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My uncle just died and his obituary was a well written summary of his life and legacy. The obituary itself said he left memoirs and I am sure that helped his family. My mom & dad are both 87 so I want to be prepared for when the time comes. It seems that writing the obituary would be a hard task to do right after death, has anyone else began writing the obituary before death? And what are some clever ways I can get them to give me information? I really don't want to tell them what I am doing. Just wanted to ask the community their experiences. Thanks!

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Well certainly do NOT tell anyone you are writing their obituary. (You could tell me, since I want to know what you are saying about me!) Any task that involves dealing with a loved one's death is easier to do when they are alive. You are not in great shape right after a death. You should ask the person questions about their life. It would be nice to do this even if you were not thinking about the obituary. People usually enjoy these conversations especially older persons. This is a good way to get to know them better. You think you know them but... My mom told me she played checkers at the barbershop as a teenager. Very interesting and not what I would have imagined. Enjoy your parents while you have them with you .
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You can always approach them with the idea of having your own arrangements in order. Tell your parent you are working on it and you need there help. During the process you can gather the info you need.
Your funeral home can provide help in what info is usually needed.
I’m doing this you get yours and theirs done.
Keep in mind that it requires an update from time to time due to deaths and births.
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I haven't read any of the messages but my son did a video with just casually talking with my parents which really came in handy. He asked questions as he always do so they weren't really bothered by the video.
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I did, my Mom and I always talked about her life before us, and her favorite things. For her birthday or mother's day -- I wrote a small biography for her and had it make into a small book. She loved it. One thing that you may consider, because of so much identity theft, I didn't give her complete history, IE her parents' last name. And yes news paper obituaries are VERY expensive, but the funeral home had a digital obituary on their website. I gave the links to friends and family. Don't be surprised if the tears start flowing as you're writing.
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My uncle wrote what he wanted in the paper after the family asked him to do so - however he noted 5 grandchildren but by the time he died there were 6 named - just keep on track & re-read anything they write - my uncle had been at many universities so that's why his family wanted him to document the years - he mentioned my mom [his sister-in-law] by her unusual full name [Adeltrude] & she wanted to know who had done it so everyone pointed to the casket .... end of discussion!!! - his last joke!
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Another thing about Newspaper Obituaries, is you can write out just the pertinent funeral arrangements and directions to the funeral home, and also refer them to the Free online  Funeral Homes Remembrance page, as most of them have them now, and you can write out your full Obituary there.

Visitors can sign the "book", light a candle, order flower arrangements and they can even write their own remembrances of the deceased, and give their respects to the family too.
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I suppose the obit in the paper is expensive, but you can cut it out, have it encased in plastic and use as bookmarks. I did this with my late husband's obit and gave to his sister and two sons. Someday they may be glad they know those things.
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I wrote a eulogy for my mother’s funeral, and sent copies to those of my mother’s old friends who were still alive but couldn’t be there. I got their addresses from her ‘Christmas Card’ list. You write it to honour the deceased, to record information for younger members of the family, and to bring old friends into the final picture. It needs to be about 1500 words, to take about the right time to be read out at the service.

Very recently our daughters asked me to write the first half of the eulogy for my ex-husband’s funeral, covering the time we had together. My suggestions to my daughters for the last half were ‘make him the principal character, follow his work history, anchor in it any friendships that have survived, skate over difficult bits, and put in a couple of anecdotal comments about the period that people can relate to’.

I fully agree with talking a life history through with your parents, for its own sake as well as to give yourself this information for a eulogy. I find that our children are quite vague about most of our own younger days, even vaguer about most of their grandparents’ lives, and almost totally blank further back than that. School children are quite often given a project to ‘write an oral history’, and grandchildren (even neighbourhood children) can be a way to start the conversation going. It can also be a good topic for your own conversations, when it seems that there is nothing left to talk about besides daily trivia. Give it a go!
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I have written obituaries even for cousins, so it can absolutely be done. Gather as many facts as you can.
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Heres another idea: We actually are supposed to be playing "brain games" which are all sorts of questions under different categories. Math, history, etc. One of the categories was actually "Life in my past" and I found that was a great way to pull out info.
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My advice is to ask questions of them, their siblings, your siblings, others in your family.
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My step father was ill with cancer in 2014 he wrote his own obit and my mother's so all was already taken care of. He passed Dec 2014 mom is still living and I'm her caregiver. Step father has everything in place already for mom so we don't have to worry.
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My Mom had me write hers years ago, she is still living, thank the Lord.
It was a sad experience for me to write it. A lot of people I know who are living have written their own
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My parents and I were very open about most everything happening with them. My dad had Alzheimer's, my mother had vascular dementia. When they were still themselves, but in Assisted Living, I wrote obituaries for them, and we sat down and calmly went over them. Also exactly what they wanted for their funerals.
Boy, I would have missed a lot if I hadn't done that. Some things my dad wanted in his obit, that I wouldn't have thought of. My mom wanted a completely different sort of service than my dad did. It was emotional at times, but I was able to discuss and redirect.

We were able to get all of this setup and done when we had to spend down their monies.
It was so nice to be able to do what they wanted, to say what they wanted to say, and not have to worry about it at that most emotional time.

I'm trying to get my husband to write our obituaries, so our kids don't need to worry about that.
Death is a part of life. We all know that. We shouldn't be so afraid to take care of it.
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My husband just decided to write his own. I read it and it reads more like a eulogy than an obituary. Not something I would publish. We are donating our bodies to science, and in the "obit" he states this, then says, "ashes will be distributed to various family members." I cannot see myself dividing up ashes to be "distributed to various family members" after he is gone! Would I be wrong not to publish what he wants and not to distribute ashes, because I just can not. I don't think he realizes that isn't an obituary, and they are very expensive to publish.
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This answer is not completely on point, but I am constantly surprised about how little some families talk. From the time I was a young girl I knew the basics about my parents and grandparents lives: what there childhoods were like, their educational experiences, where they worked, their experiences during WWII, how they met, everywhere they had lived. When I was an adult, we discussed more painful and sensitive experiences of lives. I know many people who never knew these details at all. Any one of my brothers and sisters could have written a decent obit for either of my parents (with some shakiness on actual dates). If you find you don't know these facts about your parents, be sure that you talk about your experiences to your children and grandchildren. In every day conversation, tell them about the history you lived through, and your place in that history. Did you go to war? Did you dodge a war? Where were you when JFK was assassinated? On 9/11? Did you lose your job during the recession? Who did you vote for, why, and did you regret it? Even the quietest life is interesting. Why did you leave you home town, or why didn't you. Did you ever have other spouses? Did you ever have your life turned upside down by death, illness, desertion, divorce, imprisonment? How did you deal with that. It will help your children and grandchildren to know that your life was not perfect and that you had to struggle with problems. This is just my point of view.
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I turned it into somewhat of a fun project for my mother, as she is still fairly young (in her mid 60s but disabled with oh so many health issues). I call it the "Legacy Project". I purchased a large clear jar from a craft store. I got some colored paper squares (fairly small but large enough to write on) and wrote a question on each piece of paper and folded each one up and placed it in the jar. Some of the questions are thought provoking, others are more fun. She can write down, journal style, her answers on the computer. It gives her something to do. I told her it was so she could leave something of herself behind for her grandchildren so they could know about her hopes and dreams and who she was as a person. In some cases, the paper asks her what advice she has for her grandchildren on certain topics. Others ask for her memories on certain historical events like when JFK was shot, the moon landing, 9/11, etc. If your parent is not into writing, maybe do it interview style and you can record the conversation. Maybe do a question every week or every day, as often as you like. There are websites with questions to ask to start writing someone's life story or your own. I think those would be a good starting point. I hope that helps. It might help give some interesting stories for their eulogies.
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I believe it makes a difference as to whether a person has lived in one area most or all of life, or has lived in many areas such that none is really "home". The former has a reason to include details; the latter just needs some basic dates and a few superficial details. Although my mother has been in a nursing home in OH for 5 years (and has spent a few years in NY and many in NJ), her real roots are in central PA where she will be buried and people, including relatives, know her. I'm of the second category, so I don't really care what or how much is written about me, or even where it appears.
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My parish priest interfews the surviving widow or family and gives a short obit at Mass of the deceased. It usually is very warm and he obtains all the positive info to talk about that person. Unless there is a family member who wants to give the obit, he will take over for the family.
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Again, haven't read all the responses so sorry if someone has said this.

Yes, obits are expensive. I really dislike those long drawn out ones. I said just enough so that people were sure they knew my Mom. I like seeing date and place of birth. Maiden name included with married. Parents. Then they are survived by children, names and grand, names. (I left out grands names and wish I had included because grandsons work ask for proof of death with an obit to be paid for the day) Deceased by. This gets, to me, all the important info out of the way. Then you can tell about where the person worked, organizations involved in ect.
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I have written my own obituary. I did it after my second husband died, and I some difficulty with the actual names of the agencies where he worked before I met him. Most people don't even take a newspaper anymore, but it is nice to have the obituary blown-up and sitting at the memorial service. I don't have a lot of friends, so my memorial service will be small, but my church has a nice chapel and I plan to discuss with the minister what I want there, as well as with my children. I even have a tombstone in place already engraved with everything but the date of death!
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Unknowingly my father helped write his. He had recently retired and had made lots of notes about his life and experience in preparation for that. Mom and & sat with those notes and pulled it all together. After things settled down she and I sat down and got some of the details for hers together for when the time came. She had been active in the American Legion Aux and held several offices, she wanted to mention the traveling she and Dad enjoyed after her retired, she was very proud to have been the 1st in her family to graduate HS. Oh and NO photo, she hated that people put an old photo of when they were younger in the paper. Photos at the funeral home were fine. While she didn't pre-plan her services with the funeral home she told me she's be fine with what I chose. While my Dad had the full Catholic service don't take her to church, she did go when she was alive don't drag her there when she was dead.
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I asked a cousin to help with my dad's obituary and learned more than I ever knew about him.

My SIL wrote her own before she passed.

For my DH, I opted not to do an obituary. At 96-1/2, he had already outlived his peers and I saw no reason to alert "strangers on the prowl" that he had passed.

The funeral home will ask you the most pertinent questions and they even assisted me in writing the obit for my dad who served in WWII in the Big Red A - he survived 8 skirmishes and was at the Normandy Beach landing and helped to liberate the concentration camps. I went "whole-hog" in his obit because I knew there are groups looking for these 'flags' when the veteran passes on.
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Go to "StoryCorps", they have lots of ideas for questions to ask and conversations to have that might be helpful.
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I have written my father's obit. His wife - not my mother, has a niece who she wants to have to have write it. Well, in the case of my father who is over 105 there are only dates, that really need to be edited. So, since they didn't write them, someone had to and my brother isn't the type to do it, there are many items of interest that a son knows and they won't change. What's wrong with having it done and let the chips fall where they may if they didn't do it? What you can do is plan ahead and think over what is or may be important for those reading the obit. Changes can always be made and then the stress will not cause you more problems.
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Most people, even those who feel a little bit spooked talking about it, will respond to your desire to 'get the facts right.' Especially if you open with an example of a obituary where they messed it up. "I can't believe this -- my friend Gina's mother's obituary spells her name wrong and it said she dropped out of college but it doesn't say that she finished college at 52." Most parents would want to make sure that didn't happen to them.
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My mom had lived in several states and a couple of countries over a long life. When she was in her 70s she started 'drafting' a 'complete' obit so we would have all the info -- including things like where she went to school (in 3 states), what unit she served in during the war, the full names of her first husband and her (long-dead) stepdaughter, and so on. She said she knew that newspaper obits were expensive and by no means should we send the full-length text to every city ... but each city should get the part that was relevant. She also pointed out that, in addition to the newspaper where you pay for the obit, there would be church newsletters and small community groups who would want to at least see the whole thing. Today she would probably want the whole thing on her Facebook page -- which she would certainly have had if she had lived to now. By the time she died there were several pages of info. We cherry-picked what to include for the newspaper where she and my dad lived 20 years and were active serving on community organizations and sent a small notice to the town where she and her sisters had grown up, but the local smalltown newspaper where she spent her last 30 years took her draft and added their own info and included most of the facts she had listed. And didn't charge us because she was a 'pillar' of the community by then.
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I wrote my parents' obituaries before they passed away. I did look at other well-written obituaries to somewhat act as a guideline. Just having a rough-draft will save time after a loved one has passed, not to mention the brain-fog that comes with grief. For my dad, who was an artist, he actually discussed his obituary with me. I came up with a rough draft and shared it with him. He was very pleased and gave me some ideas of things to stream-line it a bit. When he was actively dying, I went back and stream-lined it a bit more, plus updated some dates and names. It was a huge blessing to have this done the day I went into finalize the funeral arrangements. As everyone mentioned, the cost is expensive, so unless you really need to put many details in the obituary, don't. You can always write a beautiful memorial memory to pass out at the funeral or visitation. You may even be allowed to post something on the funeral home's website. Personally, I had no problems with scammers, but I'm certain there are those types of people who are ready to prey on others, so limiting some information such as addresses can be wise.

You'll never regret having pre-planned any of your loved one's obituary, funeral/memorial service, burial, etc. One of the very special things my parents did for us kids was to pre-buy their burial plot and their caskets. The less details you have to think about in a time of grief, will result in less over-spending and less stress. You're very wise to make this decision and plan out your parents' (and your) desires.
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I have found that some people as they age want to have that all in order, write it themselves or with a close family member or caregiver and others feel very uncomfortable thinking about that so partly it depends on where your parent falls on the subject. Maybe casually mentioning how nice your (uncle's was it?) was to see if they bite and if not another time mentioning "a friend" or something who wrote it with their parent ahead of time and how perfect it came out and what a gift it was to your friend from that parent discussing it all well before they passed because they could rest easy knowing they were honoring their parent the way they wanted. Something along that line. Sometimes talking about someone else gives them the time and opportunity to have it be their idea or express their feelings on the idea of writing or helping to write their own obituary, plan their own funeral, without the pressure of being asked if that makes any sense. At the least they wont react at all, at best they initiate working out all the details and feel good about doing it and somewhere in-between you at least get their feelings about taking part in that, "that's a great idea, I'm just not sure I can do it" or "There is something too creepy about writing your own obit, it creates bad juju".
I had one grandmother who took care of all the details and sent letters to all of her relatives telling us exactly what her wishes were, 10 years or more before she passed or had any medical problems. That's the kind of person she was, controlling yes but also organized and when it came to it made things so much easier for my dad. My other grandmother was opposite, wanted nothing to do with planning for her aging or passing and left not only her loose ends but all the stuff from both her mother and her aunts house, passing, estate (the things she didn't have to take care of at the time legally) for my mom (and us) to deal with. We are still cataloging stuff and she passed 15 (?) years ago. Just different personalities handling these things very differently so I guess what I'm saying is you need to figure out where your loved one falls and then work with that.
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My husband will be 91 in a month. I have had his obituary written for 3 years. I go in and edit it as things change. I have all his papers and directives together. I have completed funeral arrangements, including songs, who will participate. We have talked openly about his wishes. Sometimes i will just ask a question by saying, “remind me about....”. This will get him started talking and i can glean the info i need. I have even done a shell program and gathered pictures for video which he doesn’t know. I did not tell him about obit. The main thing I have left to do is the clothes in which he will be buried. When our mom passed we had taken care of everything 2-3 years before. For my experience, anything that can be done ahead helps.
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