That's one extremely good reason not to do it, if you are a member of a faith that teaches this. But I can't see that it's any reason at all not to discuss the feelings that surround it.
And Holy God, Tacy.
The night before the school term began, my son's housemaster locked himself in the garage with his car's engine running. This left his shocked widow in the position where the very next day she had to explain to some forty adolescent boys how the person who was responsible for their welfare felt he had no other option, when she herself had absolutely no idea why.
I'm not sure that other people even flit across the minds of those who have reached final despair.
What”s worse for me is the burn out I’m feeling. I’m just waiting for her to slide back down into helplessness and I resent it. I’m tired of being the cheering section. I’m tired of being the problem solver, the fixer upper, the penny pincher, the repairperson or the contractor. She doesn’t want to be a burden on anybody so she relies on me! I don’t know anything about fixing the plumbing or why the electric bill is so high or why her blood sugar suddenly is soaring. I’ve been trying to do it all for ten years and I’m just tired...
Now I’ve gotten the family a little bit involved. Enough that they want to know why I spent so much on grocerie, why isn’t her calendar up to date, when is her property insurance due. Why can’t they learn what medicine she takes? I’ll still order it, count it and dole it out but why do I have to be the only one who knows?
My brother and sister are going on vacation for the next 2 weeks. Mom has been chair bound for 3 months already. Ya I dream of escape. Mom says I’m always sleeping. I don’t know how long it’s been since I slept a whole night thru. I’ve got her piped in right next to my head on a baby monitor hearing her breathe, watching tv, hearing her phone calls.
I want to help her have a quality life. She's not infirm just weak. That doesn’t mean I like waiting on her hand and foot.
I have to get a grip or I can’t call myself her caretaker anymore, I’m afraid. I don’t like the person I’m turning into that’s for sure.
She didn’t ask to be this way and the alternative is unthinkable. She’s always been there for me. I don’t want to have any regrets so I need to figure out how to get myself right.
She, I am just so sorry. You and your family have been dealt such a series of mean, below-the-belt blows.
And yet. Here you are still standing. And very much needed, as I know you know.
Could you try being a bit impressed with your own strength?
In reading your post you mentioned that you sleep a lot. It sounds like you are in major caregiver burn out/exhaustion and possibly anxiety as well. Talk to your doctor about it. My panic attacks/anxiety were rearing their head when I was going through the hardest time with my honey between Feb and the time he got out of rehab and I found myself either sleeping way too much or not being able to sleep. I have had strokes (13) and have a dormant seizure disorder and due to the stress did not want either to resurface so I talked to my doctor and it helped. Besides the heart meds (diagnosed with heart failure in 2003) and the gabapentin (for the solid headache I have had since Feb 2016) that I take he added a mild anti anxiety med. I only take a half of a pill at a time of the anti anxiety med as I have to stay sharp to take care of my honey's IV but it definitely helped and allows me to maintain my focus. If you have a hobby you like...work on it when you get a few minutes...anything that you enjoy that will relax you. Be sure to take time for yourself even if it is just a few minutes or an hour a day.
Hang in there and please let us know how you are doing.