I’m 22 turning 23 this year, my dad turned 80. He’s had cancer for about 12 years. I’m at the point of my life where I’ve slowly kept watching him decline. He told me about 3 years ago that he has 1 year left and then he’s told my mother who in another country that he’s dying soon and that was about 5 years ago. Then recently when I was living with my husband he said he had 6 months and it’s almost been about that time and around the time I moved back he mentioned right after that “oh well I might be around another 4-5 years.”
I feel so messed up but I feel like I just to start my life and chase my goals, i feel so stuck and then he constantly screams at me and uses his trust as a way to keep me here it seems like. He believes that by me leaving would be “f*** him over and that I would be out of the Will.
I got married and me and my husband are starting to fight A LOT. We hate where we live and want to move to another state but I feel like I can’t do that to him.
The past year has been hell and he’s not any nicer to me. He smells horrible and pees in bottles and barely showers. Last week there was poo on the toilet that I had to clean up.
Also I feel myself starting to resent him and get angry when he’s around that I just have to be quiet and not say anything. All we do is watch movies in his room that literally smells horrible because of the pee
I can’t imagine me doing this for the rest of my 20s I feel so selfish and guilty for wishing it would just hurry up.
also the fact that me and my husband were fighting so much when we lived together and I couldn’t go back home for a little because my dad rented out my room.
He rented the whole house out in fact and then put up a shed for me that has some walls and ac but I can’t live in that full time and he calls me ungrateful for it.
I’m tired
i have no siblings to take the load off and his family is not really around or they don’t talk to him
my mom thinks he’s being manipulative and selfish and I think so to but at the same time it all just feels horrible I feel like a hostage but I also just feel such a sense of responsibility and I’ve told him I really don’t want to do this and he tells me that’s a horrible thing to say to him
You don’t want to abandon him. You want to live your own life, which is completely understandable. You mentioned being cut out of a will.
You’re being emotionally blackmailed by your dad. Do you wish to remain in his will, or live your own life, and not be in his will?
Keep in mind that you are stressed out and miserable now. You would probably be much happier if you were able to live your own life.
In this case I don’t think family ( you being so young ) will convince him to go to a facilty where he needs to be. APS is the way to go .
Your marriage and your own plans should be number one priority. You are just starting out . Move to another state get a job , chase your goals as you planned .
Inheritance is not worth living like this , or ruining your marriage .
Once you tell him you don't care about that money, and then tell him you and your husband are your priority, then he has no power over you. You cannot feel guilty since you've done nothing wrong. He's the guilty one.
He is a grown man who is capable of planning and taking care of himself. If he has enough resources to dangle an inheritance over your head, tell him to use that money to pay for his care. Then move out and live your life. Tell him as little as possible, don't give him opportunity to manipulate you. And if he threatens to kill himself, call 911 right away. But still leave.
What does your husband do when he talks to you like that? I hope he steps up. He is your priority and you are his. Your Dad is his own deal. He has solutions other than you, he's just too selfish, lazy and evil to enact them. You have been groomed by him because your situation is clear to all reading it what you should do yet you seem to be having a hard time doing it. Maybe consider a therapist, so that you get a clear, objective perspective and learn healthy boundaries and how to defend them. I'm also an only child whose Mom has lived vicariously through me. Strong boundaries are the only thing that will bring you peace and a great life with your husband.
And, as hard a reality as cancer is, you aren't responsible for your Dad's happiness. That's his job, as an adult man. That's every adult's own responsibility.
Stand up to his attempts at emotional blackmail, and tell him you love him too much for the current situation to continue, and that you will be moving out.
Say that you would rather see your inheritance used to provide a better living situation for him. No inheritance is worth being a slave and having your self esteem in sheds.
If he calls you selfish or ungrateful, then own it. Tell him you learned from the master. He will respect you more if you stand up for yourself.
Your father has lived a long life. It is time for you to start yours and stand on your own two feet.
I am sorry you moved in. You should be getting on with your own job, your own life you own living quarters. This is what being grown up is. No one can do it for you. You will have to understand it is your own choice for your own life.
Good luck.
And sadly since you're so young, you don't see your dad and his behavior for what it is.
Time to grow up and put your big girl panties on and tell your dad that you are moving on with your life and with your husband(as he and your marriage MUST come before your abusive dad)and that he will have to figure out any future care for himself.
He's a big boy. He'll be able to do it if he has to. Right now he doesn't have to because he has you as his live in slave, and the sad thing is you've allowed him to use and abuse you.
Time to stop this nonsense TODAY!!!
YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER!
I look forward to hearing from you in the coming days with the report that you and your husband have moved far away from your dad and are getting on with living and enjoying your life, as that is the only way that your marriage will survive.
Not to mention he offered you a shed to live in because he rented out your room that you would stay in when you came to visit.
Please move with your husband and live your life. Dad will live or die regardless of what you do. Better you have a life than waste the majority of it taking care of an ill mannered and disgusting excuse for a father.
He could live another 10 or 20 years. How many more decades of your life are you willing to give up? Stop with the guilt too (even your mom agrees that he is manipulative and selfish).
If dad gets bad enough where he can't care for himself he will have to go into a facility. This will be paid for by him (with the selling of his house and using any assets he has) and then he will go on medicaid when he has nothing left.
Don't let him use the "inheritance as a reason for you to stay enslaved to him because when he finally does die there might be nothing left. He could spend it, get it stolen in a scan of sorts or just need the money for his care.
Please read my words carefully a few times. Your father is a manipulator who's cowed you into caring for him rather than living your OWN life as you should.
Put yourself and your marriage first now and kiss dad goodbye.