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My whole life it has been about owing her for having me and such guilt trips. Only through the posts I have read on here, have I been able to put a label on the problem as narcissistic. This is only getting worse with her dementia. I am an only child with a half-brother, who refuses to have anything to do with her anymore. And a half-sister, whom after 20 years of not speaking to us, has decided to talk to me again. After we started talking did my sis decided that she has left the burden on my shoulders much too long. I didn't blame her for living her life and getting away when she could, I would have been better off if I had taken her advice and done the same. However, I was 20 yrs younger than her & didn't believe the things she told me about my mom could be true. (That she was crazy and only cared about herself). Now I am not sure about my sis's motives and she lives 2000 miles away, but she talks to mom which does help. Last time mom didn't get her way when I took her shopping for 3 hrs in walmart and she wanted to go 2 more places, and I said I had to get home, she started cursing me. I told her that she always does this to me, nice while she is getting her way and then she turns on me. She then informed me that I hadn't seen anything yet!! All the way home she kept yelling at me and telling me to let her out of the van. She was cursing me and even started kicking me while I was driving her home. (This is not the first time she had been physical w me). However, much to my surprise she called my over-the-road truck driving husband, and said I had hit her and kicked her while driving her home from town! Also, that I had tried to force her out of the van and I was parked right on the edge of a cliff! Thank God my husband realizes how my mother tries to control me and he informed me he knew I wouldn't do those things. Unfortunately, I refused to be alone w her and she managed to take the local transit to her doctor's office. The doctor, of course is a mandatory reporter, and my loving mother told him the same horrible story that she told my husband! And of course, I was investigated and it was unfounded, but the damage she has done to me and my name never ends! I forgot to mention that she turned me in for financial abuse at the same time. Mom's doctor who will not admit on paper that there is anything wrong with her. Instead said, maybe the person investigating this could get the ball rolling towards getting some help for her. Why can't he...he is her physician?! And I have had conversations with him and wrote a letter to him explaining her behaviors, my concerns and asked for some guidance or help! All he said is that she should definitely not handle her own finances and that he knew I didn't do those things to my mom. He sees how I am with her when I bring her to doctor appts, but he had to report it. So, I once again gave her checkbook and bills back to her since she insisted that I was stealing from her and that she could take care of her finances. I told her if she gets everything messed up and is about to get electricity shut off for non-payment, etc. like she has done before, not to ask me to help. She informed me that would not be a problem, at least she would have money now. Nine months later she was begging me to take over her finances once again. She told me that she shouldn't be taking care of anything as messed up as her mind was and that I knew that. She couldn't understand why I wouldn't pay her bills for her, I knew her health wasn't good and she couldn't do it! So, being the good daughter I am, I reluctantly took over again with stipulations this time...no more accusing me of stealing, no more insisting I will not let her have any of her money and the first time she did this, I would be done! She agreed.....and now, she tells my husband that she doesn't have the 500.00 left over every month like she did when she pd her bills and doesn't know where her money is going. My husband tells her that I am only paying her bills with her money and that the money is in her account. She recently told him that I am the only one using that account and anything she needs, she pays for with cash. I can't help but feel she is setting me up for something! We can not get along and she called me a M*#$@r F*%#&r the other day when I confronted her about be untruthful. I will not put up w that and haven't been having anything to do with her. So, now she informed my husband that if I can't talk to her, then we will be enemies! Personally that is fine, I finally realize after years of physical/mental abuse, that she has done more damage by telling anybody that will listen, how I steal her money, abuse her, took her drivers license away so she can't see anyone or go anywhere, than my enemies have ever done! What can I do with my 85 yr old mother that blames every problem on me & makes me feel as if she hates me? Thanks for your time & sorry I rambled on.

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You are a really good person. Why don’t you put your husband, kids and grandkids first and use all that energy you’re using up trying to help someone who you can’t help? She will never change.
We are not promised tomorrow! Do you really want to take the chance that you wasted your last day dealing with this over the top
narcissistic woman? She is obviously cunning and conniving to be able to go to court and be deemed competent? I think there is no end to how much trouble she can cause you!!!
Relinquish the POA!!!
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LP, I have every sympathy for you. But - you KNOW what you have to do but won’t do it out of compassion etc. This woman will suck your life blood from you and just keep going to the next person. Meanwhile, your husband and family will attend your funeral when this stress kills you. Plus you need to get rid of that attorney, or tell him fine, he has POA and resign every duty and POA you have. This is the only way out. I really wish you well and Hope you find peace in what you will need to do.
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Isthisrealyreal All of what I wrote above applies to you also.
Read it.
ACT ON IT!!

MOVE ON (and totally out of the situation) Look after you and yours.
Never mind the cunning, not so silly, nasty old fool. He has cooked his last goose at your expense.

Love and hugs

Now stop reading this and get it SORTED!!! NOW!!! :)
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L.P., I am at the point of walking away from my dad, my husband and I talked this morning about this unreasonable guilt I feel. I know that the conditioning started before I have memories. So my head and heart know that he is a narsisist and I am only around so he can use me up to get what he wants. He actually had the "small hairless ones" to tell me he would rather have his step-daughter doing for him but, I could live another 30 years and I couldn't ask that of her. What!!!!!!?????!!!!! So it's okay to suck my life's blood but, not the kids you actually raised. Every time I think I can help him and not be devoured by him, he shows me how wrong I am. I am not the solution to what ails him. However, he is the problem that ails me. I am worth something, maybe not to him but, to my family I am irreplaceable. You are in the same shoes, let's lay our guilt down together and let these toxic humans live the consequences of their choices. We can do it, I start today removing myself as POA , what will you change for you today. Let me know. God bless you and give you strength.
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FIRSTLY You have done nothing wrong - whatever she says. Remember she see things through twisted glasses. They twist and turn so that she will never ever be wrong. She will always be the 'hard done by' one.

SECONDLY You have done your very very best for such a long time. Be proud of that!!! What ever she says, you KNOW you have!!

THIRDLY Look after yourself, your husband, children and grand children (should this have been first? May be)

Get all the paper work done legally. and resign anything (contracts etc. ) that you may have with her or her legal representative.

Hand her over to the state. Make sure the hospital and sheriff are also aware.

WALK AWAY!!! And yes I am shouting this at YOU!!!

You have reached the end of your tether, let go.

I send you love and hugs for all of your family and you :)

Buzzy
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JWdaughter:
My heart goes out to you as well. Hugs to you and I am sure therapy would do us both some good. I don't think it could do any harm in my case,lol. Good luck to you, I wish you peace and guidance with your dad.
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Yeah the guilt feeling is extremely hard to deal with and overcome. I keep finding myself giving in to my dad's ridiculous behavior because that's what was done when I was younger, by the whole family. But it's complicated to balance now that he is actually needing some care.

It's so frustrating to figure out how to show respect for a parent who does not act in a respectable way! I keep trying to remind myself of what things are not my responsibility...

I've been considering seeing a counselor/ therapist to specifically talk about how I can deal with the family dynamics.

I hope you can get some help figuring out how to deal with your extremely difficult circumstance.
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You can see the good in people while still seeing the potential for bad. "Gentle as doves but wise as serpents" or something similar is the old saying.

If it is industry practice to take a %age of the estate/net worth for overseeing as POA, it's not even you seeing evil. The financial arrangement was undoubtedly made by mother, who is not the best decision maker out there. You just don't even need to participate. The attorney is going to get paid as he and mom agreed; he can earn it instead of giving you headaches.
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Yes, LP, you do.

In this instance, it's for your own protection. Stop feeling guilty. She certainly doesn't for how she treats you. It will never get any better.
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Thank you for your responses SURPRISE & ISTHISREALYREAL.
I know you all are telling me wo prej. what I need to do & I appreciate that. I just feel so horrible and guilty, and I know that is what I have been trained to feel all my life (like a lab rat). I always try to see the good in people (like the atty.) and it usually bites me in the behind.
If I was hearing this story from someone else, I would tell them to grow a pair and do what they need to do before it is too late! I guess I need to grow a pair!
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LP. I believe your mother's attorney is charging your mother's account for every time he answers your calls or sees you. You won't see that bill until he submits it to the estate. Here, I've heard of a 5% per year fee for the attorney in a POA arrangement. He surely knows her financials down to the penny and may have a copy of her statements sent to him as her POA to "keep an eye on it."

Your mother obviously does not trust you to be a decent POA. You are on there in name only with the atty keeping tabs on your actions in order to sue you for breach of fiduciary duty if you do anything without consulting him. Nope. Resign.
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Check with an attorney other then your mom's, in AZ it is legal to record if 1 party agrees. No need to disclose that you will be recording.

You are completely correct and/or designation means one or the other or both. You can do things without consulting the att y.

Sorry, L.P. I still think you need to stay away before her hatefulness causes you to have huge medical problem. I know how hard it is, it's your mom but, she has gone beyond beyond and you can not offer yourself as a sacrifice to her sociopath behavior any longer.
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Hi LPconfused,
Have you and your husband (or her attorney) ever considered recording all your conversations with your mother? I think as long as you inform her that you will be recording all conversations and phone calls that it would be perfectly legal. And always have your recording device visible and state that you are recording on the phone so that she can't claim you secretly recorded her...

Begin with a conversation explaining to her that you will be recording conversations (record this while you tell her). Then inform her that you are doing this because she has fallsly acused you of mistreating her on numerous occasions so you will be recording all your interactions from that point forward.

Then you will either have proof to share with doctors and law enforcement of how truly mentaly disturbed she is, or she will behave herself!
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Surprise: I have wondered what the deal was with her atty getting himself added as Co-POA the one and only time that I didn't go w mom to his office. He sd she wanted it and she sd that he was afraid that I would sell her house out from underneath her and kick her out! He has raised hell w my mom because I was trying to get some help w her from dr. He told mom to remind me he was on there as POA w me and that I had to run everything by him first! The POA says "and/or" between our names and I assumed that I could do things wo him, as well as him wo me? He sure wants me to believe that I have to let him know before I make any decisions.---Thank you so much!!
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I'm guessing the atty would love to be Co-POA with you because he could then charge a %fee every month without doing anything and leave it all in your lap. No. Resign POA with another attorney if you won't do it the cheap route of talking to the registrar at the courthouse.
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No, no no and NO, do not hold any kind of POA, you have every right and 1001 reasons to go no contact with this woman who gave birth to you. My own mommy dearest, you owe me, i gave you life! Nope, God gave me life, you have given me nothing but h**l. I never asked to be born, so I'm not buying that nor even renting it.

Yes, when despite or because of (only God knows) we grow up to be caring, compassionate, helpful, living, generous and ... adults, from parents that truly did not set that example to live by, it is the hardest thing in the world to say enough, I refuse to continue to let you take me places I would never go. My parents want to use me as the good, loving, helpful...daughter they raised (in their dreams) but still kick me in the heart, teeth, belly etc as they have always done. No way. I do help them but, on my terms. My dad just got told yesterday that all of his lies and manipulating has pushed me to the edge, he has 2 choices 1) I walk away and he becomes a ward of the state. 2) he stops pulling crap that he thinks will force my hand and get him what he wants or we go to #1. He was like, oh no kick me or yell at me when I'm doing that and I'll stop, really dad, it has taken 9 months of me telling, begging pleading, crying (never kicking, never) to get to option 1. You are not putting your actions in my lap, period! I'm thinking I will be walking away soon, the Obudsman told me that my dad can do whatever he wants and I have no say, okay good, cuz that is a 2 way street. He doesn't care what it costs me as long as he gets his own way. I am not willing to give him my very life's breath. I have spent 1000s of dollars on medical, because I was so stressed, I thought I was having heart attacks. Please withdraw before something happens.
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You know it is hard to walk away when you were raised to be compassionate, caring,
and to care how others feel. (However that happened I don't know). I realize she can't change, I have for a few yrs now, I just can't accept it I guess. I have always laughed and sd that I wouldn't have any peace until she was gone, if she didn't out live me! It isn't a joke anymore but hard to walk away. I look out the window and look at her house right behind me. Her attorney definitely only wants to share financial POA and not medical. He made that perfectly clear!

Thanks you guys. I pray for guidance and strength all the time. Til the next round.....
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By all means resign your POA - asap. Let the state deal with her - they have the authority and you do not.
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L.P., resigns your POA before she is declared incompetent or you could be stuck. As long as a judge has not declared her, she still holds all personal responsibility in her hands. Let her have it, do you want your husband to be a widower? Your kids to lose their loving, caring, kind, compassionate awesome mom? No? Then do it NOW! She no longer has the ability to change even if she had the desire. I know it is gut wrenching to see her a ward of the state, far better that then the gut wrenching lose your family will feel if you don't let her sleep in the bed she made.

My prayers are with you for strength to disconnect.
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Heart attack symptoms led you to block mthr's number. That's a great start! Now go down to the court house with your POA document and ask the register of deeds to help you write up a document resigning your POA. She will help or show you an example. Use it. Handwrite the document, have it notarized or what the registrar says, and pay the fee to have that document registered at the courthouse. Handwritten. Immediately while you are there. This way the attorney won't talk you out of it.

Your mother's attorney represents HER best interests, not yours. He has acted in her best interest by not helping you resign. Seriously, you need to resign, to stop trying to help. Her problem is beyond your ability. She needs a professional care facility, and she needs to be determined to be incompetent. Allow the state to take over her care so that she can't argue with anyone about what has or has not happened. My own mthr was narcissistic, and I completely understand how hard this is.
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You need to live a happy life with your loving husband and your children.

You are a good person and you deserve to be at peace!
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LP it hurts me to read about how you keep going back to your mom who either has mental illness or dementia (or both) and you expect her to act rationally. When she doesn't, you're surprised and hurt all over again. Your husband is the same.

Your mom isn't going to change - she's been hurtful and jealous of you your whole life. She is never going to agree to "behave" and stick to her agreements. She is never going to admit to treating you horribly and be consistent in that admission. She is never going to be a loving, mentally healthy mom. You need to get away from her permanently. She's NOT a loving mom and she never will be. That's hard to accept, I know, but if you don't, you're going to be hurt (mentally and now you have physical symptoms) over again and again. She will succeed in killing you if you continue to be her whipping boy.

Resign your POA, notify everyone in writing that you are done with her, walk away and don't look back. Let your other siblings help her or let the state help her. You need to live a happy life with your loving husband and your children. Get counseling if this is too difficult to implement on your own. Please let her go for your own sake! You are a good person and you deserve to be at peace!
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Mom refused to go to the nursing home because it was too expensive. She even denied telling her attorney that she wanted to go. Then, in true "mom-fashion", she told my husband that i was a "very pretty woman" and all I had to do was bat my eyes at the attorney and he would say or do whatever I asked! My husband agreed that I was pretty but informed mom that I wouldn't do that and he knew I wouldn't. Then he told her he was there w me. Mom back-peddled and sd "oh, I didn't know you were w her"! So, to answer Ceeceeisme, yes it took a few years but I believe she is jealous of me, period. She always lied and caused my dad and I to fight when he was alive, to the point of him dislocating my jaw one time. Another time, mom and dad were fighting and I mouthed-off to turn his attention on me and he knocked me on my butt! As I sit there on the steps crying, mom walked by, looked down at me and sd, "well, you deserved that "! I was hurt.

When we told her about going to the nursing home she denied saying that I wanted to hurt her, that she was scared of me or saying that I was stealing her money. I told her my children even told me the same things and she sd to prove it. Luckily my son walked in and he confirmed what I had said. She still denied. Then she stated that she just wanted me to come and just say "hi" to her once in a while. I told her I try to but we just argue. Hubby then sd I couldn't go around her alone because of her telling the sheriff that I threatened her and she was scared of me. He sd he wouldn't let me risk it happening again!When we went to leave I was upset and she demanded that my son hug her and then yelled at me to kiss her good-bye. That is her "thing" that makes everything ok in her mind. Of course I didn't.

So I took her a few groceries the other day and she started in on me and about not knowing we were "trying to put her in a home"! I reminded her that was what we talked about the other night. We had a few words and I asked her what she wanted? Bottom-line, what she wanted to do and if she truly believed that I threatened to hurt her? She sd if we waited 1 month we wouldn't need to worry about it because she didn't think she was going to last much longer. (She says that at least 3xs a week). And yes, she knows Ii threatened her. I told her I would not ever say or do that, then told her I was done w everything. She told me I needed to take a breath because my face was turning red. I left.

When I got home my left arm, chest and neck started hurting/burning worse than ever. I know if I don't do something she will be the death of me or dang close to it! So, I am still hurting whenever mom gets brought up in conversation or when I talk about her. I blocked her number so that I could have some peace.

So... I am still confused. Still want to get something done to help her. Still want to resign as POA. Oh, and still haven't heard a word from my sis after telling her that mom was all hers-doesn't surprise me, I guess.

Thanks again everyone, your advice and shared thoughts keep me going! I will post as things develop-hugs!
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Hi LP,

Everyone here has given such good advice, so I am going to give you another viewpoint to think about. I'm sure it may have, but did it occur to you that your mother is insanely jealous of your relationship with your husband? The way she said you could sh** and he'd still make excuses, I bet that's what she would love to have. Especially since she is clearly the type who hates to be alone. Just an observation, so every time she yells at you, you can possibly have some insight into where that's coming from. Though it's not at the point you are with your mother (her lying on you to authorities and such), I have the same type of narcissistic problems with mine. Right now, it's quiet because she has her own mate to be there for her. But God forbid if he has to leave, because he lives many states away. I agree with the others to release your POA no matter what anyone's saying. It's easy to decide about it in your mind, but harder when other entities come into play and they will sway you in directions you didn't plan. Things will become hazy at this point and it's hard to stay focused on your goal. That's what can keep us caught up very easily. But just remember; if you do relinquish the POA part, you won't have to deal with the legality parts, only the personal parts of being her daughter. And this way, you can control the outcome of how far you'll go with her. "God" luck to you. You sound like a wonderful person and you have done all you could do!
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It's hard when you (general "you") commit to a tough course and something happens that makes you considering changing direction, isn't it? It's happened to me too. A few questions for you to consider, since this a new situation. If you're successful in getting your Mom to a nursing facility, what will your new role be if you keep the POAs? I would hope it'd make it easier for you, though I'll bet you'll still be a verbal punching bag for her. If Mom refuses to go to a nursing facility are you committed to resigning the POAs? I'm sure your mind is spinning. I agree with SueC above. I wish I had something better than questions for you. Take care.
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LP,
So, after speaking to the lawyer, are you able (and going to) revoke your POA?

Don't count on your sister to do anything. Her 20 year absence speaks volumes.

If your mother wants to go to a nursing home, let her go. If she's not happy there REFUSE to let back on your property. Find another facility ASAP.

The library in my area has a Senior Living and Services booklet behind the counter at the front desk. There are many options for senior living.

The less you have to do with this woman, the better. Don't give in to guilt! You'll only be hurting yourself.
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Thank you everyone. I came back from the attrny. not as relieved as I had hoped. He had spoken w mom & she had informed him that she wanted to go to a nursing home. He sd he didn't know what to do & had reached the end of his rope w her as well. He asked what I thought about a care facility for a couple weeks, then see where we are at w her & how she feels? I just want her happy & healthy as possible (even tho I know that there are severe limits w that statement).
Next week is the soonest that someone from the facility can meet w mom. I haven't let her know yet, but intend to as soon as my courage is built up (today). I am not sure that I made a good decision when I didn't stick to my guns. I also haven't heard a word from my so-called sister, since I let her know that I was done and it was her turn!
Pray for me & hubby......til later....thanks again, I would not feel this strong without all of you!!
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Resign your POAs and let the state or your half-siblings take over. You've done your time and more. I'd also let the sheriff and hospital and everyone's who's been involved that you are no longer responsible or to be contacted regarding your mother. They must all be sick of her too. Hang in there - and let us know how you're doing. You've got our support!!
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Stick to your guns, that crazy bat will go to any depths to destroy you. No, as another poster said, is a full sentence.

Stay away, block her number what ever you have to to stop being her personal scratching post.
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Resign the POA and walk away - you are horribly abused by this poor excuse for a mother. I'm so sorry with all that you have put up with - and the death of your hopes for a good relationship with your mother.
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