My husband and I have been with my 90 year old parents since before Thanksgiving. It is now January 2nd. My husband had to go home to work in another state. My mom got a respiratory infection and was sent to the hospital due to fluid in her extremities and low oxygen. She’s now on oxygen. I stayed behind to care for her and help out my Dad. I thought that she would get better in a few weeks. It’s not the oxygen problem that she can’t deal with when I leave, it’s that she can’t reach back to wipe her rear because she’s too heavy in her stomach. Granted she’s sitting on a high toilet seat with grab bars, but even before we got that, she didn’t want to wipe herself. Then she wants me to bring her a bed pan into the kitchen while my Dad was cooking in the kitchen, also outside on the common area balcony in front of her door, in the living room - to urinate instead of walking to the bathroom. My Dad said she gets out of bed on her own, wipes herself upfront and gets back into bed by herself. When my wonderful husband told her Mom you need to start trying to become independent again like you were, she went crazy on him and told me go home to your husband. He is the most compassionate person in the world. My mom said to him I want to thank you for you giving up your wife - what does this mean? For how long does she think I’m going to stay around just to wipe her? She said I would never have your father to that. I don’t like to use my father’s car so I’m trapped. I also brought my puppy who needs exercise. She told me don’t be long walking him. Also, she’s supposed to be losing weight and she’s eating cookies, etc. So why do I have to wipe her if she can’t reach back because she’s heavy and she’s not helping herself? My husband and I are in our 60’s and about to retire and she won’t even walk to help herself! It’s so unfair! I bought her a tool to help her reach back and she doesn’t want to try it. If she can’t wipe herself now, I can’t just live with her to just stay around to wipe her. So sorry everyone! PS I had breast cancer and need to go to my doctors too.
There isn’t anything that you can do about her anger. I am sorry that she doesn’t understand your frustration. Your mom is so caught up in her own world that she is blind to your needs.
It’s understandable that you are frustrated. She needs someone to help her, so she is frustrated too. She doesn’t want your father to help.
She has to find another solution to her problems. Can you speak with your dad about alternatives for her? Than explain to your mom what options are available for her.
Go ahead and vent here. We are here to listen and help out with suggestions.
Have you contacted Council on Aging in her area? They will assess your mom’s needs. They will discuss options regarding her care.
I’m glad that you have decided to be your mom’s daughter again and leave the caregiving to someone else. Hopefully, your mom will choose trained professionals to care for her needs.
Best wishes to you and your family.
She requires help with toileting.
You have given her a solution--a tool to use. She rejects it.
Her preferred solution is for you to become her personal attendant.
You have as much right to say "no, I can't possibly do that, Mom" as she has to reject the tool.
Mom is going to be angry, I guess.
So? What do mom and dad propose to do?
It's THEIR problem. You can help arrange a solution (bidet, personal care worker, move to Assisted Living) without becoming the solution.
We never took a vacation without them! We visit them for weeks at a time because they live far from us. We talk on the phone everyday and we love them dearly. One lousy mishap, according to my mom, and we're the most horrible, selfish people! What?
Getting old is hard--if you are in your 60s (as am I, for a few more months) you know that!
It sounds like your mom thought that YOU were her health care plan for her old age. It's time to tell her (gently) that you, too are a senior citizen and that there needs to be an alternative solution.
It also sounds like your mom is scared. Sometimes fear gets expressed as anger.
Was she given the option of going to rehab after her hospitalization? It sounds like she needs rehab services, either at home or in a facility so that she CAN become more independent.
It also sounds like her thinking is not clear. Is she beginning to show some signs of cognitive decline?
You may be in your sixties but you are NOT old! You always inspire me with your progressive attitude. You are young at heart, but you have wisdom from your experiences from your caregiver days. Great combination!
I am right behind you. I am 67!
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/parents-wanted-to-sell-their-house-and-move-in-191850.htm?orderby=recent
These options are from a lady in her 70s. Despite being active, engaged & full of life she was realistic about her situation - being shorter & rounder was making it hard to 'reach to wipe'. She came up with;
Do it herself, however she could, using either a long handled aid (ie sponge on a stick) or consider a bidet.
If that failed, accept help was next. By implimenting a routine & hire a morning aide. Nursing home was last on her list.
She said it was her bum so her problem to solve.
Which is exactly what I told someone else who had mentally illness & *you do it* dependant behaviour. Her bottom. Her problem.
It sounds as though you and your husband have been a bit too ‘good’ for a long time. “We never took a vacation without them! We visit them for weeks at a time because they live far from us. We talk on the phone everyday and we love them dearly”. Have you ever said No? Do they expect that you will always do everything they need? There is a good book called Boundaries, which might be a good thing to read. Starting this when they are over 90 is a bit hard, but it’s never too late to stand up for your selves. Courage!
1 min ago
SEE MY QUESTION and REPLIES REGARDING 70th WEDDING ANNIVERSARY - all of my life has been dedicated to my parents. It’s not that I just started being with them.
By the way, my husband, puppy and I drove down to Florida for their 70th wedding anniversary and surprised them! We found a way! Now there’s another problem-I have been here for 7 weeks just to wipe her rear since she became ill and she doesn’t want me to leave! Now tell me what to do!?
Mom is 90, has had a very recent illness - I imagine still very fatigued. Nurses would have assisted in hospital - sometimes patients then grow quite dependant. In addition, low oxygen messes with thinking.
Visiting therapy services at home could help - for PT exercises, esp lung & OT for fatigue management & toileting aides.
Maybe in hindsight, a stay in in-patient rehab was needed.
Maximus, can you attend & ensure the hygiene issue (the wiping problem) is fully explained?
You pay their mortgage. Below you said they've gone on every vacation with you. So it is no surprise they see you and your husband as their retirement and care plan. Have you heard of "co-dependent relationships"? If not, maybe it's time you had a session or 2 with a therapist so that you can see and protect your personal boundaries (and those of your husband as well).
I agree with others who recommended a bidet. I also agree with others who pointed out that your Father should be her primary caregiver -- if he can, at 90. But they are both losing ground to aging and health. You just got a small taste of what is to come. This is unfair to your long-suffering husband. HE is your priority, not your parents.
Think long and hard about continuing to stretch yourself financially by paying for their mortgage (hopefully the house is in your name? If not...why not?) Have a scripted talk with your parents about the boundaries of your caregiving efforts. Tell them you'll help them simplify their lives so it is easier for everyone. This may mean they hire (not you hire) day aids/companions to assist them.
Your Mom will get mad because you are about to shatter her assumption about who is going to pander to her in her decline and be her Wiper. It shouldn't be you. It can't be you. Defend your marrriage and husband. With no kids, you will certainly need all possible assets to support your own aging decline. No one can be assumed into caregiving. You have to agree to it and know the terms. That hasn't happend in your case but it's not too late to reframe the future. It will be hard before it gets better. If you know this going in, you can hang on to this hope. Good luck!
The mother will not use a bidet attachment on the toilet. She refuses to even use the toilet. She insists on a bedpan being brought into the kitchen instead. She wants her daughter there cleaning up her crap and wiping her a$$ and will not consider any alternative plan.
Unless she is forced to.
My mother pulled a similar action for a little while. She was refusing to use the flushing toilet. She'd walk right past the bathroom in favor of using the portable commode that's for emergencies only.
I told her I refused to empty it again. She kept crapping and peeing in it until it there was no more space to go in it. I would not empty it. I put the lid on it and left it there for a week. She used the bathroom every time. On the eighth day I told her I would clean it and if she used it again and it's not an emergency, I'd throw it away.
She uses it usually no more than once or twice to pee every couple of days.
This was two years ago.
The OP's mother will start accepting outside help and trying whatever assistance devices made available to her when her daughter and husband stop catering to her. She knows a nursing home is a real possibility right the around the corner if she doesn't get over her stubborness and abusive neediness.
The OP and husband need to force her to get over it.
"...we told her she should go to the Rehab facility for a few weeks and she will heal and learn - she screamed crying. We said it’s not a nursing home - she said NO..."
You need to set better boundaries with your parents.
1. They need to live somewhere they can afford, not where you pay the mortgage.
2. They need to stop giving your abusive brother money. He needs to be turned in to law enforcement for elder abuse.
3. Leave. Call Adult Protective Services in their community and report them as vulnerable elders.
If you're asking about Bridget66, then the answer to your question is absolutely nothing.
There is nothing wrong with her and her responses are spot on 100%
Amen to that. You're the star if this thread for sure and are giving the best advice that can be given.
Maybe the mother is not ready for a care facility yet. Homecare may be the perfect solution for her. If she and her husband need to move to a senior apartment with a cheaper rent to be able to afford homecare, that could very well be a realistic option.
Many people in this life get elderly and have never learned the valuable lesson that what they NEED is often very different than what they WANT. I learned this lesson very early on in life and am glad of it. People who learn this know how to adapt.
Human beings like we are now (homo sapien) learned how to adapt to their changing environment. That is why they survived to become us. Refusing to adapt is why all the other forms of primitive man were selected by nature for extinction.
Like primitive man, many of our beloved seniors also refuse to adapt. We call it "stubborness". So families will ruin their own lives and families the way the OP is trying to give them what they WANT instead of that they NEED.
The OP and others caught in such a situation NEED to walk away and go back to their own lives. Maybe make a call to APS to get the stubborn senior on their radar. Then go.
Neanderthal only ate meat. When meat became scarce the ones who refused to also eat plant foods, died off. Adapt.
The OP's mother refuses to adapt to anything. Won't stop stuffing herself with cookies and getting bigger which makes her situation even worse. Won't "allow" her husband or anyone but her daughter to assist with her toileting needs. She refuses to even try out the wiping device her daughter bought for her. She's going to have a very hard time because her daughter needs to go home today.
I will always tell a senior that nothing will get them a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn.
just say no….
Your mother says she would never have your father wipe her? Remind her that you are not the one who made a vow to her in sickness and in health. He is.
It really angers me when an entitled elder refuses to have anyone but a person of their choosing wipe their a$$, or change their diapers, or let in their house to help them. It makes me even angrier when I hear one proclaim that someone "can't" clean their crap or help them wash.
Here's the alternative, she stays in her own mess. She doesn't get washed up. The house doesn't get cleaned and the laundry doesn't get done.
You're not trapped. OnWhen your mother gets tired of smelling like sh*t and having an irritated backside, she will try the tool you bought her to help her wipe. Or she'll ask her husband for help. Or she'll start being more open-minded to allowing homecare aides to assist them both in the home.
My dear, you go home today. Cleaning can is not your life. GO HOME! Everything will be fine.
You Dad is going to have to wipe your Mom. You may want to have a discussion with him that they need some help. That maybe its time for an AL? That your #1 responsibility is to your husband. As Dads #1 responsibility is to his wife.
Sometimes, in-law's words and methods may not work well, the motivation could be viewed negatively.
Neither are we responsible for other people's happiness.
Its too late to do anything else but continue devoting your life to a mentally unstable mother until she dies. Had you truly wanted help, you'd have gotten it long before you spent your savings on their mortgage or dragged your husband along to care for people who could have and should have been caring for themselves or paying for care in Assisted Living.
This level of enmeshed behavior is too much to be fixed, imo. It's too deep and ongoing for WAYYYY too long now.
Good luck to you and your poor dh and puppy.
But, op, the holidays are over. Your husband has returned to work, and you need to go home to your man and your life.
Yes, you need to go home. Just go.
AND YES, you need to get professional help. You need to find a Mental Health Counselor or Social Worker in your area who you can meet with weekly.
1 min ago
Edit
ANOTHER GUILT RANT FROM ME: WE WERE ALWAYS WITH MY PARENTS - EVERY WEEKEND, EVERY HOLIDAY EVERY TRIP, EVERY SICKNESS. WE CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH! I HAD BREAST CANCER - ONLY 3 YEARS IN REMISSION -I’M IN PAIN FROM MEDS AND HAVE EXTREME MENOPAUSE SYMPTOMS FROM THEM. I HAVE NEVER COMPLAINED AND ASKED FOR HELP. I’M ALSO SICK FROM A RESPIRATORY INFECTION AND SLEEPING ON A PULLOUT BED FOR 7 WEEKS. THERE IS NO DRAWER SPACE FOR MY CLOTHES BECAUSE THEY THREW OUT THE STORAGE BASKETS THEY WERE IN. I ALSO HAVE PTSD FROM AN ABUSIVE BROTHER. READ MY OTHER POSTS. I MISS MY HOME AND MY HUSBAND SO MUCH. I’M SO BORED TOO! MY MOM SAYS DON’T BE LONG WALKING MY PUPPY. SHE JUST BLAMED MY PUPPY FOR BARKING AT HER THERAPIST, BUT HER OWN DOG STARTED THE BARKING. SHE WANTS ME TO STAY HERE FOR EMOTIONAL SUPPORT FOR MY DAD TOO. MY HUSBAND WHO SHE ADORES GOT IN TROUBLE FOR SAYING THAT YIOU HAVE TO START DOING THINGS FOR YOURSELF SO YOU CAN BE INDEPENDENT AGAIN. SHE REPLIED I’M SICK AND YOU'RE GOING ON AND ON. SHE TOLD ME TO GO HOME TO YOUR HUSBAND. SHE WOULD NEVER LEAVE HER HUSBAND, BUT SHE DID LEAVE HER MOTHER AND MOVED TO A DIFFERENT COUNTRY. THAT WAS OK FOR HER. I SUPPORTED THEM AND LEFT MY NEW HUSBAND FOR WEEKS AT A TIME TO TRAVEL CROSS COUNTRY FINDING HOUSES FOR MY BROTHER TO LIVE IN. I THINK I DO NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP. I JUST WANT TO GO HOME! P.S. MY DAD WAS AN AIRLINE PILOT FOR 30 YEARS. THEY TRAVELED SO MUCH AND DID WHAT THEY HAD TO DO. SHE LEFT HER MOTHER. MY HUSBAND AND I NEVER LEFT THEM ALONE WHEN WE TRAVELED. WE WANT OUR LIFE BACK! WE ARE IN OUR 60’s WITH NO KIDS AND WANT TO START TRAVELING AGAIN. THEY DID WHAT THEY HAD TO DO AT OUR AGE. MY DAD IS 95 AND IN EXCELLENT CONDITION. HE CAN CARE FOR MY MOM. THE ONLY REASON SHE WANTS ME TO STAY IS SO I CAN HELP WIPE HER! WE JUST DON’T WANT TO BE TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF!
Its not worth making yourself sick over your selfish, elderly parents.
This is a sick relationship you have with them. There's closeness but this is over and beyond that. It's ridiculous.
And yes you are being taken advantage of.