Is there any help out there for a caregiving wife? I weigh approx. 115 lbs. and he is approx.185 lbs. and can't walk. I seriously cannot handle him.

Too much, you cannot handle all of this, time to make some changes in your life.

You don't say what is wrong with your husband so I really can't offer any solid solutions.

Your mother, well, might be time for her to go into AL, take some of ythe load off of you.

Time to place DH. Go to an elder lawyer and have ur assets split. DHs split going to his care and when almost gone, apply for Medicaid. You stay in the home, have enough money to live on and a car.

You cannot care for 2 people. Since he is the worst of 2 evils, he goes.😊

You say that your (second) husband is 70 years old, is hard to handle physically, is verbally abusive, and “its just getting worse by the day”. That’s on top of the results of his ‘brain bleed/ stroke’. If he “can’t walk”, you are waiting on him hand and foot.

If you don’t separate, this is the rest of your life, laid out for you to see. On top of that, it sounds as though you have more love for your mother than for this man, and that he is a part of your problem of feeling alienated from your family.

See a divorce lawyer for advice first, then go ahead giving your own life priority. That’s the “help” you almost certainly need right now. If you have joint bank accounts, open one in your own name and split the balance – joint accounts are often cleaned out immediately when divorce is first mentioned.

This is all too much - physically and mentally. You need a serious break from it all. What is possible? What do YOU want?

You need 2 strong people to turn him. Your back cannot take that punishment. First ask for a PT evaluation for your ability to turn him safely if possible. Otherwise it may be time to place him

Time to place both your husband and mother into a facility.

Check the coronavirus community level in your area. Your mother requires professional help and medication for her anxiety of coronavirus, can be via Zoom. Does or can she have her updated booster vaccines to keep her out of the hospital? If not, contact her doctor to get protection.

He sounds tremendously ungrateful and your role is nurse/servant. You matter. I’m a Caregiving wife too. Although my DH is a kind sweetheart, he also refuses to even minimally remain active to maintain mobility. We’ve had many a hard talk that when he’s no longer mobile (as in your case) AL will be his reality. The size difference of physically 126lb vs 220lbs. is impossible to lug him around. My back and rotator cuff are fried already. It’s heartbreaking but that’s where we are.

My best advice is to please plan an exit for yourself. Tuck away your share of funds discreetly and consult an attorney. You say he is not mobile so I would imagine calling an ambulance to transport him to ER would be the way to eventually transition him to a facility that is equipped with skilled professionals to meet his needs. Be ready for his wrath, social worker pressure with lofty promises for home care help, etc…. Insist home is not safe for him anymore. You’ve done more than enough and earned some peace.

If he can’t walk have him placed in long term nursing home . Then you won’t have to deal with the abuse either in your home. Call your local dept of aging or elders ( different regions call it something different ) to have a social worker help you with placement of your husband in a facility and Medicaid process if needed to pay for it . By me the dept of aging is a county service. Check your county website . You may also need an eldercare lawyer to help you through the financials and Medicaid process and possibly divorce .

You don’t mention what your Mom’s situation is , whether or not you need help taking care of her or can’t take care of her. Does she live with you as well ?

Someone needs placed...either your mom and / or your husband. Too much going on and if you go down, so does everyone else.

There are choices here. You can place both your husband and your mother in a care facility. Or hire in-home caregivers. I think your best bet based on what you've said would be placement for both of them. There are also landscapers who can do your yard work and housekeepers who can do your housework.

Like all things in this life, nothing is going to be free. If you own your home may have to sell it and move somewhere smaller. You may have to get by on less income if your husband is placed. You may have to get a job to bring in money to pay for your expenses.

There are choices out there for you. The way you're living now does not have to be the only life you can have.

My heart aches for you as I read this. There is no way you can safely take full responsibility for your husband, unfortunately. Start with an elder care attorney to discuss your options. My attorney was wonderful and incredibly helpful. A consult is not terribly expensive and was worth way more than I paid. I'm praying for you, Christine, that God will guide you on to a path that is doable and give you wisdom as you make these hard decisions.

I see from your profile that you even called the police and got your husband jailed. (Then you dropped the charges).

If it's gotten to the point that you had to jail your husband ---- you need to get a divorce. Yesterday.

The only reason I can imagine that you continue to live with him, is financial. You feel you need to be in that house, and your Mom benefits too, since she lives there too. They (husband, Mom) need to hire caregivers, but I guess they have no money, otherwise you would have hired already. The fact that your children hate you, means something is very wrong ---- adult children aren't that easily manipulated to the point of hating a parent, unless something wrong happened.

1. I hope you can smoothen things out with your children asap.
2. I suggest you get a divorce.

The help out there has to start with you deciding you will not live like you currently are anymore and having the courage to make big changes. No matter your husband’s health situation, there is never an excuse for verbal abuse and for you to even attempt to provide a level of care on your own that exceeds the capabilities of any one person. This isn’t your fault. My mother survived a devastating stroke, there was never a question of us being able to provide the level of care she required as she was a complete, two person assist for everything. Please see a lawyer, do not say where you’re going, not a peep, and also call your local Area Agency on Aging for a needs assessment for both husband and mom. Tell the AAA in plain language that you cannot continue in this situation. If necessary, when husband next lashes out, call 911 and have him transported to hospital, and once there tell every staff member there is no one at home to provide the care he requires. I’m sorry for your pain in this and hope you’ll one day soon be coming back to tell us how you gathered the courage to make changes. I wish you peace

I've been caring for my bedridden husband for 10 years and my mom (after she got a stroke) for 3 years. They both are with me. Not easy. Our psychiatrist helped a lot with verbal abuse from my husband (it was part of the dementia progress). Michael feels much better on his daily medications. Regarding mobility issues, the hospital bed does help. We had to move overseas back to the US recently, having wheelchairs only. It was a very hard trip. My son and I carried Michael into the seat and out with our hands. I'm thinking of a patient lift to get my heavy and uncooperative husband from the bed to the wheelchair and then to the car to get him to his doctor.

I cared for my Husband at home for many years. (he was a big guy..6'4" and 275)
I had equipment provided by Hospice that enabled me to SAFELY care for him. At first I had a Sit To Stand then as he declined I had to transition to a Hoyer Lift.
If caring for him is not safe for you or if it is not safe for him the best thing to do would be to find Memory Care facility for him. This is not an easy decision but if something happens to you while you are trying to care for him who will care for both of you?
The other side of this is if your husband is getting abusive it might be time to place him. In some cases it is the start of getting physically abusive. With dementia normal filters for acceptable behaviors can drop so someone that was never abusive before may lash out.
If placing him in Memory Care is not an option I suggest that you get caregivers in to help you. Even 3 days a week for 5 or 6 hours will help you a lot.
If your husband is a Veteran the VA may provide some help. And to help you out ore the VA can now pay spouses to care for the Veteran.

My husband fell out of bed and was half asleep and groggy from meds. I tried to get him into bed and screwed up both of my shoulders and I am in pain every day even with injections. What about toileting? If your husband has alienated the whole family, it might be time to have a talk with them about his dementia and explain that you are not the one at fault. The verbal abuse will only get worse as the disease progresses. If he still has upper body strength, you might need to take other precautions to keep safe. Everything he can get his hands on can be a weapon - not to mention what his hands could do to you if he got angry enough. I hope you are open to some of the advice that other caregivers have offered. If money is an issue for assisted living, Look into your state's requirements for Medicaid and what the exemptions are. Just keep in mind: What happens to all of you if you get sick or incapacitated? I hope you have all of the Power of Attorneys in place for both of them.

The help you can get depends on the amount of money you have. If very low income, you might get a few hours a week of care for him and/or your mom by way of Medicaid programs. If you have income or savings to toss toward his care, it's time to use it. Sounds like asking family to participate in his care isn't going to happen.

If he's not walking just because he had an issue that made him too weak to walk, then ask his doctor to get you some in-home physical and occupational therapy to start working on lower and upper body strengthening. Perhaps with a little exercise he could transfer to a bedside toilet or to a wheel chair to get out of bed.

You might contact family anyway and ask if they can just help you with things that don't pertain to his care - yard work - to help YOU not him. Also might be time for you to have a fake back injury (before you really have one) to 1) pay for home health...in the event he's being a tightwad with the money or to 2)tell him he has to go to facility care for a while while you recover (and he can attend the exercise classes there to get himself in better shape).

Any chance that all three of you could go to a multi level care facility? Mom and you might do ok in assisted living apartment/housing while hubby might need higher level of care. Everyone would still be in close proximity but you'd get the help you need for hubs. Again, that all might depend on income

Time for facility care!

I, too, have had a brain aneurysm just like your husband. Fortunately for me, and through lots and lots of prayers, I have regained 100% of my health.

DO NOT allow your husband to verbally abuse you regardless of whether he’s ill or not, and you should follow the advice that’s given to you here on this forum. It sounds like your husband has psychological problems and he’s taking out his frustration on you. You need to walk away from this abusive situation before you become ill and then there won’t be anyone to take care of you. You are worthy to have peace in your life.

christine3: Perhaps your DH (Dear Husband) requires managed care facility living, else you injure yourself. You've more than a plateful.

OP never replied after so many people kindly offered solutions, empathy. (I realize many OPs never reply, but it surprises me every time...). How can one ask a question and not bother saying "thanks"..."thanks for your time replying"...?

@Need

Those are all excuses.

I didn't in any way suggest, "talking about it". I said, I'm surprised every time, when OPs can't be bothered to say "thanks for your time replying"...

That takes literally 5 seconds.
ONE message from OP to everyone, saying, "Thanks for your time replying."