I am my mother's medical and financial POA. My father and brother are dead and I have been managing my mother's affairs legally since 2018. Mom is in an assisted facility with memory deterioration. I live in a city an hour and half drive away. Mom moved into the facility after she had a serious heart failure that required a pacemaker implant. She lives in a rural community where health care is adequate, but anything difficult or requires a specialist means trips to nearby cities. I tried to keep her in her home as long as possible, but she finally made the decision to move to the only facility she deemed fit to go to. She liked it because she was close to my brother's wife and children and great grandchildren, with promises of visiting and calling. Mom's short term memory is leaving and her PCP assured me that this would have happened even if there was no covid and he has noticed a marked decline in the last several months. It is becoming more difficult for me to handle her needs, my stress is high. The cherished family that lives close by have not called or visited either social front porch/social room, or virtually. I have pushed, given suggestions, covered for them when she would ask why she doesn't see them. Mom is struggling to understand why they don't visit, I am struggling to deal with the difficulty in doing runs of "drive and drops" during lockdown. My stress level is high. I have made the difficult decision to move mom to a facility close to me so we can visit, she has good medical care as she ages, and to help my stress level.
My SIL had a stroke and has recovered, she is still dealing with memory and confusion issues due to the stroke. I have discussed this possibility of moving mom closer and she understands because she sees how difficult it is becoming for me. But her children will be upset, even tho they have not seen or talked with mom. MY children have seen her more via virtual visits and they live in various parts of the country and out of the country.
I know I am making the right decision, I know it will be difficult for mom to leave her little town, I am prepared to deal with this, but I am anticipating a major blowback from the local crew. NOT sure I can deal with THAT. My SIL sees mom is not mom, but her children, who live just blocks away, have not talked with her enough to notice the decline. Am I being too selfish for being exhausted with long distance management and stress? Has anyone any advice?
Move mom and develop a thick skin if there is criticsm.
The phrase "I couldn't possibly continue to do that long drive anymore" is a starting place.
Yes it will be sad for your Mother to leave her town. But in reality, is she interacting much within the town now? It's ok to be sad, for your town relatives to be sad also. I would label it as that: sadness.
The danger is their own guilt over not visiting will get thrown as blame full force at you. You may not be able to stop that. Maybe rephrasing? Think of a 'slogan' & be a broken record with it.
It is not your fault that anyone ages. Your Mother needs more help now, needs your help, so she is moving closer to you.
I wish you well for the transition.
Your words have helped
If this changes the frequency of visits, you can always think again. My DH visited his mother weekly, also about 2 or 3 hours away in a really great NH. It took a whole day. He also phoned for an hour every other day. I get it!
The word “selfish” shouldn’t even be part of your language when speaking of what you intend to do.
The way you deal with the “flack” is by training yourself to ignore it.
A similar situation nearly succeeded in making me physically ill when it became necessary to place my LO before Covid. I actually consulted a lawyer who wrote a letter suggesting that the offending parties could choose to “show up or shut up”. That did the trick.
Mom was so happy. Staff keeps me informed as well. She wants to see the kids, I have pushed and pushed them to use the tablet and phone. Plus they post EVERYthing on social media and I know if they were calling they would post.
Thanks for your help!
they won’t.....
do what’s right for you and your mother.... and don’t feel guilty about trying to please them....
Thank you!
Don't pay any mind to your relatives carrying on about the it. They aren't the ones who have the responsibility of her. You are and if they don't like it too bad.
You don't owe them an explanation. If you feel so inclined to give them one then do. Tell them that they don't visit now while she's still home, and that if you moved her into a local AL what would happen is that she'd get no visitors at all. At least she'd be seeing you regularly because she won't be living an hour and a half away anymore.
You know families are often very generous with their "advice" and their criticism about the about how the responsible party takes care of an elderly relative. They are not so generous with any offers to help out with the care the elderly relative needs. Most of the time they aren't even willing to offer some their time and commit to a few hours a week staying with the elder. So, don't pay any mind to what any of them say.
i totally agree.
hug!!
I can’t imagine if Mom’s facility was further away.
You are doing the right thing.
Anyone who does not participate, in care or visits, does not get a dang vote.
i agree!!
hug!!
The stress will lessen if Mom is closer. Yes, you still will need to pay bills and get her personal items not provided by AL. Visit. The best thing for me was Medicaid. Mom no longer had any money to worry about. I allowed the NH, she transferred to from the AL, to become her payee for SS. All her Depends and personal items were supplied by the NH. All I had to do was visit.
As my dear daughter would say "turn it back on them". If the grands complain about not being able to see Grandma, just say "when is the last time u saw her, talked to her on the phone, or sent a card?" And let it go at that. You do what you need to do for you. It is no longer what Mom wants its what she needs. She needs to be closer to the one who does the Caring.
Follow your instincts and make things easier for you and your mom.
You don’t owe anyone an explanation or an apology.
If they question your choice, simply say that you are providing the best possible care for your mom.
Give them her new address and tell them that they are welcome to send her lovely cards signed with a personal note from time to time.
In the seven months she was there, she was visited by two friends a couple of times and by people from her church she didn't know. My brother wouldn't visit unless I was there, too, so neither did my niece. I was there every Wednesday and Sunday, though, and spent hundreds of dollars on gas and food, because I brought Sunday dinner for all of us to have with her.
This was finally untenable, and I decided to move her closer to me. She doesn't miss the old place, she doesn't talk about her friends, and she's getting far better care. I no longer resent my brother for being weak about visiting, and everything is much better, especially when I get midnight or 5 a.m. phone calls saying she's being sent to the hospital for one thing or another.
You're doing the right thing, and don't worry about any blow-back. If the grandchildren want to see her, they know where she is. It isn't your job to make it easy on them.
Feel good about your decision and that you are helping the people who matter most in this decision - you (the holder of her POAs) and her.
As an ordained minister that worked in nursing care I have sen this happen al to often. It is unfortunate when others want to control others. You are the one responsible for your Mother. That decision has been made. Moving her closer to you gives you more ability to provide for her in the best manner that you can.
It is unfortunate that people want to tell others what to do in life. What I said in AARP is that you can do everything others want and give up your needs (and in this case what is best for her) and often the others are still not satisfied. Often bitterness and resentment set in for a lifetime. It isn't worth it.
I agree with others. Don't say a word to others. Just do what is best for her and you. YOU ARE SO KIND TO TAKE CARE OF THE RESPONSIBILITY THAT YOU ACEPTED IN SUCH A LOVING CARING WAY> NOT ALL DO.
God bless you in your endeavours.
If you are the one that has legal responsibility for your mothers affairs you need to do what is sensible and convenient for you, not for the occasional visitor.
I had some blowback from some of my mother’s so-called friends for moving her but I found her in a terrible situation and none of her friends seem to step up to insure her safety or overall well-being. What I did notice is that she no longer had jewelry and there was no accounting for ATM withdrawals. Eventually I learned it was okay to block their phone calls. I don’t answer to anyone but my own common sense. I have to consider mine and my family’s health first.
You are making the right decision. You have every right to to say, “this is the right plan for me and my mother. Feel free to travel and see her: I can recommend a good hotel nearby.”
Also, I agree with lealonnie1, don't say anything until it is all done and you and your mom are settled in. If the others are concerned for her well being they can then make the choice to move her back and take care of her which you know by is absence now that that won't happen. Do it for YOU first, then your mom. Your mom has lived a long life and yes we care deeply for them. But you need to stay healthy for her and YOU. Stay healthy for you so you can at least live what is left of your live long after your mom has passed. You will have great memories to hold onto and have those memories to enjoy the rest of you life.
YOUR DOING THE RIGHT THING!!!
Short story on my situation. Taking care of my mom now for 3 years. 3 siblings live 15 minutes away, two in Ohio. I have had NO help with taking care of my mom so I had to hire caregivers after my health got bad. Sisters came to see mom once in 3 years and stayed 45 minutes and the other 1.5 hours. Just didn't know who my mom was because she had changed so much in three years. I have now decided to move to Ohio (I have a brother there and his two daughters are caregivers for the elderly). Collectively they all got together and decided to offer me the help I need. I was going to go about a year and a half ago but felt bad for taking my mom away from my siblings here were I live. WHY? because they haven't called or seen my mom. So my husband and I are packing up and moving to Ohio so I can get the help I need. (I know my siblings would never do that). I know I will get flak from them (LOL) when they find out but oh well. I'm not happy because I am a California girl and OHIO is NOT where I want to live, not to mentioned the cost. (We will be maintaining to houses). I'm 66 years old and these are my husband and mine Golden years but not so much. The best I can do is do this move to get help with my mom, stay healthy and spend more time with my husband.
Please don't worry about what anyone else will say. Like I said their actions now will be the same after they tell you all the bad things they want you to hear to make them feel better for what they are NOT doing.
I wish you well in this new adventure with your mom. Remember this is also about you.
YOUR DOING THE RIGHT THING!!! GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS!
The others can make the same trip you've been doing if they decide to see her
One brother and I were named POAs long ago. The other wasn't local and wasn't around then, so he wasn't included. When mom began showing signs of dementia, I learned all I could about it and tried to share information with them and include both in discussions about her care and future. All too often information was met with disbelief or even having one or the other calling me a know it all! The local brother helped when it came time to take the car, but who got all the flak? Three guesses, the first 2 don't count! Who also got the tasks to help her out, delivering supplies, taking her shopping or to appointments? I also lived 1.5 hours away, so I know how tiring and stressful it is! The only saving grace was getting laid off around the same time. At least I didn't have to worry about a job to get to.
So, for about 2 years, this was all on my plate. I tried bringing in aides, to get her used to having them (only 1hr/day, sanity and med check), with intent to increase if/when she needed it. She thwarted that plan by refusing to let them in. So, next was to look for a place for her. Neither brother would be good at caring for her (esp since they were clueless about dementia!) I couldn't physically do it, so I looked for places near where I live, knowing full well I would be the one running ragged! When I had scheduled to check 2 places, YB announced he found a place, about 5 minutes from where he lives. But, between being more expensive and less appealing, I knew I would be the one doing everything (it was about 45 m away, in good weather) and he wouldn't be picking up the slack. The place I opted for was about 10-15m away, much nicer and less expensive (non-profit.) Funny that after seeing the YB place, when they found out the cost, both said Gee, for that kind of money, I'll take her in! Sure they would.
After the move, which I made them do as I did all the prep work and wanted to avoid the flak from her, came the clear, clean, repair and sale of the condo. Yup, all me. About 1.75 years of my life, gone. Multiple weekly trips, 3 hrs round trip, plus time to do work, while one came a few weeks here and there and the other showed up once, maybe twice. During his last trip up, OB went with me the first night to visit, then I sent him alone one morning, before we headed to the condo. When I suggested he go again during down time, he refused, saying he didn't know what to do with her. This from someone who was going to take her in, full time???
The facility had many special meals and functions, to which I texted YB asking if he wanted to go (they want head count, not pressuring him to go.) I got tired of repeating the request and getting no answer, so I finally stopped asking. Mom used to ask about them, if I'd seen or heard from them (that first visit from OB was really telling - she was overjoyed, yet he couldn't stomach going back for a 10-20 m visit.) I'd just say not recently and made no excuses for them. Eventually she stopped asking. How sad. Out of sight, out of mind.
Her own sons didn't visit! My daughter went several times with me and my son brought his then 2yo for a visit too. Mom couldn't remember who the baby was, but enjoyed the pix I showed her. Everyone loved his visit! Early after the move I tried bringing others together at a restaurant but YB's daughters didn't join us. OB's daughter isn't local, so no go there.
Do what you need to do for YOU and your MOM. She'll be closer if she needs you or medical care. It would have been very difficult for me to do all that is needed if mom were 45m away. She will forget the grandkids soon enough. Do it for the two of you. No discussion.