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My mom is wheelchair bound and is total care. But she is great at getting around in her wheelchair. She uses briefs when out and about.



She's too with it for adult day care - most adults there are dementia patients. She'd hate it.



She needs just enough supervision that she can't be in a job or role that is independent. She needs assistance with physical tasks as she cannot stand and only has one working arm. She cannot write well since her working arm is not the side she used to write with.



She has just enough cognitive decline that I don't know of a job that will suit her abilities. Her stroke in 2007 permanently messed up her understanding of numbers. Her reading comprehension is slightly off.



But other than that she is fine. She can carry a conversation for hours. She loves talking about her past and getting to know new people. She is clever.



Help!! My mom is just rotting away in her little apartment with no prospects.

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Find volunteers who visit with the sick. There might be someone who is a perfect match.
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aj6044 Nov 2022
She doesn't want to be around sick or old people she said
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Is she techie at all? Might a laptop computer be something she could negotiate and enjoy. It isn't clear to me at 65 what your mother's underlying illness is, so I honestly can't guess what might be a good idea. I sure wish you luck.
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lealonnie1 Nov 2022
"Her stroke in 2007 permanently messed up her understanding of numbers. Her reading comprehension is slightly off."
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Have you gone to your county's online social services website to see what may be offered to people like your Mom? (Comes under Dept of Health and Human Services). She may be eligible for free transportation and they might have programs. Or a local senior center? Also contact your local area's Agency on Aging for other resources and ideas.
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Does she like animals? Maybe volunteering at a shelter? Sometimes they need people to just socialize with the animals.
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LoopyLoo Nov 2022
Same here. But mainly I worry I’d get too attached to the animals. I’d want to bring them all home. And the sad
stories would be heartbreaking.
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aj, I would see if your area has any friendly calls programs.

Your mom would call people daily to check in on them and break their isolation.

Getting with your local charities will help you find other things she could do. Being needed is very helpful for overall well-being. Good for you trying to find things to engage her.
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There are places that need Volunteers.
The local Senior Center might be a great place for her to get involved in activities AND my local Senior Center has Volunteers that call other seniors to check in on them, make sure everything is ok. this might be something your mom could do.
Lots of schools now need classroom helpers (and the pay is pretty good!). (Not sure is she would want to spend time in a school if she has medical conditions that would lessen her immune system)
The Hospice I Volunteer with/for has lots of office things that need to be done. One of them is calling patients families to see if they need any supplies. (this can be done from home)
And...local animal shelters need Foster homes for both dogs and cats. this is the best of both worlds, you have a pet but do not have the expense of pet ownership. The hard part is when you have to give up your Foster when they find their forever home.
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aj6044 Nov 2022
She doesn't want to be around sick or old people she said to me today
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aj6044,

Your mom sounds like a perfect candidate for a good senior living center. Maybe start looking up places in your area and ask for brochures, take her to visit a couple that look good.

If your mom is a social creature, she may have local friends already there or would make new ones, have a social life, activities. She'd have the supervision she needs and you can then help to oversee the addition of cares as her needs change.

All of this is dependent on her having the finances to cover these costs and if not, you may want to look into getting her to a local senior center, not adult daycare. Transport can be arranged and you can plan this together. They would provide for her social and 'hobby-type' needs, maybe even outings.

I'm 65 and would have none of this, but my adult daughter and grandkids live with me in my 5 bedroom home so, I'm kept very busy. I would not fit in a senior center, but surely would not wish to spend my days alone.

You can open these discussions with your mom and she may gain a whole new lease on life, some adventures to look forward to.

Blessings -
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aj6044 Nov 2022
She does not want to be around "old people" as she says. She wants to be around people around her age or in their 50s or so.
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Hi

I think it is important to keep her mind active at her age and always give her hope. You can do some activities with her or encourage her to do some on her own. It may be easier said than done, but we can still try. Here are some things we can do:

1. Brain Games
2. Exercise
3. Reading Time
4. Get Creative
5. Listen To Them
6. Outdoor Activities
7. Movies, TV, or Music

Get her to do things she might have been interested before like painting, crafting, or even light cooking. If you still need more help you can always look into hiring a companion care for a few hours a week to keep her company. They will talk to her, do light laundry, and take her out to places.
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aj6044 Nov 2022
Tried all those.
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If there is a senior center in your area, get her over there. The one in my town is hopping with seniors doing all sorts of activities. I'm taking tai chi classes. People are in all sorts of physical conditions there. Two people in the tai chi class can't stand or use their legs, but they move their arms and heads with the directions of the teacher. Even if your mom can't move one arm, the instructions, meaning, health indications, and history are interesting. There are tons of classes other than tai chi and all are taught according to the abilities of the students.
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aj6044 Nov 2022
Thanks for the idea but she said "NO!!!" to anything to do with "senior activities"

She looks down upon it for whatever reason. Sigh.
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aj6044, does Mom have any interest in doing a family tree? Ancestry.com kept me busy for over 4 years, working 8 hours a day, looking up one generation after another. Back then it wasn't unusual for farming couples to have 12-20 children, and their children had 6-12 children. Those who moved to the big city, they had 1-5 children. It was quite interesting, especially finding a couple of outlaws/bootleggers in the mix :)

Drag out all the family photos she has and that you have. Do the photo have names of who's in the photo? If not, time to do it now. I know I could have kicked myself for not doing this back when my parents were still around. So many mystery photos that even other family members who are doing trees cannot identify.

There are two old newspaper websites where one can find articles of some of their relatives. Old wedding announcements, birth announcements, family reunions, etc.
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aj6044 Nov 2022
We actually already have this done lol, but good idea
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How about a pet bird she can watch, talk to? They aren't too much work. Two parakeets will be busy and active and fun to have around
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She needs assisted living, or a caregiver to help with her physial limitations. This would be someone to go with her to activities at a senior center or shopping, entertainment, etc, or if she is in an AL facility, they will arrange for activities in the facility and excursions. Check with a local social worker to see if there are any programs for this kind of assistance. Make sure all of her paperwork is in order. She needs to set up powers of attorney for medical and financial matters, have a living will with her advance medical directives, and a will, if she has assets. I'm assuming you will be her POAs. If so, it may be time for you to take over her financial matters if she is having difficulties with numbers. Set up all of her accounts online and paperless to make this easier to do for her. If she has caregivers coming to her home or moves to a facility, she needs to lock up her valuables, including personal papers, especially financial statements. This is why paperless becomes better at this stage. Or have her bills and statements sent only to your address. All the best to you and your mother.
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aj6044 Nov 2022
She has caregivers all day and evening
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Do ask at the local center for aging and request helping with the younger set. How about tutoring young students? What is her usual occupation?

Easy pets, such as goldfish, are good therapy. Do you have any family to help care for them, so all your mom needs to do is watch them, even talk to them?

For example, I have 2 goldfish I love. They swim up to the surface when they see me and suck the water for attention! I just love Tweety and Black Bart!
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aj6044- you said your mom doesn’t like being around old people at daycare and senior centers.

Does she like being around kids? Has she tried volunteering at the local libraries to read books or tell stories to kids? Children books are large print with pictures and easy to read. Or volunteer to help at the library used book stores? She can help handling the book sales and talk to patrons when they come in.
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aj6044 Nov 2022
No she specifically said adults her age or even younger
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Thinking of my own future find some crafts for her to do. Something she likes. Sewing painting gardening pet sitting computer things etc. present it in a way that she can sell these things on the internet. Can she use the computer? Perhaps that is the first step.
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Speak with the local senior center(s). These are different than the adult day care centers you mention .
1. Senior centers have daily programming and interaction with others and, at times lunch etc. You can stop by and get a calendar of activities and speak with staff.
2. " Adult Day Care" may actually be the better choice as you describe several deficits that your mother may need help with. She could also perhaps view going as both for herself and a way of volunteering with the others present...
3. Engage her Physician to order assessments of her PT and OT status and potential for therapy toward improvement. If there is none, ask what they recommend.
4. Could she volunteer at a local church to assist with weekly office needs?? Or others?? Speak with your, hers or a community pastor.
5. Engage volunteers or other paid aids to help her 1:1 to do things that will give her meaning, hope,purpose and direction.
6. It sounds like her cumulative deficits do equal quite a bit of challenges. 1:1 visits with her may be a good way to start. Speak with Physician.
7. Practice good self care . One also needs to ask oneself :. Does your mother express the need and desire to " do more"? Or is this your need to see her " do more"?
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Could your mother volunteer with a church or senior organization to make check-up phone calls or other phone work? Would she be able to do any small projects like stuffing envelopes with one hand? Her useful and can get a little better at some tasks with practice. If she just cannot manage volunteer craft or sewing projects, look into the phone calling option. Don't leave the calls to chance; have a regular schedule of responsibily, even an hour or two a week. It would be useful and would give her a sense of purpose.
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1 - Would her overall functioning make it possible for her to attend any kind of course in something she is interested in?

Most universities have some kind of program whereby seniors can audit courses. Some also have non-degree-granting programs for adult education. Also most cultural centers, like museums, have adult courses.

I've known several people who have made nice social connections over time in ongoing language courses.

2 - is there any kind of political or community cause she is interested in? there is often a need for people to make phone calls for various reasons, would she be able to do that? I think they are robo-dialled so I think she could do it with a headset and without having to be able to punch in numbers. If she can get interested in something, she could have meetings to go to and a contribution to make, and this would definitely be mixed ages.
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If you have the funds, hire a caregiving for a few hrs a day. They can talk and visit with her, take her places she’ll like…museums, park, mall, out to lunch/brunch/breakfast, community events etc. Find games she can play with someone, watch a movie. What did she like to do before she got ill? Find local senior centers and inquire. Call national Aging centers and see what resources are near you or what advice they may have.

If you do not have the funds, perhaps ask your church, or seek volunteers through charities that may come and spend some time with your mom. And if you have family, maybe you could ask for some help from them. You take a day, another family member take another day etc.

It doesn’t have to be everyday, nor does it have to be all day. A few hours of stimulation, 4-5 days per wk is a good starting point, then back off if it’s too much.

I also like someone else response on here, find somewhere that SHE can volunteer to help others.

Have you actually visited and spoke with local adult day care? Maybe it’s not what you think and it may be a good option.
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aj6044 Nov 2022
She has caregivers all day long. She wants to get out of the house.
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Rotting away is very strong language. I wonder how you feel about what is going on 'in your head' with your mom to refer to her like this ... ?

Perhaps ask her to make phone calls to people who are housebound and alone / lonely. There are many older people that isolate, feel down / depressed and would greatly appreciate this connection / contact.

This would be a volunteer position. And, serve her well, too. Feeling useful, giving to the community, helping a person feel better about their self.

If she wants / is willing to do this, perhaps contact local churches, a dementia association, suicide prevention. (I did an internship at Suicide Prevention; many people call who are not suicidal; they are lonely, need support, a compassionate ear to listen, in distress, overwhelm.)

Gena / Touch Matters
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aj6044 Nov 2022
Her words, not mine
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If she uses a computer, please introduce her to Luminosity.

Sounds like she should be in Assisted Living, not memory care.

Perhaps she can do volunteer work with pets? Or, move her out of her little apartment and into Assisted Living; the Activities Director can use her to help new patients acclimate to their environment; it would be stimulating for her to engage with people on a daily basis.
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ConnieCaretaker Nov 2022
Or, she could help man the volunteer phones for a charity such as Red Cross.
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aj6044: Perhaps her locality's senior center can provide some opportunities for your mother.
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If financially possible, an assisted living residence would give her a lot of options to socialize while maintaining her privacy in her own apartment. It would also give you peace of mind she was getting 24 hour support.
65 is very young for her to be somewhat disabled which means she likely has many years ahead. If you found a place that also had higher levels of care available should she need it, that would avoid future moves.
Best of luck to you both!
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Check with local faith community, local government, local businesses for volunteer opportunities.
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Contact GoodWill Industries. They help find jobs for those with limitations and disabilities. You could also contact a church to see if they have some volunteer work she could do.
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Some suggestions here seem to be ignoring the OP's statement that mom is wheelchair bound and "total care." There's little likelihood she could be volunteering any place outside her home. Her volunteering would need to be something she could do online or over the phone. If mom is just 65, I think I can understand her not wanting to be around a lot of "old people", even though her disabled condition is similar to what might afflict a much older person. I like the idea of having her volunteer to call others who are housebound and might be at risk, or just as a kind of companion program. Not all such folks are old. I wonder if there are programs where she could read aloud to children or adults from her home, e.g., over zoom, skype, or facetime? One of my realtives is doing this for a friend who is bedridden, and they both enjoy it. I think people need to feel they are needed and can make a difference, even if they themselves need help. Doing something more social than just solitary crafts, classes, etc. might be more meaningful to someone as "young" as 65.
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aj6044 Nov 2022
She can take the city bus anywhere
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Reading your replies, it seems like none of the suggestions made so far by everyone suits your mother. Have you asked her specifically what she wanted and was capable of doing?
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What can she do? What does she have to offer younger people?

My dad didn't want to be around old people either, I asked him why he thought younger people would want to be around his old hide. I find this attitude utterly ridiculous.
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againx100 Nov 2022
Agree that it's ridiculous. No offense, AJ.

OP, do you have any ideas for what she is capable of doing? Can she help at a thrift shop? I think there is some kind of an agency that can help people with disabilities get jobs - maybe it's Easter Seals? And they have someone take them to work a time or two to coach them on the job and make sure they can do it.

That's too bad that her OT couldn't get her non-dominant hand able to do more. Do you think your mom gave up or was it really impossible? I know at this moment, my left hand is practically useless since I'm a righty but I sure hope that if my dominant hand was impaired I could train my left hand to do the work I would need it to do.
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Is there a Senior Center in your town or city where she could go and pass a few hours with other seniors and playing games or something similar? Assisted living would be a good option too since she'll encounter people there just by roaming around and they have many activities to keep the residents busy. Good luck to you.
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