My situation is this. My mother is 82 yrs old and my step dad passed away 2 yrs ago this month. They were married for 39 yrs. My step dad was an enabler. I can remember telling him many times to stop doing everything for her because he was making it difficult for us if something happened to him. Well here we are and I am the only child that lives near her. She has made me his replacement now that he is gone. I can't take it anymore. She does have forgetfulness but her physical health is good! I pick her up 3 days a wk and bring her to my home and she has dinner with my husband and I. It was 4 days but I recently changed it because I needed more time to myself! My mom is so self absorbed and can't see beyond her own situation. She hates living alone but won't agree to change it either. On the days that I don't go get her she calls me anywhere between 8-15 times a day!!! Depending on her mood! Which is usually bad. She cries about everything and does this whimpering thing that makes me crazy! She cries because it's raining, or windy outside or the cat messed up the rug, I mean everything!! She has alienated people in the family because she calls people all day long because she hates being there alone and when she calls them she just is so unhappy that people don't even want to answer the phone anymore because they don't know what to say to her. I have tried to tell her to stop doing that and try to have happy conversations with others and then they would look forward to her calls but she just can't do it and if she calls an no one answers so she will call over and over again! My brother and sister live out of state and I don't know how much longer I can do this with her. I am starting to have blood pressure issues and I know it's because of stress from her. I have honestly never dealt with someone who completely wallows in their own self pity like she does! I have told her I am not going to be miserable with her but nothing works. I try to tell her things my grand kids are doing and change the subject but then she says everyone is so happy and has such a nice life except for me! She turns everything positive into a negative!!! I am sorry this is so long I am just so stressed out by her and don't know what to do with her. She has vision issues due to macular degeneration so that adds challenges too. I do everthing I can for her but it's never enough. My poor step dad, now I know what he was going through!!!! He was a Saint!! She argues with me all the time about everything. Once in a while she will be in a good mood but rarely. She takes medication for anxiety but she has no coping skills to help her beyond that. There is no reasoning with her anymore. How do others handle things like this and not let the guilt eat you alive!! I have to take her to dr appt and everywhere she goes because she can't drive and there is no one else to do these things so I can't just stop taking care of her. I don't want to stop helping, I just need some tips on how to make her see things differently or ways for me to handle things better! thank you I'm losing my mind with this!
Your post hit a nerve with me.
My mother fights with me over EVERYTHING. Absolutely EVERYTHING. If I say the sky is blue, she'll counter that it's probably going to snow later. If she complains about the news, I say "change the channel, mom" and she says "I need to know what's going on in the world!"
Recently (this week) 2 of my sibs who are generally MIA all the time caught wind that mother had an infestations of moths--I mean, they had taken over her apt., which is connected to YBs home. PLUS, her place was totally hoarded out and I am ALWAYS the one who cleans and then catches H3ll for doing so.
I sent out a mass email and told them she needed help, but would fight me, YB and OS on it (we're not the faves).
So the 2 'favorites' came up and cleaned for 10 hours, and honestly, it's better, but my no means 'good'. But a lot of garbage went out and that was what had to happen. Turns out she has some serious leaks in the bathroom which will require major efforts to fix.
I dropped by to get a box of puzzles to deliver to GoodWill and she had already changed her mind about donating them--YB would do it one day, she said--she was just negative towards me about everything I brought up and kept rubbing her shoulder to remind me that she wants surgery on it and she can't have it, so I am supposed to give her sympathy. Didn't, and didn't stay long.
I did talk to her about the transportation to the Sr Center, once it reopens and though I had SEVEN! possible workable ways to get her transported 3 blocks to the Center and back home after Bingo, she shot down each and every one of them. Only because I was the one who brought them up.
I left her house in that fuggy state of depression that only being with my mother can bring.
You will NEVER change your mom. EVER. I'm so sorry to say that. She fights ME on everything, so I now pass he complaints along to YB and YS and I will take a break for the next 6 months or so. She never misses me and I routinely take breaks for that long or longer w/o speaking to her at all. It's just a nightmare for me and not worth it.
She NEEDS twice daily in home care and won't take it. So much for daddy's buying that LTC policy for just this occurrence.
It's not YOU, it's her. There's not enough therapy in the world for me to truly heal from the damage she did to me--and trust me, I keep trying. The best advice is to step away, create boundaries and stick to them.
I'm beyond grateful my mom doesn't remember my phone # nor my address. She literally cannot contact me.
Good Luck.
My mother has been basically my ward for 30 years. Those years included her living in our home and she was still depressed and obviously unhappy. The negativity became infectious and almost damaged my marriage.
Once she was on her own she rallied but soon fell back into the same patterns. I recognize we are very different people.
i have found myself continuously worrying and trying desperately to Alleviate her needs but find I’m being unappreciated or being abused by her. She proclaims she works hard not to not “disturb or disrupt” my life yet just waits to bring issues forward on a timely manner, ignoring them then I’m pressured to fix the situations.
My learned recommendation is to set limits on time and expectations where you need to be involved. For you, try some physical activities where you which is a regular weekly time for yourself. I also set up a monthly or weekly if you can afford it, contract for health visit by in home health worker. It was very much worth it to me for someone else to visit regularly to check her health and give her new social connections.
Its not easy recognizing your parent isn’t going to adjust or change their behavior, you are the one who can adjust how you react to their selfish actions.
Good luck:)
You have said that you are her only help and you can not just leave off helping her. Perhaps you feel like you are it but, most communities have services to help the elderly remain "independent" for as long as possible.
Call your local area on aging, they have all the information for resources available to your mom.
Contact your local department of transportation and request an application for the paratransit service. Being visually impaired usually gives them free companion rides, that way they can bring a helper for no charge.
Contact local charities and find out if they offer services that include friendly visits or daily calls.
Decide if you are ready to give up your life to prop her up. Because that is what you are doing by allowing her to force her choices to impinge on your life.
Just because she has decided that she refuses to make changes doesn't obligate you to support those choices. As hard as it is to step back, that is usually the only way that changes will happen in these situations.
It is okay to tell her to stop with the drama. I have had to tell my mom that she either stops with her bs or I stop the calls, I can not have my life force sucked out every time I speak with her. Does it create a scene with tears and poor me nonsense? Yep, every single time. Then I don't speak with her for a few days and she realizes that she loses by her actions. You have to be consistent and follow through, even when you feel like a total jerk for implementing and enforcing boundaries and you will, trust me.
Start weaning her off and offer solutions to her loneliness, every single time. Mom, you can live in assisted living and have someone to talk to, enjoy meals with or do activities with, every day. You choose to stay alone at home and these are the consequences, you're alone.
Please don't argue. Make up your mind about what you are willing to do and speak the truth to her about it, then hang up, walk away or leave when she becomes combative and argumentative. It takes 2 to argue.
Use her own words, I am not going to do this and you can not make me. That applies to you as much as it does to her. You are a grown woman and you do not have to do what she wants you to do. You have choices that she is not in control of, you just have to learn to say no.
I wish you luck, because you will hear how sick she is, how awful you are and anything else you can imagine in her attempts to keep you doing her bidding. Be strong and guide her towards real solutions and not hijacking your life.
Almost certainly your Mom will require placement, unless you would prefer to spend the next two decades becoming your Father for her. She is grieving; but as you say, she was never any different. While your father was there he absorbed this for you. Now it is a direct hit on your every day.
As to guilt, that is the wrong G-word. This is worth the word GRIEF, but not the word guilt. You are not a Saint. You are a human with your own life and with limitations. That is worth grieving for, but I doubt anything done by anyone will make mother happy and functioning; your father was certainly not capable of working that magic, and you won't either.
You can either save your own life or sacrifice your own life. I suggest professional help to comb out your feelings and the ways forward to train your mother that you are not now her husband, that you have your own life and your limitations. She would likely thrive where she had placement and others to communicate with.
Much of this now is up to you. This is your one and only life. I certainly wish you best of luck. I think you will find that your Mom needs placement. As Beatty says here "There will be NO SOLUTIONS as long as YOU are all the solutions."
I think small things might help ease her pain a little. A lot of laughter and cute things. Comedy movies or tv shows. Calming music.
Puzzles are good to distract and give a good dopamine hit when you start seeing the puzzle come together. Crosswords, cards, music.
Since she's alone, the depression only grows, hence calling you so often. It's painful to be depressed and lonely. Try out some small things.
Everyone in life needs a distraction.
Good luck.
You have already gotten some good advice but I will try to add some more:
Spend lots of time reading at this site as it is FULL of people in similar boats and you will get tons of good info and tips.
Keep standing firm on the boundaries with your mom. They put up this charade like they are living "independently" when in reality they depend on us and hijack our lives wanting to make us their partners. I'm in the process of doing this with my mom right now, so I get that it is not easy. Next up will be they expect us to be their full on elder care plan. As in if they need 24/7 care (and they will) then they will expect it to be us. I have made it my mission in the next coming months to make it loud and clear to both my mother and my siblings that I will not EVER be doing 24/7 care, not even close, so like it or not, there needs to be a plan B.
What I'm trying to say, is resist being FORCED into this caretaking role. You are ONE person and your mother's needs will only continue to increase.
Do you have a good relationship with your siblings? It would be helpful if you do, and you could all present a united front to your mom and give it to her straight that she needs assisted living. Tell her she can cooperate with you all and participate in the process now, or she can wait for a crisis and all the decisions will be made for her, but either way, she will need to move out of her home and into care. Call it "senior living with fun and help"... or something similar.
BTW- something that struck me in your post is your mom calling and calling and then leaving a message that she will continue her ridiculousness until you finally cave and pick up. Don't let her get away with that behavior and threats. Call her on it and tell her you will block her number. You have EVERY right to privacy of your own!
Some people are energy vampires; they suck the life out of their loved ones, leaving us half dead while they live on to be 100 or more. You have the choice of either setting down very VERY firm boundaries with your mother about what you will and will not tolerate, or, helping her sell the house & use the funds to get her set up in a nice Assisted Living residence where she can start a whole new life for herself. You can manage her financial affairs from your desktop, and visit her/talk on the phone once a day after she moves.
You will never get her to 'see things differently' or to 'handle things better'..........these types of women are 'glass half empty' types and always will be. So stop trying to fit a round peg into a square hole now, and start looking at things realistically. What are YOU going to do to create a situation YOU can tolerate? Guilt should play NO role in this equation, either, because you're doing nothing wrong. Your mother is the one who's sucking the life out of YOU but isn't wasting time feeling guilty about one single thing! Look out for yourself here, and formulate your plan TODAY!
Good luck!
Since she “hates being alone”, it’s possible that she might adjust very well to assisted living or memory care.
If no one in your family has Power of Attorney granted from her, it’s important that someone assumes that responsibility and gets that set up before she becomes more “forgetful”.
A consultation with a lawyer might be a good idea to gain some direction in terms of helping her manage and plan her finances and other long term planning essentials.
Your heart is definitely in the right place. Take care of yourself!
She sounds exactly like my Mom in that she has no idea the world around her does not cater to mean old ladies bent on destroying the modicum of self respect we might have grown.
In short, people rarely change, I'll give you odds she wont change any more than my Mom might.
If you insist, she will have a meltdown and who knows where that will end.
I dont know, we both have problems lol
hug!!
courage!!
i agree with trials:
people rarely change.
—
i don’t think your mother will change, tam.
no talking/reasoning helps.
tam, you wrote:
“She argues with me all the time about everything.”
these people enjoy arguing, want to argue:
actually, what they want is to frustrate you/upset you/make you angry/create conflict, stress for you.
it won’t stop.
i hope you find solutions!!!
hug!!
bundle of joy