I love her like no other and she means the world to me.
What happens is, she won't seem to believe me that she has enough of her medication and isn't going to run out. I will not let that happen and have told her many times. (This is only one example.) I know it's part of her condition which isn't formally diagnosed at this point. She came from out of state to live with me this past September. I have a 30 day supply holder which holds four daily doses of her medications. If she sees she has 11 days left, she is "going to run out." I just haven't filled the empty ones, as there is no need yet. I remember the last time she was holding a bottle out to me and shaking terribly trying to explain that she will not have enough, and I let my temper get the best of me. The sweetest woman in the world who is afraid and who I am supposed to be caring for. She was shaking like a leaf both out of fear of not having her meds, and sadly out of fear of making me angry.
No one understands how my guilt over such a thing makes me want to end my own life at times. I don't know how I could love someone so much and then cause them such pain. Of course killing myself over something like that would be far worse for her anyway. Maybe. She's so precious and doesn't deserve one ounce of pain that comes her way, from any direction. I do see a therapist, but those memories haunt me terribly. I want to cry my eyes out and scream and curse whoever let this happen to her. No one deserves to live in her condition, and she certainly doesn't deserve my anger that makes her feel in any way that I don't love her or care.
Has anyone found a good practice to stop this before it goes too far in any given situation? I'm not physically abusive of course, but I know I can make my words and actions sting. And she'll suffer an entire night through worried about making me angry and apologizing the next day. Every aspect hurts me so much--hurting her in any way at all. I'd cut off an arm to never hurt her again. So what's wrong with me? Why do I have trouble controlling my anger in the moment? It's actually more frustration than anger. I'm sad beyond belief that I've essentially lost my mom and even more so that I could behave so poorly at times.
I think part of your problem is that you are still trying to "reason" with your mother, which indicates your internal view of your mother is still from a time where she was fully functional. We have an easier time accepting physical changes of aging than the mental ones when our loved ones develop dementia behaviors. I so remember the day I realized how damaged my father's thinking was. I was helping him install a new dishwasher in his kitchen, but my dad, with more than 40 years experience in the construction trades and management, could not figure out who to run the plumbing lines. After we finished the dishwasher installation, I went home and cried almost non-stop for hours.
Dementia destroys the ability to reason, memory of explanations, and many times sweet and helpful personality. If you can come to separate in your mind the mother who was fully capable from the disease behaviors you have now, you may it much easier to cope. I held the image of my father as he chose to be from his early 50s as my "true" father. The man who could yell that I wasn't his daughter anymore and to get out of his house and never step food on his property again was NOT my father - that was the disease - which he had no control over. When I was able to accept at an emotional level that Dad's brain was broken and that many to most of his behaviors were no longer choices, it became so much easier to cope, to not anger in the moment and to not be so hurt by his angry words.
I use the brief timeout to control my temper. Sometimes its just taking a deep breathe and slowing letting it out. Sometimes its stepping into the hall and closing my eyes for several deep breaths. Sometimes after managing the moment, I need to go outside and walk around the house a couple of times. You can control your temper (at least most of the time), you just have find a technique or two that works for you.
As a practical matter, I suggest getting a smaller 7 day medication box and a calendar for her room (as well as removing the medication bottles from her procession). I "X" the day off the calendar when I tell Mom good night and so the next morning she sees from the calendar which day of medicine she needs to take.
Anything you find yourself have repeated discussions about, you need to see if there is some way you can redirect, change or avoid the conversation because reasoning is not going to work anymore.
Most of us feel overwhelmed at many points during care giving. Therapy and support groups (like this board) can help a lot. But also remember that some people are not able to provide direct care giving. Your mother is young enough I imagine you are still working full time. Dementia is a journey of decline where at some point our LO needs 24/7 supervision and care we cannot provide alone. If resources allow, perhaps you should consider placing your mother in MC. In the meantime, please consider contacting your Area Agency on Aging and see what programs are available that can assist you in caring for Mom at home. Even a few hours a week of respite or day care can reduce our stress levels a lot and strengthen our ability to control our temper/emotions.
You might try asking your mom’s doctor if they can order Home Heath for her especially to do her meds and get her some home therapy.
I know you can easily do her meds. Don’t mention that. Just ask for an evaluation. The Home Health nurse will tell the doctor what all they can help your mom with and the doctor can order HH. Often a nurse handling the meds and assuring your mom can make all the difference. She’s anxious about herself and now you are both overly anxious. Plus her mobility issues can be addressed and a nurses aide can come in to help her with her bath.
Edward If you can get your mom home health you will probably be able to keep her home longer. Give it a try and see what you can find out.
The way you are going sounds like it’s going to be difficult for you to continue to care for mom at home.
I see she hasn’t had her first Texas summer. I bet she enjoyed the mild Texas winter. You will get more ideas from others. I’m sure you are doing a great job with your mom but you need some help. You have to take care of you too.
This is such a horrible disease. Its so frustrating. Forgive urself. She probably has forgotten.
I lurked here for a while before I joined and I am glad I did.
Right now the problem is medications. It just might be something else next week.
Food, eating, clothing, etc.
The calendar thing is a good idea but mark it in red for the day to order refills.
That might help.
I have heard of some pharmacies that do an automatic refill on meds. You might look into that and mark the day for arrival.
We also had our scrips written for 90 day supplies. Do you think that might help if you insurance company will cover it? You might want to talk to your pharmacy or PCP for some help on this. Not all meds can be written for more than 30 days.
And by all means hide the bottles. Maybe even some way of marking the holder with a piece of tape as a reminder of when to order refills. If she seess that tape or whatever youmight use she will remain calm or she just might remind you of when to order refills.
Best of luck and please come here when ever you feel the need.
I suspect that many people do have trouble realizing that the person they care for really cannot understand certain things and no matter how many times you explain it, they are never going to get it. Getting upset does not help that. That's why continuing to go through the debate about her medication will likely never improve, if you keep expecting her to be able to understand what you mean and then process it. I'd work on another method. Perhaps, having her medication administered by you or another responsible person would help, so she is not holding onto the medication container herself. She may not be able to handle that any longer.
I hope that you can find some help for the both of you. Please post with an update if you can.
No doubt you love your mom, but you're facing what many of us faced with caregiving. A complete lack of understanding, because we are dealing with an unknown. Dementia isn't something most people have experienced until you experience it.
Feeling upset is absolutely normal, lashing out is absolutely normal but learning when and where is training.
I would sit down with mom and tell her that you are sorry for handling things so poorly, explain that you are scared and confused and you promise to do better. Taking responsibility and asking forgiveness is cathartic. It brings light on this dark subject that people don't want to face. It will be okay, she is just as scared and confused and she is your mom, she will understand you.
Perhaps she can't handle her own meds, but maybe just saying that you have it on your calendar to do will reassure her that you have a plan. Routine is vital where dementia exists, so finding a routine that works for both of you will help.
Caregiving is not a one man job, you need support for both of your sakes. She can't be left alone for long periods and you can't work yourself to death.
Sometimes hiring a personal chef or housekeeper or taking the laundry to the wash and fold, maybe a landscaper, anything that relieves the stress on you is a good place to start. Have an aid or just a companion to come visit mom. Speak with her doctor and get her assessment done and ask for a referral for home health. Check into having the Pharmacy do bubble packs, all her meds would be sorted when you receive them, no sorting required.
There are a hundred things that can change the current dynamics and you just have to be creative and open to doing things differently. You are doing a very difficult job by caring for your mom. Learn to forgive yourself when you goof up. Stuff happens and we all do things we would never intentionally do, give yourself the grace you give your mom, it will help you not be on eggshells all the time, which for me is a surefire way to screw up, nerves.
Give mom a big hug, tell her you are sorry and thank her for being such a great mom. Promise to do better and tell her she has nothing to fear from you, even when you are roaring like a lion you are just mouthing off.🤐😁