I often go days on only 3 hours of sleep at night due to the stress of caring for Mom. Moods are everywhere. How do I get much-needed rest?

Hi I’m in the same boat as you. Been caring for mom last 2 years since daddy passed. She’s lost most of her short term memory and long term catching up. So tired, she’s up at 6 am every day wanting to know where we are going for the day. Sometimes purse in hand. I feel guilty for getting angry. I mention just getting a caregiver for a day and she flips out. Sounds like your mom is ready for a facility or perhaps outside care. I’m going to wait and see after next Dr visit what he thinks. Keeping you in my prayers ❤️

Needlove2, I read your profile . I’m paraphrasing “You are taking care of your mothers home , yard as well as yours . You are single , broke financially and emotionally and Mom sabotages everything , and she needs something constantly . “ It sounds as if Mom needs more help than you can provide . That is not a slam , btw. Dementia is one of the worst if not worst thing to deal with . Your mother sounds too difficult to be taken care of by a family member , which is common . They want to order around their adult children. She should be taken care of by professionals. That is what my mom’s doctor told me when I was losing my mind and not sleeping because of Mom. You need to take your life back , so you can support yourself . Imo , You can’t help yourself until mom is in a facility . If you continue this way something will happen to you and then there is no one for Mom. Place mom in a facility where you can look after her as an advocate and also get to take care of yourself. You also have in your profile that you have self hatred etc. Please see your primary doctor and also possibly seek out therapy . I am concerned about you . There is a lot in your profile that indicates you need to be relieved of caregiving . 40% of caregivers die before the person they are caring for .

Do you have POA? Either way , go to an elder care lawyer using your mother’s money . Your mother’s needs will only increase with dementia. Have your mother placed in assisted living using her money . Sell her house to pay for her care . I don’t see this getting better for you with you doing the caregiving for mom.

The only thing right now that works for me is Xanax. I have chronic insomnia, a sleep doctor, a Cpap. I’ve done a Harvard online CBT for sleep class, etc. I’ve taken basically every pill out there at some point.

I do take supplements too:
cortisol manager
Calm gummies with melatonin, magnesium and L Thenine (can’t spell yet, drinking coffee now).

Both from Amazon.

I’m also in my state’s medical marijuana program so I sometimes also take a 1:1:1 gummy (THC:CBD:CBN)” the CBN is the one you really want for sleep. But, if you are the only one there at night, I would say to try the Calm gummies and CBD (non psychoactive). I made it to 6 am this morning! 7 hours.

I also use a white noise machine, and I keep my room at 70 degrees and I wear socks.

I think so many of us can relate. One night I found myself yelling at my pet rabbit, and I was horrified by it. That’s when I realized I was the problem, and my stress of dealing with my mother was affecting MY general behavior and he was sensing that. It was my wake-up call, as I knew health problems for ME wouldn’t be far behind. Another important observation I made: my mother and I are very closely tied together. When I was so stressed, her behavior and mental state were worse too. As I learned to calm down, she settled down too, and her mental acuity was better.

I found yoga before bed worked miracles in getting me a good nights sleep. I found a 15-minute bedtime routine on YouTube, which was just right. I’ve also resorted to a few natural solutions when I really needed them. Integrative Therapeutics makes a lavender oil capsule which has been clinically studied to promote relaxation. I’ve also used a high-quality CBD oil on occasion which also helps with deep sleep. Neither is potent like a pharmaceutical, but for me they are enough to smooth out the jagged edges.

I am a busy person who has always had too much on my plate, and yet somehow my mom’s crisis has slowed me down. I take time to sit outside and simply listen to the birds sing. Or walk through the garden without actually engaging in any work. No, I don’t have time to do these things, but that’s irrelevant. If I’m dead or incapacitated, I won’t be getting much done then either, so I’m going to take my downtime when it truly counts. These moments that my former self would consider totally useless are my salvation. They slow my heart rate, lower my blood pressure, give me hope. Nature is a huge tranquilizer. Doing nothing is extremely valuable, particularly now.

What we eat and drink really affects our sleep too. Alcohol disturbs sleep, junk food chemicals and sugars wreak havoc on our systems right when we least need it. I find focusing on good nutrition gives me strength as well, both real and perceived. It’s a form of self care.

However you do it, you must find your peace. We need to be prepared to be in this for the long haul, and it’s critical we stay well. Wishing you the best with your mom, and wishing you peace.

Wow! You are where i was at beginning of caring for my mom- i finally had to start temazapam/Resteril to sleep. It’s for short-term help and it worked so well. My normal though process turned back on with rest- i had racing thoughts all the time and hyperfocused on small issues while ignoring big ones.
Eventually i was switched to trazadone/deseryl that worked well, also. Now i take 1/2 doses and it does the trick. When i switched to the last one dr also started me on Lexapro for anxiety. I had begun to lash out from mental & physical exhaustion. Shocking myself i had to go with the meds and am glad i did.

You will lose your mind and ruin your health if you do not put yourself first.
You have to decide what your priorities are. If you are not able to care for your mom, who will? It is imperative that you take care of yourself. Even if you need to hire caregivers 24/7 for a while ... if you have any assets, decide how to use them for your benefit, which will also benefit your mother. If she has any assets, use them for her care. You CANNOT continue on as you are and expect to function.

Gena / Touch Matter

If you are taking care of your mother all by yourself, then you will NEVER be able to get any rest.

Either she will keep you awake at night because she needs care, or you will keep yourself awake with worrying.

The only way to get rest, is to get help, if at all possible. Otherwise, you WILL burn out.

Hi there. I’m in my fifties and take care of my mom. It’s her and I and we have care helping 10:30am to 7:00 pm M-F and Sunday. I finally learned “less is more” and “just listen to mom but don’t engage“. I’m taking better care of myself when I learned caregiving takes 10 years off your life. I was also not sleeping until I changed my frame of mind…Why stress? It doesn’t help solve anything and then ..you still need to find a solution after wasting time stressing. For the last month or so, I’ve enjoyed philosophy and came actos Stoicism. A book called “The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living…” by Ryan Holiday. It has been a lifesaver. Please try to shift your mindset. Also I read The Dementia Experience to try to understand a bit more. At the end of the day, it’s minute by minute, dealing with this only upsets you to the degree you let it. Not trying to sound mean, it’s just that you and I already have enough negative going on around us… our mother is changing before our very eyes. Let’s not let it happen to us too. Hugs. You can do this

NeedLove2: You require respite by any means feasible, ideally via having your mother in a memory care facility as virtually no one can survive on just three hours of sleep per night before suffering health wise.

My mom hasn’t officially been diagnosed with dementia, but she does have memory loss. Her doctor’s have noticed it as well. I see no need in getting her officially diagnosed because it won’t change anything. She lives with me and my husband. We turned our family room into her bedroom and our 1/2 bath into a handicap bathroom. I use her money to have someone come in for 8 hrs. Monday to Friday. Having additional help has been a life saver for me. I can do what I want for 8 hours, 5 days a week. My siblings have all agree to do this with her savings and any income she has. My other siblings take turns taking her to the doctors (some more than others) coming over on the weekend if needed and staying at my home if we need or want a vacation. There is an exit door to her bedroom, so we added a lock at the top where she can’t reach it. We have an enclosed porch she can use in the spring and summer (TV, music, etc.). It a very comfortable space for her. My mom goes to a senior center 5 days a week for 3 hrs and her caregiver drives her.
Some people won’t agree with me, but once my mom goes to sleep (between 10pm and 11 pm) I use a baby latch to make sure she isn’t wondering around at night. Her room and bathroom is on the first floor. I also have cameras in her room and the first floor. This allows me to look in on her when I get up to go to the bathroom at night or when I feel the need. This allows me to sleep knowing she’s safe.

FYI… For all you that want to tell me I can’t latch my mom in I’ve heard it all so don’t bother. I don’t care or want to hear it your views. My entire family and my mom are aware of my latching the door. So you don’t have to tell me the law, etc.

Are you only getting 3 hrs of sleep each night because you just can't sleep or because you have to keep getting up to do something for mom? If you just can't sleep AND mom needs no care during the night, you might need to try melatonin over the counter or perhaps ask dr for very light sleeping pill to see how it works for you. If you're getting up all night, sedating is not a good idea. You need a break or help.
If mom has money, USE IT. Don't even think about what will be inherited by yourself or other family. Some family members (and caretakers) get so focused on saving money for inheritance, they exhaust the person trying to do the hard work alone. Not worth it.
If there's no money to pay for night time care, and that's what kind of help you need, make sure you have specifically asked family for help you need. Do not sit around getting angry because no one volunteered. Caretakers volunteer. The others will never raise their hand, but often will do a little to help if specifically asked. Ideally, it would be good for someone to come in and take over for a week or two so you can physically leave the house, the worry, etc. It really gives you a breather to jump back in.
If family no option, contact medicaid office where you live to see if your state has any programs that might help. Dept of Aging should also have office in your area that might offer other resources.
None of us can really give you the bandaid you need to fix this. We do know, however, what you're going through. Our care and concern for you doesn't fix the problem, but know we completely get it. Blessings to you.

I don't have the answer and maybe that's what you need to hear. Nobody has the answer and it takes time to realize you can't do everything alone, but you can if need be. You might have family, but you are entrusted to do it all? I've POA/ health care directive/financial advisor and paying everyone for 3 years. It never ends and as soon as you realize you are not a super hero and can't fulfill what you intend to do, you will relax and rest. You are your worst enemy, you care too much. It doesn't make you bad, just makes you hurt more. Stop hurting yourself! Caregiver is very important and you know that. You do what you can and do what you need to do. I went through so much, I did early retirement because I was trying to be Wonder woman and couldn't find the energy to do everything,all the time! I'm human and tired and stressed out and I'm pretty much on my own. You're human also, you will find your out. Stop hurting yourself,let go! If you've done everything possible, you did everything. You just need to rest,of course, but you can't rest because you won't allow it. We are caregivers, not super heroes! You define yourself as daughter, not the caregiver ( but you are) and do whatever it takes to get you better.
I left work and I'm doing better, more time for mom. I'm not happy about losing income but more important is that I've got less to worry about. You have to heal your conscious and quit hurting yourself. I've totally lost what makes me happy, trying very hard to be me. I'm going fishing! Been 3 years and I'm getting some peace.

Be kind to yourself.
This is not easy for any adult child, dealing with a parent as you are.

When you realize your 'self-talk' is critical / self-criticism ...

STOP

and reframe / rephrase somehow positive, i.e, I am doing the best I can in these circumstances.

Arrange for respite care - you need time off to regroup / re-energy / re-focus.I do not know how you are 'trying to find a way' to get the help you need.
- what are you doing to get help?

You are depleted and that is building up daily.

You will burn out. And that 'burn out' will manifest in many ways.

Sleep:

* meditating may help you calm down.

* take a bath 1-2 hours before you go to bed

* turn off all electronics (phones, games, tv, computer) 1-2 hours before you go to bed.

* Whatever relaxes you, read in bed for an hour (or 1/2 hour).

* Talk to others; use / or build up a support network.
- You need to get your feelings out - as you are doing here.
- Lean on whoever will support you. You ARE caring. That is why you are reaching out to us.

* Realize you have lost a part of your mom - a huge part and that you are grieving this loss although you may be / feel too busy to even feel this.

* Give yourself a hug and ask other people to do the same.

I sense you need a good long cry. I hope that you can do this.

We are here for you. Keep writing us with updates.

Gena / Touch Matter

Program of All-Inclusive Care for the Elderly (PACE)
 
PACE provides comprehensive medical and social services to certain frail, elderly people (participants) still living in the community. Most of the participants who are in PACE are dually eligible for both Medicare and Medicaid. 
www.medicaid.gov
in states
The Program of All-Inclusive Care for the Elderly (PACE) benefits include, but are not limited to, all Medicaid and Medicare covered services:

Adult day care
Dentistry
Emergency services
Home care
Hospital care
Laboratory/x-ray services
Meals
Medical specialty services
Nursing home care
Nutritional counseling
Occupational therapy
Physical therapy
Prescription drugs
Primary care (including doctor & nursing services)
Recreational therapy
Social services
Social work counseling
Transportation
PACE also includes all other services determined necessary by the health professionals team to improve and maintain an individual’s health. PACE programs provide services primarily in an adult day health center and are supplemented by in-home and referral services in accordance with the enrollee’s needs.

CBD oil helps it can be strong and not work with everyone - Happy Hemp Buddha has samples - take some after dinner . The FIVE.com CBD gummies are very strong - 1 before bedtime but I find them too strong . There are some with melatonin . Melatonin is a hormone It is ok once in a great blue moon . Ear plugs help also I use Flent - sounds like you may have PTSD because your on high alert . A lot of Caregivers get it and PTSD leads to insomnia. If you can find a community acupuncture that helps .

Get Mom placed near you, for YOUR convenience. Contact Elder Law Attorney to navigate the financial systems and get a Geriatric Psychiatrist to help YOU cope with your situation and your emotional rollercoaster.

Go on Instagram in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep
I will watch sleep apps on repeat - Calm has green noise . The apps are great 😊

(((((hugs)))) To me you really need a break - at least a week of respite with your mother placed for that time so you can catch up on sleep. It's very hard to problem solve when you are exhausted. It was mentioned below what happens to your mother if you break down mentally and/or physically?

Perhaps watching videos of how to cope with seniors with Alz would help. Teepa Snow is well thought of.

Have you spoken to your dr about your issues? Some meds might help you relax and get more sleep.

Wishing you all the best,

So do I. I have even been to sleep doctors. It’s just too much stress.

NeedLove2,

I'm sure you have heard it all. This site is great but you already know the answer you are seeking. Find a good nursing home and place your mom. You are not happy, you have done what you can. Find your life again and put your mom somewhere she is safe and will get the care she needs.
You will still have your emotions to handle. You will still feel but in my opinion giving up your life for her life is not the answer.

Wish you all the luck in the world and I hope you find peace.

When I took care of my parents before they passed I downloaded a free App called “Soothing Pod” if I woke at night I used the sleep meditations. During the day I would listen to stress or relaxing ones. Plenty of free options so no need to pay for upgrade. This App helped me relax so much that at times I fell asleep in bed or in my chair before the session was complete. Also try and get some help if only a few times a week for a few hrs. If you can not find help at minimum hire someone to come in weekly or bi-monthly to clean the house. I did that when I worked and cared for my mother in law in my home years before I cared for my parents. One less chore for you and reasonably priced.

Sadly, there is no easy answer. Dementia care is 24/7, 365 days a year and it is EXHAUSTING. You are most likely experiencing " caregiver exhaustion"; or happens and is a real diagnosis even for the most loving strongest person. Do not feel guilty for your feelings; they are natural.
1. Confer with her PCP , and request a case manager ( usually a licensed social worker) to be assigned to help you navigate potential options for assistance. These may include help in home or facility placement options.
2. Get the PCP to assess your mother for an updated accurate " level of care needs ". This will tell you a lot that confirms what you are experiencing and,about helping guide care options.
3. Be sure that if you are the POA that you have correct documents for this in order to make decisions for her.
4. Consider also that a lot of dementia patients get their times mixed up and are up at night when others should be sleeping....hence then in morning they still need care and the vicious cycle for you,the caregiver continues in order to keep them " safe".
5. Consider that pilots, surgeons, train engineers and other professionals are not allowed to work after x number of hours on duty; this is for their well being as well as the safety and well being of others in their care. You and all the other " caregivers" out there are no different, except that there is no " regulation" and other person ready to step in. I share all of this to confirm you, help you not feel guilty, and to encourage you to get help perhaps by starting with one of the above suggestions. And, if memory care, facility placement is an option, do not dismiss it. Consider what would happen to your mother now if you get ill, collapse from exhaustion or worse?
Who would care for her? Who helps you now?
You might even have her assessed by a hospice of your choice to see if she is appropriate for hospice care; this would give you a broad range of professional support making decisions....

Bless you! Do you have anyone that can assist you so that you can rest? Take it from me, you are going to have to rest. One of my friend's mother had Alzheimers. My friend had to eventually hire people ( I think 3) to come in ( in shifts) to spend the night and help. Do not be hard on yourself. But I understand because I'm hard on myself too but we are doing our best.

" I am looking for suggestions on how to better deal with the negative feelings and how to shut everything off to get a good night's sleep every night."

I've read your previous posts, and you have an untenable situation.

As long as you won't consider placement for your mother, things probably aren't going to change.

One way to think of things is what do you think would happen to your mother if you couldn't take care of her anymore? Say you died from the stress or had an accident and became hospitalized?

You have our sympathy and understanding. This is very much a place to vent.

Personally, I do not recommend Ambien. I recommend Xanax or Clonazapan or Trazadone. The reason I do not recommend Ambien is that every single person I knew who took it did strange things in their sleep. Most common was to get up in the middle of the night and eat. Some cooked odd things. One burned his arm cooking rice when he doesn't even care for rice. Another friend posted intimate details about her love life on Facebook and didn't remember doing so. Another friend did something far more dangerous. She got up early, drove to Trader Joe's, bought something, brought it home and ate it. She did not remember any of this when she got up.
Xanax if taken regularly can also work as an anti-depressant. I will take either so as not to get dependent on any one. And I skip anything altogether a few nights for the same reason.
I'm sure Ambien works great for some people and if it helps and they have no side effects, that's wonderful. I don't knock it. I just think it might be helpful for me to report experiences close friends have had.

Girlfriend Do you know what Burn out Is ? you are burnt out . Hire someone from Care.com or Nextdoor neighborhood app - Ask for Help - get a social worker involved thru your primary care physician or her primary care physician or a therapist . Ask for a VNA nurse also and help getting a CNA that Medicare covers - and Meals on Wheels . You need self care . You must take care of yourself First . I am following shadowdeangelis on Instagram because Iam dealing with 3 Narcissists. Iam learning strategies to deal . Also Joan Halifax has free courses for Caregivers at the Upaya Zen center . Please get yourself a lawyer and learn about Boundaries - and get yourself some sleep and help - You are in my prayers .

You get help-a caregiver or a home.

I have chronic insomnia. Medically, you need 6 hours a night of restful sleep or you develop health issues since your body can’t rejuvenate itself if you don’t get that many hours. My sleep doctor made me do an online Harvard CBT for sleep class and 6 hours is it. Not 4. 6 is the minimum for your body to function. You have to do something or your body is going to shut down and you might die. It’s no joke.

If you don't get an average of 4 hours of sleep per night, you will have mental health problems. I learned this from a counselor, when my daughter, who has cystic fibrosis was as yet undiagnosed, at age 2. You must put your oasis of sleep-time as a top priority or everything else will go to hell. It is your job to hold-the center. Keep your structure. Use ear-plugs, and white sound. You are the center and everything should revolve around you!! Ha, easy to say. Use paper diapers for her to get through the night. Expect no improvement in her situation. I know how awful it is to feel, all these emotions. The difference with a aged person, is that you know it will never get better, unlike when you have night disturbances caused by a child