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I have complained about my mom's clingy personality and demands on my time on a daily basis. As some of you know she has mild dementia and lives on her own in her own house across the street, but I am her source of "entertainment' and companionship. Well, tonight things are in perspective for me. For the umpteenth time, my significant other, who I think has very narcissistic abusive (emotionally) tendencies, has up and MOVED OUT taking all his belongings, because I didn't "shut the h*ll up" after a very dumb argument he started. He literally left me again. I am the only adult in my house with a very small family anyhow; an 18 yr old son and 13 yr old daughter. I'm feeling relief that the black cloud has left the building.... but I'm terrified. I have co-dep tendencies and there is no coda place to meet here where I live. I am having a little mild PTSD due to my ex walking out on me and placing blame on me for everything. I feel overwhelmed more than usual. And then I had a new feeling. I was AFRAID of being without my mom! She and the kids are the only people who really love me and she is the only mom I have left! I am losing her in little bits and pieces due to the dementia, but she DOES take up a lot of my time. What is going to happen to me when my mom dies? My kids will probably be starting their own lives at that time and I'll have nobody who cares about me. I'm sorry if this sounds pathetic but tonight I'm having a very hard time and I'm really scared for my future. As much as my mom bugs me, I am going to lose it when she's gone. Any words of wisdom or thoughts?

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Nikki, what you need is a hobby for JUST YOURSELF. Find something that turns you on and do it. Re-establish connections with friends you've let go, join a gym, go to the library and spend some time, take a class, go to a gun range and learn to shoot. Find something that you think would be interesting to try, and DO IT. When (not if) your mom dies, make sure you don't cling to your kids and alienate them, so you need to have an interest of your own to fall back on when you feel you're left alone. And find a good church to attend too. That would be my advice. Good riddance to dead beat boyfriend BTW. ♥
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Sorry you are having to deal with all this right now. You might look into counseling for you and your children. You allowed this man to live with your children all these years, they probably have issues as well.

Your children aren't going to "leave" you. They are going to grow up and want to have a happy life and family of their own. Just the way it is suppose to happen. You've got plenty of time to get yourself and your family on the right track, so you can be a healthy part of their adulthood. Don't waste another minute on anything but all the good you have to look forward to!

Wishing you all the best!
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Nikki, losing our parents is a fear we all face. They are someone we could always depend on. They wouldn't let us starve or go homeless (usually). They were always there if we needed a fallback. When they die, we become orphans with no choice but to depend on ourselves. It is scary, particularly when your significant other (SO) walks out the door. I never understand how people can just walk away. We live in a crazy, unstable world.

You will be okay, Nikki. Though it is frightening, losing our parents is the natural order of things and we manage to survive. Maybe her becoming dependent on you (and not codependent) is an opportunity for growth.

Do you want your SO to come back? Or is it good bye to bad rubbish? When you said you were relieved it made me think maybe the latter.
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I am alone. Divorced an abusive, narcisist 10 years ago. My kids are grown and gone now, one living 1500 miles away. But I have to tell you, once you allowe yourself to be alone---really alone--and give yourself a chance to rediscover who you are and your inner strength again, you will become reborn in a sense. Flat tire? yea got AAA and got it fixed. Got laid off? Got another job. All my fears were basically realized and I conquered them one by one.

Now that I've grown and reclaimed myself, I can honestly say I'd rather be alone than be in a rotten relationship just to have a man. I control my own remote, I travel when I want, buy what I want, eat dinner when I want etc etc. Its truly freeing, not frightening.

What is more frightening is to allow your fears and anxieties to make you fear change.

The other thing, is please don't continue to expose your young daughter to this. She will grow up thinking its ok for a man to treat a woman like that and repeat this. Your heart will break when you see her in a bad relationship because you didn't give her a good role model. Be strong. You can live w/o a man really you can. Let your son see you are a strong woman too. Grow for them as well as yourself.

Get counseling if you have to. And what you described is called crazy making. If you read about abusive relationships, thats one of the signs...horrible behavior then turning around and acting all nice and sweet. It keeps you off your guard and makes you think "well if only he could be that way all the time" or "see I knew he was a good guy underneath" then bam! the rug is pulled out. Abusers see the weakness and they lose respect for their victims thinking "how much will see take before she's had enough." Usually the woman stays no matter what. Be glad he left.

Mostly, why do you want to stay in this relationship? You have enough with your mom on your plate and your teenage daughter. Allow yourself some me-time and personal space and after awhile you will enjoy it. take care.
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I think people are getting a bit off subject here. Nikki is asking for support while she goes through this difficult time. She does not have an empty nest and she has no plans to take her ex-boyfriend back. She just needs lots of hugs and encouragment right now. her big girl pants are on order and in time she will pull herself up by her bootstraps.but now she needs a sympathetic shoulder to cry on.
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Good riddance. Count your blessings he left. In a few months you will wonder what the heck you were thinking. You need to focus on your real family. You don't know how much time you have left to spend with your mom so relish every minute. Now that the major source of your stress has left you will be in a better frame of mind and you will enjoy your mom more. You kids are so much better off with the bad role models removed from their lives. I can only imagine the stress level in your home. Kids are not stupid, they know when you are not happy.Your kids need to be around people that will teach them how to treat people and how to be treated. You wouldn't want your daughter to pick her husband based on how you have been treated and you sure don't want your son treating women the way you he has seen men treat you. That jerk walking out is a huge blessing.
Find a hobby to share with your kids. Invest your time and love in them. They will be growing up and starting their own lives before you know it. Send them out with love and kindness in their hearts. Some family counseling would be a very good thing. God bless you and your sweet family.
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Nikki, my last marriage lasted just short of 8 years and it was a miracle that I didn't miss him one bit...especially once I started the dating thing again. I only hurt for what it put our boys through. God sent me the mate I needed after that and we've been together 24 yrs as of TODAY. Good luck in all you do and with your mom. I will miss mine too when she is gone...for now its regular visits to the nursing home for me. You have a great day!
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Nicki
Your boyfriend was abusive. No qualifications - just plain abusive. Emotional abuse can be worse than physical because there is no way for anyone else to know the extent of your pain. A broken arm can be seen and understood by others. A broken self can not.
Please contact a local domestic violence center. They're easy to find - you found this website and hooked up with many smart, caring people, you can also find help for what you're dealing with with your boyfriend. You'll be surprised how many others share your situation and the services a good DV center can provide for you and your kids. Kids learn from what they see. And if they see toxic relationships they can believe that's how relationships are supposed to be. On the other hand if they see you moving away from this and into a safe, healthy existence they will learn from that and know that they can always improve their situation.
As to medication, please look into a different Rx. There are many which may not have the same backlash effect on you. An Rx that's right for you will not. And think of it as - if you had diabetes you'd take insulin, not because you weren't strong enough to keep your blood sugar level, but because you needed to. Right now you may need to take something to help you keep your emotional health level.
What you're going through now is tough but you can do it.
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Hahaha...now the kitten has worms!! Our lives sound a little similar only in the fact that it seems like if it's not one thing, it's another!! I'm 58, my children are now 30 and 23...and I'm spending part of a week at home and the other part at mom's since her dementia is progressing. I'm also being forced into earlier than expected retirement in July since AA/USAir is moving my department from Tulsa to Phoenix. I've been guilty of giving too many chances to people and allowing them to use me...causing financial difficulties, etc. I could continue to look backwards and feel like an idiot...but I'm choosing to look forward now (you can't see the future if you're looking backward). I will also be alone ...my oldest sister died 10 years ago, my next sister probably has about 6 months, and my mom's mind will continue to disappear...BUT, I have 2 grandchildren (and some day you will too!!!)...and now that you have the opportunity to change things and make some good friends and ENJOY life, your outlook will improve! I wish you all the best...keep that chin up!
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Fairygal, how are you feeling about things in general? Did your husband's stroke come out of the blue, was he in good health previously and then wham! - just like that? It's just it strikes me that two months - although it's a long time to be doing his feeding tube four times a day and feeling trapped - is not very long to adjust to a completely different-looking future. I wonder if you need to give yourself a bit longer to to settle down before you embark on new plans. Do you want to start a separate thread on the forum about that, maybe?
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