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We went to THERAPHY once because she didn’t want to go again she remembers me screaming at her and her being afraid to leave the room she was 12 days I never abused her physically I don’t understand yes I was frustrated like any parent I tried time out etc I am really sad because this came out of nowhere when I stop giving her money she is 34 and married I feel that she doesn’t like me it’s been going on for 2 decades I am a mess it affects my life I am so sad everyday I have tried everything I spoiled her I know I did I tried forcing her to tell me why she behaves this way. The way she looks at me. She is my only child I pray so much. I don’t understand I have tried talking she doesn’t say anything. She was always upset w my close relationship w my siblings.. but we are not that close anymore because i sometimes stay away to please my child. I don’t know what to do…. I’m going to let her live her life I don’t know what to do if I don’t call her she won’t call me it can be two weeks she just doesn’t care

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Stay in therapy. Consider dating.

I'm an only child to a single Mom. She never dated, didn't have any friends besides her sisters and me. It burdened me that my Mom treated me like a spouse and lived vicariously through me.

Yes, please let your daughter lead her life and you live yours. BTW, she is already leading her life -- she doesn't need your permission to do that. What she's doing with you is defending a boundary. That's why she's not calling you. Stop clinging to her. You're the one that needs to move on.

I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart.
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MargaretMcKen Jul 23, 2024
Something tells me that you haven't had the truly horrible experience of being rejected by your child. It's not the same as 'a boundary'.
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You say “I never abused her physically”. You then go on to say you screamed at her constantly and that she was afraid to leave her room for 12 days…

So you were a verbally abusive parent. I’m not surprised she wants nothing to do with you.

You’re getting exactly what you deserve.

This is the type of entitled elder that is going to expect/demand hands-on care from the child they abused in their old age. I hope your daughter is smart enough to stay far away.
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BurntCaregiver Jul 23, 2024
Amen to that, Zippy.
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Are you one of those people who think that only physical abuse counts as abuse?

I grew up in a house where my mother was constantly screaming.... at her mother, me, life....the atmosphere was so thick, you could cut it with a knife. I grew to dislike my mother as a result of my wretched childhood, and all she'd put me thru. In fact, I used to beg her to beat me up to get the mental torture OVER WITH. I was an only child too.

Until her dying day, my mother thought she was a Great Mother and that I was The Bad Guy. She never once in her life pointed her finger INWARD to ask HERSELF why all "that frustration" she felt as a parent ruined MY life.
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If you were hoping your child/children would care for you in your old age it's about time you accepted the reality that it will never happen and make alternate plans, there are many of us who never had children or who have lost their children and we make plans accordingly. In my opinion even those with close ties should not be relying on their children to provide care, that would be an unexpected gift and should never be an obligation.
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This is a forum for caregivers. You don’t ask any questions pertaining to caregiving so I’m not sure what you’re looking for here. From reading your post, I would suggest that you go back to therapy where you might get the help you seek.
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It is a bit difficult to understand your question without any punctuation.
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I'm going to make this one short statement that changed me a long time ago

"It's not are childrens job to love us, it's are job to love them"

This is so true, it's not there job to take care of us when we age , it's still are job no matter what age to take care of are selves. It's are job to make sure we have what we need when we age. With that being said we don't support them and give them money after a certain age, because we need to save it for are retirement to not expect them to take care of us.

I have 4 boys, I don't see the older ones much the younger ones more. But they are living there best life and I am so proud and happy for them. They are truly amazing boys. I'm letting them live there life, without feeling like they have to spend a certain amount of time with me.

Be proud of the life your daughter is building for herself, don't give her money, build your own life not around your daughter

Best of luck.
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Grandma1954 Jul 23, 2024
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You should go to therapy without your daughter. Work on yourself.
If she does not want you in her life, that is her choice to make. You say it came on suddenly but also that it has been going on for 2 decades. 20 years!? The rant of your post gives a little insight into what she may experience..
My father would have said the same things about me, never physically abused me(true, the abuse was never physical) and that he spoiled me (definitely not true)
Move on and focus on your life. Find a way to be healthy mentally and physically and maybe in time, your daughter will choose to seek a relationship on her terms. And yes, let her live her life! You can too!! Spending time wishing for someone else to feel differently is wasting precious time that you could be using to find your own happiness
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You don't see how your screaming affected your child. I don't think this was one incident but ongoing behavior on your part.

Leave your daughter alone and let her live her life and you live yours. Continue with the therapy to get to the root cause of your behaviors and the expectations you have of your daughter.
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"this came out of nowhere when I stop giving her money"

Giving her money was probably the only reason she allowed a relationship. No money no relationship. One thing I was told in family therapy is you have to acknowlege the other persons feelings. No "that is not how it happened". The child saw it a different way and you need to apologize even if you don't agree with it. If your going to fix this relationship you need to admit your at fault. This relationship is going to take a while to heal. You can't come across needy. You both will need to set boundaries. You do not jump everytime she wants something from you. Same with her, she does not jump either. I told my daughter long ago, I have no problem taking care of her boys but if I have made plans, they become before babysitting, By trying to please your child, you have no life. Get back in touch with your siblings and friends. Your daughter should not be the center of your world and you should not expect to be the center of hers. And don't make plans for your old age thinking daughter will be your Caregiver. Plan ahead.
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