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I took care of my mother (very ill) and her husband with dementia for years and the last three were horrific. I begged and begged for help from anyone and everyone. I finally got him to his daughter and my mother into a facility. She passed in January. I thought "I can get on with my life soon". Nope. Breast cancer. I couldn't get checked (I tried) when I first found the lump because every appointment day there was another crisis and I would have to cancel. I now am in their home that HAS to be cleaned out and sold and I get nothing. No insurance nothing. And now I have nowhere to go, no one to help me during treatment so I'm not going to. My question is... does anyone know of a place to call for help or a place to go other than a nursing home? I don't need that yet. If I had help while being treated I might consider it but without help, all alone how does that work? I was abandoned by all of my "so-called friends" while caring for my mother because I couldn't ever keep plans or even really make plans. So, NO ONE.

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I am so sorry you are going through all of this.

First if you are not getting anything in regards to inheritance of the house etc I suggest you just stop cleaning and clearing out the house. Take what you want as a remembrance of your mother and say f--k it to the rest. You already gave up emough of your life no need to keep doing it.

Second the American cancer society has resources for help when going through treatments. For example they can give you rides to chemo. I would call them and see if they have other help and resources for you.
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This is from a resource book I have.

The American Cancer Society 800- 227-2345
www.cancer.org.
Nationwide, community-based voluntary health organization devoted to defeating cancer through research, support and advocacy.

American Institute for Cancer Research 800-843-8114
www.aicr.org
This organization funds research and gives people practical tools and information to help them prevent and survive cancer.

CancerCAre, Inc 800-813-4673
www.cancercare.org
Provides free, professional support services to help all affected to cope with and manage the emotional and practical challenges arising from cancer. offers counseling, support groups, education, publications, workshops and financial assistance.

Check your local Area Agency on Aging and see if you qualify for services.
Check local Senior Center, many have Social Workers that can help you find services that might be of help.

AND....you need support of friends. Begin to reconnect with people that you have not been able to keep in contact with.
I have said that one of the things you need to do when you are a caregiver is to take care of yourself. One of the other things that you need to know how to do , and this is difficult...
ASK for help and
ACCEPT help.
People want to help but quite often they do not know what to do or what needs to be done. Asking for help is not an imposition, it is not "begging".
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I too had breast cancer and in my case chose double mastectomy in 2015 so I'd never have to deal with that particular issue. It was very difficult.

Immediately, contact your county to see what aid (GA, food stamps) you might receive immediately if you are not already receiving this in addition to Medicaid. Your doctor may be able to sign disability papers regarding at least temporary disability.

As to their house, you've lived there three years. Assuming they owned, whoever is telling you that the house has to be sold right now to satisfy their inheritance (if any exists), is not telling you the truth. If the problem is that the property still has a note or a lien, the bank or creditor typically takes years to evict someone.
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Breast cancer survivor here. I was able to get my mastectomy, recover very quickly, go through adjuvant chemo for 6 months, (one treatment every three weeks. I worked all the time I did this. I never upchucked once. I never lost my hair. My cancer had already gone into two nodes, and yet, THIRTY FIVE YEARS LATER I am still here.
I encourage you to get treatment.
Go to the MD who diagnosed you; get yourself on medicaid or whatever else you might need through their social worker's help. Access all the help you can in your community for support. Whether you are in a shelter or anywhere else to live, you can get through this with the help of accessing what is out there for you.
That's my advice. I can only advise you. It is up to you to choose to stay, and fight, or to choose not to stay. You have neglected treatment of this. That puts you behind, but mine wasn't found until it showed up in two fused lymph nodes under my arm, and like I said, here I am, only stronger, and having learned a whole lot about how to survive and how to love life more every day I do.
I wish you the very best. You are not alone in trying to access care while being poor.
I am very very sorry. I hope the experiences of others here will help you; many of us are cancer survivors.
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CURE magazine is also a good source for those with cancer.   It used to publish a directory of cancer resources, but I don't get the magazine any more so I'm not sure if it's only online or if paper publications are still available.    You can get information though at the website:

https://www.curetoday.com/

Gilda's Club is also a good support facility.
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Being alone is so awful. I am sorry for your situation. Even if you don't attend a church, you might consider seeking some help through your local one. You surely need some emotional support as well as someone to get you to appointments and help you clean up the house. I hope you can find some help.
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RedVanAnnie Feb 2022
Some churches also have volunteers who help with grocery shopping, rides to medical appt etc
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Hi, Take a minute to breathe. You cared for your parents with horrific times. You are strong. You’ll have team of medical professionals. You can beat this (and the odds are it’s a matter of months — not years).

Call 2-1-1. They have a network of resources and I believe your situation — housing, meals, assistance — is in their wheelhouse.
http://www.211.org/about-us

🙏🙏 🙏
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You do NOT have to do this alone. There are yet-to-be made friends out there. Lots of good advice from others here. Please start by calling wherever you were diagnosed and being forthright about your story. Whatever your choice about treatment, you can make the most of whatever is the course of the rest of your life. Please be as kind to yourself as you would to someone else during this difficult changing season of your life.
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Call Social Security today to make an appointment for SSD/SSI at 1-800-772-1213. The date that you make the appointment is considered your application date, so it is essential that you call in February or you lose a month’s worth of benefits. SSA is backed up, so your actual appointment won’t be for several weeks, so move forward with your treatment plans in the meantime. From your posting, I am guessing that you have mental health issues, and those issues should be included in the information that you provide to SSA. FYI, even if you have not been working, you can be entitled to SSI benefits as a disabled individual.
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Good Morning,

You are not alone in this. And the fact that you are reaching out is a good thing. You know enough to speak up. The help may not come from the people you would hoped would have stepped forward but it may come from another source.

You could try the Gloria Gemma Breast Cancer Resource Foundation
Mandy@gloriagemma.org with any questions. They could put you in contact
with resources in your State. Programs and Services (401) 861-4376 or
info@gloriagemma.org

How about if you contact a social worker. Usually there are support groups for Women with Breast Cancer, workshops etc. I was under the impression that there was a lot of networking and resources at hospitals and Women's care.

Perhaps you could speak with an Elder Attorney for a "free consultation" for an hour to see if somehow you could get paid from the sale of house for your time and work that you put into caregiving. I wouldn't be polite about this.

The sooner you can join an online support group where you can share with other women who have walked in your shoes, the better. The more heads you put together on this one, the better.

The best help are people who have been through it. Survivors of breast cancer who have compassion, know the routine and will give you support and a new group of friends.

I hope this was of some help to you. You are in my prayers!
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Go to hospice
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GardenArtist Feb 2022
JavaGirl, I don't think she's at that stage and hopefully won't be.
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Gilda's Club is a community organization for people with cancer, their families and friends. Local chapters provide meeting places where those who have cancer, their families, and friends can join with others to build emotional and social support as a supplement to medical care. Free of charge and nonprofit, Gilda's Club chapters offer support and networking groups, lectures, workshops and social events in a nonresidential, homelike setting. The club was named in honor of the original Saturday Night Live cast member Gilda Radner, who died of ovarian cancer in 1989.
In 2009, Gilda's Club merged with The Wellness Community to form the Cancer Support Community, although local branches generally opted to retain the name Gilda's Club. Gilda's Clubs generates funds to support its programs through events often hosted by notable figures.
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This does not help your personal situation at all, but I wanted to add a note about something that I observed in my own neighborhood. There was a young woman who inherited her grandparents' home. She was unable to care for herself. The home fell into ruin--Christmas lights that stayed up for years. I understand that next to her Grandfather's chair was an ashtray he used for his cigars, and when the home was emptied the ashtray was still there after so many years, untouched. Everything in the home, literally untouched. I do not know what her issues were, but she was not competent to care for anything at all, and completely reclusive.

One day she disappeared. Soon after a company came with a dumpster, and literally threw everything into it. Dishes out of the cabinets, into a trash bin. All the furniture, into the dumpster. A couple of neighbors, in disbelief, went over to see what was going on--couldn't believe it. The "emptiers" let them go through the home and take anything they wanted; they saved a few items that had been very special to the grandmother.

It is possible that I am going to need to do this with my mother's home. She has become a hoarder. My kids are scattered around the country, and do not need or want any of her many things. I am 10 hours away, with the earliest signs of dementia showing in me. :( For the woman above, they did not bother with a sale or anything--the family just needed it gone. The home was sold as-is, as a fixer upper and a lovely family lives there now. There was no painting or cleaning before the sale, unless they had a professional company do a once-through after the home was sold.

There are apparently people who specialize in these things today. Horrible so many of our lives have reached this point.

One more thing--if you get in touch with a cancer group of some kind, you may very well find a group of volunteers who will help you through chemo. Your situation is common enough that there may be people in your are who have organized support for it. Blessings and best of luck!!
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Call the Susan G. Komen organization and see if they have any resources. Also, ask if there are social workers who could help. Below are some other organizations:
National Council On Aging. ...
AARP. ...
Programs of All-Inclusive Care for the Elderly (PACE®) ...
Eldercare Locator. ...
Area Agencies on Aging (AAA) ...
National Institute on Aging. ...
Meals on Wheels. ...
Health Finder.
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Could you contact a local college to see if nursing students and/or Social Work students could help you? Perhaps they could get school credit for this, like an internship Also, in years past, I had read that the American Cancer Society or a similar organization might be able to provide free transportation for cancer treatment, but I'm not sure if it was nationwide or just in certain geographical areas. Also, could you contact your local Area on Aging to see if they have any volunteers who could help you? Also, could you contact a local house of worship to see if they have any volunteers who could help out? Good luck.
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In addition to contacting Cancer Support groups and perhaps local churches, see if there is a Shepherd's Center in your area. They have volunteers who help with shopping, errands and providing rides to medical appts. People in the Cancer Support groups might offer some more ideas for getting help and for taking care of yourself to add to some of the good ideas people have offered. If volunteers cannot do all you need, you might sometimes need to hire a home health aid: for instance, if you need a "responsible party" to pick you up after a medical procedure. In some cases, a doctor can arrange for you to stay in the hospital overnight for "observation" after what might otherwise have been outpatient surgery or treatment. Investigate your options. If you begin to find some possibilities, you might feel a little more hopeful. If you can find answers for one problem at a time, you will feel you have some control in managing your circumstances.
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Please don't give up on yourself!  Breast cancer is not a death sentence.  Reach out to the agencies below and allow yourself to accept help.  I am thinking and praying for you
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Where are you located?
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BeenThroughThis Feb 2022
@Honey11, her profile says she is located in Midland, Texas area
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Tumbleweed, another thought:   

The infusion center where my sister got chemo and whole brain rads treatment had a few side programs for those in treatment and their families.    There was a art group which focused on colored pencil art.   Another group was pottery, and there were others which I don't recall now. 

I went to several of the colored pencil gatherings, met others, and learned a lot about colored pencil art.   Found an online colored pencil forum and learned a lot more.   I was amazed at the depth of art that can be created through this medium.

One of the women had periodic get togethers at her condo, on a river, and I was invited.   We had a nice lunch, chatted about art, went for a ride on her boat, and relaxed.   I learned so much that I looked at pencil art in a different way.   All of the women were supportive, even if they didn't have experience with cancer.

These infusion center sponsored groups offered excellent and valuable support.    Ask your oncologist if there are similar groups, whether sponsored through a hospital or an affiliated infusion center.


I also explored Gilda's Club and was very impressed, but the first meeting was too emotional and I didn't follow through with joining.   It was just too soon after my sister's death.
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Do you qualify as a senior? There should be a local senior services agency in your area that can hook you up with help of all kinds. Medicaid should also help you with transportation etc. do you belong to a church? At mine there is a pastor of pastoral care in charge of just this kind of thing who helps with the various benevolent programs the church offers. Can you get help through The American Cancer Society? These are just a few thoughts as to where to reach out. Also, ask your doctor. They should know how to get you started on finding help. God bless you as you fight this. Trust in God and ask him to help you. He is there for the lonely and broken hearted, the sick and the outcast. You have helped others, now don’t be afraid to ask for help for yourself. 🙏❤️
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What I am feeling right now is that you are a woman who has been slammed. Just as you were about to have some normalcy to your life, you had the wind totally knocked out of your sail. The previous years drained you. I totally get that. Just the words breast c (I never use the whole word because I refuse to give it a real name or title) are enough to shock the entire mental/physical body. Totally understand that, too. Right now you can't see how strong you are. You took care of these two people in your life without the support of anyone else. You many not be able to see your strengths, but I know they are there.

First talk with your doctor again. Take a list of questions with you to your appt so you don't rely on your tired brain to remember what to ask. Find out what your treatment options are: chemo (radiation) first, then surgery (neoadjuvant care) - or - surgery, then chemo and/or radiation. Chemo first means the doctor can see if treatment is working/change drugs/check again - then remove the tumor. Several options for surgery/rebuilding the boob that can be discussed as well. Ask about all options.

C treatment has come a long way. There are the old standard protocols and now there are 'designer' treatments suited to the type of c you have. They determine what drives your c and use drugs that shut those things off to supply growth to the tumor. If you have heard all the old stories about how sick someone got during treatment, set them aside for now. There are plenty of meds to prevent that, to prevent much of the suffering that the cure used to create. It is very possible for you to do this without personal aide type help.

Perhaps you haven't been abandoned by your friends - you have just lost touch with the other huge portions of work you had on your own plate. You were removed from their life. They still worked and played and things just didn't work out for all of you to see each other. Try to reconnect - put your hurt feelings aside to be open to being social again.

You live in 'their' home. If the home is being sold, who is going to get the proceeds if you are not being included? You will be moving somewhere if the house is sold. Find your new place to live: small efficiency to start. Take the things that have meaning to you and your personal belongings: Boxes to go to new place and some things to storage if necessary. Get a local moving company to get everything you want out of current house and sorted/placed to new residence. Then walk away from the house and let the person who gets money from the house deal with all the rest of contents. Don't put one more dime into the upkeep or utilities once you find your own place - your money pays for your living expenses.

If you can't connect with old friends, find new ones. If you believe in God, I highly recommend a church. Reconnect spiritually.

Breast c does not always mean you've been given your expiration date. The doctors can refer you to counseling and other services. If you are income limited, check with your county for available services. Right now you're at the bottom of a hole looking up. You are stronger that you can believe at the moment. Stand up and you're half way out of the hole. Then take a step...and another...and you'll be out of the hole. You can do this!
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Don’t worry about the house 🏡 get treatment . I don’t know much about Texas . There are nice people in Austin , Texas . Sounds like you need some real healing and nurturing . Cannabis and CBD can be good - maybe you can work at a hostel or a small organic farm in exchange for Room and Board . You could try Upaya Buddhist center in Santa Fe , NM apply online . There is also a acupuncture clinic there . This is a true concern of mine I have had Friends die after their parents or siblings pass and they get sick - the stress wipes out the body . Check out Host a Sister on Facebook and put up a ad . You will be ok . Try following a macrobiotic diet - brown rice Miso soup , tea - cleans out the lymph system . Apply to some holistic places in exchange for a room . This is very sad I have the same concerns for myself as I have been very sick this month . The stress is overwhelming . Good luck think positive thoughts and keep reaching out .
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BurntCaregiver Feb 2022
KNance,

The OP has cancer. It's not likely she will be able to work on an organic farm or any other kind. She needs medical care, support, and housing. It's likely won't be able to physically slum it in a hostel with a bunch of 20 year kids who are back-packing across the country. Especially if she has to go on chemo or radiation for the breast cancer.
Cannabis and CBD oil can be helpful, but the OP is going to need a hell of a lot more care than a bag of weed can offer.
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First, if your are your mother's only child you are entitled to some sort of inheritance. See if you can find an attorney who will give you a free consultation on what, if any rights you might have as a beneficiary. Then contact the various social agencies relating to cancer and what you might qualify for. I'm not sure exactly why you're not entitled to part of your parent's estate as a surviving beneficiary, but if I were you I'd definitely check that out.
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BurntCaregiver Feb 2022
AK,

She isn't entitled to an inheritance. The OP's mother went into facility care. If Medicaid has been paying for her and there are assets, Medicaid will recap as much as they can of what they've paid out. Usually there is nothing left from the sale of property and liquidating of assets to inherit. It all goes for the facility care.
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We’re the same age and have similar circumstances (long-time caregiver, both parents recently died, have no place to live, a frightening health diagnosis, & a lack of resources). It's stressful. As tired and hopeless as you may feel, the clock is ticking and you need a plan to ease your burden and find some well-deserved peace. This is your life and you get to make the choices.

Here’s how I’m approaching it - solo:

1.      Food – Locate local food pantries and explain your medical situation. https://www.needhelppayingbills.com/html/midland_food_pantries.html Volunteers will often deliver to your home or package items for curbside pick-up. Some places also provide referrals for emergency housing, etc.
2.      Shelter – Locate local agencies for a referral to food, housing, health, and safety. You may have to consider renting a room or sharing an apartment. And don’t lift a finger at your mother’s home. Change the locks. Pack your own belongings and keepsakes that were hers, and wait for the eviction notice.
3.      Medical Care – Discuss your decision with your physician and ask about resources that might be available to you. What can you afford to pay for? Do you need public assistance?
a.      Reach out to Cancer support groups and ask for what you need. Be specific.
b.     You stated that because you have no one to help, you will not treat the disease. If you had someone – anyone – would you feel differently? If you had support would you make a different choice? My 82-year-old neighbor fought 3 rounds of breast cancer all by herself. Friends did her weekly grocery shopping (or Walmart online ordering/free delivery is available in most areas) and they did drive her to chemo on the days when she could not drive herself. It can be done.
c.      Advanced Healthcare Directive – if/when you are no longer able to make medical decisions for yourself, you must have your wishes in writing and have the document on file at any facility that you stay with. Make copies and file at your physician's office, residential facility, etc.  https://www.caringinfo.org/wp-content/uploads/Texas.pdf
d.     Medicaid – Medicaid programs vary by state and generally cover a broad array of health services and limits enrollee out-of-pocket costs. Medicaid finances nearly a fifth of all personal health care spending in the U.S., providing significant financing for hospitals, community health centers, physicians, nursing homes, and jobs in the health care sector. If you don’t qualify, ask about other programs. Social Security Disability is another option to pursue.
e.     Hospice At-Home – Too many people think Hospice is just for the final days/weeks of life. My father was in at-home Hospice for nearly 2 years. Medicare paid for equipment, comfort-care medications, a nurse, a social worker, and daily aides to help with bathing, meals, changes of linens, etc. The Hospice social worker is your advocate and will help you navigate and apply for programs to pay for services if you don’t qualify for Medicare. Call your local Hospice and they’ll come to your home to determine if you qualify. It's a free consultation.
f.       Estate Planning – Decisions need to be made or you become a ward of the state and the state determines where you will be placed, burial vs. cremation, etc. If it makes sense, get an attorney OR use an affordable online estate tool to create: (1) Power of Attorney, (2) Advanced Healthcare Directive/Living Will, and (3) Last Will and Testament. I chose Quicken WillMaker & Trust which is available at www.NOLO.com and customizable by state.  Then I took the documents to a local notary. Easy.
4.      General Resources: https://money.com/solo-seniors-elder-orphans-resources/
5. Reach out to connect with old friends and extended family.

If you do decide to allow the disease to run its course, then shift your focus to comfort care and fulfill some bucket list items for pleasure. You deserve to have some happiness! All the best to you.
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JTFW1924 Feb 2022
Wow, FL! That was a very comprehensive, helpful & insightful post.
I wish you and the OP the best.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I'm 59, alone (last sibling just passed; Mom on hospice in a B&C) and I have thoughts about a scenario like this.
Your answer was very helpful.
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Call the American Cancer Society. I worked for years on Relay For Life - they have many resources available. You could also try the Susan G. Komen Association - they specialize in breast cancer. You definitely need to catch a break! Good luck to you!
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Contact your area's local branch of the American Cancer Society. This will be a good starting point.
There are actual group homes for people who have serious illness that have no place to go and no support system to help them. These places are not for people with mental illness, or for elderly people who are ill or have dementia.
The American Cancer Society will be able to put you in touch with such a place. Often they are located nearby to major hospitals.
If you will be getting nothing from the sale of your mother's house just walk away. Don't clean it out. Don't try to get it ready to go on the market. Let the place be foreclosed upon and let the greedy nursing home, or memory care, or whatever facility you placed your mother in fight over it with the town or city it's in.
Just walk away. You've got enough to deal with and no one helping you. Walk away from it.
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Contact Your local Catholic Charities. They may be able to help you find housing. I went through the same thing as you spending years taking care of my parents with dementia, finally get my life back (as in no more parents to care for 24-hours per day) only to be diagnosed with cancer. My resources were extremely limited as well, but I fought through it and I’ve been cancer free three years. There is hope for you out there. It will just take some time. I got counseling and it was extremely helpful for me, but it did take several counselors to find the right one.
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https://mentalhealthtx.org/facilities/american-cancer-society-midland-main-office/

The link above is for Midland, Texas Am Cancer Society.
Let us know when you call them as to how it works out.

There is NOTHING more important for you to do than to take care of yourself. The cancer won’t wait. Once you put yourself in the hands of professionals, they will help you find your way.
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If there is no benefit coming to you from the cleanout and sale of your mothers home, let it go. If your name is not on the house, don't worry about it. Walk away from it and worry about yourself.

If you were 90 and blind in one eye and couldn't see out of the other, I would agree with your decision not to seek treatment. BUT - You are too young not to seek treatment. Many of the methods and treatments for Breast Ca have come a long way. There are many many organizations, grants and funding that is tied to breast ca treatment centers. They can give you rides on treatment day, they can get food delivered to you, connect you with all sorts of folks. I can only imagine how mentally/emotionally depleted you are from the caregiving and losing your mother, but don't give up hope. Take a deep breath, forget about your moms house. Make an appointment with your doctor and ask for a counselor or social worker to help you navigate caring for yourself while you go through treatment.
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Please look into this... it is a cancer cure that has helped many people and it is not invasive at all. Some cures have been suppressed. This is one of them. I hope it will help you.

Antineoplaston A10, a naturally occurring substance in human body, is a Ras inhibitor potentially for the treatment of glioma, lymphoma, astrocytoma and breast cancer.

I don't know exactly the situation with the home. But if you are unable to stay there look into getting some financial aide so you can at least be able to rent a place. Don't go into a nursing home.
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