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I’m always intrigued by the postings on this site.



There are various opinions by posters on how issues should be handled. Everyone brings something to the table. Some we agree with wholeheartedly. Some responses may even make us cringe a bit.



No matter how we feel about the responses given on this site, most of the responses to the inquiries are enlightening in some way.



As most of you know, I was a caregiver for both of my parents, as well as my oldest brother for awhile.



My longest stint as a caregiver by far was for my mother. She lived in our home for 14 years. She died at age 95.



I feel as if I did the best that I could, considering that I didn’t have any frame of reference. It was certainly the toughest job that I have ever had.



I am not sure if I would have ever considered being a full time caregiver for my mother had it not been due to extenuating circumstances. I had no idea how difficult it would become.



I wish that I would have had the foresight to only make my mother’s stay with us temporary and then helped care for her by placing her in a facility.



Some people never want to place their parents or spouse in a facility and I absolutely respect their decision. I truly hope that they are able to care for their family members adequately and that they take breaks when needed. All caregivers need breaks from time to time.



Those who place family members in facilities are done out of love and necessity. They are still caring for their parents by being their advocate. They visit, bring necessities and treats to them and so on.



I believe that many people in need do not want to burden their families. They are in need of care. They are afraid of what lies ahead for them. They are going from being an independent person to a person who now has to rely on others.



It’s a tough adjustment for anyone to realize that they must depend on others for care. Of course, there are always exceptions and certainly some parents have always expected too much from their children.



So, I thought it would be an interesting conversation with caregivers and former caregivers to flip our circumstances. What characteristics in a caregiver would you like to see if you were the one in need?

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What an interesting question. As many have mentioned, reliable, trustworthy, knowledgeable, patience….all those things that go without saying. However, I found with my mom that a caregiver that has the right personality or the ability to understand the needs of the patient is key. My mom was shy, introverted and did not like to be forced to do anything she did not want to do. Caregivers that talked a lot, pushed her out of her comfort zone and were loud, energetic
personalities drove her crazy. Those personalities would have been fantastic for someone that was comfortable socially.

Finding caregivers that compliment that situation would be high on my list among the things others have mentioned,
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2023
You bring up a very important point. A caregiver has to be a good fit for the individual needs of the person.

Thanks so much for this response.
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Needhelp: I think your question is directed to me. No, I'm not a case worker or a social worker. I'm in the "end user" group. I've had mixed experiences both with case workers and social workers. I'm glad your experiences with social workers have been positive.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2023
Yeah, I agree that there are good and bad workers in all professions.
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Geaton,

I know that you have tons of experience in the caregiving field and I respect that. Thank you for responding to my posting.

Your response reminded me of something that I would like to share.

After many years of caring for my mother, I came to this forum and was told that I needed to take a break on a regular basis.

I was so grateful to have some time off when the caregivers came to our home. I appreciated the caregivers who came so very much.

My favorite caregiver was a young woman, in her thirties who had lost her mother as a child. Even as a child she had enormous compassion for her mother.

I truly believe that she went into caregiving because of her loss so early in her life. She was 6 years old when her mother died.

Her heart was devoted to caregiving. She told me that she was devastated to lose her mother so young and that she was so happy that she could help others care for their moms. It wasn’t just a ‘job’ for her. She truly cared about the people she cared for.

She had great caregiving skills and was so very kind to my mother. My mother loved her for being so compassionate and patient with her. Mom moved so slowly due to her Parkinson’s disease and this young woman never rushed her.

Mom and I were truly blessed to have this wonderful woman caring for her.

I told this young woman that if she ever needed a reference for a job to please list me.

I suppose that it is rare to see someone who truly loved being a caregiver. Lord knows, that caregiving is a tough job!
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First of all: this is a great thread; allows me to "center" some of my thoughts as to what is acceptably expected of a caregiver. I want to ask a couple of questions, though, within this question. If it seems like I'm "hijacking" the thread, in another direction, my advance apologies. If people feel this to be the case I'll probably post a new question. Here goes:

1) To what degree does the term "caregiver" encompass "social worker" and "case worker"? (The two job titles sometimes overlap, but not always).

2) In addition to the positive attributes most commonly mentioned so far for caregivers, i.e. treating patients with dignity, compassion, honesty, competency, having a sense of humor* etc., are there any other "ideal" qualities that would apply to social workers and case workers? If so, what would be high on your list(s)?

* I'd like to think that I have a good sense of humor & I recently told someone that in my senior residence the no. 1 trait I value in others here is that they laugh at my jokes. Having said that, as far as what would be a "good" caregiver, having a nice sense of humor (or any sense of humor for that matter) is nowhere on my list of desired traits. Humor can be very subjective. If someone is kind, compassionate and competent, I really don't give a darn if they have no sense of humor about anything, (or if every "joke" I tell falls flat). This is about as important to me as what color socks they wear.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2023
I posted this question and it doesn’t bother me if you would like to ask another question.

I’m not rigid about topics staying perfectly on track.

Detours can be interesting and often one topic will lead to another one.

I am curious. Are you a caseworker?

What relationship have you experienced with caseworkers?

I have had good experiences with social workers. In fact, a social worker told me about this forum.

I spoke with social workers when caring for my mom, dad and brother. Overall, they were very helpful and supportive.

I have found hospice social workers to be incredibly supportive and compassionate.

I went to an ‘in person’ caregiver support group that was led by a social worker. She was terrific!

I want a social worker who is organized, knowledgeable about what services are available for me. I want someone who is compassionate. Mainly, I want guidance on what steps to take to navigate the road that I am traveling on at the moment.
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Thank you for your thoughtful question. And thank you for the way you formatted your post. It makes it easier to read and digest, very helpful in absorbing all that you stated.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2023
You’re very welcome. I try!
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Competence in the task they were hired for, for my mom that meant the ability to safely transfer, bathe, dress and feed her. I've mentioned before the caregiver who had a lot of weird little accidents that could have easily been explained away, but when I asked for someone else there were no more accidents. Plus that same caregiver tried to strong arm me to change our schedule for her convenience, as much as I sympathized it wasn't my problem to solve and I liked the schedule as it was.

Oh, and I hated the nurses who showed up in unprofessional clothes (jeans or capris, random t shirts and flip flops) and often didn't immediately identify themselves - my first impression when greeting them at the door was uh, who are you and what are you selling?
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BurntCaregiver Mar 2023
I completely agree about what they show up in, cwillie. Even when I worked private duty cases for myself, I always wore scrubs and closed-toe shoes or sneakers. I insist on this from my employees too. Everyone also wears a photo ID at all times.
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I love all of these answers!
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Respectful!
As some mentioned it is frustrating for my husband and even more for me when they treat him like he does not understand.
Just because he has Parkinson’s, no dementia, people make assumptions.
Many, not just caregivers refer only to me. I just stare and in frosty voice ask: ( and that is putting it politely) Why don’t you talk to him?
A person in pain using walker might appear that way, that is no excuse. How we refer to handicapped or people with mobility issue is just not acceptable.
Recently we were in Mexico for one month and people over there treat handicapped so much better, normal and with full respect, there is even more handicapped accessible places! Every restaurant, corner store, every person would help, bus driver, waiters running to the door!
I am ranting but I am fighting this.
So for me if caregiver shows disrespect, not much matters.
As for me, if I get dementia I hope Canada will have MAID -medical assistance in dying figured out by next year for mentally ill.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2023
I truly agree with your sentiments. This goes back to what Gershun said. ‘Allowing a person to have their dignity means so very much.’
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No caregivers who smoke or do drugs. No caregivers who drink on the job. No driving violations. Needs to pass a background check.

In addition to all the other good qualities mentioned, a caregiver needs to be able to roll with the punches! Because every single day will present a new challenge, and that's a fact.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2023
Great points!
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Skilled. Honest. Reliable. Kind.
All the normal things you hope to find in any human being for any job.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2023
Yes!
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For me the number one thing I would want from a caregiver is a good work ethic. Do what you're supposed to be doing. I never believed that anyone on a job should ever have to "look busy". If you've completed your work and it's done right, at that point it should be fine to read a book, watch tv, have a coffee, whatever. I also think that a worker should only do the job they're being paid to do. Many times in caregiving work the worker gets taken advantage of by their agency or the family who employs them.
Be respectful. With me, I don't care if the caregiver isn't the warmest or best conversationalist in the world. I would rather have someone who can be trusted then someone smiling and cooing at me while they slide the rings off my fingers.
If I've got dementia (God forbid, I'd rather be dead and hope I will be), I'd want a caregiver who will force me if needs be to get showered or even washed up and have my diaper changed. If I still have teeth in my mouth, they will make sure they are cleaned at least once a day. Like I always did for my clients. Iknow first hand from being a caregiver what being dirty and left in one's own mess can do to a person and all the problems it can cause.
In short, I think I'd want someone exactly like me taking care of me.
Good work ethic
Honest and trustworthy
Competent
Will make sure the client is properly taken care of the same as I made sure my clients were properly taken care of.
I would want someone who knows the difference between what a client wants and what they need because often the two are not the same thing.
This is what I would want.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2023
Someone who will to provide the best care for us. I agree.
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NeedHelpWithMom, for me, having a sense of humor is #1 on my list for a caregiver. Next would be knowledgeable about my health issues. Then, being reliable.

My Dad had wonderful regularly scheduled caregivers for his 1st shift. One weekdays, the other weekends. Both had a sense of humor. One was like a Mama Bear when it came to whomever rang the door bell or telephoned Dad. The other was a wonderful cook from scratch person, such excellent meals for Dad, and she made enough to freeze for the weekday caregiver to use.

One of the caregivers mentioned that Dad's memory was starting to fail so it might be time to think about senior living, which surprised me. Apparently when I was around, Dad would be "show timing" which is a term I wasn't familiar with at the time.

The thought that this caregiver would know her job would end once Dad was moved to senior living, she got high marks from me :) But Dad was able to have her come with him to Independent Living [he wasn't ready for Memory Care as per the facility], thus in morning he would wake up to her smiling face, giving Dad a routine. She work shorter hours 7 a.m. to 1 p.m. Then she found afternoon work for a resident at the same senior facility. It was a win-win both for Dad, and for her. Plus the weekend caregiver also was able to come to the facility.

Even when Dad eventually moved over to Memory Care, both caregivers were able to come with him. Dad had saved for such "rainy days" expenses, so that was a great help.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2023
FF,

Absolutely! I adore a good sense of humor.
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I like what Geaton said. I would be a b***h to work for. I pride myself on my work ethic. My bosses got their moneys worth with me. I was not one of those people who cleared their desks off at 4:55 and out the door at 5pm. If I needed 5 min to finish up something, I stayed. I remember an OP posting that the aides were ruining her rug when they bathed the OPs LO. She asked them to please stop. I think she also asked them to please put the wet towels in the laundry room. Her request fell or deaf years. Me, those aides would have been fired. I am easy to get along with and I believe in compromises and I respect what these aides do but...when push comes to shove, I am ur employer.
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BurntCaregiver Mar 2023
@JoAnn
Me too. It's all about good work ethic with me. I did caregiving a long time. I never tolerated abusive behavior from my clients. Or tantrums, instigating, fussiness, or stubborness.
I was a good caregiver though. Nobody ever had to tell me common sense like don't leave wet towels on the floor. Most people know that you have to hang up a wet towel otherwise it will start to stink and then get moldy. Someone with no common sense is not someone I'd want working for me.
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- experienced and knowledgable about dementia/memory loss of whatever illness the patient has. Is caregiving because they like/love doing it. It's not just a gig.

- wise, mature, calm, compassionate

- respectful, good people skills, good communicator

- reliable, responsible, doesn't have to be told things twice (like: don't be on your phone every other minute); honest

- problem-solver, self-governing

- teachable

- flexible

Having hired and fired employees for 35+ years in our business, these are the qualities we always looked for after they met the other primary criteria for an interview. All other qualifications being equal, these are the characteristics that would move someone to the top of our list.
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bundleofjoy Mar 2023
"- wise, mature, calm, compassionate"

i would fail in the wisdom department. but i'm trying to improve.
:)
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I hope I go first and hope I go quickly , but If my husband predeceases me I plan to have a fiduciary handle my money and I plan to hire an advocate to help in making my life decisions. I have one daughter. I don’t want her involved in any decision making or caregiving in my old age. I’d rather rely on outside assistance. My daughter can visit as much or as little as she would want. I don’t want her resenting having to take care of me, which is how I am feeling now in my present situation.
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Fawnby Mar 2023
Where would you find a fiduciary and advocate? Any recommendations?
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Turning in now Need. Good night!
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2023
I drank too much coffee earlier but I am going to bed soon too. Goodnight.
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I here you about people talking to you instead of your mom. I used to hate that cause for the most part my mom still had her wits about her and it hurt me to see people do that. Once mom and I were out and a lady turned to me and said "It's so nice that your mom still gets out, does she enjoy it?" I replied, "ask her, she's right here"

I guess people mean well but should maybe think before they speak sometimes.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2023
I suppose that’s what it is. Perhaps they do mean well, but it makes an older person either feel forgotten or feel like they are a child.
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Good question Need. I like you don't ever want to be a burden. Even now recovering from my broken foot I've had to lean on my DH. I'm definitely not comparing this to the needs of someone elderly with horrible physical and mental limitations, don't get me wrong. But I have to say it's eye opening to see how it feels to need someone to do for me when I'm so used to doing for myself. It's not a feeling I'm comfortable with. For the most part my DH has been gracious about it but I also see where he gets impatient at times and it's kind of demoralizing to be honest.

So to answer your question I would want someone to be honest with me on how they were feeling about being my caregiver. I would rather someone look me in the eye and say "you know, sometimes this really sucks" than to see them roll their eyes or whine about it to other people within earshot. I'd want someone to give me as much of my independence as I could handle. Kindness, a belief in God are two of the biggest qualities I'd look for. You can't fake that. You either have it or you don't. If you aren't prepared to be patient you probably shouldn't be a caregiver. Yes, I know sometimes it's not a choice.

Dignity was very important for my mom. She would never have stood for having her butt wiped by me or any of my siblings. I feel the same. If I'm ever that far gone, transition me into a nursing facility or hire someone but don't degrade me or yourself with the alternative.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2023
Gershun,

I totally agree with desiring a caregiver to be honest with me. That’s what I meant when I said that I would want a caregiver that I could easily communicate with.

If someone doesn’t communicate with us, how can any issues that arise get resolved?

Yes, kindness and compassion goes a long way. Having the ability to see how the person that they are caring for feels.

I felt similar to you with your foot and relying on your husband when I broke my arm. I had to have my husband hook my bra. LOL 😆

My favorite part of your reply to my question though is the mentioning of dignity. How true!

There were times when my mom would say to me that she felt forgotten because she was old. It always broke my heart to hear her say that. Oh, at times she certainly had a right to feel that way.

She had asked me to accompany her in the doctor’s office. I would sit in the waiting room to give her some privacy.

My mother insisted that there wasn’t anything that she wouldn’t want me to hear and that she wanted me there in case she didn’t understand something.

When I saw that she needed me, I no longer felt as if I was invading her privacy and went into the doctor’s office with her.

The doctor stopped talking to my mother and addressed me with all of his questions. I had to tell him that my mother was sitting right there and to please ask her and not me.

This was years before her dementia set in. His behavior made my mother feel ignored. When he retired I found a lovely doctor that spoke directly to my mother.

I love your response to this question.
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This is a heavy topic for many of us.

I decided long ago that I definitely do not want my children to care for me should I ever be in need of care.

I would definitely want a caregiver whether it’s in a facility or at home to be capable of doing the job adequately. That’s number one for me.

I would also appreciate compassion and having a caregiver who I could easily communicate with.

Equally as important, I would want someone who is reliable and trustworthy.

It’s very sad that caregivers aren’t paid well. Many are appreciated by their families or employers. Others are not. Sometimes they are taken for granted. We need our caregivers.
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