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I've been taking care of my mother-in-law for going on 3 months. She has had 4 strokes since 2009 her last 2 strokes occurred on March of this yr. This job was basically forced on me because my husband refused to put her in a home & his brother & his wife want nothing to do with it. My husband & I fought over this prior to her coming here after rehab because she needs too much care (24/7) & it would be too much on me with my medical conditions (thoracic outlet syndrome & degenerative disc disease). My husband wanted to take on the responsibility but I told him that he knew it would all be put on me because he works & I don't due to retirement disability. Plus I attend college 2-5 days a week. He promised it wouldn't all be put on me & that I wouldn't have to quit school but after she got here in April he realized that this job was an all day job & after telling me to sign up for my class and me paying $800.00 he asked me to drop it. I told him I will not drop my fall course. She is incapable of doing anything at all & the best & shortest way to describe it is that I'm caring for a 200 lb newborn baby. She has to be lifted out of bed & lifted out of her recliner everytime she says she has to go to the bathroom. I don't think she really knows though because she'll ask me if she went as I'm wiping her & her diaper is so heavily saturated everytime. She urinates so much it goes right through her diaper and even through a 100% waterproof mattress protector (at least it says it's 100% waterproof). I'm washing her bedclothes & night gowns everyday all day & my house now smells like urine. She just sits in a recliner all day calling me for everything. My husband rarely does anything except all the grocery shopping because I can't leave since she can't be left alone. To get her out of bed I have to pull her upper body up at the same time my other arm is wrapped around her legs twisting her lower body to get her legs over the edge of the bed & then would have to lift her up to her feet & it was hurting my back too much. She only has the strength to stand once you lift her to her feet but not on her own. I'm only 5'2 110 lbs (was 120 lbs but lost 10 lbs since she's been here). I now make my husband wake her up & get her out of bed before he leaves for work in the morning which is at 5 am if she's not already up. She's usually up at 3 am screaming our names waking all of us up to go to the bathroom even though she's soaked from urinating all night in bed. She doesn't get into bed until 8pm but doesn't fall asleep until 11pm or later. I can't go to bed until after she falls asleep because she drops the tv remote & calls me, she needs her pillow fixed when she slides down the bed, she needs her private areas scratched (yes I have to do that also) & she blasts the tv so loud that you can't hear any other tv in the house. If you turn your volume up it just turns into a battle of who can get their tv the loudest so I'm only getting 4 hrs sleep and taking care of her 20 hrs a day. Even when my husband is home he just sits there & watches me do it all. When I ask him to do it he gets an attitude. I just don't know what to do. I told him that when he's home he needs to take care of her because this was his decision & he wanted to take on the responsibility not me but he's never home because he works so much now. As bad as her physical health is she knows what's going on & her mental health is not perfect but she is able to make her own decisions just not care for herself. She does forget things but she knows what she's doing. My whole day consists of waiting on her hand & foot all day just sitting here waiting for my name to be called. I can't go out & cut my grass or even play with my 11 yr old son in the pool like every summer prior. I can't even talk on the phone without having to hang right up because she needs something. I'm lucky to eat 3 meals a week because I pretty much gave up on eating since every single time she'll call me to go to the bathroom while I'm in the middle of eating & it takes 8 minutes just to get her 10 ft to the bathroom so the whole bathroom fiasco takes 20 minutes & by then I lose my appetite. She slid out of her chair and sat on the floor when I was trying to take her to the bathroom & laughed. I tried 3 times to lift her but she wouldn't even try to help. I hurt my ribs, back, & tore something in my right breast & have a big lump now with pain shooting through it & because of this my son missed his school bus & I couldn't leave to take him so he missed school altogether. After 3 attempts I had to call 911 to come pick her up & they did then left. Just the other day she fell off the transfer chair in the bath while I was trying to get her out & again my husband wasn't here so I had to lift her out. I'm miserable. My house is no longer my home. I'm just a slave in my own home. I just don't know what to do.

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Oh,Misery, I'm so sorry for you and your son. Only 11? You shouldn't be in this hellhole at this stage of your life! I know how it is to have rehab kick out your parent after insurance runs out. They suddenly leave them in the care of someone with no medical training or experience with smiles on their faces! We drove my father home in a wet diaper and what seemed like a bomb between his legs! A huge metal oxygen tank that none of us had any experience with! Thats only a fraction of it - he is sliding scale insulin dependent , has fused neck and spine from spondylitis , kidney and heart failure. And a bedsore on his ass. Sent us home with a gallon ziploc of pills, two insulin pens, diapers, oxygen tank , plastic urinal, butt cream and gloves! Him cussing and yelling the whole way. Ugh. Makes me so mad! But, I noticed that you said your husband has poa. He can put her in a nursing home if he will. If he won't , try taking her back to her house with caregivers until he gets off work- then he can tend to her until he puts her to bed. I know, sounds good but. The world just doesn't care about women caregivers. It would be different if men had to step up to the plate! When is the next women's rights march???
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That's not true.
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I thought of you so much today & I believe you have another potential problem to be aware of: if she has debts, & she’s now your responsibility....well then so will her debts be yours too! Just don’t say I didn’t warn you....govt can put a lien on your home & you will have yourself a major nightmare in addition to the one you already have!
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So sad you and your husband are going through this. Please don’t let your MIL pull the two of you apart. Most likely she doesn’t want to go into a home because you are doing everything for her, and it’s FREE! It sounds like you have a compassionate heart and you’re doing your very best, but she will suck the life out of you and your marriage as long as she has the opportunity. Tough love would mean you Do Not take care of her every need. Allow her to be the one in misery, if it means putting her back in her own home and giving her the number of an aide that can come once or twice a day and if you choose, tell her you’ll stop in once a day to check on her. She has to reach a point where she Knows she needs to be in a home. That will be the Very best thing for her and for you. May God give you the guidance and help to do it.
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My take on this site is get different options, then choose the one that fits your situation best!
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I also thought of this: get a dr note & show EMS when they come to house so they know you are on disability & can’t take care of her.
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No sense thinking about what you should have done or could have done, but she will have to be lifted again....either out of bed or into bathroom...& you cannot do this without lift machine...so this is your opportunity to call 911 & say you cannot transfer her...she’s no lightweight....& you must get her to hospital & then the Social Worker there will help you place her into SNF even for rehab & then you can decide what to do. ...leave her there or have insurance send hoyer lift to your house w home health aides to operate it & they will transfer her w that. She needs 24 hr care w professionals . Don’t kill your self over this. She’s not even your own mother . Nobody can force you to do anything unless they are holding a gun to your head 😡🔫
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Yes, this was a 'enjoyable' thread, and I learned a lot of useful information from the wonderful people giving great, helpful information. We certainly all came to the aid, of someone who was asking for help, didn't we? I guess this thread is done, now..so..until the next thread..adios!
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I know that cry!!
I was 300+ twice in my life. When I was in my teens, then after my second son was born. (1989)

Back in the early 80s diet pills had enphedra and caffeine in them. I took handfuls everyday and lost 140lbs in 4 months. Brilliant, I know. 

The next time I got that big, I had the surgery. Gone up and down, here and there, but pretty much maintain 162ish. At 5'7 that's good. Huh, I used to be 5'8. Lol, If I hit 172, it's salads and intermittent fasting. Boom! Weight comes right off. Thank God, cause I can not maintain a diet for any real period of time. I'm truly a food addict. Thanks for sharing that Lil' Joy! 😉
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I did back then when I lost the weight. I cried in the women’s clothing section of Kohl’s when I realized I didn’t need to go into the plus-sized section. But, like my surgeon said, it’s a tool and not a cure, and it’s certainly not the “easy way out” people think it is. To this day, I’ll make myself a plate of food and take one bite and put it back. Thankfully, my husband no longer interrogates me about why. I’m a bust at buffets and I tell servers at restaurants to bring me a to-go box as soon as they bring my food. I can say I no longer have paralyzing back spasms that I had when I was carrying all that extra weight, but it didn’t help much with the arthritis or fibromyalgia. All in all, I’d say it was worth it. I’ve gained some back, but I’ll never be over 300# again!
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Good for you Ahmijoy!! I had it in 1990 or 91when it was grueling and left a huge scar. Betcha feel so much better!
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I had the surgery. Lost 100 pounds in a year.
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Love that show, it made me feel skinny! Twisted, I know.
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This has been one enjoyable thread. For those who think Misery was blowing smoke, if you get a chance watch a show called My 600 lb life. Her story is similar to one James K. He was/is an obese bed bound man who depended on his girlfriend and daughter to do everything for him. He is in his 40s his daughter teens. He would get very verbal and angry easily. Enjoyable episode with some laughs as well.
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Susanneedshelp

If you get a chance watch My 600 lb life. Miserys story sounds similar to some of their episodes.
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She’s gone, guys.
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You must get physician to order home health and make sure to ask for PT AND OT AND AIDE and find out about a HOYER lift and whether she would qualify, you are going to injure yourself with these transfers. And tell the professionals to train your husband in how to use it!! You should not be shouldering all this burden, period.
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Please insist to your husband on moving your mother in law into a care home. The pressure and stress on you is unacceptable. No one should have to endure such a strain when professional care services are available. Please contact social services and get a social worker involved to do an assessment of your mother in laws needs. My father died two weeks ago after caring full time for my mother for several years (she has dementia). No one fully saw the extent of the pressure my father was under as a full time carer with no outside support. It killed him in the end, please do not allow your mother in law to take your life. You have the right to make choices here to protect your own wellbeing. Please act now.
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Please insist to your husband on moving your mother in law into a care home. The pressure and stress on you is unacceptable. No one should have to endure such a strain when professional care services are available. Please contact social services and get a social worker involved to do an assessment of your mother in laws needs. My father died two weeks ago after caring full time for my mother for several years (she has dementia). No one fully saw the extent of the pressure my father was under as a full time carer with no outside support. It killed him in the end, please do not allow your mother in law to take your life. You have the right to make choices here to protect your own wellbeing. Please act now.
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Maybe I got this wrong, but I understood that MIL when in her own home was "getting help" by inviting in grifters. When mental illness is involved, and I suspect it is here, then you have a problem for sure. You could send her back to her home, as a competent adult, but she isn't really. So what does someone who wants to protect an elder do in this situation? Wait for the bricks to fall and then take over? Probably only thing you can do but it sure is a rock and a hard place.
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I bet it feels good to just get this off your chest with people who will listen.
I like the idea of you leaving when your husband comes home because you need a break!! For heavens sake, don’t separate or get a divorce! That will certainly add to your problems, and with your mother-in-laws health she may not be alive for long. Please sit down with your husband and come up with a plan that’s workable for both of you and your family. Who helped her before she moved in with you?
My Mom’s Dr. ordered therapists to come in and do an evaluation and insurance covered it. Then they came in a couple times a week to help her become more moble. If your mother-in-law has a couple good friends, ask them to come visit her while you have lunch with a good friend. And, Pray!!
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I gave her plenty of advice on the assumption there was nothing she could do and planning for the long haul with her MIL. She needs to spend some of the MIL's $3K per month on a helper and also a better bed and lift to save her back.
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I call it like I see it. Misery's boy's feelings were discussed (which was fine), so I really don't see the problem with pointing out the swimming without supervision issue. And, as people have stated, it wasn't just her son. It was his friends, also. Safety is very important.

Thread policing never works. If someone doesn't like the way a thread is going, then they can leave.

As far as Misery goes, I, too, wonder if she was real. I don't believe that there was nothing she could do to make her situation better. She chooses to believe there is nothing she can do. I'm not sure why she ever even posted, then. Did she want to win a Martyr for the Day award?
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Hi Ahmijoy...thanks..it hurts my heart too. I am not always Little Susie Sunshine either... but we all need to support and stand with each other. As I said.. the advice I was given by everyone was wonderful and I knew it my choice as to whether I took it or not, but knowing I was not alone and had people I could talk to meant and means so much to me. I hope we all get back to the easy relaxed "relationship" that I saw when I first joined this forum.. Everyone has an off day...
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Hi Becky...I am so sorry to hear of the cardiac issues you are going through. And so hope that you are on the mend soon. What you are going through is difficult to say the least but you sound like a strong woman and a fighter who won't give up.

I am going through the same thing with my honey. He has severe heart failure and right now is on an IV 24/7 here at home. He and the doctors are trying to determine if he will go for a heart pump or try to get on the transplant list though with his age and past medical history they are not sure he would be accepted as a candidate. I am so glad you have been accepted and can get on the list if it is needed.

I am not trying to be nosey but what type of cardiac surgeries have they/are they doing? Though I do not know you... I do care and my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Please keep us posted and let us know how you are doing.
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Thanks, Dusti. Some of these posts just hurt my heart. This group is my refuge, too. I’m not Little Susie Sunshine, but sniping at each other just makes me so sad. None of us needs MORE stress.
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Hi Everyone,
I have read through all the posts (I may not always post but am on here daily reading posts) and am really sad right now. Y'all are a wonderful bunch of people and helped me so much.... please no more fussing at each other. I can understand the situation that Mercy is in as I have seen it with two families that I knew. Life is no picnic in the situation that she is in any more than it is in a lot of our lives as caregivers.

I am not fussing at anyone, just saying lets get back to being a "team" to help and emotionally support each other. I came very close to splitting with my honey and am still having some bad days. But thanks to all the wonderful advice on here (and a month without him around) I was able to get my feet under me and boundaries set as to what I will tolerate. I am not saying that my situation is perfect as it isn't, but at least now I have a handle on it. Course I am not promising that I will not be back on here venting about my situation and asking for additional advice or a shoulder to cry on. (smile)

If not for all y'all, I probably would have run down the street screaming by now. The advice y'all gave I knew was mine to take or leave, but y'all also gave me an opportunity to vent; to get things out in the open which along with the advice helped more than anyone knew.

I hope Misery will return and let us know how she is doing. Y'all take care and have a great day!
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Last comment from me.
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Guys, Mercy is long gone. She (and her husband if he did post) aren’t coming back, for whatever reason. She didn’t want our advice. Probably never did. She started a really upsetting to me bunch of posts. This thread is getting so accusatory I’m surprised it hasn’t been deleted. Let’s just please let it all go. Please.
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Becky, this was hardly an attack. And I'm truly sorry you're having Heath problems. But that hasn't stopped you from repeatedly posting your opinions. But when I respond, and you don't like it, your health becomes an issue?
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