I grew up in a very abusive home. I still suffer from depression, anxiety and fears related to that abuse. While my father was the main abuser - my mother's willingness to allow the abuse hurt almost as much. I left home at 19 and cut all communication with my father. He died five years ago and in that time I have become a long-distance caregiver for my mom.
I live 2,000 miles away in a town I love. My brother lives less than a mile from mom but sometimes goes 4 weeks without seeing her. His wife and children never visit her because they don't like her. I keep up with her medical visits. I spend every vacation from work visiting her and taking her to her doctor's appointments. My life is a demanding job, taking care of mom's paperwork and daily issues from a distance and trying to keep from giving into my severe depression. Its hard to get out of bed.
And now after my latest visit back home - I realized that my mom really shouldn't live alone anymore. I'm faced with the reality that I'll probably have to give up my life, my dreams to go back home and try to take care of her. I hate the city of my birth, I hate the state, I hate most of the personalities that come from there. The idea of going back makes me want to commit suicide - no joke. And I have so much resentment wrapped up in love for her. So much resentment and pain.
I already can't live a normal life because of the abuse I suffered. I can't trust people and I feel like my childhood was stolen from me - now I'd have to freely give away the most important years of my life. I don't want to look back and know that I gave the last chance to marry and have a family of my own away to take care of a parent who doesn't deserve it. But, I don't want her to suffer either.
I really don't know what to do. She has only medicare and a small pension, my brother works 3 jobs and I'm emotionally streched to the limit. And it may be impossible for me to find a job in her area. Where I live now is too expensive to relocate her here - no real services are available without high cost and I'd be alone with her - no family to help.
What can I do? Has anyone else been through something like this?!