I cleaned out all his clothes, sold his model train collection, and just got rid of mostly all of his possessions within about 60 days.
He was a raging alchoholic, and I'm a rescuer and empath by nature.
Due to having a couple of family members who have narcissistic behavior tendencies, I've been researching NPD, and suddenly I realised that my deceased husband was, in fact, a narcissist. What a revelation!!
I felt nothing but relief when he died, and spent a lot of time reconnecting with my children and the rest of my family (this was a second marriage) Never did I ever mourn his loss. I still feel guilt over this.
He had two sons with whom I'm still in contact.
When we get together they have happy memories of their father, and I don't spoil their memories. He treated them well for the most part while he was living, but he seldom saw them. However he was very mean to my two sons and their families, and also my extended family.
How it took this long to realize what was going on, I do not know. I'm a retired registered nurse, I should have picked up on this, and left him, I see now.
I met my current husband in 2014. married in 2016. He is an amazing, loving, caring man for whom family means everything. He treats me like a queen, and both my children and stepchildren adore him. My husband doesn't know my history with my deceased husband (I didn't want him to think I was broken, and I always kept his behavior a secret from friends and family)
I still feel kind of guilty because my deceased husband died without being healed. I know that I tried hard, but he just couldn't see himself as having mental problems, and here I am, having a wonderful life with my current husband, as well as our two families, as I always hoped.
My question is, should I share this info with my husband just to get it out in the open? He of course can't really do anything about it, but now I feel guilty about keeping a secret from him. It's really the only thing I've ever kept from him.
That your late husband was an alcoholic?
That you did not grieve his death?
That you feel guilt that your late husband died "...without being healed." You should know that no one can heal an alcoholic. It is 100% on them to find sobriety.
There is no shame in being broken. I am very up front with people that i had a mental breakdown when my marriage ended. At the time I felt shame that I had allowed 22 years of abuse. But I was not the abuser. Yes I stayed, and the marriage ending was harsh and my ex caused all sorts of problems during the separation, but that was then. Today I am a different woman.
I tell people about the mental breakdown, to help to remove the stigma around mental illness. I am a survivor not a victim.
Think about what you want to share with your new husband and why? We do not have to tell everything about our past to new partners.
"oh, I'm also taking a high dose of zoloft....."
or:
"tell me more about your childhood, I wanna know if you experienced what I did...."
BEING OPEN IS A BLESSING
Your "grieving" your former husband, what does that "look like" for you?
No, I wouldn't put this baggage down in front of your husband; it isn't his to deal with, it is yours.
If your husband has not asked you anything about your former husband at all it is my opinion that it isn't relevant to him. With my own partner I know he would simply shrug and say "Well, that was then and this is now. If there's anything you need from me as regards all of this, do let me know. If there's anything troubling you about our own relationship, do let me know. If you need me, do let me know. " And on he would go.
If you feel you have "grief work" to do (and don't mistake GRIEF for GUILT. You aren't a felon. You aren't a God. You are a normal human being with limitations, just like everyone else. Were you a felon (who can use the word guilt) you wouldn't care.
If you need to see someone, then see someone, a Licensed Social Worker who is trained in dealing with counseling on life transitions, or a psychologist. Tell your Hubby you have things in your past you would like to comb through with someone, if he asks. Most men are just concerned with "fix it" work; if you don't have something they can fix they aren't that much into it. Tell him that you are very happy with him, and it isn't about your relationship.
For the most part I would be somewhat interested, were I the shrink, in knowing why you are wanting to sabbotage TODAY, a day in which you say you are very happy, with YESTERDAY, which is done and gone and not a thing can change a second of it. What is it you can imagine you can change for the better in all of this.
I sure do wish you the best. You are with a good man. I think that he would be extremely supportive of you. Mine sure would be. Just see to it that you don't punish him with a whole bag of garbage from the past that isn't his to deal with would be my advice.
And, if it would make you feel better, share it. You value his opinion. I am certain, after thinking on it, he will have one for you to consider.
Best out to you, and I am so happy you have found happiness and a new life.
If your husband - I'll start again.
In the *incredibly* unlikely event that your now husband suddenly reveals a curious streak a mile wide and asks for details of your second marriage (I am assuming that he does know that you were married and that your second, late husband died to your own children's complete absence of regret, never mind yours) then you give him the facts and explain anything he still wants explained. Try to do it without judgement, though certainly without apology. Trashing the late unlamented is never a good look no matter how well deserved the trashing.
If he should ever say that he feels you're keeping something from him, you can tell him truthfully that yes you are, but you're uncertain how much information he would want.
Does your regrettable second marriage cause you any trust issues, or other potential sources of difficulty in the future?
What happened to the children's Dad, by the way? - still on the scene? It may be that you don't want your husband getting dribs and drabs and snippets of the history from unauthorised sources.
You're right, he can't do anything about what happened to you. But happily you could, and did, and here you are to tell the tale. Just don't feel you have to tell all of it with no compelling reason to.
Your post sort of concerns me. You say you are now happily married to a wonderful man. Why would you want to potentially ruin it with details that 1) don't seem to concern your current husband and 2) are really, when you get right down to it, not his business?
Do you possibly, on some level, feel you are undeserving of your current happiness? It seems like you were, at the very least, borderline abused by your deceased husband...it's not an uncommon condition of people who are chronically abused to come to feel like they deserve the abuse, and they are not worthy of love and happiness.
Before you start berating yourself to your current husband, please find a therapist who specializes in abused spouses and lay this all out to him/her. You might get a better perspective on what's really happening with your emotions.
Good luck.
Leave it alone. If you feel you need to talk about it, there are therapists for that.
You have been blessed to find a man like your current husband. Leave the past behind you. There no reason to feel guilty about being happy. And you’re not hiding anything from him- you’re moving forward. Be happy, life is too short. Hugs to you.
Since she knows her husband better than any of us, and that she expressed concern that speaking to her current husband about this might hurt her marriage is, I believe, the impetus behind most of the advice given.
Certainly, there are some husbands in the world who would be able to "handle" her revelations, but there are also men who would not be able to "handle" it at all; and shaking your fist and stamping your feet that that's not enlightened behavior, while true, doesn't change that fact.
I see no reason at all that the OP should even mildly risk her current happiness by taking an unnecessary down unhappy memory lane and dragging her current husband with her, do you?
You can also ask yourself if it is worth letting your abuser come knocking on the door of your current happy marriage, or put his memory in a box, lock it down tightly, throw away the key and never open it again. The abuser isn't worth your current time it in my opinion.
My abuser certainly isn't either.
Please go for a bit of therapy: just untangling your regrets for the past will help to shelve them so you can concentrate on your wonderful present & future with your husband.
You wrote such lovely, heartfelt things about husband #3 on this blog post. I recommend you write him a love letter — on a pretty card or paper, not via email — in which you say those same things. You said you treasure each day with him. Tell him that! Include that you daily see and feel his love and warmth given to you, to your children & to your stepchildren. You could make mention that you are grateful to his beloved first wife for “training” him to be such a good husband (and father?) and you hope she is looking down from heaven with approval. I am certain he will keep that letter forever as one of his most cherished belongings.
Congratulations for coming through the bad times into the sunny good times! You, your husband, and blended families deserve the happy days ahead, so embrace them fully.
You've got a second chance to be happy. Grab it with both hands and don't let go.
See a therapist before you decide to mess up what you say is a happy marriage.
We don't talk about our exes to our new spouse. It just should not be done.
See a therapist if you just need to spill. If you see yourself as broken, see a therapist.
Going to put this out there, not because you are doing this, but is there a chance that you are unfulfilled or bored with a happy marriage and need to bring in some drama? There is therapy for that, too.
Or, is there any chance you are detecting some of the 'same' in your marriage now, but cannot quite put a conscious reality to it?
With all of the possibilities that you could have repeated the past, but instead escaped that possibility, you might need therapy just to understand the magnitude of joy that you now are experiencing.
Have a great life now.
How is it going to improve your current husband's life to know these details about your late husband's character deficits?
How will it improve your marriage now to bring up these details from the past?
When you answer those questions you'll have the answer you're looking for.
When I met my current husband I found myself telling him things I had never told anyone. I felt comfortable enough with him to share my history, and I think I wanted him to be aware of the "whole package" he was getting. I worried that might have been a mistake but it wasn't.
I can not imagine keeping secrets from a man I love and share my life with. I would be hurt if he felt he couldn't share himself me. Your history is part of who you are. Never feel guilty about what you've been through. Don't feel guilty that you didn't grieve for that man. It's completely normal to feel relief when an abusive relationship ends.
I am truly surprised at those who would suggest that sharing your experiences with your current spouse would "ruin" a good marriage. If it's really a good relationship and he loves you, I would think he would care enough to support you in whatever you are dealing with. Hiding a huge piece of yourself cannot be emotionally healthy for you.
Please seek some counseling to work through this issue. Burying your feelings must be painful. I have closed the door on my past relationship but I don't pretend that it never existed. It's been over 10 years and sometimes difficult feelings arise but I have a wonderful man to share with. (And he shares his feelings with me.)
I once said to him "Why didn't I meet you 30 years ago?" He responded, "It probably wouldn't have worked out. We had to go through there, to get here."
We are grateful for each other and for our relationship, and always let each other know that.
In turn he never talked about his late wife with me. She was part of our life because their son became my son. Their marriage was between them though. When people marry, they start a new life with each other. The ghosts of the past need to be left in the past.
Your late husband was an abusive alcoholic. He treated you, your children, and your family like crap. He was a narcissist who thought that the whole world revolved around him. You had a miserable and unhappy marriage to him and should not have any guilt for not feeling all that bad about him being dead.
Think about this. His death brought about you re-connecting with your family. You met a wonderful man who treats you and your family right. You're living the good life and deserve to. There really isn't a whole lot to be grieving over when you think about it this way.
Don't let your former husband have one tiny bit of the good life that you and your new husband have. Don't let him ruin one second of your happiness. Your good new husband doesn't need to know your history with your former one. In a marriage there can be room for secrets, just not lies.
When I married for the second time, I did not discuss my first husband with my second. There is no need to. My marriage to my first husband was between me and him and no one else. If he had a question about him, I didn't lie. I just didn't always answer.
Your marriage to your deceased husband was between you and him. It's dead and buried now. Leave it there and get on with your happy new life. Go spit on his grave. I'm telling you, it will give you closure.
If you feel the need to talk about it, go to a therapist and discuss it. Say nothing to your new husband though.
A therapist is a good idea. Don’t know what you would tell your husband you need help with since you are so happy but this feels like it could grow in your mind as an issue if you don’t address it. Perhaps you could refer to it as “bad dreams”.
I noticed you posted under depression and mental health so the nurse in you knows this needs attention.
I get your wanting to share that part of your life with your husband. No matter how happy you are, life happens and old deep seated issues, not dealt with can pop up seemingly out of the blue. So again, a therapist would/could help you identify and resolve the aspects that are causing you the most angst.
Additionally, your children were affected by his behavior and may have not dealt with the harm done to them. You must be an inspiration to them as you have created such a happy life for yourself at this point. His modeling and your seemingly acceptance of his abuse could not have been healthy for them.
Whether you decide to make your husband aware of your past or not, the fact that it is on your mind, seems to indicate a need to do some internal work to let that relationship go and to acknowledge that as much as you wanted to, you couldn’t love the alcoholism away. Sometimes we just can’t see that martyrdom is not an effective remedy.
I think it takes more from you to not burden your present husband with your past until you have done the work instead of giving him information he is not prepared for or qualified to deal with. No disrespect to him intended.
You are right that it needs to be shared for your mental health but best with a therapist and with the therapist instead of your DH because the therapist would not be burdened with the information and could actually help you and by extension, the entire family.
A few things that pop out to me when I reread your post.
1) You feel bad YOU couldn’t heal him
2) Your mind is still working on the relationship
3) You didn’t want to appear broken
4) You kept secrets from friends and family in the past
Wishing you all the best and know that we are all so happy for you that you have found such happiness. We usually get the posts where the wife (or child) is dealing with the alcoholic and won’t make a meaningful change. We know it’s hard to do.
Let us hear back from you how it goes. You could help a lot of people who are dealing with similar issues with your updates.
If you feel the need to explain anything to your current husband:
Tell him your deceased husband was not a nice man,
Tell him you are glad that he is your current husband,
Tell him you appreciate his loving ways towards you and the family.