I'm constantly sad because of my dying father and I don't know how to lift my spirits. Any advice?

Tell him you love him every time you see him. Hold his hand. I would bring pictures of fun times together. Listen as he talks about his life. I don’t know what your religious beliefs are, but learn about the afterlife. Get comfortable that at death our journey doesn’t end. Joining a church would surround you positive people that would give you the emotional support you need. Or, a grief group. It’s painful. I just lost my Pop 8 days ago. I feel like a piece of me is missing. Write down something to do each day and stick with it. Exercise and Spa treatments will help you. Continue with those things that promote personal wellness. Let the tears come when they need to. Pray for your Dads peace and for him not to suffer. If you were in his situation, you would want to go because you would be ready and not want to be a burden to anyone. My Pop suffered so much at the end with Alzheimer’s. If was awful for all of us. We all strategized daily on what he needed for his care. Hospice we’re our Angels along with a health care worker that came part time. I’m glad that your Dad and you have in facility care for him. I know it’s hard to watch him die a little each day. Start writing his eulogy now. It will help relieve that burden when he does pass. Also, think of who you will invite to his funeral. Pick out his homecoming outfit and his favorite flowers. It’s okay if it’s just the two of you. The funeral home personal are usually kind, very comforting, and can help with the process. I know how you feel. Know that you are not alone. I’m here. We all are. Hugs to you!

To begin with read a Psalm a day and meditate on what Jesus is saying to you.
Then pour your heart out to Him. He has walked your walk before so He knows what you are going through.
If possible do this in nature as it will relax you more.
It works for me no matter what the situation.

I disagree to a degree with your therapist. While medication won't solve the main issue it may help you in time to feel less sad mood swings. I am on an antidepressant.

My mother at 91 is in SN. She has a very serious bedsore that I have been told by an infectious disease doctor can never heal. She cannot walk or stand due to a previous septic infection. She was dropped by an aide ( immediately fired ) and both her femurs were broken. This brought on the bedsore which is treated daily but very severe.

It is very sad each time I visit her. There are many residents in better physical condition but far more mentally gone than my mother. She keeps asking when the bedsore will heal. I dance around the issue. She does not recall the conversation we had right after the visit with the doctor.

If you could find some form of exercise for yourself that may give you some positive feelings. It would be best if it were a class or appointment outside of your house therefore being a commitment you need to follow through with. I do this myself and I know I feel better after.

We can't change the reality of a loved one's terminal diagnosis. When I visit my mother I bring her a Starbucks drink and some reading material. That brings her pleasure.

I lost my father at 82. His final days while very serious did not linger too long. I still miss him. I just have to accept that his end was indeed a reality and there was not prolonged suffering.

I think James was long gone from this thread a long time ago.

My wonderful Mom passed away in January. She was 93, and not only was I her son, but also her full-time caregiver for just over 4 years (after her hip surgery). She was an active businesswoman up until age 85. No help from my siblings. They had not seen her in years. They did, however, take a few minutes out of their lives to attend the funeral, and commented how beautiful she looked. I noted that is what I had the privilege of seeing every single day.
 
Mom and I followed a great daily schedule, and god bless her, she slept through the night, which meant I slept too. Was every day peachy, no. We had our arguments. When she developed a pressure ulcer during her hip surgery "rehab" at a local nursing home, I made it clear to the staff it was unacceptable. When she left there, I vowed I would do my best to never put her back there again. At least twice a day, I would put Calmoseptine on her behind to make sure she would not get a pressure ulcer under my watch. She was incontinent, so three times a day, I would help her change her pull-ups. I once asked her, Mom do you mind that I clean your behind. She replied, "Not at all."
 
Once a month, I took her to get her hair done, which was therapy for me and her. After, I would take a short video to ask her how she felt. The last one I took was two weeks before her death, so I can hear her voice and see that smile any time I want. She had a history of TIA's (mini-strokes), so I had to deal with the threat of that every day. Luckily, she could feed herself, so all I had to do was to ensure she had three good meals daily. She used a walker, and in her final year, she became more uneasy, so I would follow her with the wheelchair as she walked around the house. Always made sure she moved to another location every couple of hours to avoid the pressure ulcer issue. She rarely complained.
 
The day before she passed, she was not acting right. Very agitated. Called the ambulance to take her to the emergency room. She was diagnosed with a severe UTI. Dr. on call said she needed to stay overnight for treatment. Mom was not pleased and wanted to go home. I calmly told her the doctors were giving her medication to help her feel better, and I would be back in the morning and take her home then. That was the last time I spoke to her. I got the call early the next morning her condition had worsened. I rushed to her bedside and she was unconscious, but breathing on her own. I later found out after reviewing the notes written by the ER staff that Mom was very restless during the overnight hours when I was not there. My biggest regret was I did not stay with her during that period. I was with her all the time, except then. It might not have changed the outcome, but it will always trigger the "what if" thoughts.
 
She lived for a few more hours, so I held her hand, sang some songs, thanked her, and kissed her as slipped away. I was proud I was able to keep her in the home she and my Dad purchased decades ago, and honored I was with her as she completed the journey to the sunset of her life. I kept her clean, well-fed, warm, and comfortable. Everyone involved in her medical care has told me what a wonderful job I did as her cargiver. I am now on my own journey to find employment in my late 50's.
 
Being a caregiver is an emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausting job. The hardest job I've ever had. Only those that have been one can truly understand how draining, but in some cases, like mine, how rewarding it can be. I miss my Mom, but I know I did my best, and the wonderful memories I have of her will hopefully help me overcome my feelings of sadness.

You’re experiencing anticipatory grief, which comes when you know you are grieving your loved one but they are still alive. What you are going through is normal for losing a loved one you care about. Don’t hold the tears at arms length. Cry when you need to. Sometimes the tears pop up at the weirdest time or place. Is there anyone close to you who you can be your real self and witness your grief and come you?

Affirmations are pretty useless right now. Don’t push the grief away. Go through it. As you mentioned, nothing is working to make it go away. Recognize and experience your grief now. Not doing so could pile on grief with the loss of another dear one later on.

My niece and I have been experiencing anticipatory grief for nearly two years since my brother started showing symptoms and then was diagnosed with brain cancer. We don’t fight the sadness and tears, but let them come through. They will depart shortly until the next wave. Find a grief counselor or a grief support group to help you process your grief. Best wishes.

There’s really nothing you can do to lift your spirits because it’s natural to feel sadness when you’re about to lose a loved one. When my Dad was very sick & needing blood transfusions in hospital many years ago, my mother was my strength. I went to work & my coworkers were very kind and caring. There was no way to feel anything other than sadness & despair because there was no cure for what he had & he didn’t deserve to suffer or die like that. Stem cell therapy was discovered after he passed away. Now my soon to be 95 year old mother with dementia don’t walk, is incontinent, agitation..caring for her at home. Such a struggle now just to change her diaper. If I could see ahead to know what I’d have to endure with my parents, I’d never thought I’d survive. But maybe these tragedies make you stronger. I don’t know how I survive, but maybe G-d holds me up, too…for sure. At the same time as caring for Mom I’ve had emergency repairs for house…just a couple weeks ago…hot water heater konked out …flooded boiler room & next room…& then damaged boiler! I thought I’d have stroke & heart attack. But it was fixed & my mother & I survived once more….
I feel for you & wish you the best,
Hugs 🤗

MyAgingFather: Perhaps you can locate a support group.

A year ago I would never have thought I would be taking my father to neverending oxygen treatments, pushing him in a wheelchair, or helping him put on pants or socks over his decaying, gangrenous feet.
I am not caretaker material at all. I am impatient. I hate this. We never got along. I would have scoffed at the thought a year ago
But, I now see how hard this now old frail man worked, how many family trips he took us on, how many cruises and fancy dinners we had, and not one time did I ever hear him complain about what he had to do to provide us all that. Not once.
Be proud of your love for your dad, be uplifted that you're there to care for him for all that he could do.
Seeing my parents age and frail is destroying me, but my hope is they brought up good kids and will be there for them no matter what happens.
Be uplifted. Also be kind to yourself as your dad was to you when you hurt.
Simon

I feel numb and sad. It feels like the entire world is out, enjoying life. But I don’t have the happiness and joy as they do. Why? Because I’m watching my love one slowly leave this world. But I remember that this is temporary, a season, one that no one will escape. And then when I turn on the tv and see the bleakness and meanness of this world, I think to myself, my love one won’t have to endure this much longer. Sigh.

What instantly comes to mind is to keep trying to remember that EVERYONE, and I mean everyone in the world is going to pass away one day, you as well. So the time that's left is what's important. Accepting the fact that Jesus is Gods son and communicating that reality with you're parent is everything. This becomes a much easier topic to discuss with someone, or when you are alone, when you realize you will see someone for an eternity not just in the here and now. Just a smile and a nod from him will help you feel better and give you something to hope for in the future.
That, is the most important way you can feel better. When my own mother was dying I asked her "don't you want to see Jesus?" and I cringed waiting for her answer. You would be surprised how people are reflective at times. No matter the response it opens up a door to focus on the truth. It may not seem like it matters today, but the biggest regret in life will be avoided. God Bless You and you're loved ones.

Bless you. You're not alone. It sounds like you're experiencing "anticipatory grief". It's so so hard and sad to watch our parent/LO slowly decline and pass away. I'm watching my own mother at 95 years old go through the same thing and some days my heart aches terribly.

I wish that there was some way to avoid grief and sadness, but there just isn't. We have to wade through it, but staying busy like you're doing is going be the most help - that and prayer. Blessings.

It’s an extremely difficult situation. I’m in the same boat with my husband and my daughters as well feel like you do. What I do is keep telling myself I’m so fortunate to be able to go see him, hold his hand, kiss him and say I love you .DONT wast this time grieving what hasn’t happened “ yet”. You will have plenty of time later. Enjoy every minute you still have with him here. Sending love and hugs to you. This is not easy and be proud of how much you love him and have cared for him. 🥰💜💐🌈

Grief support.........you are already grieving, so don't wait to go after his passing. Private therapy and Mindful Meditation are other options, too.

Grief and depression are not the same afflictions. Google it, you might gain some new perspectives. Best to start preparing for the next chapter of your life.

My heart goes out to you, MyAgingFather.

Maybe try to focus on one day at a time instead of what's in store for the future?
Enjoy this time with your dad as much as you can. Enjoy and relish the little things like him recognizing you and giving you a smile. These are things you will remember.

I'm here if you need someone to talk to. I understand completely.

I purchased a book “GRIEF DAY BY DAY” by Jan Warner on Kindle. It has helped me tremendously. I bought it shortly before my best and closest friend of well over 45 years passed away. I was able to spend a week with her saying goodbye. We were able to hug & love but it was sooo hard. I lost my dad (at 100) and my mom (at 96) within 18 months of each other. My dad was a shock, he was great at 10:30 pm awaiting surgery for a block bowl (long story) doc had elected to wait from Friday to Monday morning because he, the Dr., had plans for the weekend & wouldn’t do the surgery. Dad was an active (dancing, pool playing, living alone, church going) to unresponsive & in God’s arms in 4 hours. He acquired septicemia. Mom on the other hand, lingered for 5 months. I spent that time with her & cried every night. It broke my heart to see her slipping away. I learned a lot. Treasure your time with them. It’s the most precious thing you have. Read to him, or just sit & hold his hand, like others have suggested play his favorite music, or watch TV with him. I know when it’s to talk to him because of hearing but write notes & encourage him to talk about his childhood. Enjoy your time with him. Try to remember to tell yourself, this is the last time you’ll have to be with him, take advantage of it. You’ll never have this chance again.
Does your dad know his time is near? If so have you discussed his desires? Have you told him you’re sad he’s going? If not let him know, be open it will help.
If you have a church you attend, or even if you don’t even if you don’t find one where you feel comfortable and the pastor/minister/priest can help
Good luck, you will get thru this. It will get better.

If this hasn't already been mentioned, talk to the social worker at the nursing facility (if there is a social workder). S/he may be able to make recommendations about grief counseling or grief groups. Talking with people who are in similar circumstances can help ease the pain. If your father is on hospice, they can also make recommendations.

I lost my mom, husband, dad and a very close friend all in a few years so I’ve walked the deep valley of grief. Going to GriefShare helped me a lot. It’s an excellent program. Another thing I have done is to carry on as best I can, in my own being, the parts of me that reflect my loved ones. My mothers cooking, her artistic talents, my dad’s love of gardening. These are gifts I inherited from them and I am trying to pass along a love for them to my sons and granddaughters. My sons and I are carrying on everything my husband taught us about our family business and we are trying to grow that and make it better than it was before. I am redecorating my house and making each room a tribute to things my husband and I loved. I have art he used to have in his office as well as his woodcarvings and some of my moms oil paintings on display. I’ve made the den into a family history room with old photos of our ancestors and all the generations on the walls as well as some furniture that was in my dad’s family and other old antiques that were passed along to me. So doing this is bringing me comfort and keeping their memories alive. It is very sad then they leave us but we can do things to keep their memories alive.

Three years on from being in your position, I will tell you two things that I remember most and that gave me comfort. One is remembering holding my dad's hand. That is one of the greatest losses, never being able to have that touch again. So just hold his hand -- it will be good for both of you. Maybe you could put nice-smelling lotion on his hands.

The second thing I remember are some light conversations we had when he was agitated and feeling bad. I found it reduced stress for both of us to continue to involve him in life activities to the extent he was capable. I told him that I needed to go to a certain town and needed directions (even though I didn't) -- it gave him a task to focus on and allowed him to be my helpful dad again. You might say you're thinking about getting a new car, lawnmower, or whatever, and ask his advice. You could bring a stack of birthday cards and ask for his help in picking out the right one for a relative with a birthday coming up. Anything, really, that lets him be him and gives you both something to focus on together. Even if he can't contribute much to the conversation, the "task" can be helpful. You might find that when you go home after a visit you feel a bit better too. Good luck to you.

Perhaps you can put a smile on Dads face by hooking him up to headphones and playing his kind of music? Or going through some old picture albums with him? You can write him a long letter of love too. When you lift his spirits, you will lift yours too, knowing you made him smile.
You are grieving many things, how things were, and how things are, and how things will be. Your sadness is warranted and completely normal. The only thing you CAN do is try to make your time with him memorable in a good way.
I think it's more helpful to talk it out with anyone who will listen. Your therapist, a co-worker, a friend, a grief support group, even those not close to you. You'd be surprised at the support and comfort you may find from the most unexpected people. Processing your feelings with your therapist, friends, journaling, support groups can help with your deep feelings of loss and isolation. If you are religious or spiritual, lean into it even more. One day at a time. I wish you comfort, love, and a brighter future.

I think to share the sadness is a good thing to talk about with others. We all experience it at times. If people can't manage it, talk to the next person. If your father can speak, I would share with him how sad you are about his difficult time. He might want to talk about it himself. Don't try to carry it alone. I think a grief group at a church might be helpful. Talk is healing.

Charity work has helped me a lot.

Although I have made donations, the actually pitching in feels best.

Try doing something related to your Dad’s health, his interests or something he has taught you in life that has resonated and is important to you. What would he do if he was strong snd healthy enough to donate his time to help someone? Not all charity organizations are operating fully (with Covid-19 concerns), but other charities have been created from the pandemic itself. You can work with an organization or do something on your own.

You are right to recognize that candy bars aren’t the solution (lots of us have gained weight trying to extinguish our grief with food). All that does is give you another reason to feel sad. You have a great doctor -so many are ready to write too many prescriptions. Your pain is caused by your deep love for your dad - blunting it with medication also will not solve anything and may lead to health problems for you.

Remember, no matter how tough things feel, your dad wants you to continue your life and be happy.

Walking through the sadness of grief is hard and painful. As you have discovered, it starts before death. You will eventually get through this, but it takes time. See if you can find a GriefShare program near you. They will teach you how to process grief. Trying to avoid it or stuff it down will make you feel worse. I'm praying that God will put His arms of love around you and comfort you. ❤️

I understand how you feel, it’s someone your very close to and love. Someone you see a lot and have a very strong family bond. Rest assured, your love and devotion is appreciated either in gesture, nod, hug or a smile. I went through a similar situation with my Mom, now passed. He will pass to and you will move on, but with fond memories, this is all part of life. He will be with You in spirit and mind. You are a caring person, and You need to take care of you, because there’s only one of you!

Of course you are sad, but it might help a little to remember "this journey is part of life." You might benefit from a grief suppprt group where people can share their stories and listen to each other. You need to truly experience sadness and grief to work through it. Trips and activities might be temporary distractions, but they will not get rid of your sadness. Grief and pain will remain inside you and actually build up if you just try to stomp them down. You have to feel them. It hurts. You will cry and be angry and feel despair and it will happen over and over again over time, but with time, the pain and sadness grow " softer" and dominate less of your life and become something that is PART of you but not ALL of you. Check with local churches or the Alzheimer's Association or even your doctor for possible Grief Support referrals.
In the meantime, give your father a kiss, smile, hold his hand . . .tell him he dod a good job raising you to be a loving daughter who will manage her life well. look for momentary joys to share. Don't worry if you are not having "normal," lengthy conversations. He will be comforted that you are there sharing space and time with him.

I am sorry for the grief you are experiencing. It's very difficult to watch someone you love decline. Here are some things to enjoy...you have time to have weekly trips to the spa!!! That is amazing in itself! How wonderful to have someone pamper you!! You have time for self-care by working out daily!!! Enjoy that time that's devoted to yourself. Enjoy that candy bar. You will be sad because you're in a sad situation. It's normal. Enjoy what you enjoy. That's all there is. Be grateful that you don't have to deal with being sad and doing the thousand things that involve caring for a declining loved one at home.

I'm so sorry for your pain. Anticipatory grief can be crippling, because at the same time you're grieving, you're taking care of your dear dad. I did my best to be positive and loving when I saw him as he was declining. Photo albums are great - memories of people, vacations, holidays. And music - my dad loved show tunes, so even when he was in the active dying phase, I sat by his bed playing Evita. Hold his hand. Tell him you love him. And go ahead and be sad. Having a therapist was the best thing I did - so glad you're doing the same. It's natural to be very sad during this time. I'm sending you hugs and pray that you find peace.

It's normal to feel sad when somebody close to you dies. After he passes, you will be hit with a normal depression that may last a few months. Then you will gradually recover spontaneously. In some predisposed people, the depression may last longer than a few months and it will require treatment.

Humans don't like to process emotions, so we try to avoid them, thinking they'll kill us or harm us irreparably. We overeat to squash those emotions; we drink too much, use drugs, smoke, or try to find a prescription to wash away the blues. What winds up killing us is not the human emotions we feel but the substances we use to kill OFF those human emotions we're intended to feel and go through as part of life! I wound up eating, drinking & smoking my way through the traumatic events of my life instead of learning better coping mechanisms, and wound up fat & unhealthy as a result. But the problems I was running away from were still there, at the end of the cigarette, or the cake, or the glass of wine! PLUS the extra trouble I added onto the original problem by trying to escape it. The human condition is such that it's meant to be fraught with pain & sadness, and that's the truth of the matter in a nutshell. The only way OUT of something is THROUGH it, allowing ourselves to process and to feel whatever emotion it is that's trying to come through.

What I did learn decades ago, however, was to greatly reduce my fear of death. By doing that, I made it easier to live my LIFE and to accept the fact that death happens to people I love (including myself) and that I could accept it more easily rather than fight it so furiously. I found acceptance through reading a lot (a LOT) of books about near death experiences. Two of my all time favorites are Proof of Heaven: A Neurosurgeon's Journey into the Afterlife by Dr. Eben Alexander. And the other one is To Heaven and Back: A Doctor's Extraordinary Account of Her Death, Heaven, Angels, and Life Again: A True Story, by Mary Neal, M.D. Both books were heart-warming and amazing accounts that may also help you to release some of the fear & sadness you have about losing your dad. You can find them on Amazon or used on eBay.

I lost both of my parents so I know how difficult it can be to witness the end of life process. There's not much you can 'do' except to sit with your dad and hold his hand, remind him of how much you love him, and how important he's been to you, and how big a stamp he's left on this Earth. Tell him it's okay to let go when he's nearing the end of this leg of his journey, and that you'll be fine, thanks to all he's taught you. That you are a strong woman because of him.

Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace.

Just be sad. Don't fight the feelings. I was super sad when I went through this with my mom. I knew I'd stay sad so I just let myself be that way.

One thing that helped was my faith and knowing my mom was a woman of strong faith as well. I knew she was escaping a sick, frail state of being and that helped.

Allow your mind to go where it goes. Pray if you are a person of faith. I wish you all the best.