I recently lost my mother. I am conflicted by my feelings of relief and anger. How have others coped?

My heart goes out to you, I understand how heavy and how the emotional impact on you from this difficult journey can walk with you every day . I now am on a death watch today with my poor mother and I feel so very alone and heartbroken being the rest of the family is no where in sight. Talking helps but maybe what is saving me is will help you. I go to silver sneakers three times a week where I meet people my age and most have experience or dealt with illness one way or another. It makes me feel normal to share in chair yoga or stretching with others my age with no worries of being judged helping me to relax and let go of some stress. It's a way to reach out with baby steps. I send you prayers and courage that you may find yourself and being a caregiver i hope you can give and nurture you, as you are special to have given so much of yourself so unselfishly. God Bless

Hi there, so sorry for your loss. I am too in a similar situation. I lost my father ten years ago and left to take care of my wonderful mom. Eight months ago I lost her too. I am married two children (27&17) my life is good. I don’t work I take care of everyone, and I love it but now I feel like I have no one. I don’t have siblings or blood relatives. My family is great but I have nothing left from my prior life. If I have a question from my childhood I have no one to go to. That makes me feel so lonely. I guess time will heal all of our broken hearts.

The passing is the hardest task anyone will ever do. Please realize that. My mom passed in 2016 and prior had major issues with my brother, his family and dad. My mom only trusted me and I told her I would be there....you did what others could not, for whatever reason. I did not have barely any support; a nurse and aid once a week for any hour. I slept by her bed to show comfort. This is an awesome gift to be the one to be there for someone. FB showed me enormous support. Family, mostly criticism. I feel blessed and think back to what my mom said to me; it was as if G-d was speaking thru her. I had many problems with hospitals and went to court, not for a penny but to show they lied. In the end, all my writing proved me right. Of course they will never admit. They could not believe I did not pursue $$$.....I will be praying for you!

My mom left this earth 9/28/17 and I have yet to completely mourn for her. I can't because it hurts too much, I know this is not the way to go about it but I am being honest here. I have been to the nursing home one time since then and memories takes a hold of me, Two room numbers come to me 44 and 47. One of them was her regular room and the other one I call The Death Room. You are there waiting for the one you love to take their last breath and to comfort them as much as you possibly can. I am pretty sure mom did not know who I was but, I made a promise to her along time ago that she would never be alone. I have been in this kind of room twice, My grandmother and grandfather. My mom had Dementia and Parkesins Disease and had these for about 7 years. I am not sure any of this will help but, I know what you are feeling is normal. I am seeing a counselor as well for this and also alot of other issues as well. My mom was suffering so at least I am glad for this reason that she no longer is. The anger I have is at myself for not appreciating every day that I missed spending time with her.

I am really sorry for the loss of your Mom. How long has it been since she passed? Grief and it's stages...
Coming 2 mos. since mine passed, been on such a roller coaster ride of emotions! Still not wanting to make her mad, a lifelong "thing".
So many posters here who share aspects of your situation (SO many!) Adding my name to the list of singles/no kids. And now what??
Finding myself anxious to delve into everything I had planned for back when I quit my job to start something new in life. Had no idea what I was starting was a ft+ unpaid job of tending to Mom and her needs, whether they be perceived, or real.
For anyone reading and wondering, if you can stop yourself from quitting your job, please do so.
Friends are looking at early retirements now, and I'm wondering where I'll begin working, and for how long.
To the OP, maybe give yourself some more time for your thoughts to clear, and open up as to how you can now fill your time, for you. Its probably been so long since you were able to do that, it may just feel foreign now. Why I asked how long its been since she passed.. it will take some time. Can't say how long as everyone is different.
I still agree on an old addage: Don't make any major decisions for at least a year. Although some times life can take away from that, too.
All the best, and hoping you find peace and comfort.

Sorry for your loss and everyone else's loss. My wife passed in September after 7 + years of caring for her from Alzhiemer's. I am glad it is over for her but at the same time there is a big hole in my heart and do miss her (37 years of Marriage) and the joy I had in caring and learning from that experience. I am going to grieve support at the Alzheimer's association to see what I might be missing. However this journey is over and I need to start a new journey. Part of my volunteer work is on a task force for a Dementia Friendly Nevada. My "One Word" for the new year is "EXTEND". I need to get out of the box I am in. At age 68 years young & I am still active and this is the time to now really take care of myself on things "I want to do". I also am giving myself time to grieve. There are lots of Volunteer opportunities or work available to help others. I am giving back to others who are going through what every one else has mentioned and it is rewarding.

Please, don't feel guilty. You truly had the best relationship with your Mother and everyone you met. Your siblings will never have that special bond...ever.

What I read is that you don't have the feeling of being needed now that your Mother is gone.

I also read that you enjoyed being there with other families too.

Go to a therapist if you truly feel that it necessary, nothing wrong with that.

What I also read is that you have...a life now and don't know what to do now.

You said that going to hospice gave you a reason to get up everyday etc. You can still do that!

Talk with the facility manager about becoming a permanent visitor. There are many people who do not have anyone to care. You can be that person who cares.

You may just find someone just like you and who knows what life will bring your way.

It just may turn out better than EHarmony.com😁

Wow. You guys are so great. Now we all have something in common. We were all care givers, and we lost someone we loved so very much.
For me, Hospice was so very helpful. But i didn't realize they had a help program for after i lost my Mother, almost 2 yrs. ago. I DO know, that time Does heal. Say that over and over again. There are different ways for different people to get thru this. I was depressed and missed fixing my Mom's little afternoon treats. I felt guilty of not doing more. I also was the only one of my siblings to take care of her. I'm 70 now, and Did get another job...part time, and that has helped me a lot. I hope you take advantage of the help from hospice, and God Bless you for loving your parent enough to make sacrifices, and help them get thru the last days of their lives. Go forward, one day at a time. And come Here, if you need more support.

My mother passed away in 2016, after 6 years in a memory care/nursing home facilities. I was her care manager for that time period. It was extremely stressful. I am also single. During that timeframe, I joined a fitness club that offered Zumba, which I felt saved me. I still go to Zumba classes. You need to find something that you enjoy at this time. Libraries are a good resource and sometimes they offer computer classes, as well as church. I want to tell you that the feeling of being lost comes and goes especially around the holidays. It gets better as time goes on. I still get a lost feeling at times. This year I went on vacation during the Christmas holiday, which helped me a great deal. I would recommend small vacations when you fill up to it. If your not happy where you are now, then start making small trips to areas on where you want to live. I wish you lots of love and the very best! You only have one life so enjoy it!

Only someone who has walked in these shoes can understand the roller coaster of emotions. My mom will have been gone a year next month and I am still struggling with all the feelings I went through - the guilt, anger, resentment, sorrow, wishing I could have, should have and on and on it goes. I have seen a counselor and the bereavement people from hospice have helped me a lot. Is there somewhere else you have always wanted to live and maybe it would help changing location. Join the Y and take some classes? There have been many days I haven't even wanted to go out of the house and I am thankful for friends and family who have insisted and gotten me out. Nobody else though can understand the extent of all the feelings that were involved. Mom lived with us for 2 1/2 years until I could no longer physically take care of her. I have to try not to think of when we put her in the nursing home because it hurts so much. I know it was best for her and best for us but it's one of the hardest things I have ever done. She realized it was safer for her to be there but I still feel guilty. I am still struggling but I am finally accepting more and more that I did do the best for her that I possibly could have. All I can tell you is that it truly does take time and some days are harder than others. I have had to rethink my whole life because I have taken care of her even when she was independent and able to live alone. She never learned to drive so after I quit my job I took her everywhere she needed to go. As her health declined more and more, taking care of her took more and more of my time. After she was gone, I just felt lost like what in the world do I do now. I was the one who had POA and took care of all the details after she was in the home. I had formed relationships with staff and some of the other residents so I felt like I had lost that too and had to rethink everything when all of a sudden I had all this time. Just know that you did the best you could and it sounds like you went above and beyond. Be kind to yourself. If there are any hobbies you enjoy or reading or whatever, do it. I thought after Mom was gone, I would do all the projects and things around here I wasn't able to do while she was here or when I was spending so much time at the nursing home. Almost a year and I feel like I have dreamwalked through it. I have spent hours reading or playing games on my phone that just takes my mind away from everything from the last 5 years but it's what I needed to do. Hugs to you and my heart hurts for you.

I also lost my mother about two months ago after 10+ years of increasing care-giving. She started out in independent living, moved to AL in 2011 and memory care in February of 2016. I was POA and health POA, as well as errand runner. I spent many hours visiting her, particularly as her health declined during the last few months of her life. I also felt a mix of relief and sadness. Immediately after her death I was busy with notifying family, funeral planning, emptying her room at the MC, writing thank-you notes and taking care of details. I do have a husband, children and grandchildren as well as a part-time job, but a few weeks after the funeral I also felt what I can only describe as an emptiness and a lack of motivation. On a whim, I bought a big box of chocolates and drove out to the MC facility. I spent about an hour talking to the staff who had been such a big part of my life for the last few years. I went at a time when I knew most of the "regulars" would be there. We shed a few tears and shared many hugs. I realized that during the last several days of my mom's life I had been in a kind of a daze, and never really took the time to tell the staff how much I appreciated their care of mom and their support of me during those days. I don't know that I would call my visit "closure", but it felt like I had completed a task. I left feeling more like moving on with the other things in my life.

Dear sdbike:

I know what you are going through. I lost mom in September and I can't even think about celebrating anything. Like you.. I was "it" for mom with no help from my sibling. I am also having financial difficulties as a result of all this, so much so, that I am trying to get a second job and may have to be late with this month's rent as a result.

I cry a little everyday because I miss mom terribly. When I do though I tell myself she was unhappy being sick and her only joy was seeing me and knowing that I was her voice, her anchor, her soldier and her friend. I haven't sought grief counseling. I'm too busy trying to figure out how to sell or donate things, get that second job, pay the bills etc. I meditate each morning and before I go to bed at night and it really does help to keep you focused.

I hope the new year brings me love in my life. I am tired of being alone. Yet with all I have to do and working two jobs, I hope to make that possible. If you have your faith and you were as close as I was to my mom, know that you really did everything you could have for her. Know that she loves you and is with you and will be... You will see her in everything you do and feel her support as you endeavor to go forward in your life.

Time to take care of you now...

I think you're in the shock stage. Logically, you were aware of her death was coming - for years - but emotionally you were not ready when it actually did happen. This is common to all of us who are sole caregivers to our loved ones. We do whatever we can to brace ourselves for the physical death of our loved one but when it does actually happen our brains have a hard time processing it because we've been going 24/7 for so long and then boom - it stops. Can you take a mini vacation? You don't have to go far, maybe even a rent a hotel room in your city so you can get a break from your environment and take some time to recharge to begin the next chapter of your life? It wouldn't hurt to speak to a grief counselor.

I understand on some levels what you discuss. I am very sorry for your loss. Although I think our situations were very different, I am the grandchild and have abuse issues with the grandfather my mother had me caring for for 10 years, some of the situations and feelings may overlap. I once told my therapist that when he finally died I would have a party, not literally, because I don't know anyone and wouldn't want to have a party, but just because it was finally over. It ended one month ago exactly, after two weeks of watching him die in stages with only my mother and my 'never there before' brother at the bed side. It has been a solid month. I cried when he died, and walked after the body as it was loaded into the van and driven to the mortuary. Family came in from out of town, decisions were made, cousins' who had happy memories of the fifties got together and recalled good times, and the "wonderful man he was..." meanwhile I sat on the sidelines angry, numb and resentful.
It is change, the no longer having our WHOLE lives be wrapped up in: what does Daddy need, what do we need to get for daddy what do we have to not do, do, where do we have to go, what would be best for him as the money oozed away to the nursing home he lived in for the last three years of his life, my mother "does not believe in being paid by family for care" She said this over and over, while I did the bulk of the care. Being close to the man who would leer at me and make suggestive comments as both adult and child.
Yes, I am still angry, resentful and broke. My mother and aunt will split the bulk of what little is left of his money and I am still trying to get social security disability. I heard my aunt wonder in aggrieved tones "how much the grandchildren will get...?" There are five of us. Even though my brother lives here I was the only one responsible for grandpas care. Eventually, I got a monthly gift of two hundred dollars. What I may get now will only be enough to take me off food stamps for three months.
Yeah, I am angry and bitter and resentful and it will take some time for these feelings to pass, if they ever do. I have a therapist and group I go to and I think about going on vacation. I used to wonder what would happen if I stole his credit card and took off to Paris. I don't have to conscience or guts to do things like that. Some people just get walked over by life I think and I am one of them.
I am not sure what kind of person you are or what your values are. I say VALUE yourself. You are a good person and did a very hard job alone. You deserve a vacation and a good life! Find what you like to do, or try something you have always wondered about. Get involved, make new friend and acquaintances don't let yourself become down hearted, even as you mourn, see the loss as an inevitable part of life and that YOUR life starts now. You don't have to do it all at once, I know the odd feelings of day to day reality of, My life is no longer wrapped up in this other person! What do I do now. It is scary, it is a major change. Part of it, your mothers death, was not something you had any control over, but the rest is up to you. You may want to just coast for a bit, give yourself time to grieve both the loss of your mother and the loss of the, less than ideal, but very real life you have lived for almost a decade. Maybe it is like they say an empty cup can be refilled. I say look at that cup and all it held and be grateful for the good things that were in it, sorry for the bad bits, wash it out, and put it on a shelf and go find new stuff to put in it. New people, new experiences new places and things to fill it up for the next part of your life. I am 47 this year, It is not 60, but I feel I have hit an epoch myself. There is all that came before and what's next. I am hovering between resentment and genuine agency if you get my meaning. I won't say there is nothing stopping me as there are real life issues at play here, but my life is wide open. He is gone. All that came before, came before and the rest , how ever long I have, the next bit, is up to me. If you have faith, turn to it, if you have hobbies you once loved but dropped in the constant daily care and focus of caregiving pick them up again. Old friends, renew the relationship where it is possible and take up new interests and make some more. It is all up to you, hard as that can be to believe. In some ways I feel I was safer having to "live my life" for someone else. That was like a giving up for me, a dodge, a reason not to try. I guess I can't hide any more... Life happens, there is so much we have no control over, but where we have control, where it really counts, ask yourself, What is important to me and what do I want my life to be. In this new quiet, this open stage of your life, the answers will come Believe in yourself and give yourself the love and care and focus you once gave to your mother. That's how I see it, if it helps any. Take good care of your self, I hope 2018 is a wonderful year for you! Jen

Your anger, guilt, frustration, etc. are all normal. You did not ask for all the related problems of taking care of seniors. Just remember one thing. They are older than you, they have lived their lives. Nowhere is it written in stone you must give up YOUR life to care for them. This is YOUR time to live and you better do it while you still can. Do the things that make YOU happy and take care of yourself. Find ways for them to be cared for safely and adequately but put yourself first. You deserve it - you have earned it. You cannot make things better with them. I assure you things will only get worse with time. Good luck. Someday others will be taking care of you when you start losing it. It is the cycle of life.

sdbike: Deepest condolences going out to you. It is quite natural to have the range of emotions that you have because of the duration that you provided care. Big hugs ((( ))).

Oh, sdbike. I just lost my mom on December 8th this year. I am beyond words as to how I feel. I took care of mom in my home for the past 5 years with very little help from the other 4 siblings. In the last year, I got no help from the siblings. My mom's wish was to not be institutionalized and to die at home. She was not in her home, but she was in my home until her last breath.
I have never been through such an experience. I am very grateful to have been able to fulfill her wish. There are many times I don't know how I did it, but I did it. No regrets. The greatest gift to mom was to keep her home. Her greatest gift to me was all the life lessons she continued to teach me through her struggle with Alzheimer's.
It's hard to describe how I feel right now other than to say I feel very lost. I still have my job but I don't feel like I belong there. I lost my friends over the past 5 years and I'm trying to reconnect but it's been difficult. I'm trying to be kind to myself as I go through the grieving process but it's been a challenge.
Absolutely take advantage of the grief counseling offered by Hospice. I will be doing the same.
I am just taking one day at a time, just as I have the past 5 years. I am making appointments to get annual testing done like a mammogram, colonoscopy, etc that I have not done in the past few years. I will be sitting down and coming up with some sort of plan for the new year, but I also know nothing is written in stone.
So, be kind and patient with yourself. We will figure this out. But I do feel that we need to allow ourselves the time to feel sadness, cry, laugh, do nothing, remember the good memories and just be. I believe caregivers are angels on earth. We will thrive in the years to come because we deserve to do just that. And we will. We just have to give it some time to sort it all out.
I wish for you this new year a life filled with joy, compassion, fulfillment and peace. That is my wish for you. Take care of yourself, my fellow caregiver.

Dear sdbike,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I am very sorry for your loss. You are an amazing person for caring for your parent. I hope the hospice counselling will help.

I can totally relate to your post. It's been one year since my father passed and I am still struggling a bit with what to do with my time. All our wonderful friends on this forum have given so many kind suggestions and good advice. I think it will be a lot of trial and error. Please be kind to yourself and know that you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings.

Take care my friend. Wishing 2018 brings you comfort and peace.

I'm 77 and still working; I went through the caregiver situation with my MIL, FIL and husband. One reason I'm still working is that I still have a small business that I enjoy and like to keep busy. Over the years I have a variety of people work for me, including moms with kids just starting school and other adults at loose ends. I can't pay a lot, but for someone who likes working with people and has some business smarts, there may be someone like me that could use part-time help. At least keep an eye out for people you may know in my position!

My female cousin was the POA and caregiver for both of her aged parents, before they went into assisted living and during. She devoted her entire lives to them (never had children but did marry). When they finally passed at the ages of 97 and 96, she was totally lost and depressed. She considered them the children she never had, and now that they were gone, so was her entire LIFE. That wasn't true, of course, but it was how she interpreted her grief & loss. She did not receive counseling, and to this day (some 5 years later), she STILL does nothing, gets no joy from anyone or anything, and spends her spare time going through old family photos and reminiscing about the wonderful parents she lost. Truth be told, she had a horrendous relationship with her mother, but memories are often seen through rose-colored glasses. My point is this: do not become my cousin! The departed loved ones do NOT want us living what's left of our lives in misery, despair, or going through old photos in a useless attempt to recapture what's now gone. Get on with YOUR life, or go ahead and CREATE one now that you have spare time! Life isn't over at 60, in many ways it's just beginning. Join a dating service and do some volunteer work; that will give you a whole new lease on life.

Best of luck & my sincere condolences for your profound loss, dear woman.

Sorry for your loss. Everyone grieves differently. You were her Angel in life now go and be kind to yourself. You brother and sister sound like selfish people. Time lessons the loss and if you were close to your Mom it never really goes away but her memory will be in your heart. My mother has been gone for 7 years now and I miss her everyday. My father as well. But they are in a better place (Heaven) . In time you will again be happy. If talking to others makes it easier then by all means go seek therapy.

I can sympathize with you. I took care of my husband for 4 years I felt I was going to have a nervous breakdown watching him deteriorate day by day. We had to do everything doctors, ER, 911 for falls and do everything around the house. His pacemaker failed just before he was to have a new one and I felt guilty I did not fight to have it done earlier but then I thought what would happen. He would go back to his room, no quality of life and was I ready to start caregiving again. But I now feel the same way. Aside from fighting with insurance company, SS and his pension, what do I do now? Will I have enough money to live on, am I too old to get a job? I too am going to go to grief group where I went when my mom died. So right now I go to Barnes and Noble and read my books, go to the movies and walk and talk to my dogs. It would be great to have some friends to have fun with. So take it a day at a time, you will find your way.

Oh hon, you have not only lost your mother, you have lost your job. No wonder you feel adrift. Take the advice given above and take good care of yourself. Eat well, try to get enough sleep, get outside when you can and enjoy nature, if it is too cold, join a gym or walk in the closest mall for an hour or so every day. All of us are here for you also. If you can't shake your feelings in a little while, get some help through counseling.

It takes time to adjust to the 'new normal' - make a list of new places you would like to move to then visit them - why stay where you don't like living - assuming you'll live at least another 15 years [based on your mom just passing] then make the most of them - your next move is to help yourself establish where you want to be for the next few years or rest of your life - embrase this challenge as that alone will help

Relief is normal in your case - not feeling relief would be the abnormal - the relief is 2 fold 1 for her & 1 for you - hers is gone along with her pain but yours is trying to fill those hours in a day that were care giving hours which added up more than you might have realized - use that time productively & think of it as your mom's final gift to you so that you shouldn't feel guilty about having a nice time or down right fun

timely, this topic.
mom had a stroke, and is now journeying through her final decline with hospice, seemingly in comfort. i am an atheist, but my sadness for losing her is compelling me to hope she is receiving others' prayers and that they are giving her the most joyful, funny, wonderful moments from the movie of her life.

I think it is a great idea to use the free Hospice counseling available to you. After my mom died, my dad was so depressed that we were worried about him. We had been told that the counseling was available to the family for up to a year, so we called the counselor and she even came out to the house to meet with my dad. It was wonderful to have that available. Please call and do it. Talking it through with a counselor can work wonders, and best of all, they come to you and it's free!

I would do talk therapy and Grief Share; I did this abt 10 years ago when my mother passed. It worked wonders; I also landed my first apartment not long afterwards. I had a nice garden apartment where I lived with two female cats; I now have another apartment with a black and white male tux cat, and I'm on one of the better corners of my new town.

Not much to add here but glad to see this being discussed. I am the Durable and Healthcare POA for my 89-year old father and I live with him. I am responsible for paying the bills, taxes, etc. since my late mother always took care of that.

I am 58 years old, soon will be 59, and I retired from my job 6 months ago after having met the Minimum Retirement age and putting in 30 years with a Federal Agency. Ideally, I should have continued working for a few more years but the job had its own stressful aspects, including a long commute, and I just thought that it made sense to retire because then it would be easier if I had to take my father to appointments, etc. without constantly having to take time off.

I too wonder about what I will do when he is gone, and I know that I will be relieved because he always was a difficult person to live with and he never has had any social life because he alienates people with his narcissistic, negative behavior. I was never really able to get my own life off of the ground due to what I believe was severe, undiagnosed endometriosis and I still suffer from adhesions that aren't going anywhere. So that will always be a bit of an obstacle when it comes to going back to work or any regular activities. I also was never able to have any romantic life because my symptoms were so painful and debilitating for decades. So I am also single with no children.

I do know that there will be a lot of work to be done as far as cleaning out the house. I would like to be working on it now but my father and late mother have always been pack rats and anytime I mention getting rid of something he argues about it. But I too am wondering what I will do when that time comes, even though I am eager for it to get here because I am not getting any younger!

I am so sorry for your loss, you were a beautiful blessing to your mom, know in your heart you gave her what many others can not or will not give to others.

Get through your grief counseling on your time, but plan the rest of your life. You are still young enough to reach for the stars. Move to your dream location and do things that you think you might like, if you end up not liking them, oh well, move to the next thing, reach for happiness in all things. You obviously have a tremendous heart and that kind of gift can bring much happiness to all you come in contact with, asking the tired waitress how she is doing, and really caring can change her entire day, use what you have to positively touch others, it is truly healing, for you and others. Love changes lives.

Take care of yourself in 2018 and live the beautiful life you hold in your heart.

Dear sdbike, the mixture of emotions is very normal, at least it has been for me. My mom has lived with my husband and I for the last 10 years.  Your life was totally changed by your choice of caring for your mom. What a blessing you must of been to her.
It must feel in some way that those years were robbed from you. Now you are left to pick up your life again and move on. There is a lot to grieve.  Allow yourself that time. You are making a good choice to go to grief counseling.  
Volunteering may help you find a new group of friends and give you a reason to get up every day. 
🙏 Blessings