I’m needing help coping with seeing my mom die and being her medical proxy at age 33, leading to her unexpected death. It all happened fast.

Hello,

I know what you're feeling, I posted something very similar. I've been traumatized since witnessing my grandma pass in hospice. It wasn't as peaceful as they (doctors, social workers and others) made it sound. Since the day hospice was decided I checked out mentally but still had to make decisions. I was there peeking at my grandma from my room all night, when she was in pain I'd run and give her morphine, whisper in hers ear how much I loved her and that I was sorry, squeeze her hands- kiss them and run back to my room. I was angry at my mom for not taking charge. During the time my grandmas was alive I was with her but in her dying days once family started coming I didn't want to be part of it. I hid and cried.

I can only imagine the stress and grief you're going through, I was lucky some family members took charge of the funeral, burial, flowers, etc. Knowing myself I'd have a mental breakdown.

At the end of all you were there and your mom knows it, you were her comfort even in the hardest moment. I am still crying my eyes out, distracting myself at work, watching movies, answering questions and while doing all this still I cry. It's hard and all so fresh. So like me, I guess time will alleviate our pain and those horrible visuals of our loved ones leaving us.

I am sorry, so sorry.

Babyo2022: Firstly, I am so very sorry for your loss and send condolences on the passing of your dear mother. My late mother also passed away from a stroke. I sought short term assistance via a psychiatrist, the specialist who can and did rx an anti anxiety medication. I was living out of state with my mother when she passed away.
Hugs and love sent,
Llamalover47

First, my sympathy. Second, my suggestion for your children is for you to get them to send a ‘letter’ to grandma in heaven. They can draw something, and tell you what to write. Then go with them to a church close to you, and let them post it in the donations box which is in most churches. It’s not really important whether you are religious yourself, are bringing up the children that way, or it’s your local church. The belief in heaven has always helped people to grieve and to be happier with death, and your children need that now. I You can include a note explaining to the Minister if you wish, or just make it anonymous. My daughter as a junior nurse did this with two little children whose grandma had just died on her ward, told them that grandma would be watching them from heaven, and the parents thanked her with tears in their own eyes.

Third, you did everything right at the time, and you will be more grateful as time goes on that it worked this way. Your feelings now may well be as intense as those of parents who have to make a decision to turn off life support on a child, but that’s not really the way it was. You saved your mother from a slower painful death. You saved your father from more suffering that might have been more likely to tip the balance on his own mental and physical health if it had continued. You saved your little children from living with a household turned on its head for weeks or months. You took the burden on yourself, and proved that you are strong enough to bear it.

Be kind to yourself, be proud of yourself, and do your best to live through this very very difficult time. Love, Margaret

You're young to be going through this. You have to be strong for your own children and to keep your life together during this time of grief. It takes time to get over the shock of a sudden death like your mother's. Reach out for grief counseling, and it sounds like you could do it as a group - for yourself, your sons and your Dad. Try to forgive your Dad. He wasn't able to cope. Everybody handles grief differently. The feeling of loss for your mother may always be there in the background. In time you will be able to live with it and move on to have happy times and a happy life. I still have moments when I think of people I have lost and miss them and miss being able to share certain things with them. Try to remember all of the good times you had with your mother and how she helped you be the responsible person that you are. A big hug to you and your family!

Been there - know how you feel. I believe that life, for whatever reasons, does not always give us time ahead to prepare for losing someone. That can be a blessing or a curse depending on circumstances but it is NOT something we can plan and control. You were there for her up to the end and it was a horrible shock and saddens you - all normal. Seek a grief counselor who can work with you to get through this very hard time. Then make sure all of your own personal affairs are current and kept up to date at all times. Given time, this hurt will cease and you will recall the good times, not just the ending.

I went through that 30 years ago this spring. I am still suffering from the after effects, especially as my 'checked out' dad is now extremely elderly and extremely stubborn. My son (daughter not born yet) was 7 months old so I did not have the added grief of my children.
Please message me if you need someone to talk to, it is a lonely thing to go through. I lost so many friends because it just wasn't cool to go through something like that. Noone could relate. I can. Hugs ().

Please google "grief counseling" in your area and get yourself there, ASAP.
Watching someone die is incredibly painful unless you know, in your heart that they need to go, in order to end their suffering. I was 31 when I assumed the same responsibility for my mother and promised myself that I would never focus on her death or the incredible suffering. Nope, I decided to remember her birthday, Mother's Day and all the days we had together. In the end, we must make choices for ourselves too: I have met with several lawyers over the years and have signed off on the paperwork that lets me decide how and when. I have planned my own cremation and will be investigating the "Death with Dignity" law they have here. No one else needs to be responsible for me and that makes me feel successful.

It will get better as time goes on. Right now you are in the phase where it hurts so much it takes your breath away. I was with my father when he died and would not have changed that. I wanted to be with my step-dad when he went, but I had left to run errands for my mom not knowing he was so close to the end.

Even though it was so hard for you, I hope you can take some comfort in the fact that she did not go alone. This sounds like it was much better for her than a long, drawn-out, much suffering death. You were there for her. I hope I can be there when my mother goes. I feel very strong about people not dying alone. You gave that gift to your mother. Now give yourself the gift of knowing you did right by her.

I am sorry for your loss of your mom. What you say about having made "all medical decisions" resonated with me. I took care of a loved one for months while she was in hospice, administered all her meds, and took being her advocate to an extreme. I understand that feeling of carrying the weight of all the decisions. After she passed, I was shattered and had feelings of having done something wrong or having not done enough. I sought counseling, and what stuck with me from that is the counselor (from hospice) saying that it must have felt like I was making every decision, but I really wasn't -- that was distorted thinking, the doctor was in charge, even if I was the one at the bedside. It was hard for me to see that at first, but it helped. I'm absolutely sure you "did enough" and did the right things, but none of us can control the outcome in such a situation. I hope with some time and distance from the intensity of the last few weeks, you will be able to replace the self-doubt you are feeling with recognition of the vital and loving help you gave.

Give yourself lots more time and plenty of compassion. You are still in a state of shock and post-death PTSD. You may have flashbacks and painful memories for many months. Let yourself experience those painful emotions. Do not try to stomp them down. The pain will lessen with time and repetition but only if you allow yourself to feel it when it comes. If you try to cover it up or deny it, it will grow inside you and get worse. Cry when you need to. Feel the pain when those memories come. Look for little snippets of joy during the day: a sunny morning, something funny one of your children does . . . Your mother would probably wish for you to live your life safely and happily. Do not try to rush the process; it takes as long as it takes. Grief can be a part of your day and life, but it does not need to be ALL of it.

Your devastating loss is still fresh and how you are feeling is perfectly normal and acceptable because it is how YOU are feeling. Please be kind to yourself and allow yourself and your child time to process everything and to put it in its proper place in your mind and heart. Rely on those around you who love you and are there to support you.

My dad was 51 when he died and I had just had my first child - she was 2 weeks old and I was 24. We were supposed to have been at their house for a Labor Day cookout when he died suddenly of a heart attack, but we had stopped briefly at my in-laws' house, which made my mom angry. She and I had a fight on the phone and my family and me went home instead of going to my parents'. Before we got home 30 miles away, he had had a heart attack and died. Guilt? Yep. Valid? Not at all, but it took me years to figure that out. His sudden death left so much unsaid and undone, and his end could not have been peaceful for him. For years, I wished I had been by his side so that I could have "done something". At the very least, I would not have been fighting still with my mother at that moment (although that was a common thread throughout our relationship). Maybe the stress of that fight was the straw on the camel's back?

Years later (35 to be exact), I have to say that it simply is what it is. If I had had a magic ball to look into and see the future, I might have changed how things happened leading up to his death, but alas - no magic. The one thing I now know is that I would not have asked him to suffer another moment for my sake or the sake of my conscience. How did I work through it? The first twelve years after he died, I was drunk or high on the anniversary of his death and I was erratic and temperamental in the weeks between my daughter's birthday and the anniversary of my dad's death. The thirteenth year was a time of reflection in general and as the anniversary approached, I realized I had not dealt with the issues surrounding his death at all. I made a difficult decision to face that day stone cold sober and straight. It was as though it had just happened. The grief was fresh and real. My wise husband made a decision that we were all going to get out of the house and go do something that my dad would have liked to do, so we went hiking together. That was the best thing we could have done and ever since, when I get down about my dad, I spend some physical energy and I do something he would love seeing me do.

I share my story because I think it's hard when a parent dies young, no matter the circumstances. You seem to be disturbed by seeing your mom die. I was disturbed by not being there when my dad died. I imagine a large part of your struggle right now is the fact that she passed away so suddenly and at a fairly young age - certainly before you were ready to say your goodbye to her. It makes us realize how frail life can be and how little control we actually have.

I think if I were to walk this road again, I would certainly get counseling. Regardless, I would not waste the years tangled up in my own mind and medicating with drugs and alcohol. I would walk through the pain and experience it and then look for ways to draw out the impact my dad had in my life, for ways he influenced me. I would not grieve for him even now if he had not had such a huge role in my life and for that, I am deeply grateful. It took a lot to get here though.

Your feelings are really truly okay, but you already recognize that you don't want to stay in this place and you don't want your child to get hung up either. Don't avoid the pain, but don't camp out there. A good counselor will help you know when and how to move along and be healthy.

Please make an appointment with a psychiatrist that is familiar with PTSD. Your experience has left a traumatic imprint on your memory. You can get to a place of peace and acceptance about your mom's final days, but it might take some talk therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, and medications to deal with the stress - all of which a psychiatrist can do.

Your child may also need some sessions with a counsellor to get past the stress he/she is experiencing right now.

My mom passed a year ago. Her weight declined to under 100 lbs. Because of 7.5 years of Parkinson's, she no longer could talk, write, or move her limbs much, she was diagnosed with a rare and slow growth breast cancer, for some reason, her lower front teeth were half broken. Her conscience state quickly declined in her last days.. When she died in her sleep, I was more relieved for her than I was sad for myself. I didn't want her to go through cancer surgery and chemo treatment or major dental surgery in her condition nor continue to live in an *vegetative" state that appeared the last 3 days. She lead a full life. I was thrown into taking care of my mom as my sister and brother had no interest 8 years ago. I have no regret that I helped mom out until her last days. I am sure that you dearly miss your mom, but you might want to change the lenses that you look at the passing of your mom..as a blessing for her. I know that you wouldn't want mom to live in a *vegetative" or comprised state caused by her stroke...it is her quality of life that concerned you and you did everything to ensure that she had that. Please start believing that she is at peace and not suffering as my mother is now. I got to be real close with my mom these past years but I have never wished for her to live one more day or week as I know that it would only have prolonged her suffering or allow more pain from the teeth and breadt cancer that were lurking around the corner.

There is a program called “Rainbows For All Children” that was designed to help children of all ages deal with loss. When you have a quiet moment, Google it and see if it might be helpful for your sweet children.

Please allow yourself all the small peaceful comforts you can think of during this terribly painful and difficult time, and allow yourself to realize that no matter what the character of the loss, your pain is shared by others who have been in your position, and understood by many of us.

The progression of your mother’s illness left you with no time to reconcile your feelings, but owing to seriousness of her situation, you were there for her and did what you could to do the undoable and bring reason to the unreasonable.

Many young women in your situation might have “checked out” as your father did. Instead, you “stepped up”.

Take whatever comfort you can from giving her that, from being with her, from making decisions for her even when they were not able to give her or you the result you hoped for, and let your sense of peace continue to fill the broken places, until the anguish of her loss is lightened by your sweetest memories.

Hugs and rainbows and soft music to you. You were there when you were needed, and you did your best.

Grief counseling even once go talk to someone it is worth 3 or 4 hours to see a grief counselor - they can help you process these emotions . You did a great job and your mom was lucky to have you . There are support groups also . It is very difficult to watch someone die but they did not die alone .

I am so sorry to hear about your Mom. I was in somewhat of a similar situation as you with my Dad last week. I am 32 and he was 68. On 1/5, my Dad who suffered from Lewy Body Dementia, beginnings of Parkinsons, COPD and Celiac disease fell and broke his hip. He had a hip replacement and declined quickly after. He failed his swallow test and was unable to eat. He was put on a dysphagia diet and refused to eat anything, maybe a few bites of pudding here or ice cream there. This was all at the hospital. My Dad refused to get out the bed and told everyone to leave him alone and he wanted to go home. On the 12th his doctor asked "how aggressive" I wanted to be with him. My Dad had a living will which stated he did not want artificial means of being kept alive so iv nutrition, feeding tube etc was not an option. As hard as that was, I had to abide by his wishes. My Dad was 6'2 and maybe 125lbs. He was severely malnourished and was already in the end stages of his dementia. I made the hardest decision of my life and had him transferred to a beautiful hospice house on the 13th. My Dad passed on the 18th at 250am and like you, I was there by his side when he took his last breaths. Between the time he was admitted and he passed I visited him as much as I could. I also have 3 young children. On the 17th the nurse called me and told me his breathing pattern has changed and I should come. I got there about 2pm on the 17th. I had a gut feeling to stay the night and I'm glad I did. I'll fell asleep here and there but 2 mins before he passed I woke up. I heard him take a breath, stop for 20 secs or so, take another breath and that was it. This has been the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with and I'm quite traumatized. I also have that picture of my Dad in my head and it's very hard. I don't think I'll ever have true closure but we are having a graveside service on 2/12 and I'm hoping after that I can start the healing process. I feel extremely guilty and keep questioning what if I did this or what if I did that or what if I took him to this hospital instead, etc. It's very hard and the guilt is very real. Even though my Dad was in the end stages of his disease, I feel my decisions made him pass sooner. At the same time I know he is no longer suffering. Hugs to you. Know you made the best decision you could and your Mom is not suffering anymore.

You are a parent, so you know the unconditional love a parent has for their child. I had walked into the other room to make a phone call when my Dad died. I live with that. But, at the end of the day, our parents love us the way we love our children; through the eyes of an adoring parent.
It was sudden...no wonder you are having so much pain! And your son as well. We are our own worst critics. You were put in that position without your consent. Please leave all guilt behind. You did the best you could, and your just being there was a comfort t oyour mom. Many die alone in nursing homes; you were there. Think of all the scenarios that could have happened and realize that you were in the right place, at the right time.
God bless you as you go through this! Pray for the grace to let go. It is so freeing when y ou can finally do that. I went through that and it is soooo hard. One thing I've learned through all I went through, is to realize that what's done is done. Nothing you can do about it but move forward and remember the good stuff. Find a good friend to pour out your story. That will eventually help you to unload the burden you carry.

Make a strong chamomile tea.....3 chamomile tea bags to a mug. Use distilled water. Let sit 5 to 20mins...add honey & give to yourself and your children at least 2 times daily.
Add a few drops of Dr Bach Rescue Remedy ...all natural..avail in any big pharmacy, supermarket...and on amazon, Walmart.
The Rescue Remedy in chamomile tea will help both yourself & your baby who's having nightmares to regain your balance.
Avail as a liquid ...& a cream. Rub on pulse points....behind ears & on wrists every time you think of it...even every hour.
This wonderful little product has been around over 80 years now...as a young mum its my first choice & my last resort when there is emotional chaos
Additionally, get out for a walk each day at a set time...even if you think you "don't have the time" make the time...This will help you sleep better, think more clearly & feel better.
Finally, keep reaching out , as you did on here..this time in your life Will pass...You will be stronger & wiser for this experience. Took a lot of strength & intelligence to handle major important decisions regarding your mother's life. I am sure she is very proud of you. "That's my girl" she would say with a smile
Keep your head up girl

I’m very sorry for the loss of your mom, for your children who have lost their grandmother and your dad who has lost his wife and partner.
I wish you better days ahead when the pain and the confusion are more manageable and happier days with your mom are recalled.
Fresh grief IS painful and to be endured with the knowledge that life is for the living and goes on even though it seems pointless at times when we are dealing with such loss. Grief is individual. No right or wrong and sometimes it seems no rhyme or reason. Big hugs to all of you. Take care.

I am sorry that you lost your mom so suddenly, but take comfort in the fact that you were able to be with her and that you did a really great job with her despite being left with all the medical decisions.
Know that your mom is so very proud of the way you handled everything, and that she is looking down at you smiling with her heart bursting with love.
At this point I think that attending a Grief Share support group will do you more good than any drug can do, as you have to be able to talk things out with others who can relate to what you're going through.

I was the sole caregiver for my husband in our home, and when his 6 week dying process started it too was very difficult for me to witness, as hospice wasn't able to get his pain under control and it appeared to me that he was suffering greatly. I felt like I was suffering from PTSD after he died, until my husband appeared to me one night(about 2 1/2 months later)with a big smile on his face, and I knew that he was good and at peace, and I could move on from those horrible images in my mind, and could now replace them with his smiling face.

So please give yourself time, and allow yourself and your family time to grieve the mom you loved so. You will be ok. I promise. God bless you.

Sincere condolences. The loss you suffered is a trauma, but know this: you did everything right and your mom felt your care. Now let yourself breathe and grieve and rail at the fates for being unfair. Be gentle with your feelings. Give your father room to grieve but know he is lost right now. May time bring healing. Hugs to you.

I'm so sorry that you've gone through this. So, so sorry.

Watching mom pass away has probably been a form of trauma for you. What you are describing not only sounds like grief, but PTSD. So hard.

I can only describe my experience with PTSD, it won't be the same as yours as nobody died - I was hit by a car. For about a month I relived the BAM! BAM! BAM! over and over again. I couldn't get it out of my head. My husband said I was waking up in the middle of the night screaming from nightmares I guess. In the month it tapered down. It got to where I'd only think about it a dozen times a day instead of 100 times a day. A month after the accident, I finally got the police report and reading the eyewitness report totally triggered me again, but it simmered down within a day or two. PTSD is tricky. If you can sit with it, and allow yourself to feel the discomfort of it, and move through you and out of you, instead of blocking it and having it keep resurfacing and simmering below the surface, it will probably be better for you.

I wish you much peace and God's blessings that you can replace the sad with good and loving memories.

Don't drug yourself into feeling nothing. You and your family need to grieve, and that takes time. Those traumatic last moments will fade from memory in a few weeks, and you'll be able to start to think more clearly.

You can't expect this trauma to fade quickly as you didn't have the "luxury" of seeing your mom decline bit by bit and be able to go through some of the stages of grief as most of us have. It all happened at once to you.

Try to go easy on your dad, too. Oftentimes the spouse is the worst person to handle those big decisions because they're too close to their loved one and can't bear to make them. It doesn't make it easier on you, of course, but he lost his life partner and is devastated as you also are.

Try to get into a grief group -- all of you -- and work through this as a family. It'll be OK -- I promise.

I am so sorry for your loss. May The Lord give you grieving mercies, strength, comfort and deliverance from the trauma.

Babyo, welcome and (((((((hugs)))))).

I am so sorry forvthe sudden loss of your mom. What a terrible thing for one so young!

What kind of med was prescribed, if I can ask?

Please take this one step, one hour, one day at a time.

Think about having your kids draw pictures of fun things t g ey did with your mom, tell stories that you write down for them. Go through old c picture albums and tell them your stores about her.

Don't rush your grief. Be gentle with yourself and lookup meditation apps on the web. 10 minutes a day can do wonders.