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OK, I know I’m not going to cover all the details of what’s going on & based on some responses others here have gotten, I know someone will jump all over me & try to make me feel guilty, but just know in advance: I’m too tired to care if you bully me. I’m venting because I’m exhausted, frustrated, & quite frankly losing my mind. My therapist is amazed I haven’t crashed & burned from the stress.


My husband has dementia; the doctors guess Alzheimer’s, but I think they just pulled that out of the air to satisfy me. I’m pretty sure DH was in the early stages right when we got married, but he hid it well, blamed his forgetfulness & random bursts of anger (never directed at me) on his stressful job.


Almost immediately after marriage, he retired, we moved in together (he had lived & worked 500 miles away), and he began doing dumb things like drinking & driving. He was NOT like this before retirement, but I think boredom and the dementia started kicking in. Any time I had to leave town for work (there’s an age difference, so I’m way off from retirement still), he’d go get himself into trouble. He got himself arrested while I was away for six hours at a job interview! I should’ve bailed then. We wanted to buy a house, and that’s when I discovered he (in combination w/ last ex wife) had screwed up financially, he had NO savings, & there was a foreclosure on his credit. So, I used my good credit to buy our home & put it in my name.


About a year later, he has a mini stroke & I finally get a neurologist to listen to me about his behavior (I’d sent him to several & they all acted like I was a gold-digger or a worrywort, which puffed him up & bolstered his “there’s nothing wrong with me!” argument). Started him on Aricept & over the past 6 years, things have gotten worse. He won’t stop doing things I don’t WANT him to do (sticks his hand thru the delivery slot in the secure mailbox to pull out the mail so he can open it & hide it, write nonsense on it), but won’t do anything USEFUL (grab a banana or apple to feed himself).


I’d asked him when we married to get Long Term Care insurance; he lied & said it was too expensive (it wasn’t); now it’s too late. He has a good federal pension & good insurance, but he refused to sign up for Medicare Part D because “that’s for old people (he was in his mid-60s & qualified) & I already have insurance”, so now, Medicare won’t let him join without paying a BIG penalty. His last ex wife gets $1600/month & is constantly calling his cell, looking for more $. He has no kids.


He hasn’t driven since 2015 (the minute I learned I had cancer, he suddenly couldn’t drive; I was dragging myself out of bed with my chest wired shut after surgery, because he wouldn’t do anything for himself), so now I’m head chauffeur on top of everything else.


He fell out of bed this past April & is now urinary incontinent at night. I pay $20/hr for an unlicensed care aide (all more expensive companies have SUCKED) to come 3 days a week for 5 hrs each day, so I can get a break.


Now, he’s decided that he won’t get up out of bed for me; he wants me to stand there begging & cajoling while he lies there, soaking through the Depends and the washable bed pads.


I take him to doctors, and it’s SHOWTIMERS all the way; he’s “fine” & the doctors do nothing to help me. I’ve been to the Alzheimer’s Association, care aide companies, etc., and everyone just says “you’re going to have to place him”, but HOW?! I’d have to give up my home & all of his pension & SS & it would STILL be too expensive for a decent facility around here (I’ve checked; the nicest one is $7,000, smells like poop & keeps them in glorified prison cells).


I’m at the end of my rope. I make decent money, so we’re nowhere near qualifying for assistance, but we also can’t afford private pay without my having to go live in an RV with my dog! I’ve had places say that I should cash out MY retirement to pay for this! Insane!


How the hell do people (mostly women) DO this?

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Have you talked to an eldercare attorney?

Have you talked to a divorce e attorney?

No one here is going to shame you and tell you that you should put up with this. You might look into an annulment since this marriage was based on his lies.

Start taking care of YOU.
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I would seek a divorce. If he has a good retirement then you shouldn't have to pay any spousal support, especially if you can document the lies.

Okay, I am probably going to get reamed, if he wants to lay in his own waste, I would call the police or APS and get him into a psychiatric hospital. If he can help himself then he is a complete jerk and you need to protect your assets and let him figure it out. If he can't help himself, you need to protect yourself and your assets because of his lies, get him to a hospital and tell them you are divorced and you can't take him home it's not safe.

I am sorry that you have been duped by this guy. I know people like him and they are smooth operators and make you look like the bad guy.

I would install hidden cameras to show his doctors what he is really like. It is your home and you can legally install the cameras.

Hugs! You are in for a tough time, but you can make it through.
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tvdavis Oct 2019
Thank you for the response! Yes, I actually do have cameras, and they have saved my bacon a few times when he did something stupid & dangerous, requiring trips to the ER, and then acted weird, so they thought I was abusing him, or intimidating him into not speaking!

If I hadn’t let myself be talked into being his PoA, I would seriously be considering divorce. I’m just afraid I’ll end up stuck taking care of him financially anyway.

I’ll answer more later. I’m just really mad & not thinking straight right now.
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Hi! Thanks for the response. Yes, we’ve actually gone to an elder care attorney recommended by the Alzheimer’s Association, within the past six months. I should mention that my husband is a retired attorney (actually a low level judge) & he put on the charm & snowed this guy too. The elder attorney flat-out said: “I can tell he’s not needing placement yet!”, as if he were a doctor! Because I was asking if I’d get stuck with his debts if he was placed, and if I’d have to sell MY house (his name isn’t on the deed, but it’s a community property state), and what would happen to my survivor benefits from him if I divorced him (his ex wife would end up getting MORE, due to a weird rule with federal retirees & he and his ex being married more than ten years).

I’m frankly just ready to walk away from everything, get above Class C RV, sell the house, take my dog, and let the State figure it out. Nobody would help when I was desperate, depressed, and overwhelmed? Ok then; YOU deal with him, government!
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Hi! Thanks for the response. Yes, we’ve actually gone to an elder care attorney recommended by the Alzheimer’s Association, within the past six months. I should mention that my husband is a retired attorney (actually a low level judge) & he put on the charm & snowed this guy too. The elder attorney flat-out said: “I can tell he’s not needing placement yet!”, as if he were a doctor! Because I was asking if I’d get stuck with his debts if he was placed, and if I’d have to sell MY house (his name isn’t on the deed, but it’s a community property state), and what would happen to my survivor benefits from him if I divorced him (his ex wife would end up getting MORE, due to a weird rule with federal retirees & he and his ex being married more than ten years). An annulment isn’t an option. I’ve checked. Basically, I can’t PROVE he was aware of his condition before we got married; doctors say it was the stroke. I know he was a mess before that.

I’m frankly just ready to walk away from everything, get a nice Class C RV, sell the house, take my dog, and let the State figure it out. Nobody would help when I was desperate, depressed, and overwhelmed? Ok then; YOU deal with him, government!
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Honestly, I would get a divorce, this is not going to get any better. Because you are his POA doesn't mean that you are responsible for his bills, and you can rescind it at any time, very easy to do.

Since he has not been declared incompetent, this is the time to bail before he is declared.

Get yourself a divorce attorney and get the ball rolling.
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I would get a divorce and then sell out and start over.

Walking away being married is a problem for you, you could still be liable for him. You don't want that.

If he is putting on a show,I believe that he is aware of the problems and is being a jerk towards you. For me, that means that I have to not care about him,I have to protect me because he obviously will use me up and not give a care.
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