I’m living with my mother, doing all the work and not getting compensated. Advice?

I so empathize with your situation. My ILs tried to do it to us when both of us were unemployed. They are both severely ill, her with a cancer dx and he now just home with a stroke.

I'm in one of the more expensive regions in the country, and they live in one of the more elite cities within it. That said, the going rate for a room, even there, would be at max $1,500/month.

That's about what the average SS benefit is for one person; you have two and you also have your income.

It goes beyond that. When we said no, fmil threw her fit but eventually they got a lady to stay with her and ffil overnights and on weekends. The lady is only paid $4 over county minimum wage, but she works--get this--over 120 hours a week. Her monthly cost is $9,500.

They also employed Brother's Wife as a day-shift person/overall manager at 50 hours a week. They are paying her $7,000 month.

So that's $16,500. You could rent an entire estate for that, even here. It is certainly more than $1,500. The costs would be about half that were they to go into assisted living.

SS for two people plus your income should be able to get you an apartment, and that will then balance the scales with you and sister as well as restore some space for you and DH.

Does your Mother have dementia? If not she is capable of making a care contract with you and your husband. This would mean that your room and board are a part of that contract, then costs for the home will be paid by your mother (are you her POA) and her bills for the home paid by her. There could also be a cost for meals and meal prep, and for what care assistance you give. THIS should all be set in stone in a Lawyer's office with your Mother present and assessed by the Lawyer as competent to understand these decisions.
Your sister and her opinion figure in this NOT AT ALL. In fact, as you are sole caregiver this need not be discussed with Sis unless you wish to do so (I can give you family mediation information if you wish to private message me and are interested in setting up such a thing with Sis).
Do understand that income will be reported by you and your husband through the IRS. None of this can be done willy-nilly. Get professional advice.
You and your husband may not wish to continue in hand on caregiving. If you do not then your Mom may at some stage require medicaid help. If that is the case it is important that all costs and receipts Mom is having for any expenditures be carefully kept with meticulous records for the 5 year lookback. GOOD LUCK to all of you.

First thing I would do is stop discussing the issue with your sister, and instead discuss it with your mother.

We live in the San Francisco Bay Area. Rents here are out of our price range. My husband gets $2000/mo SS and I get just over $1000. we also have to pay for health insurance. Most weeks I work on average 10 hours +/-. We have 4 cats and trying to squeeze into a small one bedroom apartment isn’t an option. My husband is on the ragged edge of leaving. The stress is effecting his health.

what is a fair amount to receive for caregiving? We literally can’t go anywhere together as a couple.

It does sound like your mother's cognitive abilities might preclude being able to sign care agreement documents, assign POAs, etc.

IF she is beyond that capability, guardianship/conservatorship may be the only option. I personally don't know how that all works, but I should think the guardians would get paid, Non-family guardians don't do this for free! IF she has assets, they would be used to cover the legal costs and pay for your services.

The only other option I can think of is getting her placed in a facility, using her assets. If she owns her home, that may have to be sold, so plan accordingly. That would have to mean moving to a place where costs are not so high.

IF she is still capable, then certainly you could give an agreement a try, but she would have to be willing AND you should do this with proper legal and financial advice. As another commenter noted, that would be considered income, so it has to have taxes, SS and all that taken out and filed accordingly. It could also impact your SS benefits (you recoup some of that later, after she passes and there's no more income.)

Determining a fair wage for care-giving isn't something that we here on this forum can gauge. Rates vary depending on what region you are in (for instance, some ALs in NYC area would be thousands more than what we pay for our mother, yet it is much less down south. Cost of living matters.) You'd need some legal assistance to determine what a fair wage would be, factoring in that you are live in help. It is also highly dependent on how much income and/or assets she has too.

IF she is very low income, you could check into Medicaid. They don't pay for full time in-home care-givers, but something is better than nothing (family can be the care-givers.)

See if any Elder Law attys in your area offer a free initial consult. Document everything you can, to make best use of that time. Form all your questions before you go and take notes. IF she's already been deemed incompetent, you likely will have to go the court route. If she hasn't, and isn't too bad, the atty can determine whether she's capable of signing agreements and documents.

As I posted to another comment, sister's opinion is worth 0. I would NOT discuss anything further with her. The only thing I might say to her, esp if she brings it up or complains if you seek to get this changed legally, is if she thinks it's such a great deal, why doesn't she take over? Sure, free room and board is great (no idea if you and husband contribute to the living costs and food), but there ARE other needs which require some form of income.

I feel your pain! I had my mom with me for 15 years and no pay!

Your sister doesn’t care. Bypass her and discuss the matter with your mom and an attorney.

My siblings were not supportive of me. It became too much. I started setting boundaries and mom blew a rod!

Living in a house with a parent absolutely puts stress on a marriage.

There is no privacy. There is no time to plan any special times away for just the two of you. It becomes miserable. I sought out therapy which definitely helps.

It’s hard on parents too. Most don’t want to be a burden and they have lost their independence.

They are suffering emotionally and physically. There is nothing that is easy for them. They lost their spouse. Friends and family members have died and so on.

My mom took her frustrations out on me and pitted her children against each other.

My brothers were not approachable. They believed all of my mother’s embellished tales.

My brothers were trying to intimidate me, one said that I was disappointing mom.

Mom has been a perfectionist as long as I can remember. He felt that he could do better.

Guess what I said? Then go right ahead! Mom lives with him and his fourth wife and now he sees what I went through.

He is retired and has hospice helping out.

My other brother doesn’t help him. The only time he came to my house was to eat and get money from mom. He spends all his money on partying.

As relieved as I was to no longer be caregiving, it was a painful and stressful way to say goodbye to my mom.

I talk to mom on occasion. I am not close to my siblings, which is fine with me.

I was always there for them in their time of need. I can’t say the same for them being there for me.

I wish them no harm. I am happy that mom is being cared for.

I am happy my husband and I can share our life privately again, especially since he was recently diagnosed with cancer and receiving radiation treatments.

Life is short. I sincerely hope that you find a viable solution soon.

Wishing you peace during this difficult time in your lives.

I feel your pain, too. And I think your sister would be wise to calculate how much 24/7 live in care and supervision costs on the open market before she gives you and your husband so much incentive to move out.

Having said that - what's stopping your husband getting work of some sort, sorry? You explained that he was unable to regain employment, but surely if you can put in 3 hours a day then purely for the sake of fair shares he's had time to think of *something* remunerative he can do?

Have you looked into moving to a low cost of living are where your SS would allow you to live adequately?

Check with the local Elder Services agency. There may be programs that compensate caregivers available in California. In Massachusetts the program is called Adult Foster Care, it’s Medicaid funded and a caregiver living with an elderly or disabled person can receive a tax free stipend for providing care.

Usually I have to disagree with the family, that isn't in the daily caregiving role. But, in this case, I have to side with your sister. Your living there Free! I take care of my mother, live in her home, and pay over half the bills!! So, my question is, aren't you able to save since you aren't paying bills? Is your husband looking for work or able to work?
Look, once you move in with a parent, you take on the responsibility of their health decline. I agree with you, it's not easy!! But, if I wasn't paying bills here, I'd definitely been able to save a little nest egg. This however, is what family does for family. Mom is 96? I know your burn out, I am too. But, life is limited and your mom won't be with you that long. Unlike your sister, you will have the memories with your mother. I pray you find resolution. It sounds like a fair trade of to me!! Take care & good care of mom! Kelly

If your mother has to money she should pay or contribute to the expense of the household. You probably should do some kind of written agreement --- keep it simple. Make sure that what you are charging is no more than the "Fair Market Value"; include a contribution to household expenses plus your time/services. Since you are living with her free you should deduct the "Fair Market Value" of the housing. Your sister is right that any calculation should be balanced -- but the cost of help would be greater


You should get right on it while your mother is still competent. Be sure to discuss with your siblings -- not to ask permission -- just to get input -- So later there are no surprises.

You need to call/visit several assisted living facilities and ask them to quote you what it would cost for her to live there and what all of the extra services would cost like assistance with bathing, dressing, the managing of medications, laundry, etc.  Get several quotes from several places.  I promise you the cost will be at least $4,000 per month.  If you were living outside of your moms home, I doubt you would be spending $4,000 per month on rent.  For the sake of math, let's just say you found a house or apartment to rent for $1200 per month.  You and your husband living there and taking care of her 24/7 is saving your mom thousands of dollars.  You need to be paid for what you are providing and giving up.  Tell your sister you will gladly pay your mom $1200 per month rent when she starts paying you $4,000 for the 24/7 care you provide.

I am just being snarky when I say that, but it would not be unreasonable for your mom to pay you $1,000 a month for the care that you provide.  Your sister is correct...there is no free meal.  That means your mom doesn't get free care.  Her care would cost more than your rent.

30 years my mother moved in no pay now she’s 92 can not be alone LBD cannot do a thing for herself I am 24/7/365 caregiver no siblings and now she doesn’t know who I am, a good friend she says!

Have a talk with your mom explaining everything and let her know that she needs more help now and you're exhausted.

Give her your ideas and options that would work for you.

My 96 yr old Dad with Dementia is living in his own home and I've hired 24 7 Caregivers.

I looked very hard and the least expensive I could hire them for was $9 hr which is $1512 a week and usually you find them no less than $12 an hour.

So, you agree to a weekly price, then you subtract a fair portion for You and your husband's Rent and you deduct that from the Caregiving charge tgat your mom needs to pay.

Or, hire a 24 7 Caregivers and have your mom pay it all and ya'll pay your mom Rent.

In regards to your sister, you can let her know after things with your mom has been agreed upon if you want.

Shw should hzve no problem with the agreement as long as your mom is paying you the least expensive price of what most Caregivers charge and know that ya'll will be deducting Rent. That is Fair.

If you decide to hire 24 7 Care, your sister can always have a schedule to make some extra money.

$1512 a week is a lot of money,, so you will have to see how long your mom is able to afford it..

after her money runs out then it will be you and your sister taking turns watching her, but you and your husband will still need to be paying a fair rent.

The only other optiin would be to put your mom in a Senior Home where she would be lonely, Sad, scared , feel unloved, and probably not live very long, especially with the covid.

Praters ya'll can work it out.

Do you know if your sister was ever diagnosed with a personality disorder?

Only one question you need to answer since mom is quite a bit older.

What will you and your hubby do when mom passes away?

If I was in this situation, I would start working on that plan - because it could become a reality any day. Talk and work with your hubby on this while also caring for your mom.

My husband and I lived with my father during his last years and did all the care taking and property maintenance. It never crossed our minds that we should be paid for doing that. We were grateful to have a place to live and my siblings were grateful that my husband and I were taking care of our father. We did not give much thought to what we were not doing during those years; we just tried to do our best at taking care of dad and the house.

Ours sounds like a situation similar to your own, (i also worked part-time into my 70's), but we were fortunate to be supported by more positive attitudes. my husband used to say, "You have to live somewhere." My siblings knew how expensive hired in-home help would have been and were delighted we did not have to arrange that. My father was delighted to be able to stay in his own home. For our family, this was a very successful arrangement.

Go to an elder law attorney and explain. He or she can write up a contract for the assistance you provide with the rent you are saving in mind in such a way that the contract doesn't interfere with a possible future Medicaid application for long term care. As others have said, it would cost a whole lot more than your rent if your mom had to pay for the assistance you provide. Done.

I feel for you. I am living with my mother in a neighbourhood where, it costs 2k to rent a one-bedroom flat. I am also renting a small flat in a country village in case I have to leave my mother's house (which I will do if my sisters or their children move in with Mum). I pay for my room at Mum's too, and help with groceries and takeaways. She is not disabled but very emotionally dependent and also needs me to drive her to appointments, deal with tradesmen and keep her company. I am self employed and have been trying to work from home since long before the Covid crisis, but it is costing me clients, opportunities and even my social life. Recently she said she might like to move to a smaller home nearer her grandchildren and I thought "Freedom!" because I could afford to rent near her. But she changed her mind (she said she wants to only see them when it suits her). My sisters and some of the grandchildren were very cruel to her when my father died, so I understand why she's wary. But it's an impossible situation for me. I feel like I'm just treading water, waiting for her to make a decision, while my life falls apart. It's as if I'm entombed. And still I want to do my best for my Mum so I will have no guilt. I don't know if my story is much use to anyone, but I want to let all carers know that I empathise. God bless

What will you do when mom passes away?  After Covaid, can your DH find PT work?  What the h@ll is he doing, it sounds like you are doing all the work, and he needs to help too. 

If your mom is competent, she cannot be forced to pay you.  Most family caregivers do not get paid.  That may not be fair, but that Is live. 

Get on a wait list NOW for low income/senior housing.

From your mother's funds, she should hire an attorney to put in writing her wishes going forward for her estate and other things, such as, how you are to be compensated for your efforts.

You sister sounds really cruel! Along with whatever else you do to improve your situation, try limiting the amount of time you spend with her. You've got enough on your plate.

Your not paying any bills so that is a blessing. Is your mother paying all the bills?
Sometimes it is better to pay bills and have your own privacy. It is hard to take care of a very elderly parent. My mom is 82 years old and is together mentally but her body hurts all the time and she needs tons of attention which is hard to do when I hold down a career, son and my own life.

I think that you need to look at the real benefit that you and your husband have enjoyed for 6 years and be realistic about what you are owed.

You buy groceries, cleaning supplies and paper products. Well, there are 3 people in the house and I know from experience that it costs less to feed 1 person when adding it to the grocery bill of 2.

Yet you pay no rent, no utilities or property taxes or homeowners insurance and you seem to think that you shouldn't pay rent because your mom paid for her home in full. Oh and you enjoyed the benefit of a cleaning lady that your mom paid for until covid shut that down less then a year ago.

You moved in when you were in need and she allowed that, I promise you that she felt like she didn't have any privacy when she opened her home to you and your husband in your hour of need. It is not easy on anyone to have other people move into their home, I don't care how helpful they are, it is a huge deal.

I think that your sister has a bit of a point and you should look at the years that you took your mom's help and didn't have to do anything but buy groceries, paper products and cleaning supplies. If you even did that in the beginning.

You really have benefited greatly from her graciousness in allowing you and your husband to live in her home free of charge for years before she needed a helping hand, it is time for a little pay back for all she did for you two when you were in dire need.

I can’t believe how selfish some of the responses are. Whatever happened to families taking care of one another? Your mother took care of you when you were growing up. Now it’s only right that you take care of her when she needs you most. I understand needing a break now and then, so see about hiring someone to come in a few hours a week to help out. Check with Senior Services in your area to see what assistance they can provide.

Your mother allowed you and your husband to move in with her when you were down and out. You chose to lose your privacy, and your marriage was already stressed. Stop blaming your mom and sister for your problems.

Living rent free for all these years has been a boon for you and your husband. I’m sorry that your husband can no longer work, and it sounds like 3 hours a day work for you cannot go on much longer because you are no longer physically able. Perhaps you could find a job more suitable to your limitations.

You may want to think about how you two will live after your mom passes, but your sister is right…” There is no free rent”. Social Security is not much, but as long as you’re not paying rent you may want to start a savings account. You will be needing that sooner than you think. Rents are outrageous in your area.

Be thankful that you have had your mom longer than most people have their parents in their lives. Care for her and give her the love and support that you would want from your child or loved one. She doesn’t owe you anything. You still have a roof over your head, food and clothing. 

You have a great deal to be thankful for. Good luck to you and your family. Stay safe.

Have you checked with your Department of Human Services regarding compensation?  In Arkansas, we have AR Care, which pays for in home care by the person your parent chooses, which can be you if you qualify.   There is paperwork and a background check involved and it takes about 3-6 months for approval.  They send a nurse to evaluate your mom's needs and determine how many hours she qualifies for and they set the compensation rate.   And your sister doesn't have to know anything about it....  Hope this helps - have a blessed day!

Like Nonnie517 mentioned - here in NY we have a Medicaid program which allows the applicant to receive in-home care from a relative with the relative being paid as much as $18/hr. Don't know anymore than that. It WOULD be worth checking wherever YOU live!

Wow, you have such a wonderful mother! She helped you, I think it is right that you help her now. But you can get some financial help for caring for her yourself. It depends on your state. It is not unusual for states to help pay for home care. Check to see if there is an IRIS program or something similar in your state. Your sister is correct that you should be grateful. I was homeless when I lost my job 5 years ago. You are very LUCKY to have your mother take you in for all this time. Be grateful to her and help her. Your husband needs to help too and not put all the work on you.

I understand and feel for your situation. Your sister does not appreciate the demands upon you from your mother. There are alternatives to you being the care giver. Why not bring in nursing professionals to be your mother assistance. Under some programs, the nurses charge nothing.

So, you have lived there 6 years and have been helping with her care the last 4. She had a housekeeper she paid $60 a week to, thats what maybe 4 to 5 hours a week, right?

Yes, you deserve to be paid and not pay rent. So if I were you, I would say, screw the last 6 years and have an open slate. So, I would have mom pay you $10 to $12 an hour. In addition, have her hire an aide for 4 hours a week at night for date night and for one weekend a month to "get away". With the money you earn, you could get a room for a night or 2.

I would not deal with your sister.