I know the rest of my family will not help my grandparents. It doesn’t matter how many times I ask for help. I’ve been desperate enough that I’ve called crying, literally begging because it’s too much to handle on my own but I don’t get anything but excuses. I’ve finally understood they’ll never help me and I can’t guilt them into helping or wish they become better people. I’ll have to keep doing the best I can, alone, while trying to raise my own family.
But how do I get past the resentment?! How can I act like it’s fine when my grandparents talk about their kids and other grandkids when I see what’s really going on? My grandmother can be hard to deal with- she’s pretty mean to me and is very demanding. I do everything I can, but it’s always wrong, never up to her standards. All day, every day, without a break. Yet she has her daughter on a pedestal, despite never seeing her and rarely even getting calls from her?! I’m so frustrated (and busy) and I don’t know how to get over this resentment. It’s not helping me be a better caregiver, it’s just making me miserable.
I have not been on this forum for long, but I share a similar situation to yours. See my questions and replies.
Pay no attention to the replies where people are doing scrutinizing every single word you type from previous posts months back and comparing them to recent posts. Then trying to catch you out to see if your story has changed. The worst thing is other members of the forum actually considering them helpful answers.
** This forum is for considerate, constructive, and supportive help to everyone on any question, period! **
I had a great reply from bundleofjoy recently on one of my questions and that's the sort people need to hear. Just check my question to see the reply from bundleofjjoy. It is really useful advice.
Hang in there, be strong, consider this as validation to your worries.
Love & Peace.
I f I am misunderstanding the situation, please offer more info.
Sounds like you are being exploited by your entire family. I would tell your grandmother you can’t help anymore. She needs to explore other options.
Go out and live your life.
You do not need to carry this load by yourself! Trust me, you will here from ALL of them when she dies. A family is never as ugly as when someone dies. I went through this with my family.
The main thing is to realize if she is left alone at a facility, she will be OK. Her memory will not let her remember anything from the day before. You can have peace, you were always the one to do what was needed. In other words, you did your part! Over and beyond, I might add.
Whatever you do, don't feel guilty about anything after your mother dies. I believe in God, and I believe she will go to Heaven. When she does, she will be completely well and will know you were the one who made the difference in her life. She does not want you to have any regrets about her!
Hold your head up high Girl and know you did great!
There is no winning in this situation for ANYONE.
It is heart wrenching.
You need to get out of the situation you have taken on.
Stop taking responsibility.
Either your grandparent's adult child/ren manage their parents' care and needs or the state will.
The question you need to answer is what quality of life do you want?
Are you willing to lose everything - money, quality time, family, health?
These are not easy questions to answer. Although you must make decisions that ultimately serve you in the long run. You are in a 'no win' situation.
Call authorities and see if there are any legal remedies to assist with the care of your grandparents. I am concerned that you are not taking care of yourself and perhaps not willing to - putting your grandparents first. What then will happen to you? You are already filled with resentment and anger.
How much more can you take?
and why would you?
You must develop self-esteem and feel self-worth to put yourself first.
Get professional help. You must change - no matter how difficult this is.
So I think that's how you get past the resentment. By changing what you are doing.
Accepting you need the help. Arranging the help.
Alternatively you could take the advice of that one who disagreed I suppose, the one who said be a 'willing martyr'.
Don't think that will lessen any resentment though - probably increase it then cause you to collapse from fatigue.
In a nutshell: change or collapse.
also contact visiting church programs and see if there are adult day care or senior centers .
sadly grandparents have their fantasy of their favorite children , when even they aren’t appreciative, it is time to arrange other care givers
Lastly, your grandparents treatment of you... They love you and appreciate you. You are like a flag pole in a lightning storm, struck because it's the closest to the sky. You are available and they are very unhappy with life right now, their predicament. If you get other caregivers to help, they will appreciate you much more because you know their care well. Unfortunately the new caregivers will get the brunt of their depression and you may go through them a bit. You can always hire caregivers to be there instead of you, and you just visit with your family, but somehow I don't think that is you. Others would certainly do that! I hope something here helps. God bless!!
Since your family won't help, consider looking for help - outside of your family - to find your grandparents a good facility - hopefully where they can be together.
The frustration can subside over time, it’s a process it’s hard yess!! You have to take charge, mentally, emotionally, physically. Let that meanness and bitterness they’re exhibiting roll off of you (even if tears are flowing).
Parenting parents and even grandparents can be overwhelming since we were never given a guideline or instructions( my hardest experience was over coming a authority figure). You are the authority figure now! Do your homework, inquire and ask questions of those in medical, social roles. Give your grandparents the help that they need because you have their best interest at heart!
In this forum there are great pieces of advice and words of wisdom so “take what you need” from here and keep going forward!
Wishing you the best outcome💕
Get with an Elder Law Attorney and make the plans needed for you and your grandparents. Is grandpa verbally abused, too? Please video grandma and keep it for proof. Please make an appointment with a Geriatric Psychiatrist: you go first and strategize prior to bringing grandma in (if she'll cooperate). Have both of your grandparents been evaluated for care? Adult Protective Services may be helpful in getting them evaluated and applying for Medicaid if they will need it.
Meanwhile, please see if your nearest facility has daycare available so that you can get out to take care of you and your duties. You deserve to be treated better than the way you are by grandma and your relatives.
This is all too much, especially since you have your own family to care for.
Sending prayers. ❤️
I completely understand your frustration!! I’ve been in your shoes, your grandmother has dementia or worse. She has only the capability of remembering to a certain point. Please don’t fault her for the disease. My grandmother asked and asked when her daughter and the other kids would come to see her. I had to make up all kinds of reasons to avoid her feelings being hurt.
Try to remember the reason you’re helping your grandmother…for her. And as long as you’re helping her then what you want most, help FOR your grandmother, is being accomplished. Does it matter who does it?
I realise you’re very busy. With the shortage of CNAs across the country, a lot of us are experiencing the same thing. You could ask your close friends, churches, heck; everyone you know to rally around and help with the care. Trust me, if you continue to ask, you will get help. It may look different but it’s help. Are your children old enough to help you? (Even in small ways?)
Your last resort is to admit your grandmother to a nursing home. (Are you the power of attorney?) I’m guessing you don’t want to do this, right? She will get care but not great care and that’s only because of the shortage of help. As hard as every CNA works, it’s still a numbers game. Maybe two CNAs to every 10-15 people.
The only way you will curb your resentment is through acceptance of the situation. You’re fighting it so much and that mindset will not help you. Your job is very, very hard; but this is much bigger than the resentment you feel. Think in the large scheme of things. Look at this INCREDIBLE opportunity you have to help someone in their golden years!! You will be in her shots one day and it will all make sense. Try to let go of ANYway that the rest of the family responses. Try to let go and understand you see your grandmother the most and so unfortunately you will hear of the time period she replays over and over in her head. Your RESPONSE is what will change everything! EVERYTHING!
look at this as an opportunity to get to know your grandmother and to rise up to being the selfless person you are meant to be. Only YOU are emotionally capable of being this caregiver.
Would a small respite help? You can ask a nursing home for hospice care for maybe a week and they would take care of your grandmother while you can take the time to organise.
Be a willing martyr. Be the bigger person. It’s an incredibly frustrating place to be but look at what you’re doing for others and look at what you’re teaching your children to do in similar situations! This is an incredible opportunity you’ve been given. Use it and learn from it. Your grandmother won’t be there forever and you will get your life back but what I wouldn’t give to have one more hour with my grandmother.
Please feel free to DM me. I would love help in any way I’m able. And I can give you honest answers to all the questions you might have.
Wishing you peace, love and joy in all the places you least expect to find them.
I really hope this reply is satire.
I will give you a bit of a caregiving lesson that I've learned over 25 years of service in this field.
When a senior brat starts getting mouthy, snide, mean, or critical of the person who's actually doing for them, they need to be cut down straight away. Don't yell or scream at them. Don't cry or give them a fight (they usually want that). In fact, don't even raise your voice.
Get right in her face and tell her the following:
'Shut the hell up. Nobody cares what you think. If anyone did they would be here helping and doing for you. They are not. I am'.
When your grandparents are singing the praises of their children and grandchildren tell them that you've already been the audience to that show and don't care to see or hear it again. Then tell them to give one of their kids or grandkids a call the next time they need something.
I truly hope for your childrens' sake as well as your own that you do not live with them. That they did not strike up a bargain with you that you and your kids move in and live for free in exchange for you just helping them out a little bit here and there.
My friend, I hope this is not what your situation is. If it is, then you made a deal with the Devil. It will be next to impossible to get yourself and your kids into a different situation.
Where is your childrens' father or fathers? I ask because I don't know you. Are you married? Is their financial support for you and the kids? When there is, it will be a lot easier to walk away. You need to walk away.
Your kids are also suffering from your grandparents' abusive neediness. Their mother is being used up by these senior brats and their bottomless pit of neediness.
Your children are more important than your grandparents. You are more than them too. This is why you have to go. Whatever deal was made for you to be their caregiver must be reneged on.
When your grandmother is acting up, you completely ignore her for as long as is safe to do so. Pay her no attention whatsoever and I mean nothing.
You are a young person. Too young to be living the miserable drudgery of caring for elderly family members.
Stop doing this. Bring in homecare. Put grandma rightly in her place when she's acting up. Then you start looking for a job.
When I was in grad school many years ago my dad passed suddenly. He was the most wonderful father. I took it hard. I was working f /t and going to school at night, fulfilling an internship. Life was busy.
Dad was an only child. I could not get the cooperation from my siblings to schedule routine visits for my grandmother who was crying on a daily basis due to the loss of her only child.
My mother, who has always been "the one" to do everything 6 weeks later lost her Mom. This would be my other grandmother that lived in our family home.
My mother never missed a week checking on her "mother in law". I, too, visited every week with petit fours, coffee, made sure Nana's hair was done, morning newspaper delivery, phone with large numbers to call me at any time of day--you name it. Nana is to be dressed everyday by a female attendant.
When my grandmother passed there was $2,000 left to her name. She was in this lovely place for 20+ years that was absolutely beautiful! My siblings came out of the woodwork to fight for $500 each. My Nana wanted me to get what she had left in this world. She never saw the other kids. I was still in grad school living like a Church mouse. Please Note: I was 30 and old enough (a woman) to assume responsibility. I stepped to the plate. I was grieving too since we also had to sell the family home to stay afloat.
Fast forward 25+ years later, "our" mother is sick with Lewy Body Dementia. This time around I knew who the players were. You need to call on all outside services--ask once and then drop the subject. Stop going to the door that is not opening. In other words, if the people don't want to help, they don't want to help.
You need a break. How did a grandchild end up doing this? Are you all living together under one roof? Where is the next of kin, your parents and you sound young..in your 20's. Need more info.
You will be a good caregiver only when you take appropriate care of yourself! Good luck!
Time for you to move on from all your Grandparents' responsibilities . You have to stop being your grandparents' caregiver before you burn out.
Your own family is your first priority.
If you cannot get over your resentment choice, it's time to get professional help.
Now, you have to decide if you want to keep caregiving for her. If so, things have GOT to change. You need to stand up for yourself and set some serious boundaries. If you don't want to do it, give your notice, move out - hopefully far away.
I am also tired. It's a 24/7/365 job and friends to suggest that I "just need a vacation" have no clue how ridiculous that idea is. Of course I need a vacation. Suggesting the impossible is not helpful.
All that said, I see at least two different things happening in your story:
1. Your family doesn't help.
2. Your current situation is abusivr and unsustainable.
I'm not sure it is clear to your that these two things are separate and can / should be addressed separately.
To your question of how not to be resentful:
1. Recognize this is your choice.
2. Recognize that they may actually be most helpful by staying out of the picture. People are often unhelpful. More involvement is not always better. The best thing my brother can do is stay out of the situation so that I can care for my mom without his interference, judgement, or critique.
To the other issues of how you are coping with the responsibilities of caregiving:
1. You need to stop deflecting the struggles you are having onto the fact that your family doesn't help. The deflection away from the struggle is wasted energy and won't help you fix the problems.
2. Once you acknowledge that this is your choice and your solution, feel the empowerment to build the skills! Explore the options that range from ending your caregiving entirely to working with doctors to get appropriate help (possibly placement) for the possible disease processes you may be seeing in your grandparents, to in home help or day care placement, and a wide range of self-care skills.
Ideally, you let go of the fantasy that family will help and start getting down to the task of taking care of yourself while you care for your grandparents.
I wish you luck on your journey.
I chose this because it chose me. Thank you for reminding me of that fact.
I’d suggest that you sit down with a pencil and a piece of paper divided into two columns. In one column list the advantages for you and your children in the present arrangements, for now and for the future. Don’t be ashamed if they are mostly financial – money matters to all of us. In the other column list the disadvantages, again for now and for the future.
Go down the ‘disadvantages’ list, and see if you can imagine ways to make them less awful. Then go down the ‘advantages’, and see if there are ways to get those advantages in new arrangements. After that, it’s probably worth taking both lists plus your thoughts to someone neutral – a counselor, or a social worker (perhaps available free from APS if you base it on your grandparents’ needs), or even a free financial counseling service.
At the end of all that, and with the benefit of other input, perhaps you can see what steps (big or small) you can take. You don’t have to work it all out on your own!
Start with a plan. Maybe write out steps to make a change up re: living sitch. Live close by so you can pop around to help but not with her. I think when you realize there is more of a purpose for your life, you will feel empowered & push to make changes..have more successes for yourself... Just read this when I googled. From a "Forbes" article: "It’s never too late to take back your power. Commit to becoming the driver—rather than the passenger—in your life. Decide that you’re going to be in control of how you think, feel, and behave regardless of the situation you find yourself in."
Help your G-Ma as you can, but walk away when she is being nasty.. Keep working on that plan to get out-get a job...rent your own apartment, etc?!
Not sure where you live but many people nowadays make a ton in dog walking!
"Tell grandma she's going to need to manage on her own for 2 weeks because you are needing to take a break.
Tell her that you are going to spend this time considering whether you want to continue this job. In the meantime, she will need to make other arrangements.
This is not said in anger, it's just the facts. If she becomes abusive, hang up.
I only volunteer my time for folks who treat me with respect and kindness. I strongly encourage you to do the same.
You have 3 young children. You are their only resource. Grma and grandpa can hire help. Your kids can't."
THIS is how you stop feeling resentment.