I’m an only child. My dad is in memory care (huge fall risk). He falls almost weekly. Bounces back well. Can I take a vacation?

Yes go on your vacation together. How could skipping a vacation prevent him from falling? If they can walk, they will fall. It’s just the way it is.

You're as tied down as you decide to be. Decide that you're not tied down. Decide that if he falls, he falls. He's going to fall. If he's in memory care, they've picked him up before and they'll pick him up again.

As for separate vacations, that's baloney. Someday you or your husband won't be around and the other one will be taking a separate vacation. When you get on that tour bus alone, it would be nice to remember when the two of you were able to get away by yourselves and enjoy it.

So yeah, if you're asking permission to go on vacation, you've got it from me.

Sue, take a vacation. There are ways now to always be in touch in an emergency. Let the facility know. They simply need to know how to contact you or whom to contact if they cannot get you. Dad's gonna do what dad's gonna do. You cannot postpone your entire life waiting for him to do it.

My dh and I traveled to Europe and Africa on tours while my parents were in AL, and while mom was in Memory Care Assisted Living. But we always bought trip insurance in case a disaster struck and we had to cancel, which did happen in 2014 when dad broke his hip. We had to cancel a 19 day trip to China and Tibet but did get all of our $$$ back except for the cost of the trip insurance and the cost of the visa to China.

My mother fell 95x while living in AL and MC combined, btw. I was an only child too, with only myself and my dh to rely on to help them. And staff at the AL, of course.

Had we waited for mom to pass before we started traveling, it'd have been too late bc we're both now suffering from health conditions preventing us from doing so.

Take your opportunities when they present themselves. Just do so wisely, by purchasing trip insurance.

No, I do not, my mother is in AL and stepmother is in MC, why would I not take a vacation, if something happens and if I am out of town, I will use my handy cell phone and instruct them accordingly.

I will not give up my life for them, they did what they wanted didn't postpone their vacations for me, why should they?

Certainly would not take separate vacations, my husband died in 2007, I now take my vacations by myself, not by choice.

Enjoy your time with your husband before it is too late. Personally, I think that you have your priorities mixed up.

Take the vacation! My mother is now in a SNF but has been placed in hospice care 3 times, each time improving so much she came off of hospice care. The first time was right before Covid and I put my entire life on hold, only to have it stay on hold for over a year.

Hospice again right after Covid restrictions were lifted (hospice due to Covid) and then again about 7 months later (due to a fall and infection). My mother is almost 91 and had I continued to leave my life on hold, I would have missed out on amazing experiences with my kids and husband.

My mother continues to survive (in NO way thriving) and I imagine will be around for many more years. I will not put my life on hold especially as my kids are still in high school and just starting college. I want to make as many memories as possible with them, which for us means travel.

The only change I have made is to always but travel insurance. Go out, live your life, enjoy your vacation with the people you love. Your father will be well cared for where he is.

Not “can”. “MUST”.

The whole purpose to have them in a MC is so you can have a life. Just make sure he has everything he needs. Tell the MC that you will be away and to only call u in an emergency. Put ur phone on Do not disturb. You will still get calls and texts just no ringing or notification beeps.

You say - "I know having them placed is supposed to give you more freedom"
Yes, yes it does.
Find a memory care facility.
It tore my heart out to place my husband two months ago.
He's safe. He has lots of friends. He's entertained, cleaned and fed. His room and clothes are kept tidy.
I visit a lot and as I leave on those days, I always turn to give one more last wave good-bye for the evening and he's already looking elsewhere and happily chatting gibberish to the person closest to him who is also fluent in gibberish.
Your perception of what you should be doing is different from what works for him.

Your marriage comes first.

Are you hiding behind your dad?

You keep this up and years will (and probably has already) pass, and you and your marriage will suffer.

4 falls happened to my LOs this month.
Happened while I was in town. Would have happened if I was away.

Go.

Take a trip with your husband. No need for separate vacations.

GO on vacation.
If there is an emergency they can get in contact with you.
What I would suggest though is that you appoint one of your adult children to be a contact for the Memory Care. You can give them permission to authorize treatment if needed. (Pretty sure it is a simple form that is available probably on line and it can be in effect for the duration of your vacation)
If your adult child thinks they need to consult with you about any decision they can do so.

A little story...YEARS ago I took a vacation, had not been on one in probably 8 years caring for my Husband. I placed him in Respite and authorized my sister as a contact. Getting hold of me would be fairly difficult as I would be leaving the country. (I was worried the entire time but that's another story)
Anyway I got contacted that my Husband had some sort of infection and they needed my authorization to treat it. (Why my sister did not OK it I have no clue!) Anyway I get back from vacation and I am looking over the bill and this "infection" that needed to be treated....Athlete's Foot! Needless to say the charge for that tube was INSANE!
So even though I had planned for an "emergency" it did not go quite as I planned but the take away here is that he was fine and things were handled when an "emergency" did come up.

Go on your vacation and you and your husband should go together. (Unless you really want separate vacations)

I found the following helpful as I struggled with similar questions. As much as we want to prevent bad things from happening, the reality is that something bad will indeed happen (e.g., falling, dying). And there is nothing we can do about it. My suggestion would be to try to make peace with that reality and hopefully it will free your mind enough to take this vacation and otherwise care for yourself.

You are tying yourself down. Learn to take more time for yourself. Strike a balance. You won’t get this time back with your husband. Your marriage is important too.

Of course, go on your vacation. Your father is in a facility so that he is being cared for. Your being in the neighborhood will not prevent "issues" from happening and you are not the person who will be picking him up off the floor if he falls or providing emergency treatment if he needs it. Your immediate presence is not essential.

Take a vacation so you don't get burned out! Will you be in a place where you can be reached by cell phone? If so, let the staff at your father's facility know that you will be away and give your phone number and email address to your father's case manager and the nurse at his facility so they can contact you in an emergency. If they cannot call you, maybe you can check in with them every few days.

there are five of us sibs, (3 boys and 2 girls) well i am the older female and I shouldered 95 percent of the load! my dad has passed and I suggest that you TAKE THAT VACATION NOW!

SueZ1250: Take the trip with your DH (Dear Husband). My DH and I made the mistake of not taking vacations while my mother was alive for fear that I would have to hop on a plane to take care of her needs. Now we're too old to take them.

TAKE A VACATION…an extended vacation…..WITH YOUR HUSBAND!!!

I’m an only child with both parents in a nursing home with Alzheimer’s. Dad has only had 1 fall in 2 years there, he had over 20 before then. Mom has had 0 falls at the nursing home, only a few prior. Please take care of you, your marriage, your well being. Accidents will happen if you’re around or not. Like you, I haven’t gone far (less than 3 hour drive) but i’ve brought my car so that if i had to leave i could. Obv you’re HCP but who’s the alternate? My cousin is for my folks and she would respond if there were something I couldn’t handle via phone.

GO!