There is a place I've been wanting to go for about five years to visit but it never worked out. I decided to make it happen about a month ago and I took my mother with me. I rented a house right on a beautiful lake with a deck overlooking the water. The weather was colder than was expected so I did not get to swim but I was mostly happy with the quiet, reading and looking at the water. My mother, though, could not find anything nice to say about the place we were staying. This was not a super eight motel but easily a 700k house. Once she gets on a negativity roll, there's not really any stopping her and she lambasted her way through the whole vacation. I did not try to change her mind while on the vacation but after we got home I told her she ruined my vacation, especially since I've wanted to go there for so many years, her complaining constantly just sucked the enjoyment out of everything. I said she could have pretended to enjoy it or at least kept her complaints to herself. She apologized but since then I've felt really disconnected. Like she's not going to be happy no matter what I do, so I'm not gonna put too much effort into it.
One day this past week, she was awake and upset when I got up to go to work and her issue was she was sad thinking that all of her children were going to go to hell. I listened for a few minutes and made a couple comments but I wasn't going to be late to work over it, especially as this is not the first time we've had this conversation nor will it be the last. Apparently she has noticed my new approach and doesn't like it and I think I'm ok with that. I dont have to agree with her all the time or get upset whenever she does. I have spent many hours and many days trying to listen and help her to feel better about the same things and it never seems to have much effect.
Im tired. I still love her and will help her but I'm realizing that I feel like if she couldn't fake a positive happy attitude for three days for something important to me, what am I doing all of this for? It really hurt my feelings that my happiness was worth so little to her. I went to a lot of effort, time and expense to make it nice and she just shit all over that because she focused on what she didn't like. Why should I put extra effort into things for her if this how it's going to go when it's something for me? The only expectation I had was for her to relax and have a nice time, she did not need to do a single thing.
"I'm starting to think my mom is determined to drive people away from her. All day since I got home from work, she's been ranting and raving about one thing after another. For example, I recently decided to save up an emergency fund so she keeps telling me different things I should spend money on around the house. Or we went to the store and I asked what she wanted to eat, she couldn't decide anything then asked about if they would have chicken, they didn't, so we got KFC, which she complained about. Then just now, she starts talking about feeling like 'something is off or wrong' and she might do something, shes not sure what. I think shes mad bc I don't get all worked up or try to solve all the problems ahe tries to come up with. I let her rant for a while then when I can't listen anymore, I say ok enough, done now. She usually quiets down but is pissed off for awhile. I don't really have a point, just wanted to vent."
This is from February 2023:
"Tonight is a perfect example of what happens. It was my sister's birthday so we went up to her house to get her, than another half hour to get my brother and we went out to eat. Things seem to be going fine until we drop my brother off. Then my mom starts talking about my brother and how worried she is about him and my sister jumps in and starts telling my mom how she talks negatively about everyone then the two of them are off on a meaningless argument that won't change anything and to me, just seems pointless. At this point, I try to stay out of their arguments and I just stare out the car window waiting for it to end. Cue an awkward hour ride back to my sister's house and awkward goodbye. Mom barely said a word the whole ride home, which is fine, but means that she's storing it up to be upset about later. This is how it goes at least fifty percent of the time when we get together."
Your mother sounds quite depressed. Is she getting help for that?
What is her reasoning?
Did you honestly expect that she would be able to do that?
Can you bring to mind any occasion, ever, when your mother appeared to be relaxed and having a nice time?
The type of negativity you describe in your mother is absolutely exhausting to live with. It is, really. You go on to mention techniques you've developed to make sure it doesn't wreck your working day and I'm very impressed by that because it is by no means easy to come to such realization; but if there's one further thing to take away from your ruined holiday it's that you need regular breaks *from her.* Next time spend part of the budget on hiring respite care and go without her.
I'm glad you can disengage as much as you will allow yourself to. I reached that point with my mother when I started getting paid (including back-pay) for driving her around (the trips took hoursssss). I was able to look at it as just a job, for which I was paid $20/hour (no taxes taken out; it was considered a gift). I was able to set aside my emotions much easier at that point.
"Why should I put effort into this"?
I don't know. I know I would be unable to do this for someone who wouldn't meet me halfway-like trying some treatment for her depression.
Does she go to adult Day Care? Attend a Senior Center? Interact with anyone?
Try not to get too worked up, I learned old people are like little children. They lose their filters.
Next time go without her, you will have a much better time.
Take that wonderful holiday. Alone next time.
My husband will cleverly pull out his phone and start showing her funny videos from YouTube or Insta or TikTok and that usually gets her onto a different course. All her life she has been a glass-half-empty person and I'm the opposite. I would never pick her as a friend, I think she has a mild personality disorder or is somewhere high on the spectrum as her only friends in life have been her sisters (and me by default).
I have to tell myself daily that I'm not responsible for her happiness, I am not her entertainment committee. Her emergencies are not my urgencies. I will take her to a few places but because of her chronic negativity and micro-managing and nagging I don't take her anywhere socially anymore, even if my friends ask to see her -- she is a total Debbie Downer and I just refuse. I already have to be with her every day as it is.
You need to stop "taking the bait" when your Mom launches into her black goo. Literally walk out of the room without an explanation and keep walking away from her every time she does it. Or, put in earbuds and listen to your favorite music, or change the topic abruptly. You need to figure out strategies for dealing with people with dementia because they don't get better, they don't even stay the same: they only get worse -- and you need to decide how you're gonna live with it, or not.
Also, stop having expectations of her.
Expectations are premeditated disappoinments.
You are the one who needs to change, you need to set boundaries and stick to them. You will never please her so stop torturing yourself. Your mother will just get more toxic as she ages. She doesn't care about you, it is all about her.
Back down, cut down on the # of visits, when go and she starts walk out, that is what I had to do with my mother, I did tell her why, she would be good for awhile, then it would start all over again. I finally stopped talking to her, it has been 13 blissful years.
That's well and good and WORTH THE PRICE total of that vacation if you can learn that single wonderful lesson from your trip.
For me, however, your new approach with mom seems a bit passive-aggressive. I would DO exactly as you ARE doing--I think it's great, especially since it has come to your as a gift,
and is automatically breaking years-long habits you have formed in your relationship with mom.
BUT......................
First, with this newfound and somewhat miraculous deep peace and understanding I would FIRST sit mom down gently with a nice cuppa and I would say:
"Mom, I know our last vacation, which I so loved, wasn't right up your alley. I am sorry about that, and I would love you to be thinking where you might want to go NEXT year, that we BOTH might like. But, thinking on this, and recently listening to some of your complaints about OTHER things, some of your discontent, I have come to the conclusion that you simply are not especially happy.
Moreover, Mom, there's not a whole lot that any of us can do about that.
I used to find it so disturbing, and I felt that I just HAD TO FIND A WAY to make you happier. But suddenly, for some unknown reason, I just understand that I canNOT make you happy. And that it isn't my responsibility to do so.
I just love you to death, but I don't want to hear a lot of complaints anymore. So from now on when you get started I am just going to tell you to stop. I don't want to hear it anymore. I am going to ask you to retire to your room and think about something we can do together on the weekend that will bring you some joy, some contentment, some peace and happiness."
This lets your mom know that you are done with this.
I cannot tell from your brief note here what your history is with your mom. And can't tell if you have had a miraculous "awakening" or have just "shut down". But whichever, do give your mom a heads up that things are different now. And give her a bit of time to adjust what is more habitual griping than anything else.
Best of luck, and whatever the reason is you have had this awakening, I am so glad for you.
Her mother could care less about the "why" and to ask her where she would like to go on vacation is just condescending some more, at this point it makes no difference where the mother wants to go, it is about the daughter and defining her needs.
And wasting her weekends on her mother? Why? She needs to get her own life and not be saddled by her mother 24/7, OP needs some space to enjoy her life, not keep trying to appease her mother.
This was ur first post from Dec 2018. You mentioned then Mom crying all the time, chronic pain and Dementia. After 4 1/2 years hasn't that Dementia gotten worse? Or was it a misdiagnosis? Really, if you can talk to her the way you did and she seems to understand after 4 1/2 years thats pretty good for a person suffering from a Dementia. With my Mom, after 5 yrs she was in her last stages and could not carry on a conversation.
Glad that you finally realize that there is nothing you can do, this is your mother. She is just not a happy person. I had a friend the same way and that estranged her from her boys. Even friends backed off.
Yet, he never stops trying to kick the football. Lucy makes him endless promises that she's not going to pull it away this time. So Charlie gets a running start and goes to kick tha football as hard as he can and Lucy pulls it away again.
You are Charlie Brown and your mother is Lucy. Your life is the football.
Stop trying to please your mother. Stop trying to make her happy. She wants to be miserable and negative. There's nothing that you or anyone else can do about that.
So leave her to it and get a life for yourself.
If she has dementia and can't manage at her own put her in AL or memory care.
Enough is enough.
The key to YOUR sanity is acknowledging your mother for who she is while acknowledging and respecting your own limitations. Ask yourself why you're willing to put up with all of this nonsense continuously? One discussion about me "going to hell" would be enough to look into other living arrangements for mother (if you are cohabitating). AL gives her OTHER ears to chatter into as well as autonomy and the power of choice in her life. It's the best answer for chronically unhappy elders who want to ruin our lives. It's not okay to do that nor is it okay for us to be doormats bc we love them. Love doesn't conduct itself in the way our mothers do.
Yes, in a sense you are both holding one another back. It is called enmeshment and it isn't honestly healthy for either party. It enables helplessness for one--and the anger that goes along with that--, and a sense of power and purpose for the other. But it isn't overall healthy for either, even while it so often "feels good" and "feels safe" for both.
You might want to consider a few hours of counseling. Sometimes a Licensed Social Worker in private practice of counseling is helpful for life transitions work. And they can have good insight into habitual ways of acting and reacting that might help a whole lot.
I'm glad you told her that she ruined the vacation. No one ever told my grandmother NO so she just got worse and worse with bad behaviors.
Leave the room as soon as the critical talk starts. Tell her to stop and leave if she doesn't. Plan a weekend away without her. I understand how difficult it is to live with a person who is a debbie downer. My husband gets into mood where he gets outraged over the most ridiculous things. I've learned to tune him out. Luckily he isn't like that 24/7.
After my step monster went into memory care, Dad laid a lot of guilt on me to entertain him. I took on three trips and he ruined every one. I said no more trips, but then I continued taking him to dinner - still awful. I finally, finally realized I am not responsible for his happiness.
The hardest thing is that we have a sense of fear of and obligation to our parents. What a bunch of shit. We need to let that go.
Peace to you.
going out to dinner was especially painful. One time we took her out for her birthday. After years of this bugging me, I told her if you don’t like the menu, like your chair, like the waitress, the entree selection, if it is too hot or too cold in the room please let me know before we place the food order and so we can get up and leave. After that I do not want to hear it. She was annoyed with me but she shut up.
One time my parents invited her to go to dinner with my family for a holiday and she spit the salad out all over her plate because she hated balsamic vinegar. Complained to my parents who were her hosts about this. She was so self absorbed that she did not take notice of my parents’ generosity to include her.
Some people prefer to be unhappy and make everyone around them
miserable too.
Great, you have accepted this and now you can move on. She sounds abusive.
Next time she worried because her kids are going to hell, tell her you are hanging up and then HANG UP. (I have to admit I laughed when I got to that part)
Don’t take more than one phone call a day from her.
Let it go to voicemail and talk to her once or twice a week.
It certainly would have been more pleasant for you had she been happy for you.
You were kind enough to invite her to go along with you and she didn’t appreciate it. We can stand on our heads and do back flips and they won’t even notice.
I’m convinced that being miserable is a hobby for some people because they can be surrounded with all the good things in life and they still aren’t happy.
I become frustrated with people who behave this way because not only are they not able to be content with their lives but they are oblivious to the fact that their attitude puts a damper on others being able to enjoy themselves.
I’m glad that your mom apologized to you. I hope that her apology was sincere.
Next time you are able to get away, invite someone else and leave your mom home with a caregiver.
Wishing you all the best.
The apology likely is not sincere. My mother does this all the time.
The "apology" from people like the OP's mother and my own are not from a place of true regret and wanting to make amends for something they've done.
No. The apology is a half-hearted performance they put on to make sure that we continue trying to help them, please them, put something good in their lives they can ruin, and we'll continue coming back again for them to abuse.
I didn't speak to my mother for six years and didn't have her at my wedding when I married my second husband.
She ruined my first wedding with her negativity, snideness, and resentment so wasn't going to get a chance to ruin another one.
Evidently, she was so "hurt". People reap what they sow in this life. Her not being there was her fault, not mine.
Some people are incapable of enjoying anything even when it actually is all about them.
Their enjoyment of something comes from being able to ruin it for others. They get great pleasure seeing the long faces and tears.
It's just so much extra gravy on the biscuit for these people when their behavior can cause fighting too. When this happens it's like Christmas for my mother. Now I think on it, she ruined just about every Christmas of my childhood with the fight instigating. Not the most wonderful time of the year for me.
These kinds of narcissistic, emotional vampires need to be kept at arm's length in people's lives or cut out of their lives completely.
No one is happy every minute of the day. I suffer from depression, but I never used that as a reason or excuse to make other people miserable or ruin their happy times.
There's no excusing the behavior of the OP's mother in ruining the vacation.
The OP should just walk away and leave the mother to her own misery and let her fend for herself.
If she's got dementia, put her in a home then walk away.
Your only response to your mother's complete and utter nonsense about all of her kids going to hell, should have been:
'Well, at least it's a dry heat'.
Really, I think you need to start ignoring her for periods of time. Don't engage when she's instigating and trying to start trouble.
The all my kids going to hell, is instigating.
We don't have that type of patience. We don't have that type of time. Infants grow into toddlers. Toddlers turn into kids. Kids turn into teenagers and teenagers turn into young adults.
Some old people revert back to their child egos and narcissistic ways. Don't waste your good years taking crap from an old crone who is deadset on being miserable, refusing help and medications to make her life and for those around her better. Stop rewarding bad behavior. You come around when you know someone is working to better their situation. When someone is just sitting in their mess and refuses to do anything about it even though they have the capacity to do so, leave them alone.
You must plan another vacation away from your mom!!! Your mom needs to know she can go away and make others miserable.
I have to admit I have a sister that manipulated and controlled my every decision and emotion. I was in therapy. I literally stated I felt I couldn't get away from her until she died. And now of all things I'm her caregiver in her final stages of dementia. How funny life is.