We went to THERAPHY once because she didn’t want to go again she remembers me screaming at her and her being afraid to leave the room she was 12 days I never abused her physically I don’t understand yes I was frustrated like any parent I tried time out etc I am really sad because this came out of nowhere when I stop giving her money she is 34 and married I feel that she doesn’t like me it’s been going on for 2 decades I am a mess it affects my life I am so sad everyday I have tried everything I spoiled her I know I did I tried forcing her to tell me why she behaves this way. The way she looks at me. She is my only child I pray so much. I don’t understand I have tried talking she doesn’t say anything. She was always upset w my close relationship w my siblings.. but we are not that close anymore because i sometimes stay away to please my child. I don’t know what to do…. I’m going to let her live her life I don’t know what to do if I don’t call her she won’t call me it can be two weeks she just doesn’t care
1) This is not really something for this site, which is for careGIVERS. But still…
2) There is a good book (the name of which I’ve forgotten), plus stuff if you Google the issue. And try the library.
3) My experience (and one from the book) was an adult child who had a different personality but then found a partner who suited her. My new SIL had a very high idea of his own worth, but my own husband and I seemed to ‘do better’. She ‘changed allegiance’ to SIL, and that involved rejecting me and mine.
4) After 8 years, we are back on speaking terms BUT ...she is still ‘different’ and SIL has become more realistic about himself.
5) Good luck! What I’ve read and found is that it takes time for lives to change, you don’t talk them out of it.
I'm an only child to a single Mom. She never dated, didn't have any friends besides her sisters and me. It burdened me that my Mom treated me like a spouse and lived vicariously through me.
Yes, please let your daughter lead her life and you live yours. BTW, she is already leading her life -- she doesn't need your permission to do that. What she's doing with you is defending a boundary. That's why she's not calling you. Stop clinging to her. You're the one that needs to move on.
I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart.
If she does not want you in her life, that is her choice to make. You say it came on suddenly but also that it has been going on for 2 decades. 20 years!? The rant of your post gives a little insight into what she may experience..
My father would have said the same things about me, never physically abused me(true, the abuse was never physical) and that he spoiled me (definitely not true)
Move on and focus on your life. Find a way to be healthy mentally and physically and maybe in time, your daughter will choose to seek a relationship on her terms. And yes, let her live her life! You can too!! Spending time wishing for someone else to feel differently is wasting precious time that you could be using to find your own happiness
"It's not are childrens job to love us, it's are job to love them"
This is so true, it's not there job to take care of us when we age , it's still are job no matter what age to take care of are selves. It's are job to make sure we have what we need when we age. With that being said we don't support them and give them money after a certain age, because we need to save it for are retirement to not expect them to take care of us.
I have 4 boys, I don't see the older ones much the younger ones more. But they are living there best life and I am so proud and happy for them. They are truly amazing boys. I'm letting them live there life, without feeling like they have to spend a certain amount of time with me.
Be proud of the life your daughter is building for herself, don't give her money, build your own life not around your daughter
Best of luck.
You are causing yourself WAY too much stress and grief over something you have absolutely no control over. The only person you can control is yourself. Period. End of sentence.
So quit being so dependent on your daughter for your happiness in this life, and get out there and start finding things that you enjoy doing. Like going to lunch with friends, going to church, volunteering at the multitude of places needing volunteers, or getting a job.
God did not give us this ONE life to spend it being miserable, but He gave it to us to enjoy and to be the hands and feet of His Son Jesus.
So get out there and start acting like you're one of God's children instead of moping around every day and wasting your God given gift of life.
Oh and P.S......quit trying to buy your daughters love by giving her money. How's that working for you?
So you were a verbally abusive parent. I’m not surprised she wants nothing to do with you.
You’re getting exactly what you deserve.
This is the type of entitled elder that is going to expect/demand hands-on care from the child they abused in their old age. I hope your daughter is smart enough to stay far away.
Leave your daughter alone and let her live her life and you live yours. Continue with the therapy to get to the root cause of your behaviors and the expectations you have of your daughter.
I grew up in a house where my mother was constantly screaming.... at her mother, me, life....the atmosphere was so thick, you could cut it with a knife. I grew to dislike my mother as a result of my wretched childhood, and all she'd put me thru. In fact, I used to beg her to beat me up to get the mental torture OVER WITH. I was an only child too.
Until her dying day, my mother thought she was a Great Mother and that I was The Bad Guy. She never once in her life pointed her finger INWARD to ask HERSELF why all "that frustration" she felt as a parent ruined MY life.
You say your child treats you like crap? You should be grateful she even still speaks to you, abuser. You will not get any support or sympathy here. This is a forum for caregivers. Since you are not one, there's no reason for you to be here. I sincerely hope you are not expecting your child to be your caregiver now.
Believe me lady, you did not "spoil" your kid either. You abused your kid then bought her things to justify your abuse or to show off to others that you're a good parent. You are not.
I come from an abusive home myself and have a mother who expects me to take care of her in her old age like she was a loving and supportive mom who did everything for her kids. I don't and never will.
Instead of crying to a therapist about how terrible your daughter treats you, why don't you actually take some responsibility for yourself and your own actions and try making some true amends to your daughter. You are the abuser here, not her. YOU. Your closeness with your family is not the reason why your daughter has such contempt for you. YOU are the reason why.
Instead of abusively gaslighting your daughter and forcing her to tell you why she behaves as she does to you or trying to force her to talk why don't you try LISTENING instead.
Let your daughter talk and you shut up and really listen. I think if you're honest with yourself you'll learn a lot. Then maybe you can build a relationship with your daughter.
You by a card that says something like thinking of you
You tell your daughter, you love her,
You tell her you how proud of her you are,
You are sorry for the mistakes you made when she was growing up. ( You put no buts....after, no excuses)
You tell her you are going to therapy to make yourself a better person, and hope she will choose to have a relationship with you in the future.
You don't ask her for one now, you get yourself help first.
You do not give her money, because that's buying your love.
You don't say, I didn't raise you this way, or after all I did for you. None of that bs.
The letter is not about you a bit , this letter is an apology to her, and hopes that when you get better brain health that you can have a relationship.
Best of luck. Also I do believe she cares, but she needs a health mom
Just imagine a child being so petrified of her mother that she wouldn't leave her bedroom for 12 whole days. That in itself speaks volumes. But you went right over that and onto how this is affecting YOU. And that's just what you heard from one therapy session with her...just imagine if there were more sessions what would have surfaced. So, obviously your daughter was afraid of you - afraid of your actions - and sounded traumatized from that one ordeal....and there's usually a build-up.
The rest of your post sounded as if you're seeing yourself as a "victim." Ugh. You're not a victim - but it would be wise for you to take yourself out of yourself and look inward - you need to have some accountability about how you really were as a mother and how you treated her - because these memories linger for a child, and actually she owes you nothing as an adult.
For now, you actually should do as you stated - "let her live her own life" - remain close to your siblings rather than expect your daughter to take care of you later in life.
If you'd ever want a relationship with your daughter later, you need to take some ownership on your own actions - it'd be productive to talk it thru with a therapist...and showing some remorse for your actions to your daughter may be a start. But all that is in time - for now, you should just focus on yourself.
My MIL treated my Dh and his OB with screams, threats, anger & at times, beatings.
They were NOT the little "sh&ts" she always told them they were. It was not THEIR faults that they were born to her and hence, ruined her life.
My DH is 72 and STILL dealing with emotional security issues. OB became a psychologist to figure out why his mother was so vile.
They both stepped up last year to take care of her as she was dying. No amazing EOL closure or loving moments in that year. Maybe some insight, but she died and they are still confused and angry at times. My heart aches for my DH who will sometimes just be so down on himself.
People tend to be dismissive of verbal & mental abuse, but it leaves its marks as much as a belt whipping. Sometimes, worse, b/c you can HEAL from a belt buckle cutting into your back. Verbal abuse? IDK, in some ways, it's worse.
You do need to let her live her life and accept that there may very likely be no 'closure' or forgiveness from your daughter.
Giving her money was probably the only reason she allowed a relationship. No money no relationship. One thing I was told in family therapy is you have to acknowlege the other persons feelings. No "that is not how it happened". The child saw it a different way and you need to apologize even if you don't agree with it. If your going to fix this relationship you need to admit your at fault. This relationship is going to take a while to heal. You can't come across needy. You both will need to set boundaries. You do not jump everytime she wants something from you. Same with her, she does not jump either. I told my daughter long ago, I have no problem taking care of her boys but if I have made plans, they become before babysitting, By trying to please your child, you have no life. Get back in touch with your siblings and friends. Your daughter should not be the center of your world and you should not expect to be the center of hers. And don't make plans for your old age thinking daughter will be your Caregiver. Plan ahead.