I cleaned out all his clothes, sold his model train collection, and just got rid of mostly all of his possessions within about 60 days.
He was a raging alchoholic, and I'm a rescuer and empath by nature.
Due to having a couple of family members who have narcissistic behavior tendencies, I've been researching NPD, and suddenly I realised that my deceased husband was, in fact, a narcissist. What a revelation!!
I felt nothing but relief when he died, and spent a lot of time reconnecting with my children and the rest of my family (this was a second marriage) Never did I ever mourn his loss. I still feel guilt over this.
He had two sons with whom I'm still in contact.
When we get together they have happy memories of their father, and I don't spoil their memories. He treated them well for the most part while he was living, but he seldom saw them. However he was very mean to my two sons and their families, and also my extended family.
How it took this long to realize what was going on, I do not know. I'm a retired registered nurse, I should have picked up on this, and left him, I see now.
I met my current husband in 2014. married in 2016. He is an amazing, loving, caring man for whom family means everything. He treats me like a queen, and both my children and stepchildren adore him. My husband doesn't know my history with my deceased husband (I didn't want him to think I was broken, and I always kept his behavior a secret from friends and family)
I still feel kind of guilty because my deceased husband died without being healed. I know that I tried hard, but he just couldn't see himself as having mental problems, and here I am, having a wonderful life with my current husband, as well as our two families, as I always hoped.
My question is, should I share this info with my husband just to get it out in the open? He of course can't really do anything about it, but now I feel guilty about keeping a secret from him. It's really the only thing I've ever kept from him.
Leave it alone. If you feel you need to talk about it, there are therapists for that.
That your late husband was an alcoholic?
That you did not grieve his death?
That you feel guilt that your late husband died "...without being healed." You should know that no one can heal an alcoholic. It is 100% on them to find sobriety.
There is no shame in being broken. I am very up front with people that i had a mental breakdown when my marriage ended. At the time I felt shame that I had allowed 22 years of abuse. But I was not the abuser. Yes I stayed, and the marriage ending was harsh and my ex caused all sorts of problems during the separation, but that was then. Today I am a different woman.
I tell people about the mental breakdown, to help to remove the stigma around mental illness. I am a survivor not a victim.
Think about what you want to share with your new husband and why? We do not have to tell everything about our past to new partners.
"oh, I'm also taking a high dose of zoloft....."
or:
"tell me more about your childhood, I wanna know if you experienced what I did...."
BEING OPEN IS A BLESSING
Your post sort of concerns me. You say you are now happily married to a wonderful man. Why would you want to potentially ruin it with details that 1) don't seem to concern your current husband and 2) are really, when you get right down to it, not his business?
Do you possibly, on some level, feel you are undeserving of your current happiness? It seems like you were, at the very least, borderline abused by your deceased husband...it's not an uncommon condition of people who are chronically abused to come to feel like they deserve the abuse, and they are not worthy of love and happiness.
Before you start berating yourself to your current husband, please find a therapist who specializes in abused spouses and lay this all out to him/her. You might get a better perspective on what's really happening with your emotions.
Good luck.
Your "grieving" your former husband, what does that "look like" for you?
No, I wouldn't put this baggage down in front of your husband; it isn't his to deal with, it is yours.
If your husband has not asked you anything about your former husband at all it is my opinion that it isn't relevant to him. With my own partner I know he would simply shrug and say "Well, that was then and this is now. If there's anything you need from me as regards all of this, do let me know. If there's anything troubling you about our own relationship, do let me know. If you need me, do let me know. " And on he would go.
If you feel you have "grief work" to do (and don't mistake GRIEF for GUILT. You aren't a felon. You aren't a God. You are a normal human being with limitations, just like everyone else. Were you a felon (who can use the word guilt) you wouldn't care.
If you need to see someone, then see someone, a Licensed Social Worker who is trained in dealing with counseling on life transitions, or a psychologist. Tell your Hubby you have things in your past you would like to comb through with someone, if he asks. Most men are just concerned with "fix it" work; if you don't have something they can fix they aren't that much into it. Tell him that you are very happy with him, and it isn't about your relationship.
For the most part I would be somewhat interested, were I the shrink, in knowing why you are wanting to sabbotage TODAY, a day in which you say you are very happy, with YESTERDAY, which is done and gone and not a thing can change a second of it. What is it you can imagine you can change for the better in all of this.
I sure do wish you the best. You are with a good man. I think that he would be extremely supportive of you. Mine sure would be. Just see to it that you don't punish him with a whole bag of garbage from the past that isn't his to deal with would be my advice.
And, if it would make you feel better, share it. You value his opinion. I am certain, after thinking on it, he will have one for you to consider.
Best out to you, and I am so happy you have found happiness and a new life.
You've got a second chance to be happy. Grab it with both hands and don't let go.
You can also ask yourself if it is worth letting your abuser come knocking on the door of your current happy marriage, or put his memory in a box, lock it down tightly, throw away the key and never open it again. The abuser isn't worth your current time it in my opinion.
My abuser certainly isn't either.
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