My husband and I have been with my 90 year old parents since before Thanksgiving. It is now January 2nd. My husband had to go home to work in another state. My mom got a respiratory infection and was sent to the hospital due to fluid in her extremities and low oxygen. She’s now on oxygen. I stayed behind to care for her and help out my Dad. I thought that she would get better in a few weeks. It’s not the oxygen problem that she can’t deal with when I leave, it’s that she can’t reach back to wipe her rear because she’s too heavy in her stomach. Granted she’s sitting on a high toilet seat with grab bars, but even before we got that, she didn’t want to wipe herself. Then she wants me to bring her a bed pan into the kitchen while my Dad was cooking in the kitchen, also outside on the common area balcony in front of her door, in the living room - to urinate instead of walking to the bathroom. My Dad said she gets out of bed on her own, wipes herself upfront and gets back into bed by herself. When my wonderful husband told her Mom you need to start trying to become independent again like you were, she went crazy on him and told me go home to your husband. He is the most compassionate person in the world. My mom said to him I want to thank you for you giving up your wife - what does this mean? For how long does she think I’m going to stay around just to wipe her? She said I would never have your father to that. I don’t like to use my father’s car so I’m trapped. I also brought my puppy who needs exercise. She told me don’t be long walking him. Also, she’s supposed to be losing weight and she’s eating cookies, etc. So why do I have to wipe her if she can’t reach back because she’s heavy and she’s not helping herself? My husband and I are in our 60’s and about to retire and she won’t even walk to help herself! It’s so unfair! I bought her a tool to help her reach back and she doesn’t want to try it. If she can’t wipe herself now, I can’t just live with her to just stay around to wipe her. So sorry everyone! PS I had breast cancer and need to go to my doctors too.
This is the final stretch because February 7th is only a few weeks away. Your mother will double-down on the games, the drama, the verbal abuse, and the manipulation now.
You MUST be extra careful and observant in the weeks leading up to you going home. If your mother is anything like mine, the fabricated health crises and staged "falls" will also be starting up around now. Many people don't believe seniors do these things but they are very common tactics to get attention and to maintain control over the people in their lives.
Watch for this and beware of it.
Then let nothing short of an act of God stop you from going home on February 7th. Good luck.
It’s sad when things seem to be in place, and a parent tries to sabotage everything.
This is when our strength is tested! Don’t think that a parent can’t see their children’s weaknesses. They absolutely do and will use it against them every time.
Oh how we dream of living in an ideal world!
You do see how this is going to go down, right?
Personally, everything you have shared here, your parents should be in managed care. That would be the only conversation about care you should engage in.
Does it suck? Yes, absolutely! But, they are NOT able to be independent, for whatever reason, so they need to accept that life changes and they need to stop sucking your life force to prop them up. If they refuse, they couldn't care less about you, other then giving your mommy what she wants, that's the care they have for you and your spouse.
Yes, you are crazy to keep pushing the date out. That's why you keep getting pressured, IT WORKS! This is your problem and not your parents. You need to learn what no means and utilize it or YOU just create more pressure on yourself.
Are you really surprised by your their reaction? Your parents are going to continue to reach out to you to be their lifeline.
You are NOT their lifeline. You can utilize tools that can lead them to a proper lifeline, which of course, is placement in a suitable facility.
It is NOT your responsibility to be their ‘hands on’ care. You can be their advocate after they are placed in a facility.
You want your parents to be happy but you also have to be happy and have peace in your life. You will never achieve this if you continue being their lifeline. Give up that responsibility and allow others to care for them.
I wish you and your family all the best.
Do you understand what it means to be an adult? It means being able to say "no", calmly and firmly one's parent, and take the dog for a walk.
Stop taking orders from her.
Or are you seeing Mom react like every little thing is a top grade emergency eg do it NOW, I need this TODAY, call Dad THIS minute.
This kind of controlling behaviour can be panic, anxiety, cognitive decline inc problems with short term memory. (Have to do it NOW before they forget). My own Mother gets like this - for all of those reasons.
Wth practice, you will take a deep breath, consider the 'emergency' & then respond.
Remember Mom installed that quick-jab-react button in you to jump at her command!
Once you see it in others, Wow. You kind of laugh when you see them leap of the couch into action over a dropped spoon or something trivial.
One way to sort the *sensible* from the *silly* is playing a little game called 'What's an emergency?'.
Are dog treats an emergency?
Only accept a Yes/No answer.
You will see if Mom is sensible or silly that day 😃.
Oh, yes. The "emergency". I can't even tell you how much of this nonsense I've had over the years.
Don't play games. What I do when there's an "emergency" is offer to either call a family member or 911.
I had one of our clients calling the office over the weekend with an "emergency".
I called her DIL (she arranged services) and told her that we do not handle client emergencies. Our caregivers work their scheduled hours. The only time the office should be called is if there is a complaint or cancellation. I told the client and the DIL that if she continues to call the office with all these "emergencies" which are nonsense we will drop her from our service.
If you keep going on at this pace, before you even get the chance to speak with your husband, you’re either going to be crying to a therapist or getting an examination from a cardiologist for your own health issues.
Trust me, I am speaking from experience. I was so slow in letting go of control caring for my parents that I ended up in a therapist’s office (best choice that I ever made.) My blood pressure became very high, my heart was racing and my doctor sent me to a cardiologist for tests.
Continual stress in our lives causes a lot of anxiety and physical symptoms as well. My therapist would notice that I was breaking out in hives just talking about my situation.
I couldn’t eat. I felt like I would throw up if I tried to eat a meal. My doctor and husband were upset about the weight I was losing. I can’t eat when my nerves get the best of me.
I found this forum way too late. I needed therapy much sooner too. It took me awhile to wrap my head around so many things. It’s a process.
I am glad that you have a compassionate husband. I do too, but don’t kid yourself, husbands get sick of things. It becomes a burden on them to feel like they have to constantly comfort us.
The best thing my husband told me was, “Your mom gets upset if she gets her way. She gets upset when she doesn’t. So why are you continuing on like this? It’s a waste of time.” He was right! Something inside me clicked that day. I hope something will click inside of you soon too.
I get sad sometimes because I feel like I wasted so many years as a caregiver. I can’t ever get that time back. I didn’t know what I know now. I am grateful to everyone that reached out to me. Find peace, find joy, you deserve it.
It will be better to have the husband present when the talk happens.
The parents will take the discussion more seriously and will not likely respond the way they would if it was just the OP.
As others say, this screaming is to get you to do what she wants you to do while not respecting your choices or needs. You are caught in the FOG - fear, obligation and guilt of a dysfunctional relationship. Only you can change that.
Under no circumstances even consider taking your parents into your home when they can't manage where they are. If for no other reason than that you can't give them the care they need. You have needs including a safe home in which to recover from cancer. That has to be a priority in your life. Your mother may never get that. Ok, Whatever. That's her. YOU get it You have a husband and a marriage which need your attention and you don't need the additional stress of so much time with your parents. In fact, in your own interests you need to visit your parents less often and spend less time there when you do.
That means learning to say "No" to your mother and no to your feelings of fear, guilt and obligation.
That one change on your part can make a huge difference in your life. If you are serious about looking after yourself and having a better life with your husband and less stress from your parents you will have to say "No" probably many times. You don't have to explain why you are saying no, or justify your decisions to not stay longer or visit as much.
Just say no.
If you need to, practice saying it to yourself in front of a mirror. Rehearse how you are going to respond next time your mother screams at you. You know she will, so plan how to deal with it. And walk away from her if you need to e.g. leave the room. And come back here and tell us you have done. (((((((hugs)))))) One step at a time - you will get there.
I think this is the saying by one of our members
No need for them to find a solution, when you allow urself to be the solution (something like that)
No, is a one word sentence
When saying the word NO, your are not responsible for the reaction you receive (Boundries by Townsend and Cloud)
My montra...I am here to help people find a way, not be the way.
It's very, very obvious you "would do anything for your parents." The question is, what is your plan to start doing things for YOURSELVES now? Or is that not really an option?
May you have a great celebration when you and hubs are together.. Keep your eyes on "Your Terms". it's gotta be that way from now on, not just for once and I hope you won't do anything for your parents. It's not healthy. Boundaries!!!
Prayers for your dad's surgery.
That's where the
"No."
"I couldn't possibly do that."
"That's not an option."
"Certainly not."
"By no means."
"Of course not."
"Not really."
"On no account/not on any account."
"Hardly."
"No way am I doing that."
"Not likely."
come in.
You, together with your hub, figure out what things you can't or won't do and what things you can and will do. Just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should or will do it. You have a choice as to what you will do for them and what you won't do. No one can be or do everything for another person. Your first priority has to be your health and your needs or you won't be good for anyone or anything.
Take care of you. You matter every bit at much as your mum and dad even though you have not grown up with that message. What you want, feel and think is important. (((((hugs))))
Adding
"That is not an emergency".
Sort each request..
Hard No.
No.
Not Now.
eg for calling Dad mid medical appointment for shopping items.. Not Now. Not an emergency.
Dog treats can simply be added to the next shopping list.
Wake up, you're dreaming.
Happy your dad's surgery went well and he is feeling better.
Your Mom, its what it is. I have a SIL that can be nice and do things for others but when it comes to family its another thing. She can be a real b***h and doesn't care about others feelings. If she wasn't my SIL I would never have her as a friend. And then she makes the statement that people thought her Mom was the nicest person, but they didn't see the other side.
Keep your boundaries and go home, where you belong, with your husband,
When she starts just say " I am going home, Dad is in charge of your well-being".
Me, I would leave sooner.
There are various ways you can deal with this
"I am leaving on the 28th and Dad will look after you." - as you said. Great.
Another way is to take her and her threats seriously. As you get older you get aches and pains. It is to be expected. You don't have to write a novel about them. She's overweight - she wants her knees to feel better? Lose weight. Overweight is the number one reason for bad knees in older women. Lose weight and start moving (exercising a little). Complaining is not going to help her feel better, nor is it going to keep you there. Right? A little tough love would not be out of place here. "Mum, I understand you are in pain. No one can help you feel better. You have to help yourself by losing weight and walking more." Don't give her extra attention when she complains. That feeds her need for attention. see below**
She has threatened to kill herself so she is a self harm risk. Get her to ER and request a psychiatric evaluation. Frankly she needs a full neuropsychiatric evaluation from a geriatric psychiatrist and probably some meds.
Just ignore her - look up grey rock method on the internet. It is a way to deal with a narcissist by withdrawing your attention. **
Tell her you will help her with what you can until you leave, but you ARE leaving on Jan 28th. Actually she really doesn't want help, she wants your attention.**
When she starts, say "Mum, I gotta go" and leave the room. Don't engage with her beyond saying that you are going out or to another room. Leave, take the dog for a walk, go have a bath or whatever. This may "train" her that you will not stay with her when she talks like that. You don't have to spend your day listening to her try to manipulate you,
Change the subject - "My, the weather is nice today." "Isn't dad doing well." "Look how poochie is growing." "I am so looking forward to going home." "It's going to be wonderful being with hub again."
Use a variety of the No, I couldn't possibly, No way that's happening, and so on.
But under NO circumstances allow yourself to be manipulated into staying even an extra hour!!! Even if she pulls the suicide card just before you leave, let dad deal with it and leave anyway.
You can do this. Stay firm! Your life may depend on it. Number one - look after you!!!!!
I like what MeDolly said - leave earlier, even to a hotel.
** Narcissists need attention. It's called their narcissistic supply. They fixate on certain people who give them that attention, and do whatever they can to keep it. You have been supplying your mother with that attention. When you withdraw from being her narcissistic supply she will fight it, but eventually find someone else to supply her with attention.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_supply
What is considered narcissistic supply?
In psychoanalytic theory, narcissistic supply is a pathological or excessive need for attention or admiration from codependents...that does not take into account the feelings, opinions or preferences of other people.
If this were a casino I would bet on the odds that daughter will cave and give into moms demands and continue propping up her parents fantasy life of independence.
What exactly do your parents do everyday? Just curious about their activity level.