My family moved my dad in with me. I didn't consent but here we are. I do everything for him. I talk to him, i put the tv on, I clean, make him coffee, take him with me places. When he wakes up at 3am I go in there and listen or if he wants the tv on I turn it on. I will sit and watch a show with him, or talk to him when I can and I spend every Saturday with him all day. I make no plans with anyone else. I also work full time and have always been a free spirit. I go to the office and every morning I say good by to him and hug him then he goes out with one of my siblings and tells them that I don't want him there and that I dont talk to him and ignore him. He thinks I should just sit on the sofa all day with him and watch tv. It's maddening that he says this to them because my entire life is shifted. I'm exhausted and it hurts he would say these things when I'm doing so much.
It is heart-wrenching and frustrating when the parent or parents you are caring for accuse of you mistreatment and other things you haven't done.
It is easier said than done, but as others have mentioned, please try not take it personally. Dementia eats away at the brain while continuing to try make sense of what is happening in the world around it. Your dad's brain may be telling him he doesn't need a caregiver (not remembering one of his children is his caregiver) so it tells him to badmouth the caregiver so whoever will listen will take pity and get rid of the caregiver. If his body is still fairly healthy, but his brain is malfunctioning, that has to be disorienting -- and could be the reason why his brain is making up those stories. That doesn't make any sense, but dementia is a non-sensical disease.
Some of my personal experiences have included my mom accusing me of pushing her while she was showering, and breaking a piece of ceramic art she had hanging on the wall. I think the shower accusation was a dream that her brain remembers and so it thinks it was reality; and she broke the wall art in a fit of anger, but before dementia, my mom was rare to anger so her brain can't make sense of why she would break something in anger. I was hurt when she made those accusations about me. I wanted to cry; but, I had to remind myself it is the disease.
As others have expressed, you need support. I understand you have a full plate, but if you can't rely on your family for your support -- most particularly emotional support -- please consider joining a caregiver support group. It is so important to have people who understand what you are going through for advice and support.
My thoughts are with you.
But regardless how that happened, let's discuss the present. You bave extea help coming in. Good.
Then, what do you want going forward?
I know his words hurt, but you have to let them roll off your back. If you’re concerned that your siblings believe him, maybe shoot back with your own “That’s nice. He said you hit him all the time and stole his money. <shrug> Meh, what are you going to do?”
I cannot believe their nerve, moving him in when you were away. Outrageous!
His condition will only worsen. Please investigate other arrangements. Can you “vacation” elsewhere for a week to force them to step up? While it’s great that they do participate, you may soon find he expects you 24/7. I doubt they have a realistic view of the situation.
The ugliest thing about dementia is the elders lack of empathy and compassion for the daughter or son who does the most. We always seem to get the short end of the stick in every case. Bad mouthed to others, accused of never visiting with them, stealing from them, abusing them.....we've had elders with dementia call the police on loved ones to report being hurt and hit, all lies, and then the loved one gets investigated! I'm sorry you're going thru such a thing. I was treated very poorly by my mother with dementia also, who seemed to enjoy saying horrible and hurtful things to me. I tried to chalk it all off to disease, but sometimes I'd wonder if she really meant it? A no win situation for sure.
I would hope your siblings realize dad is confabulating with what he says, and that he does the same with them too. It may help you all to pick up a copy of Understanding the Dementia Experience by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller on Amazon so you can learn about dementia and how to deal with the whole situation. The author has some great tips for coping and strategies for dealing with elders too.
https://a.co/d/bMeLZvu
Best of luck to you.
It’s annoying that D tells the rest that you are mean to him, but that’s not the real problem – which is when do you make it clear to ‘the family’ that you are not going to continue this. D has to go somewhere else. They moved him in with you. Which of them is going to be the next place he gets moved into? They start a serious conversation about a better plan, or one of them is going to find him on the doorstep with a suitcase.
And you need to have a come to Jesus meeting with your siblings, where you lay things out clearly that you can no longer care for your dad as you have a full-time job and a life and just can't do this anymore. PERIOD.
I'm really not clear how anyone can force you to take someone into your home when you haven't given them permission to do so. Something is definitely fishy about that for sure, and there's more to that story than what you've shared, I'm sure.
But now bottom line, your dad requires more help than you can provide and shouldn't be home alone while you're at work, and you certainly don't need to be quitting your job to care for him full-time as that will certainly hurt you in the long run.
I would start looking at memory care facilities in your area with your siblings and find the right one for your dad, where he will be around other folks his own age and have lots of opportunities to be as active and involved as he would like.
Your dad is only going to get worse and now is the time to make sure that he's well taken care of for the rest of his life, in a facility.
Best wishes in you all finding the right one for your dad.
Why are you the sacrificial lamb? If 77 represents your birth year then ur 46 my DDs age. No way would I at 74 expect her to care for me. You work a f/t job and this getting up at 3am is going to cause problem. Do not quit your job to care for Dad. Your SS earnings depend on you working. And he needs 24/7 care.
You need to sit your siblings down and tell them Dad needs 24/7 care you cannot give. Tell them exactly what you said here and that you can't keep this up and your not quitting a job. If none of the siblings will take him, he needs placement using his money. Stand up for yourself.
They are happy enough to tell you all this, are they?
Reprehensible, imho. And silly. And childish.
Now, firstly you tell us this: "My family moved my dad in with me. I didn't consent but here we are".
You most CERTAINLY DID consent, or your father could not be there.
Legally people are not allowed to willy-nilly move anyone into your home without your consent.
Next you tell us "I do everything for him".
Why? Clearly he is not so demented that he cannot be left alone? Right? Because you go off to work.
So why are you doing everything for him?
You are a grownup now.
You need to take responsibility for your own choices, not blame them on others. If you continue in this manner others will continue to take advantage of you. We tell people who we are and what we expect of them by our actions. Clearly your siblings feel their abuse of you is expected and accepted, or they wouldn't try it.
1. What is the legal care contract drawn up by dad's POA and an attorney?
What portion of your mortgage, utilities and food costs does Dad pay?
By the way, who IS the POA?
Because if you are the caregiver, then it should be you.
2. Who watches over a stage 5 dementia patient while you are at work?
Here is my advice: (given what little we know)
IF there is a POA, go to that person and say "It isn't working for me to have Dad living with me. You will need to find him placement in facility by ____________(give date). I have made no agreement to care for dad and I am incapable of continuing to do so.'
IF there is no POA then you will need to get conservatorship or guardianship. Gather your papers that designate your father as Stage 5 dementia and see and elder law attorney. Whatever else you do, DO NOT WHISPER A WORD OF THIS TO FAMILY . This court cost action will be reimbursed to you as his guardian.
After you have guardianship place dad in care.
Now as to Dad telling others you are "mean" to him. That's normal nonsense. We always hold those we live with and are closest to responsible for our woes, whether we have dementia or not.
You aren't some martyr out there looking to be filled with arrows, hopefully.
You are a grown woman who now will need to get the family together and honestly tell them that this isn't working.
Give them your options to work together, or hire an attorney and work alone to step by step take care of this.
I wish you the very best of luck. This can be done step by step. Stay strong. I hope you will update us.
He's living with you and obviously you have most of the stress of his CG on you. Are you really OK with this? Sounds like it, but underneath that I do feel a certain measure of 'I'm being used".
Can you talk to these family members and tell them what you've told us? Would they believe you?
What's dad's mental status? It's really common for a person to complain about having a lack of care from the ONE family member who is taking the biggest chunk of work.
Maybe it's time to entertain thoughts of moving dad to some kind of ALF? You say 'stage 5-ish' but I have no idea what that refers to. His mental status? Cancer?
Minimally, there should be a pretty open dialogue between you and the other family involved. Everybody should have the same level of information and there should be ONE care plan, not several.
Until we know a little bit more about dad's actual health--IDK if anyone can help you much.
Mostly, it seems, you need much better communication between you and the other family involved. If you no longer wish to have dad living with you, your family deserves to know this and be a part of the changed living arrangements.
Bless you for having a big heart that allows dad to live with you--but you need to have your own life, too.
Family is great...until they're not.