My husband and I have been with my 90 year old parents since before Thanksgiving. It is now January 2nd. My husband had to go home to work in another state. My mom got a respiratory infection and was sent to the hospital due to fluid in her extremities and low oxygen. She’s now on oxygen. I stayed behind to care for her and help out my Dad. I thought that she would get better in a few weeks. It’s not the oxygen problem that she can’t deal with when I leave, it’s that she can’t reach back to wipe her rear because she’s too heavy in her stomach. Granted she’s sitting on a high toilet seat with grab bars, but even before we got that, she didn’t want to wipe herself. Then she wants me to bring her a bed pan into the kitchen while my Dad was cooking in the kitchen, also outside on the common area balcony in front of her door, in the living room - to urinate instead of walking to the bathroom. My Dad said she gets out of bed on her own, wipes herself upfront and gets back into bed by herself. When my wonderful husband told her Mom you need to start trying to become independent again like you were, she went crazy on him and told me go home to your husband. He is the most compassionate person in the world. My mom said to him I want to thank you for you giving up your wife - what does this mean? For how long does she think I’m going to stay around just to wipe her? She said I would never have your father to that. I don’t like to use my father’s car so I’m trapped. I also brought my puppy who needs exercise. She told me don’t be long walking him. Also, she’s supposed to be losing weight and she’s eating cookies, etc. So why do I have to wipe her if she can’t reach back because she’s heavy and she’s not helping herself? My husband and I are in our 60’s and about to retire and she won’t even walk to help herself! It’s so unfair! I bought her a tool to help her reach back and she doesn’t want to try it. If she can’t wipe herself now, I can’t just live with her to just stay around to wipe her. So sorry everyone! PS I had breast cancer and need to go to my doctors too.
1. You don't HAVE to do anything for your parents.
They can tell you that you HAVE to do stuff till the cows come home and it doesn't make it true.
You ARE allowed to say "no" to your parents.
2. You are allowed to hang up if your mother starts screaming at you, or tries to guilt you.
3. Your parents are adults who are responsible ONLY for themselves. THEIR funds should be paying for their housing and care. Not yours.
That's how "normal" families operate.
I realized when I was quite young that my sister and mother didn't see me as I saw myself. I felt in many ways they didn't know me. For sure I struggled with low self esteem at times which was due to feedback from my mother and sister but the more I distanced myself from them, the healthier and stronger I got. But at least they were pretty consistent
The yoyo feedback you get is like torture which breaks you down and is designed to keep you where your mother can control you. For your mental and physical health you need to get away from it.
Why does she do it? I believe that your mum has a disorder of some kind. Normal people do not behave as she does. Theories range from nurture (parenting and environment when young), to nature -genetics and/or neurobiology. Or, I suppose, some combination of these.
In our family it appears to me to clearly be genetics as this personality crops up in my mother's family - usually women, very bright academically, and very hard to get along with. They can have siblings who are entirely normal. My aunts and uncles were lovely people, Mother apparently, was difficult from birth. My sister has a version of it and my daughter and granddaughter. I have been assessed as normal, in that regard anyway! 😉
So, yes, it is confusing. I wondered "why" they did this or that for a while as I was growing up, but finally decided it didn't matter why. So much was wrong, it was bad for me, and I needed to look after myself.
I hope you are getting there. (((((((hugs))))))
" My husband and I know the real reason my parents are clingy and are desperate for family, they lost their son and..."
I lost my youngest son. When I say lost, I mean he died from an assault when he was 23. I know a number of mums who have lost adult children. None of us became clingy to our remaining children. or desperate for family.
My family was very dysfunctional - alcoholic father, Borderline Personality Disorder narcissistic mother and narcissistic some kind of disorder sister. That did not make me cling to my children. They live their own independent lives. We enjoy one another's company when we get together by mutual choice. We have rubbed some rough corners off of one another, certainly, and we have all grown in the process.
I agree they are insecure, even jealous, which is a characteristic of narcissistic people. I don't believe anything you can do will make them feel secure. It hasn't happen yet after all the time and effort you have given them. Security comes from within
They need you around to prop them up, to be their servant child. It's about control.
Isn’t it interesting how some people can overcome the worst of circumstances? It doesn’t matter how many detours they had to take they found a way to reach their goals.
Others for whatever reasons seem to blame everyone else and get lost in their misery. They expect everyone else to ‘fix’ or be responsible for their lives.
No one had a perfect life. Even fairy tales have villains.
You know that you don’t ever have to accept any blame. You are not guilty of anything.
Some mothers stick the knife in and give it a hard twist. Of course. it hurts. Some of us became immune to it after awhile. I hope that you will become immune too and can be free to live your life as you see fit without any regrets.
Let your parents know that it’s your turn to take care of yourself. They will have to figure out a way to take care of themselves.
Just read your post about your brother.
It is devastating for your parents to go through such pain. It’s awful.
My parents went through tremendous pain with my brother. It affects the entire family. It’s hard on everyone.
You are not responsible for what he did. Nothing can take their pain away. I am so sorry this happened in your family.
You can’t replace what they loss. You shouldn’t have to overcompensate because they lost your brother.
They are entitled to grieve. It’s a terrible loss. Still, they don’t get to expect more from you.
Take care of your oncology appointments first, of course, but start the process to find a psychiatrist/therapist to start the conversation about setting boundaries with your parents.
Your oncologist probably has some good resources, so you might start there.
Like many parents, yours see their children as a reflection on their skills, virtues and hard work. Having a child with psychiatric issues, especially a son, in their community is SUCH a badge of shame.
It shouldn't be. It sounds like there is a lot of genetic loading for mental illness in your family and your brother was the unfortunate recipient of thoses genes; the stress of expectations of perfection can make that sort of thing worse, not better.
I feel for your brother and for your parents. But their tragedy does NOT equate to you becoming their slave. Keep that in mind as you deal with them.
Please don't start sabotaging yourself now and working out a crisis to happen so you will return to your parents'.
You've taken a big step to end your caregiving martyrdom by leaving and going back to your home.
Don't undo all this progress by allowing yourself to indulge in second-guessing and "what if" scenarios.
No contact with your parents for a couple of weeks is what's called for now.
Even a small amount of guilt-tripping from your mother will have you right back wiping her a$$ and kissing it.
Listen to the good advice everyone here is telling you and go no contact for a bit.
I think that a trip is a fabulous idea! Go and have fun. Focus on your interests.
It doesn’t matter what your parents expect from you. You have a right to live life the way you desire. They don’t have to be included in every aspect of your life.
I know all about the 'what ifs' and it too ruled my life for a long time. Like you it also comes from a long history of childhood anxiety. Also trauma and abuse in my case too.
I once read a quote by a brilliant Irish poet, William Butler Yeats.
"Life is a long preparation for something that never happens".
That was spot on. I got over the 'what if' mentality because of my second husband and his family.
His grandfather lost his whole family. He came from a big family too. Yet he was the most positive, encouraging, and hopeful person I ever knew. This guy loved life and did not worry about 'what ifs'.
I think the 'what ifs' that kept people like you and I up at night would seem like nonsense to someone who lost and survived what that man did. So I try to think like him.
He lived to be super old. Never complained about anything and was never nasty or hurtful to my FIL (his son) when he got moved to AL. He was the favorite of all the staff over there and the life of the party.
I'm sure he had plenty of grief. How could he not? He never spread the pain and misery around though. He was never all about the gloom and doom so many elderly people are on about every minute of the day.
When you see your oncologist tell him/her that you are under a lot of stress dealing with your parents. That your afraid this stress will cause problems concerning your cancer. Ask if he/she knows of a good therapist that can help you work thru the problem with parents and the trama with your brother.
My sister had an aggressive form of breast cancer. She was told it was probably brought on by stress of her job, eating habits and being very obese. So you need to take care of you. And its sad that your parents don't see this.
I have said this before, my in-laws moved to Fla because thats what my MIL wanted. My FIL died 3 yrs later. She constantly at us to move down there. My husband never said yes or no. His Mom was passive-aggressive. You know what my husbands attitude was, she chose to move there. She chose to stay there after his Dad died. She did not want to move near any of her kids. She wanted to stay in Fla. She wanted her kids to come to her. Wasn't happening. We all had our own lives and families.
I think you need to take some time for you and hubby. Maybe not posting to AG for a while. You need to tell Mom and Dad you need time to get back to your normal so you will call them after you decompress. And to please honor that request. You need to maybe go to a room and be alone with your thoughts. Let go of the stress. Let husband be the bad guy. When one of ur parents call, he picks up the phone and tells them you will call after u decompress. That you need time with just yourself. They need to know that they cause anxiety and stress in your life. That things need to be on your terms, not theirs.
Take a deep breath. Go for a walk, exercise is good for u. DH and you go do something together even if its just walking the Mall.
What I think you need to learn, and therapy may help, is what to say to Mom in certain circumstances.
Thanks for caring. Hugs to EVERYONE on this forum! Max
It’s fine to post. There are lots of ongoing posts like the thread that Barb posted to you about. Dorker’s thread.
You can post if you need to. We are here for you. Transitional times are hard.
Do whatever is best for you.
I love your adventurous spirit. Continue to travel!
What travel plans do you have? I would love to hear about your upcoming adventures. Are you planning to return to places that you love or are you going to explore new places?
It’s cool that you were able to travel the world as a kid. We went to the same place for vacation when I was a kid. Daddy grew up in Florida, and he loved Florida so we went to the beach every summer. I loved it but didn’t go anywhere else until I was on my own.
New Orleans is flat, so the first time that I went backpacking in the mountains it was such a thrill for me.
A travel blog would be fun!
The fact that you love your parents does not equate to sitting still while mom verbally abuses or manipulates you.
Your mom doesn't need to get told/hear/ or acceptANYTHING you say. She will be angry.
Big deal.
If she needs care, she needs to find that care from someone else. It's just NOT your job.
She won't accept that. She won't be happy.
Again, you can't fix that. Her feelings are her own.
Best of all things to you.
Send her cute photos of him. I have two grown daughters but no grandchildren.
Well, my oldest daughter has cats and I get the most adorable photos sent to me. They are the sweetest kitties.
My youngest daughter has a beautiful Siberian husky. I can’t tell you how many photos I have of this dog! I fell in love with him. He is a wonderful dog!
I love receiving the photos on my iPhone. Hey, if mom doesn’t have a smartphone, print out a few pictures and send. Maybe frame a really cute photo of Romeo.
If you feel that this is a manipulation tactic and it probably is. I would still say, “Mom, Romeo is so cute. I just love him so much. He brings me so much joy! I’ll send photos so you can see for yourself.” The say, “Gotta run…Talk later!” Then hang up the phone!
Why get mad? Not worth it! Life is too short to get upset over her wanting only what she wants. You deserve a life too!
"Somebody help me"?
Have you found a therapist?
Have you practised saying "no, Mom, I'm not coming until my oncologist gives the all clear; and when I DO come back, it will be for a week's stay at a hotel near you, not in your condo."
Start there.
Op, your mom is not going to "relax" or stop asking when you're coming back the moment you get home. This is the cycle, do you not recognize it?? Have you formulated no answers to those questions? Or try telling her the truth, like Barb suggested. You're way too available to mom to begin with! Try leaving the phone off the hook or turned OFF for a few days. Mom can scream bloody murder and you won't know it. Ignorance is bliss.
You say "someone help me!"
YOU try taking the FIRST step to breaking this dysfunctional cycle by not taking her calls for a few days. Can you do it? Or does mom remain in charge of your life forever?
Try not to take her requests so seriously. She is using your new pup to manipulate you.
I can’t even imagine doing this to my daughter. She would have laughed at me if I tried this foolishness.
She can see the dog from a picture like I saw my daughter’s dog when she lived in Colorado.
There was another poster on another thread talking about how our therapists helped us.
I absolutely loved what her therapist said to her, “Don’t let the sharks see you bleed!” Great advice!
Do not let her see that she has power over you! Don’t give her any more ammunition!
Your mom can barely wipe herself and your dad can barely assist her with his health problems. I would continue assisting with the mortgage only as long as that comes with home care and cameras that answer to you. It’s that, or they can’t live there anymore. It’s not safe. I know you see that, but trust that you can see that there are other alternatives.
Were I you, I’d ask my parents to sign a will codicil saying that you’re at least to be reimbursed for the mortgage and things with receipts…at least.
They both need help. He’s old too and his needs seem to get glossed over for the mom’s needs.
The only viable solution is for them to be in a facility. Sadly, they are selfish and want their daughter to be their caregiver.
I think actual roleplay, with a therapist, in person is needed to get it. To roleplay the push-react conversations - then stop, reflect & examine what happens.
I'll give you an example that made me 'get it'.
When a Councellor 'played' calling & asking for my help, it was really illuminating. Firstly I could see when a DIRECT request was made, I felt quite ok to be DIRECT with an honest answer back. Stating what I could or could not do.
Eg 1 "Can you drive me to the Doctor's this Friday at 3?"
"No, sorry. I am busy at that time."
Then clear communication could follow. Could I help if an alternative time was arranged? If not, then say so.
But when I corrected the Councillor to how a request like that was actually made.. the wording, the style.. A'HA!!
It was all HINTS. Nothing direct. Not honest clear communication.
Hints, like fishing hooks that caught me & I twisted myself up on the line.
Eg 2 "I have an appointment coming up... I'm not sure how I will get there.. (worried sad tone of voice)."
Me: REACTING to voice tone.
"Oh? Maybe I can help? When is it?".
CAUGHT.
(I had offered & may have guilt if I try to unhook).
The hints are used to manipulate.
To get you to do what they want. And they didn't even ASK?
YOU offered!
They trained you to bite that hook.
** I had to learn NOT to bite that hook **
I had a 55th class reunion this year. My DH and I agreed we were not going. My GF asked if I was going, I said No. She asked why and I said I don't want to. No long explanation, just I did not want to go. This is a friend I tried to get to a class reunion for 45 years and her answer was always just No not going. The 50th was her first.
Right now, max thinks and behaves like a 7 year old kid who has to ask and receive permissions from mommy and daddy before she can do anything.
She does very well with strangers though. Her Brooklyn NY toughness comes through loud and clear.
But mommy and daddy still keep her under their thumbs and that’s how they like it.
Until max views herself as an adult in front of her parents, nothing anyone says will do any good.
Absolutely, I agree! I have said time and time again that other people will view us the way we view ourselves.
If Max shows her parents that she is helpless, by not being able to stand up to them, then that is what they will believe.
Why wouldn’t her parents believe this? They are picking up on how she views herself and taking advantage of it.
Build up your life separate from them, help them find care as they age - likely a facility. Your mum will have activities and other people there. Best thing for her and for you.
Look after her needs, not her wants.
You keep posting about how fabulous your parents are, what a great upbringing you had. Ad nauseum.
It's a tissue of lies.
You need some serious mental health intervention if you think it's a privilege to be paying your parents' mortgage because they gave all their funds to their mentally ill son.
Max, get yourself to your doctor TOMORROW and get followed up for your cancer dx.
THAT comes first.
Dogs and parents second.
I am beginning to doubt that max is 63 and her parents are in their nineties. Based on her writing style and phrasings. I estimate max to be in her early to mid twenties and parents in their mid to late sixties.
I asked max what her parents did everyday while she was there for close to 3 months and no reply but in other posts she said they are in great shape and don't look like they are in their nineties. Neither of which jive with her having to wipe moms behind or dad having to do it.
I would love for you to start valuing yourself for the wonderful woman that you are.
If you don’t see your own worth, you can’t possibly show your worth to your mom and dad.
You say that you canceled dates to be with your mom. I have to tell you that I would never in a million years expect my daughters to cancel dates for me.
Unless it was an emergency, I seriously doubt that they would even consider canceling a date. I raised them to be independent and think for themselves.
Whenever I invited them to dinner or whatever, I always stressed to them that if they couldn’t come over it was absolutely fine.
My parents and in-laws were the same way with us. They invited us over but we were never asked to cancel anything to be with them.
Why would you cancel a date? What did your dates think of you canceling to be with your parents?
Don’t you see how selfish it was for your mom to expect you to cancel a date?
You say that you made her needy. No, you didn’t. She is selfish for feeling that her needs come before yours.
Your needs are important. Show her that you care about your own needs and DO NOT apologize for caring about yourself.
Just try it. I’m thinking of that stupid L’Oréal commercial, “Because I am worth it.” Hey, it’s their slogan but it’s your life. You are worth it!