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My situation is this. My mother is 82 yrs old and my step dad passed away 2 yrs ago this month. They were married for 39 yrs. My step dad was an enabler. I can remember telling him many times to stop doing everything for her because he was making it difficult for us if something happened to him. Well here we are and I am the only child that lives near her. She has made me his replacement now that he is gone. I can't take it anymore. She does have forgetfulness but her physical health is good! I pick her up 3 days a wk and bring her to my home and she has dinner with my husband and I. It was 4 days but I recently changed it because I needed more time to myself! My mom is so self absorbed and can't see beyond her own situation. She hates living alone but won't agree to change it either. On the days that I don't go get her she calls me anywhere between 8-15 times a day!!! Depending on her mood! Which is usually bad. She cries about everything and does this whimpering thing that makes me crazy! She cries because it's raining, or windy outside or the cat messed up the rug, I mean everything!! She has alienated people in the family because she calls people all day long because she hates being there alone and when she calls them she just is so unhappy that people don't even want to answer the phone anymore because they don't know what to say to her. I have tried to tell her to stop doing that and try to have happy conversations with others and then they would look forward to her calls but she just can't do it and if she calls an no one answers so she will call over and over again! My brother and sister live out of state and I don't know how much longer I can do this with her. I am starting to have blood pressure issues and I know it's because of stress from her. I have honestly never dealt with someone who completely wallows in their own self pity like she does! I have told her I am not going to be miserable with her but nothing works. I try to tell her things my grand kids are doing and change the subject but then she says everyone is so happy and has such a nice life except for me! She turns everything positive into a negative!!! I am sorry this is so long I am just so stressed out by her and don't know what to do with her. She has vision issues due to macular degeneration so that adds challenges too. I do everthing I can for her but it's never enough. My poor step dad, now I know what he was going through!!!! He was a Saint!! She argues with me all the time about everything. Once in a while she will be in a good mood but rarely. She takes medication for anxiety but she has no coping skills to help her beyond that. There is no reasoning with her anymore. How do others handle things like this and not let the guilt eat you alive!! I have to take her to dr appt and everywhere she goes because she can't drive and there is no one else to do these things so I can't just stop taking care of her. I don't want to stop helping, I just need some tips on how to make her see things differently or ways for me to handle things better! thank you I'm losing my mind with this!

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My mother is exactly like yours, and my dad catered to her the same way yours did, creating a monster in the process, truthfully. The best decision ever was to place her in Assisted Living where she has plenty of other people to interact with and complain to, no decisions to make, no bills to pay, and no responsibilities whatsoever. She's fed and catered to by teams of caregivers who see to her every need (she's in Memory Care now since 2019).

Some people are energy vampires; they suck the life out of their loved ones, leaving us half dead while they live on to be 100 or more. You have the choice of either setting down very VERY firm boundaries with your mother about what you will and will not tolerate, or, helping her sell the house & use the funds to get her set up in a nice Assisted Living residence where she can start a whole new life for herself. You can manage her financial affairs from your desktop, and visit her/talk on the phone once a day after she moves.

You will never get her to 'see things differently' or to 'handle things better'..........these types of women are 'glass half empty' types and always will be. So stop trying to fit a round peg into a square hole now, and start looking at things realistically. What are YOU going to do to create a situation YOU can tolerate? Guilt should play NO role in this equation, either, because you're doing nothing wrong. Your mother is the one who's sucking the life out of YOU but isn't wasting time feeling guilty about one single thing! Look out for yourself here, and formulate your plan TODAY!

Good luck!
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tam1086 Mar 2021
I agree that there is no changing her at this point. I think assisted living is the ideal place for her because she would have people around her and that's what she needs unfortunately she won't go! I have talked to her about it and we do know a couple of people that live there but she won't budge. She tells me that she will live in her house as long as she wants to and we can't make her move. She's right too because no one would say she is unsafe to be there at this point, maybe in the future but not now. Thank you so much for your input it does help to reach out to others that know where I stand. My brother and sister don't get the whole picture because they are miles away and don't see her very often. They talk to her everyday but she isn't the same with them and she is with me. Neither of them have been her to see her since july of 2019.
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You say there is no reasoning with her, yet you’re knocking yourself out trying to fix what can’t be fixed. No way I could listen to an endless stream of negativity. I have a sibling that does that, therefore our contact is limited by me. Boundaries is an excellent book that has been a huge help, and you definitely need boundaries with your mom. It’s not on you to attempt to make her happy
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Welcome to the forum Tam.

You have said that you are her only help and you can not just leave off helping her. Perhaps you feel like you are it but, most communities have services to help the elderly remain "independent" for as long as possible.

Call your local area on aging, they have all the information for resources available to your mom.

Contact your local department of transportation and request an application for the paratransit service. Being visually impaired usually gives them free companion rides, that way they can bring a helper for no charge.

Contact local charities and find out if they offer services that include friendly visits or daily calls.

Decide if you are ready to give up your life to prop her up. Because that is what you are doing by allowing her to force her choices to impinge on your life.

Just because she has decided that she refuses to make changes doesn't obligate you to support those choices. As hard as it is to step back, that is usually the only way that changes will happen in these situations.

It is okay to tell her to stop with the drama. I have had to tell my mom that she either stops with her bs or I stop the calls, I can not have my life force sucked out every time I speak with her. Does it create a scene with tears and poor me nonsense? Yep, every single time. Then I don't speak with her for a few days and she realizes that she loses by her actions. You have to be consistent and follow through, even when you feel like a total jerk for implementing and enforcing boundaries and you will, trust me.

Start weaning her off and offer solutions to her loneliness, every single time. Mom, you can live in assisted living and have someone to talk to, enjoy meals with or do activities with, every day. You choose to stay alone at home and these are the consequences, you're alone.

Please don't argue. Make up your mind about what you are willing to do and speak the truth to her about it, then hang up, walk away or leave when she becomes combative and argumentative. It takes 2 to argue.

Use her own words, I am not going to do this and you can not make me. That applies to you as much as it does to her. You are a grown woman and you do not have to do what she wants you to do. You have choices that she is not in control of, you just have to learn to say no.

I wish you luck, because you will hear how sick she is, how awful you are and anything else you can imagine in her attempts to keep you doing her bidding. Be strong and guide her towards real solutions and not hijacking your life.
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Tam, I can feel the frustration in your words, and I can relate to them. I too have a needy, dependent mother living next to me. Mine was diagnosed with dementia in early 2019 but is still deemed competent. She too will not even consider assisted living or memory care. I also have 2 out of state siblings who do very little aside from occasional phone calls.

You have already gotten some good advice but I will try to add some more:

Spend lots of time reading at this site as it is FULL of people in similar boats and you will get tons of good info and tips.

Keep standing firm on the boundaries with your mom. They put up this charade like they are living "independently" when in reality they depend on us and hijack our lives wanting to make us their partners. I'm in the process of doing this with my mom right now, so I get that it is not easy. Next up will be they expect us to be their full on elder care plan. As in if they need 24/7 care (and they will) then they will expect it to be us. I have made it my mission in the next coming months to make it loud and clear to both my mother and my siblings that I will not EVER be doing 24/7 care, not even close, so like it or not, there needs to be a plan B.

What I'm trying to say, is resist being FORCED into this caretaking role. You are ONE person and your mother's needs will only continue to increase.

Do you have a good relationship with your siblings? It would be helpful if you do, and you could all present a united front to your mom and give it to her straight that she needs assisted living. Tell her she can cooperate with you all and participate in the process now, or she can wait for a crisis and all the decisions will be made for her, but either way, she will need to move out of her home and into care. Call it "senior living with fun and help"... or something similar.

BTW- something that struck me in your post is your mom calling and calling and then leaving a message that she will continue her ridiculousness until you finally cave and pick up. Don't let her get away with that behavior and threats. Call her on it and tell her you will block her number. You have EVERY right to privacy of your own!
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MickiLyn Mar 2021
I am not the poster but I am in a very similar position and I needed to hear what you had to say! It's exhausting, it's frustrating to no end to be in this spot. I often feel like it's one I can't win and just seeing others "get it" helps a lot so while it's not my post thank you soo much for your reply!
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this website has been a vital godsend to my developing role in my mom's life. If you become isolated in your thinking of these matters it will only turn out 1 way. The 1 way so far seems to be you beating yourself up over something you will NEVER be able to supply your negative Mom with. She does not care enough about you and your family to act right.
She sounds exactly like my Mom in that she has no idea the world around her does not cater to mean old ladies bent on destroying the modicum of self respect we might have grown.
In short, people rarely change, I'll give you odds she wont change any more than my Mom might.
If you insist, she will have a meltdown and who knows where that will end.
I dont know, we both have problems lol
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bundleofjoy Mar 2021
dear trials and tam,

hug!!
courage!!

i agree with trials:
people rarely change.


i don’t think your mother will change, tam.
no talking/reasoning helps.

tam, you wrote:
“She argues with me all the time about everything.”

these people enjoy arguing, want to argue:
actually, what they want is to frustrate you/upset you/make you angry/create conflict, stress for you.

it won’t stop.

i hope you find solutions!!!

hug!!

bundle of joy
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NO ONE who is 82 and forgetful EVER agrees with anyone about anything, so you probably will need to give up on the idea of changing her or making “her understand”.

Since she “hates being alone”, it’s possible that she might adjust very well to assisted living or memory care.

If no one in your family has Power of Attorney granted from her, it’s important that someone assumes that responsibility and gets that set up before she becomes more “forgetful”.

A consultation with a lawyer might be a good idea to gain some direction in terms of helping her manage and plan her finances and other long term planning essentials.

Your heart is definitely in the right place. Take care of yourself!
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Your mom will never change, and will only continue to get worse, and yet you say that you "don't want to stop helping" her, and then you also say that you're losing your mind with it all. You seem to be talking out of both sides of your mouth. Sadly I don't believe that you will ever be able to "handle things better" as she's not going to change and neither are you, and still be true to who you are. Your mother likes to suck the life out of those close to her, and until you decide to distance yourself from her, that will never change. Who wants to receive 8-15 calls a day from a negative downer of a person? Nobody that I know. You need to either change your number or just let her calls go to voicemail. And if your mom can't drive, she can call an Uber or Lift to take her to her appointments. You are choosing to do exactly what you told your stepdad not to do, and that's enabling your mom. You must set some much needed boundaries, and stick to them if this is ever going to work out. Otherwise it's time to be looking for a nice assisted living facility for mom to go to, where she will be kept too busy to aggravate her family and friends. You must take care of yourself first and foremost, as nothing you do will ever make your mom happy. Best wishes.
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tam1086 Mar 2021
You are right! I am enabling her just like he did. I can't seem to get past the quilt she makes me feel...ugh...I have to be stronger! I have stopped going there every time she calls and I make her wait until the days that i have scheduled to go. I also only make her appt's on those days too so i am not going there on my off days. She is like the boy who cried wolf...she will leave numerous messages saying how sick she is and needs someone there with her but these messages only take place on the days she knows I am not coming there...Her sickness is just anxiety due to the fact that she knows I'm not coming to get her that day. She has no coping skills at all! I don't go when she does that. I used to but not anymore so maybe I am getting a little stronger but I need to stop answering all her calls! She just calls over and over until i answer! She will even leave a message saying I will just keep calling until you answer me...it's so frustrating!!
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She sounds very depressed. Major depression.

I think small things might help ease her pain a little. A lot of laughter and cute things. Comedy movies or tv shows. Calming music.

Puzzles are good to distract and give a good dopamine hit when you start seeing the puzzle come together. Crosswords, cards, music.

Since she's alone, the depression only grows, hence calling you so often. It's painful to be depressed and lonely. Try out some small things.

Everyone in life needs a distraction.

Good luck.
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You are enabling the behavior by allowing so many calls and by having her over three times a week. She has apparently been like this when her husband was alive. Unless you want to replace him and become him, you will need to change YOUR OWN ACTIONS. She is not going to change.
Almost certainly your Mom will require placement, unless you would prefer to spend the next two decades becoming your Father for her. She is grieving; but as you say, she was never any different. While your father was there he absorbed this for you. Now it is a direct hit on your every day.
As to guilt, that is the wrong G-word. This is worth the word GRIEF, but not the word guilt. You are not a Saint. You are a human with your own life and with limitations. That is worth grieving for, but I doubt anything done by anyone will make mother happy and functioning; your father was certainly not capable of working that magic, and you won't either.
You can either save your own life or sacrifice your own life. I suggest professional help to comb out your feelings and the ways forward to train your mother that you are not now her husband, that you have your own life and your limitations. She would likely thrive where she had placement and others to communicate with.
Much of this now is up to you. This is your one and only life. I certainly wish you best of luck. I think you will find that your Mom needs placement. As Beatty says here "There will be NO SOLUTIONS as long as YOU are all the solutions."
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I identify with your situation, although not quite the same.
My mother has been basically my ward for 30 years. Those years included her living in our home and she was still depressed and obviously unhappy. The negativity became infectious and almost damaged my marriage.
Once she was on her own she rallied but soon fell back into the same patterns. I recognize we are very different people.
i have found myself continuously worrying and trying desperately to Alleviate her needs but find I’m being unappreciated or being abused by her. She proclaims she works hard not to not “disturb or disrupt” my life yet just waits to bring issues forward on a timely manner, ignoring them then I’m pressured to fix the situations.
My learned recommendation is to set limits on time and expectations where you need to be involved. For you, try some physical activities where you which is a regular weekly time for yourself. I also set up a monthly or weekly if you can afford it, contract for health visit by in home health worker. It was very much worth it to me for someone else to visit regularly to check her health and give her new social connections.
Its not easy recognizing your parent isn’t going to adjust or change their behavior, you are the one who can adjust how you react to their selfish actions.
Good luck:)
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