I don’t mind helpful advice from other experienced caregivers, but when someone has read my profile (or a previous answer to someone else’s' post) and answered in an abrasive or aggressive manner, well, I react and not politely. I suggest that if anyone has an issue with my caregiving situation, over which I have no control at the present time, to either offer helpful advice or just ignore it.
Thank you.
Or the situation they describe is so ridiculous that people feel they have to ‘shake’ the person awake.
Or people get frustrated when people ask for advice, and every feasible suggestion gets shot down. There’s people on here who have quit jobs, moved 3000 miles away from their spouse and kids, are going broke from paying for everything, and are on the brink of killing themselves. People implore the person to take their lives back, but every reply is met with “Oh, I can’t do that. My mom will be mad. A nursing home would be mean. I’d feel too guilty. I must be obedient and honor my mother even though she fights me daily and hates me. It’s not so bad. I just don’t know what to do!”. If someone is going to automatically disregard any help suggested, then why ask in the first place?
Oh how I wish we could attach gifs sometimes….
I hate to think I am some kind of queen of "snap out of it" but I might be. I DO try not to be harsh. But I am not one to avoid an honest answer. My opinion is worth what it's worth (and to some, not MUCH). I think we do a disservice to the OPs who come to us, not to do them the honor of our honest answer.
If you want to vent, tell us ahead of time its a vent. And, if you have a question better not to post within someone elses thread. The question tends to get lost.
Yes, some of us are blunt. But like said, a lot of us have been in your shoes.
With some things an answer, response will come out and maybe it is not gentle. After having gone through the dementia journey for 12 years with my Husband I will say what is on my mind. Sometimes that might come off as "brutal", frightening, maybe abrasive but so is dementia and what it does not only to our loved ones but to the family that is there to care for this person.
Some people are not yet ready to face the reality of some of the situations that are in front of them. So a response may seem one way when the intention is not what the reader is interpreting it as. (did that make sense? sometimes my mind runs faster than my fingers do)
If you think a particular post is bullying, mean, insulting whatever term you want to use you could always report it and let the moderators determine the outcome.
But consider that this is an open forum. People from all walks of life, all education levels, all different life experiences and you will get responses based upon that individuals experiences, morals as well as ethnic/cultural upbringing.
Just like an all you can eat buffet. Take what you want, ignore what you do not like, and take bits and pieces from different sources and make what you want of it. And things will change and what was good to begin with may not be so good later so you try something new.
That's kinda how life goes.
Facial expressions, body language, tone and inflection of voice are an integral part of communication.
Look at the words: "I'm sorry." Depending on tone and inflection, it can range from remorse or regret ("I'm sorry about what I did" or "I'm sorry for your loss"), it can be inquisitive (as in "I'm sorry, I didn't hear/understand you") to extremely sarcastic.
When someone is typing an answer, the answerer might "hear" it one way in their heads, but the person who reads it might "hear" it in an entirely different manner. What the writer intends to sound sincere may very well come across as sarcasm or anger or impatience or even not caring.
That's not to say that there aren't people out there who just love to write controversial things on an anonymous internet forum JUST to get a rise out of people, although for an internet forum, that seems to be rarer here as opposed to other sites. It's a source of entertainment for them, I think.
Conversely, and this is not directed at you, Unlucky, there are some people are just waaayyyy more easily offended than others - people who seem to take glee in being perpetually offended - but generally speaking, those kinds of people take offense whether the words are written or spoken.
I hope if you continue to post here, you can take the advice that fits you best and ignore the comments that you don't appreciate.
I don't find Forum to be full of cruel "social media trolls" looking to hurt others. I think the people here are great, and do a real service. There is almost never a post where all agree. Just as with this one, there is almost always a large variety to pick through, to get new ideas, to take what you can use and leave the rest. And if someone dislikes the Forum, they are free to leave. No one is help here and forced to participate. They don't even need to let us KNOW they are leaving, but if they do, it can give us food for thought, looking inwards, trying to re-examine our answer and our motives. The younger generation has an expression I used to LOATHE, which is "It's all good". It isn't all good, and we all know that, but here, a variety of thoughts and answers just MAY be.
Frequently those posters respond like for like and leave the forum - and then months later come back and say "you know what I wish I had listened".
I'm not disagreeing with you- I don't think it is necessary to be overly aggressive under normal circumstances. BUT there are some posts where someone goes for the jugular for one reason or another and it devolves. That's human nature. That's the point where you know that the poster isn't listening to what is being said.
The topics we talk about here are sensitive to begin with. They are highly personal and in the vast majority of cases pretty painful. It's hard not to get heightened and emotional in those cases. If someone offends me I do my best to remind myself not to take it personally because they don't know me, they don't know the full story, they only know what I've shared here and you can only know so much from the outside. But when we post here we open ourselves up for every type of response and we have to be prepared for that.
That being said, there are always going to be people who deliberately come into forums of any kind to stir up trouble as well.
I myself believe it isn't right to be cruel or harsh BUT I do believe we should be honest with our perspective.
The poster (OP) has come here to ask a question. It does that questioner absolutely no good for us to answer with sympathy only, with a pretense that they are doing wonderfully well (if we think that isn't the case). I think we should answer HONESTLY.
It is, for me, those who have been HONEST with me, who may even have SHAKEN me up, that have most helped me on my own journey. They made me look inward at myself.
We form habits sometimes. We go round the same circle over and over like a mill stone pony, hauling the wheel in the same sad pattern with little result. We complain of something and people sympathize, and then on we go, having got all we can expect out of the situation. It is oft the person who says "Why are you insisting of moving in that same CIRCLE. It's a bad habit and it is hurting you and doing no good to others" --that person really helps us.
That said, this may not be the place for you. If you asked a question and were hurt by too much of someone else's truth, you may choose to move to another support group that is more supportive to you. Only you can decide that.
For me, it becomes a matter of picking up what helps and letting the other luggage just sit there.
Whatever you needed for us and we were unable to help with, I am sorry.And I wish you great good luck in your future.
Now these questions are only asked by someone who is feeling all this, and they are common problems. OP gives no personal information at all, but wants personal information from other people, which seemed just a trifle off.
I replied with some questions for OP to think about: “For many older people, being together in a NH is about as good as it gets. Do they both have dementia? Why do you want mother to separate in an AL? Do you really feel that you are “in charge of your parents’ lives at this point?” [This last was a quote from OP’s profile, now deleted]. Is this a good attitude? If you are trying to make your parents do what you want, perhaps it’s not surprising if your spouse isn’t on side. How much time are you spending visiting or worrying about this – or trying to talk about it?
The response I got was rather more offensive than mine: “Your judgements are way out of line. Where did I say that I'm trying to get my parents to do what I want? All I want is the best for them. And, it's none of your concern about how much I visit or worry. Please do not respond to any of my posts again. I don't need Debbie Downers.” [I’ve omitted the ‘thanks but’ and the ‘have a nice day’]
Perhaps understandably, OP has had no further replies. Who needs to be insulted? Perhaps you could put yourself in OP’s shoes and ask yourself some questions too.
A differing opinion or not babying someone by telling them what they want to hear or stroking their egos over something is not judgment.
People are so overdoing the "sensitivity" and getting "offended" over everything that it's preventing them from behaving like rational and reasonable adults. God help us all.