She has explained that she loves me very much and won't change our phone contact, but she can't handle the anxiety before my trips and sadness when I leave. It takes her too much effort to pretend she isn't in pain or deeply depressed. I understand her views, but I cannot bear the thought that I wont see her anymore. I am grieving for her loss despite her being alive. I can't stop crying. She is 73. My sister thinks she may have more 4 years. The last time I saw her was in Easter 2019. Because of lockdown, currently I am unable to travel. I have children as well. I know my daughter would be devastated to know about this. My mother loves my children too, but she finds we become strangers in the distance and she cannot cope with the process to reacquaint in the 10 days we see each other annually. I have told my mother that I wish to continue seeing her that I am happy to stay somewhere else and just have a coffee. I don't want to give her work, but she says she won't open the door if I show up. I simply cannot put in words how this makes me feel. I haven't experienced this feeling of utter devastation before. I do feel I have lost my mother. She is also very stubborn. I cannot imagine her changing her mind. I understand she is cutting ties with me to ease her pain but by doing so, my heart is bleeding. I wonder whether I should put my thoughts on a letter - as she doesn't have email or Internet. But I don't wish to further deepen her depression and make her regret her decision. However she has just made this and I cannot travel at present, so I would hope my letter makes her reflect on this and she changes her mind for when travel restrictions are lifted. I also wonder whether I should respect her decision regardless of how it makes me feel. I know in a few years, if nothing changes, when she dies, I will have the regret and sadness that I never saw my mother one last time. I just cannot believe I may have seen my mother already for the last time despite the fact she is alive. Any support or words of advice you can offer will be highly appreciated.
You can continue to speak to her on the phone if you like. Avoid bringing up triggers that will set off an unpleasant discussion. Limit the time spoken on the phone and end phone calls that are disturbing.
I am not saying that you shouldn’t feel any pain over the situation. Of course, it hurts.
The fact of the matter is that this is her choice. You can respect her choice even if you disagree with it. She is in continual distress with the current situation.
I completely understand that you are concerned about your mom but do you think that you are allowing the emotions that you are feeling about being rejected to overshadow the larger picture.
If you decide to step aside by not visiting, try to console yourself with knowing that you are giving your mom what she feels she needs at this time in her life, rather than what she is denying you. Does this concept make sense to you?
I have dealt with family members where it has been complicated and emotionally disturbing. Most of us have. No one will go through life without pain.
So much of life is decided for us by circumstances that are beyond our control. The more that we try to control it, the bigger the mess becomes. Acceptance is the tough part and a hard lesson to learn.
Your mother is not dying. She is not about to die. You have no reason to suppose she will die any time soon. This decision is therefore not final. Continue your normal means of communication with your mother and talk to her about something more interesting and less morbid than seeing her for the very last time.
What she said to you, harsh though it looks on the screen, did not come out of the blue. She did not suddenly say "oh, by the way, you're not to visit any more because it totally stresses me out, and if you try it I will slam the door in your face." So how did this come up?
I suspect that she is tired of constant rumination about when she will ever see her children because of Covid this and quarantine that and exclusion lists the other, and would rather operate on the assumption that you will all just have to do without visits.
So DROP IT. Stop bending her ear about it. Do not write to her about it. Communicate with her by telephone and letter and tell her what's going on in your life and your neck of the woods. As the mother of adult children, I can vouch for that being the one subject of consuming interest to her.
I think this may be very revealing, too: where do you live, and where does your mother live?
I’d suggest that you forget this year’s visit and wait to see if things change. Your sister says that she will probably live a few more years, and that gives time for her to change your mind (and for the world to change post Covid, with luck).
In the meantime, I would keep the correspondence going as much as you can. If you don’t have a color printer, get one, print out your phone photos yourself, and post them to her. It's a lot cheaper than a visit! The photo quality isn’t as good, but it isn’t difficult to get your head around how to do it. You can send photos of things like your kitchen, or the weeding you have done, even a meal you have cooked or a shop you use – unimportant things that can tie up with the letter you send with the photo and then be discussed in your phone calls. I find that even better than photos of little children looking cute, because it tells more about your life.
I’d also see if your sister can hire someone to come in with their own gear to bring in so that your mother can try the face time options without needing to understand anything about the techniques. I can understand her not wanting to try to master it herself, even if you pay. It’s complicated and very off-putting for many older people. In my rural area, there are many people who only use a computer when a son or granddaughter is there to make it happen. Your sister might find a high school student who would be happy to earn a little for an hour or so, if you make it clear that they are not ‘teaching’.
It's a tricky situation, but perhaps don't push, keep up the contact, and wait to see if things change. Yours, Margaret
Many thanks for your note and advice.
Best wishes,
Barbara
Maybe a friends and family intervention to get her treated so she doesn't have to live like this.
It does seem a bit odd and I can certainly understand how this hurts you. How does she get along with your sister?
How often do you speak with her on the phone? Is she available to speak on the phone or does she not feel well enough to chat? My mother isn’t always up for long conversations on the phone.
Please try to contact your mother during the year using alternative communication: phone calls, emails, letters, video calls, online face to face chats. Maybe "seeing you" more often will help her to stop feeling like "this visit is the last visit."
I've no idea what that estimate is based on, though.
If your mother is in such chronic pain, as you have stated, she would indeed go to the doctor because NOBODY can bear chronic pain 100% of the time w/o crying Uncle and asking for pain medication.
Sounds like she is trying *and succeeding* in inflicting severe pain on YOU, for some reason. She knows full well that with the virus restrictions in place, nobody is really able to travel, as a rule, so what is her point in telling you NOW not to visit her? See where I'm going with this?
Tell mother you're more than happy to continue your phone conversations with her, as she wishes. Should she change her mind, you're happy to make a visit to see her if/when the restrictions lift. But, for the time being, you're forced to stay put and you'll have to make the phone calls suffice. You're awfully sorry she's in such a deep state of depression and pain, and you highly recommend she see the doctor immediately. Doctors ARE indeed seeing patients in person these days, in case she uses the virus as an excuse.
When a person's pain and misery gets bad enough, they become willing to do ANYTHING to find relief. I often say, we're willing to drink arsenic if it promises to cure our pain. Keep that in mind as you listen to your mother's litany of complaints and reasons for why she 'can't' do what needs to be done with her situation. At 73, she can easily live another TWENTY OR MORE YEARS. And with this attitude, nobody wins, which is sad for all of you. How your sister 'knows' she's going to live 4 more years is questionable. In reality, who knows how long ANY of us is going to live?
Unless she's afflicted with dementia or Alzheimers and her brain is compromised, I vote for this being some sort of play to make you feel guilty for not living closer and having more up-close-and-personal contact with her.
Wishing you the best of luck.
Sorry to say that. Unless Mom is ill with Alzheimer's. And at the relatively young age of 73 why does sister say that she has only four years left? What am I missing in that part of the story? Is she ill? I am 78 and quite active and can tell you that I would NEVER do that to my daughter who lives two states away, but who I also get to see and visit with no more than once a year (treasured times whether we laugh together, walk to the beach and hunt rocks, garden, cook or whatever). She has a life. I do as well. To do something like this to my daughter I would consider to be cruel in the extreme. And just how does NEVER seeing someone help in not seeing them ENOUGH? My brother has been DEAD since May. Hasn't really stopped me missing him.
Unless your Mom has either mental illness or dementia in some stage I have to say that her actions are completely beyond my understanding. Were I to hear something like this from someone I loved, who I assumed loved me? Well, my reaction would NOT be grief, but anger. And I guess I am now angry for YOU, which isn't all that helpful to you. I will hope that others have more constructive ways to answer your query, but for me I will wish you wonderful good luck going forward, and a happy life, and if your Mom doesn't want to see you? Let me tell you that there are Moms in this country EVERYWHERE who have actually lost their much loved daughters before they themselves were set free, and they would absolutely LOVE a visit from someone aqs wonderful as you!
I think it might be very difficult for you both if you were only able to communicate by letter. To me, almost anything is better than receiving a communication several days old.
Another point for you to consider is that out of her love and devotion for you, she is choosing actively to spare you the sorrow of being with her as she declines. What you have written about her is both very beautiful and very touching. Some mothers have arranged for their children to be apart with them when they are entering their last moments.
Since she is so relatively young, if she is not cognitively compromised she might get relief and benefit from a trial of a very mild mood enhancer. Does she receive medical care from a physician who could discuss that possibility with her?
You are a good daughter. See if you can take some gentle steps to developing some kinds of communication while still respecting her desire to maintain her rather fragile autonomy.