If you live with the person you are caring for do you pay rent All the bills? Do you get paid?
Financial question... first question here. Without dragging out how and why this happened I'll try to make this short and still have it make sense. Basically, I am curious how others handle the finances. My husband and I live with and take care of my 66 yr old blind and autistic brother-in-law (think Kodi Lee or blind "Rain Man") and my 92 yr old mother-in-law. I have 2 sisters-in-law and they literally do nothing. Well, at one point one of them did come over on Sundays and take them out to lunch. We have had this overwhelming responsibility for 12.5 years! We at the time thought his mom was so sick she wouldn't live more than 2 yrs max. now yrs later here we are.
My health has suffered. I have fibromyalgia, I've had 7 surgeries including Borderline Ovarian Cancer. I am now 52. We have spent all of our energy, healthy sex life, a happy at home entertainment style with friends and my family to make them happy and to be able to stay at home... Now I am so resentful and angry I don't know how to go on. My MIL outlived her funds years ago and now we are down to near nothing. My SIL barged in last week and thinks we should be responsible for everything. Accused us of never paying for anything which is 100% untrue. We have always paid all the bills except for the mortgage. That was the agreement. We like so many others did not get anything official in writing because we are family and supposedly we were a close family that didn't need an attorney. 😭 Now I am floored! How much more can we do?!
For some reason SIL and MIL forget all that we have done and all we have sacrificed.
I realize talking about finances is taboo but I feel like I'm losing my mind. Please let me know what your arrangements are or have been. I feel every emotion possible. Like I'm losing my mind. I'm rambling. Thank you in advance for thoughts, experience, feedback etc.
22 Answers
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- Should I charge my mother rent?
- Which do you think is more expensive? Raising a child (without health issues) or having a live in parent (with health issues)?
- Does a parent have to be on Medicaid in order for a child to receive pay for care?
- I need to pull up my big girl socks and ask my mom for rent, but I haven't the nerve. How do I approach this issue?
I'll tell you what my ex-husband's arrangements are with his parents, and I'll say which I think are good and which I think aren't good.
1) Ex was being paid by his parents and might still be. Good. (He was doing work, for which he should be paid.)
2) Ex is being paid cash by his parents. Not good. (Ex probably was hiding some of the money before and during our divorce.)
3) Ex does not have a caregiver agreement. Not good. (Without an agreement, the money paid to him above a certain amount, whether in cash or not in cash, would be considered a divestment for Medicaid purposes.)
4) Ex does not pay rent or contribute to other household expenses. Good. (For Medicaid purposes, ex's payments might be considered gifts to his parents.)
If not for this in-home care, ex's parents would have to reside in long-term care facilities. The costs would be much higher for that than what they are paying my ex and the free room and board they are providing to him.
I have other concerns about the situation, but they have to do with other than the financial arrangements.
Who is going to fund your retirement?
Why isn't your MIL on Medicaid? Does she collect Social Security?
Isn't your blind autistic BIL getting SSDI? Isn't he eligible for placement in a group home?
I think I'd start planning on moving out quite soon.
My MIL gets Social Security, it doesn't cover her mortgage.
Medicaid won't accept her because she has the house as an asset.
Thank you for your response.
You pay all the bills except the mortgage.
Your mother in law has outlived her funds.
"We" are down to near nothing
And what about BIL's income, he must have some sort of entitlement to support?
There are conflicting statements in your post; this isn't a criticism, it's just that to me it sounds as if there has just been a huge row/shouting match and perhaps no one was actually trying to get the numbers down on paper?
Because I think that would be a useful first step. You all of you need to come up with a plan. No good saying "keep emotions out of it" because it's ALL highly emotive; but the crucial thing is where to go next, and to make sense of that you need to see what you've got to work with.
And Dearest Husband is where in all this? Out at work? Hiding in his shed?
My SIL says we have never paid for anything. But we have. The entire time we've been here. "We" is my husband and I. Husband works full time. However, he doesn't like conflict so doesn't help when it comes time to communicate with the family. So he is kind of in his shed. ;)
It maybe time to say that if they don't like the arrangement, they can take over Mom's and brothers care. You have done ur share.
I would, if Mom passes, no longer care for BIL. A place can be found for him, like a group home. Stress can cause all kinds of health problems. Time to take care of yourself.
I'm my mothers primary care taker, working full time and 3yrs short of being able to retire with insurance. I've wondered if Mom insurance would pay me if and when I would have to stay home with her full time before my retirement. Now she don't trust anyone outside her children, to stay with her.(I'm the only one in the state) Right now she's able to stay home by herself until I get home. I think we got the NO COOKING ON THE STOVE rule down packed...for right now😅
Praying for you all!!!
What's funny about this-vsince this is the first time I've reached out here -as I'm replying to everyone's opinions and advice I am starting to "hear" myself.
I believe in the power of prayer. I thank you for yours.
#1 Bless you and your husband.
You have taken on responsibilities because in your hearts, it was the right thing to do.
There is a company named Medical Insights which pays family members for working with their family members. Let them know Vernita referrred you.
If you contact Baker-Ripley or Catholic Charities there are other support programs of all sorts.
Praying for you all.
The burden seems heavy. Take time for yourself. Set your mother inlaw up with Medicaid caregivers as well.
Me, I would place them both in a home, and restart my life. No need to continue this charade.
Since she has a mortgage I will assume that there will be nothing left when she dies, then what do you do? Time to start putting you and your husband first.
Start planning to get out of this mess. Take care of you!
As to payment. That is quite insane to my mind. I do agree with those who suggest you pay for one hour of elder law attorney type to run this past. The BIL must have some sort of funds, and that should be used with him the "subject". I am assuming you are the POA?
Now as to Sister in Law. Is this the first she is problematic? In all this time? If so I would ask her over. I would be grey rock here (google "going grey rock"). I would not be tricked into argument or explosions of anger. I would tell her you will begin speaking and will speak uninterrupted and then it will be her turn and you will listen. I would say exactly what you said above. What you have done. What you do do. Then I would say that you would love now to have a real life, and to pursue placement of your MIL and BIL so you can have some quality of life before you die. I would tell her that if you do stay the payment of mortgage and bills now will come out of the finances left in MIL and BIL, and that you will go to an attorney to accomplish this. I would suggest that if SIL is not happy with this that she seek guardianship. She can when she wins this take the MIL and BIL into her care, or place them; that you will be very happy to move on with your lives at that point. OR, she can request of the court that MIL and BIL become wards of the state and placed by the state.
To my mind, if you are doing all the care you should not be paying rental OR utilities and should in fact have any financial help your family can manage if there are any funds they can spare (that last was to give you a laugh at the end of this).
Now. The choices here really are this. Are you going to continue to sacrifice your own lives in the care of the two? And your health. Go to an early grave with one or both of them left behind?
Where does your husband fit in here in the care of his mother and brother? Is he also hands on or is he working most of the time.
I cannot imagine what you have taken on. I could not for a single second of my life do this. I am so sorry.
My husband works full time plus. However, MIL likes him to be the one to take her to the doctor and any other errands. He feels he should be there at all times for her no matter what. Don't get me wrong we have a good marriage regardless. Of course it was better before but I would never want to be without him. So, therein lies my issue. I have left for a few days here and there but I yes, choose to be with him. But, I am now at a crossroads. So sad.
This is the first time I've reached out to this forum. I appreciate how many people have responded.
I appreciate you taking the time to reply
I am sorry you no longer have your mom. My mom passed away 2 years ago this Friday and unfortunately know how it feels.
Bless you
We asked SIL to come over and make sure MIL and BIL would be ok. She sent her husband over to roll the trash cans out.
MIL insisted she didn't need help. Blows my mind. We came home and she was out of everything and the kitchen and bathroom were a mess.
Thank you for your reply
Thank you for your reply.
Contact an elder lawyer, they should be able to help....
There wasn't a home that would accept him when we looked back in the early 2000's.
I did call his
I just fell out of my chair. Wow! I had been caring for my parents for 12.5 years (my father died in December), and only moved in for a max of 2 years due to their health. Like many of the immortals (people who live to their 90s and 100s) they are out living their savings.
When the Princess (my younger sister and their favorite) told me I should be paying rent since I lived with them 24/7, I told her the live-in staff on Downton Abbey do not pay room and board.
She is worried she will not be inheriting a lot of money. I have already stopped the habit of the oldsters giving her a check whenever she came by. Even though she works less than ten minutes away, her visits are usually only once a month for 1-2 hours. She comes in unannounced, think a SWAT team no knock raid, to complain, guilt trip, or use the parents as emotional tampons. Yes, my mother still wants her to have a key so she feels welcome anytime.
I keep very details records where every dollar has gone. I cannot stress enough to have a good paper trail. Already told my sister that the savings are running out due to low interest rates and high medical expenses. I think my sister is going to be surprised to learn her half of the estate is very little. $2 divided by 2 is $1.
I also am dealing with my late father's rental property. Before anyone starts thinking that is a great income source, he liked to fix up cheap houses in mill towns that he bought at auction. Currently, I have one of the last ones for sell for $15K. Yes, there are livable houses that cheap in the South.
At 68, my health is declining from the stress of caring for a 94-year old nagging hag. Also, for entertainment and money, I have start the Swedish Death Cleanse at the house. My dead Dad's stuff, my Mothers stuff, and my stuff. My mother likes to tell me the history of the things she and Daddy acquired during their 70 years of marriage.
Keep trying to survive. The most critical relatives are the ones who will not help. Also, work on your exit plan. I will be escaping in 2 years. The assets will be liquid, and the current house will be completely ready to sell. My Mother will be put in a home when she needs that level of care.
I do have records. I will organize them so they make better sense.
Thank you for your reply.