How old are you? Interesting range of ages and situations here has me curious...

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How old are you? Interesting range of ages and situations here has me curious...

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As a relatively young caregiver (43), I think much of my resentment and irritation often comes from the fact that I've done the marriage thing, the divorce thing, the raising the kids thing...but I've never had the opportunity to do the alone thing. I've never once lived on my own without a spouse, kids, other relatives (spouse's or mine) living with me - not once. So sometimes I feel my relatively young age and my situation as caregiver for my mom makes me resentful of the fact that I really have no life of my own. (Of course, I don't let that resentment show to mom or anyone else, but it's there, and I'm sure it's there for others as well.)

I was just wondering how old other caregivers here are, and if the more mature caregivers feel as stuck and resentful as some of the younger ones.

Don't get me wrong - as I've said in another post, I know that like many caregivers, I put myself in this situation, and no one forced me into it. I volunteered to drop everything in my life and move in with Mom because she needed someone, and I was the only one that could do it without too much difficulty (boy, is "difficulty" a relative term!). But I thought it would be nice to see thoughts from others to get an idea of the range of ages.

Burnout

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There are caregivers on here in their early twenties, struggling to care for a grandparent. There are mothers who are still actively "doing the raising the kids thing." There are empty-nesters (single and married). There are caregivers in their 70s, looking after their parents in their 90s. There are people middle-aged through elderly doing their best to look after their own spouses.

You are right that there is a huge range of ages and situations represented here. We all have things in common, and things that set us apart.

I really appreciate it when posters fill out their profiles enough so we get a clearer picture of them. Advice for a twenty-year-old might not be appropriate for an eighty-year-old.

I am 69. I cared for my husband (dementia) in our home, for 10 years. He died about a year ago. My mother is now in a nursing home, with dementia.

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I was 45 when my mother lived with me for 3 years, then I was 48 when my mother in law lived with us, then I was 51 when my father in law lived with us. I had to quit my job, resentment, I think we all have some sort of selfishness to us, so do not allow that to make you feel guilty. When I read what you stated, I could relate in many ways only times 2. (and I really don't want to get into my personal life). Just remember, that these people need you for a short time on this earth, and you are thanked for it regardless of if anyone says "thank you". Care giving, is a thankless job. Meaning, you do a lot of grunt work and people are not at the water cooler saying "thank you". You have to thank yourself. You have to dream for yourself. Plan to do something for 4 days just by yourself. Make yourself a priority. Otherwise it will never get done. Trust me on that one. I was caregiving, and didn't take a day off in 4 years, and almost ended up in the hospital from exhaustion. I now take four 4 day trips a year, camping, and it makes all the difference in the world.

take care of yourself.

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I'm almost 58, Mom almost 80. I did the married thing (twice), the single mother thing, the career thing, the living alone thing, the live-in Nanny to my Grandchildren thing,and have been here with Mom for 2 years. I believe in God's plan, and just follow where he leads me. This is where I'm supposed to be now. I am happiest when I'm taking care of someone. The grand kids where MUCH more fun than Momma........just sayin, wink.

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ive had hors and ive had ladies,
ive made love and ive made babies,
lol. told ya the david coe music makes me belligerant for a week or so.
im 55 , my b**tard sons are raised and i agree with boni. i have time in my life for an elder or two now. i think the term " dementia " has come to me to mean just another worn out , diseased organ . ( the brain ). i find this type of care to be extremely fascinating. i think most elders suffer dementia at various levels.
my aunt edna is getting late stage and her nouns have became too much trouble. im just the guy with the beard now. mental illness has always fascinated me..

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I'm single at 63, never married, no kids. My mom is 94. I took care of my dad for 9 years and now my mom for 13 years. In many ways, caregiving for my mom is like having a small child. I have to think for her and understand that with her lack of short-term memory and cognitive abilities, she's reacting like a child would to many situations.

When I had both parents, it was pretty stressful. With just mom it's been easier and my stress levels have come down. I've also made it a priority to get exercise (Tai Chi which I highly recommend and now pickleball, which I love!) and to spend time out with friends. The only person I know who understands is my cousin, another long-term caregiver. Most caregivers I know did it for a couple of years and then their parents passed away. And they really don't get what caregiving for years and years is like.

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I am 56 and my hubs is 57. My parents are 83 and 86. Dad has ALZ and mom is frail (not that stops her from being the housewife here..lol). I guess we have it pretty easy as they have plenty of money to help, and I have a job that only takes me away for 3 days a week, and a companion for those days. But we do miss the "Me time" we were hoping for when daughter moved out. But I have to say after 9 months it is still pretty good. Dad is very forgetful and needs help with alot, but once I got Mom to let the CG do some things it helped them both our alot. I know it will get worse, and I dread when Mom fails, but I try to look at the sunny side and enjoy what we have now.

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Thanks to all that have answered so far.

Please don't get me wrong - when I say "resentment", it's not a full-time, all-consuming resentment. It's a passing thing - it comes and goes. I guess all caregivers go through it. When it gets really bad, I try to block things out for a while. I am living with my mother in her very small house, where she sleeps where I work (in the living room, she hasn't used a bedroom in years), she eats where I work, she is where I work pretty much all of my waking hours. So, when I get to the point that the resentment and frustration is too much to bear, I put on headphones, turn on my music and block things out for a while. It works - usually!

I do know, and remind myself constantly, that when Mom is gone, I will have a huge hole in my life, and a terrible emptiness. On the days when things are really rough, I remind myself of that several times, and try to counteract it by making plans to take mom out for a ride, or think about our annual trip north to visit the place where we said goodbye to Dad when he passed away. I know our time together is dwindling and in the big scheme of things, I only have a short time with her (even if it's 20+ years - what's that in the span of a lifetime?). I try to remember that as frustrating as it can be sometimes, at the very least, I still have my mom here, she's in relatively good health and not bedridden or in a nursing home - she just needs me here for companionship and support, to keep her from sinking into depression and to make sure she takes care of herself - because otherwise, she'd go back to not showering (for months), not eating, and not leaving the house. (We still struggle with those things on a daily basis, but I do my best!)

I appreciate the responses - please keep them coming! It's encouraging to read everyone's experiences and thoughts.

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I am 27. I have been caring for at least one grandparent for the last 4 years.

I too am looking forward to doing the alone thing. I went from living with roommates in college to one grandparent with alzheimers and one with mobility issues.

A lot of my friends are married and are starting their families. I am single and I do not see myself wanting kids, since I feel like I already have 2.

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I'm 52.. 20 yrs ago we built our house with an In-law apt. for my husbands great grandmother who at the time was 91 she was here for 2 yrs had a stroke and moved to NH, lasted about 7mths..

My ML died 5 yrs ago from cancer, I was her appointment driver, shopper etc. He lived at her own home up until 3 mths.before her death, she was in NH with hospice when she passed..

My Mom moved in the apartment 12 yrs ago when my Dad passed.. She is 91 and still with me..

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this is a great post, Im enjoying it. Thank you for posting!

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I am 60. Mother is 95. She is in a NH, but she is IL and I am in AZ. I went back last week for her birthday. After day 2, she thought that I could take care of her and she didn't need the aids. No. No, I am not trained to lift you. They are. She also thought that I could lift her into a car and she could walk around in her house. No. She could take a medical transport, if she wanted. She wouldn't do that, either.

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I am 57. I came from New Mexico to Texas because Mom was in the hospital. 3 months later and I have not been back to NM yet. My boyfriend drove me here, stayed for awhile then went back to work. Ski season is over so it is slow enough they don't need him right now. Resentment? I hear you. I am getting married Dec. 13 but I have had to quit my job (they will hire me back when all is said and done) so not real sure how we are going to pay for every thing now. And the snow is melting at my house and I miss all my critters (deer, squirrel, chipmunks which get trained to eat from my hand) and my mountains. No. There is no resentment because I realize that living so far away I really have been blessed to be able to spend the last months of my Mother's life with her. I have learned not to lose my temper with her because I can't handle the guilt and my crying afterwords. Do we get tired? You bet! But our hospice people are awesome and make sure we don't over do.

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I am 63 and a paid caregiver... I have been doing this for over 15 years now.... I am resentful that I did not make better plans for my future, and still have to work... I work exclusively with Alz/dementia..... like capn, in so many ways it fascinates me, and the other part of me hates it with a passion.... to see all that it takes from a human being..... I am burned out, for sure.... but at my age, it would be next to impossible to find another line of work... no one wants to hire someone my age....

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I'm also 63, married, two kids now in their 30's and two grand kids. I was 57 when I started this journey, and in my case it wasn't a matter of choice or conscious decision. My MIL lost her mobility literally overnight, and from that moment on our lives changed...we'd just finally adjusted to the whole empty nest thing, I'd started a little business of my own, we had the house to ourselves, dreams of renovating this and fixing up that, and then...wham! Full time caregivers. For the first three to four months we were going to MIL's house (right around the corner) 5, 6, sometimes as many as 8 times a day, getting her meals, helping her on and off the toilet, in and out of bed, taking her to doctor appointments, etc. etc. with absolutely NO idea what we were doing, or if we were doing it right, or when she'd ever "get better" and it would finally all come to an end. Fast forward six years....we're still at it, but we've got help now by way of an angel of a home health aide, and we've become old hands at the task of caregiving ourselves.
In retrospect, if I HAD been given a choice, I still would have done it. It's been a long road, I've felt like I was at the end of my rope any number of times...exhausted, mentally drained, emotionally spent...but I treasure the few magical moments when I'm able to make MIL smile or laugh, and when all is said and done I will rest easy knowing I did the best I could for her. It's a labor of love.

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I am 76 and caregiving a borderline personality narcissistic mother (at a distant now) who is 101 and going strong. I have been doing this in one form or another for all of my life. I hope I survive long enough to get some time without the caregiving.

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What is actually nice, is I feel like, we all are human, have our own opinions, but all of us have one thing in common "care giving" be it live in, live out, paid, non paid. Regardless, it is care giving and the person that is getting the care certainly appreciates it regardless of their attitude, trust me on that one.

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ladee, id trade ya stone masonry for dementia care right now. seriously id like to work at the indy va in about any capacity. id get more a** up there than a toilet seat.. a fellow can pipe dream cant he?

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I'm 48. I started to care for my mom when I was about 36. My mom has passed now. It was a long, hard road to put it mildly.

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And Kim, no offense, but if I have to call someone to cast a spell for me to get a man or employment, I'm screwed. lol

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I understand the resentment part.... when my parents were my age [68] they traveled everywhere, went out to eat, went to the movies, they were never home. Neither of my parents had to care for their own parents. My parents have no clue what I am going through, and I resent it tremendously.

If I had know 5 years ago what I know today, I would have done things differently, like saying *no* more often to my parents demands.

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I am a 29 mother to a 2 year old, currently planning my 2nd child, and my mother has dementia. I understand the feeling of resentment. I often feel resentful that I am taking time away from my child to care for my mother. I feel sad for my daughter that she will never have a traditional relationship with her grandmother. I so wish I could have the mom I grew up with here with me during these very important times but unfortunately it is not possible. So I try to make the best of it.

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Hello there, I do believe that experience has a way of dictating the opinions that we form. At the moment, I'm filled with resentment. I'm sure it will pass. I'm 43, married, and have 2 grandchildren. My mother has been living with us 24/7 since my dad passed away in 2012. After over a year, I started using respite care, but it isn't enough anymore. I start dreading my mother coming back here, days before she does. We are moving her to full time assisted living this month (the place is less than a mile from our home, so I will be back and forth a lot). I think the resentment comes from my parents being 38 and 42 when I was born. I'm jealous of my friends, my age, that get to travel with their parents that are barely in their 60's. I realize that everybody ages at a different rate, and I personally know many people in their 80's that are active and with it. My 81 year old mother looks and acts like a woman of about 99. I had my children young, and I became a first time grandmother at 38. We all have a blast, but mom doesn't want to do or be included in anything. She is a very quiet and shy person, which the rest of us aren't. She is a typical, "Debbie Downer"...she knows how to bring down a room. She worries about EVERYTHING..and there is nothing that she won't complain about. (She has literally complained her way right out of my home). It is hard to be young enough to want to be out in the world, and then find yourself in a position that seems to get only worse as the days turned into weeks, then months, then years. I'm hoping that the move will bring back the Mother/Daughter relationship a bit. If I'm taken out of the direct caregiver role, I think the resentment will fade. I'll keep everyone posted as to how the big move goes.

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I am 49 for one more month, my mother is 86 (we share the same birthday) and now on hospice with vascular dementia for less than a year now in a residential care home following an assisted living facility she had just moved to last July. My youngest son is 18 and will graduate high school in June, my oldest 23 and out of college 2 years. She always said she could never live with myself or my brother and planned for that accordingly. She is the last of my husband's and my parents to pass, so hopefully hubby, now 51, and I will have several years to do the retirement thing down the road. I plan to set up similar arrangements as my mother so that our two sons will not be responsible for our care. Besides LTC insurance which just kicked in last July, she purchased real estate properties to give her rental income. She was born in the depression, a divorced and retired bank teller, and very frugal, unless it went to real estate. She honed her skills playing Monopoly which I believe came out in the '30s.

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27, married, don't want kids, caring for my maternal grandmother full time, living with her, mum, hubby, 3 cats, 2 dogs, 2 rats and a snake!

My mum was her carer, but I could see that she wasn't coping well (signs of depression), so I quit my job at 25, my husband and I moved from our awesome apartment in the city to my mum's house in the suburbs and I now care for my grandmother full time so mum doesn't have to. I hate it, I miss living in the city and I miss socialising with my friends a lot, but I just think of how much it helps my mum and give my dogs a cuddle and it makes it easier.

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At 27 remember this, you are doing a very admirable thing. But as I always tell all fellow care givers paid, non paid, family, non family, remember to always think of yourself, as you are not being selfish by asking for a few days of respite. What is your mother doing? I hope that you are doing this because you want to? It sounds like you are a bit in isolation. Please be very very careful, and keep writing if you feel alone. I worry about that. Remember it helps your mum, that is awesome, but you are very young and I admire that you have taken on this huge huge responsibility at your age, what do you think? What does your husband thing? You hate it? What does that mean? Does it come out in your care giving that you hate it? Just be careful. Like I said, I admire you, but the word hate is very very strong, and would suggest to me a lot of resentment, and it is a duty that you have not choice but to do.
You don't want to end up ruining YOUR own personal life, which believe me no one and I mean no one really cares about but you and your husband. I know your mother cares, but she didn't care enough to stop you from taking on what she could not handle. Do you see what I am saying. LadeeC you are so good at wording things. Help me out here? God Bless you and" Life is a journey, not a race"

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Almost 65. My narcissistic mother is in a nursing home with Parkinsons, stroke & dementia. I cared for her for four hellish years and the stress over the years - over a lifetime really - has affected my health. Changed my phone number, she doesn't have my address (called the cops on me years ago when I didn't answer the phone = control) and, since going low contact I'm starting to recover. Someone on here said it's like having PTSD for life and that is so true.

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Ashlynne:
I wanted to say to you, that I am very sorry that you have experienced the years with your mother the way you have. We all in our own families, have some sort of dysfunction in one way or another. I talked to my husband about this one particular topic that all of us are on, and I feel it is a very good one. People are expressing feelings that they dare not express at other times, or in their "small city, or block that they live on". I really felt the pain in you when you were typing, and I have to say for you, yes, it is time that you start healing. Anytime, at all regardless of it being a family member or not, calling the police, is a huge boundary drawn, and it was her way or else. I now see another side of this oh so compassionate job, and really it is about putting up with some of you have to put up with "the unthinkable". Now, writing this, I am asking myself with honesty what did I have to "put up" with, and it is a fading memory, because as many of you know, I had 6 years live in care, three different parents (two in laws, two separate occasions two years in a row, and my mother first, Alzheimer's Disease), and when I think about it, at times, it was hard hard hard, but I did not have the controlling negative pessimistic. They all had Alzheimer's Dementia. The father in law had the wandering kind of Dementia? Perhaps maybe we all get really rough shells around our hearts in order to survive. Regardless or not, I want to tell you to hang in there and do please take care of yourself. Be good to yourself and please remember that you are special, you are important, and you are appreciated by many. I did not hear the person write about the PTSD, but in your case, yes, I can see where living with that day in, day out, without any respite would be something almost too difficult for anyone to handle. You did an excellent job, and I commend you as hard as it is for the boundaries that you have in place now. Blessings to you and blowing luck and fortune your way!

Have a beautiful day!!!

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To the group: I realize, after I posted this, that I should have posed it to her personally, but in actuality, through that I put some things in the email that a lot of people would find useful. This is a good function st.

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Thanks 1959. It's my mother's birthday in a couple of days and I'm already filled with dread at the thought of visiting so I've decided to drop off all the chocolates, cookies and other stuff at the admin office for them to take to her and tell her I have a cold. That lets me out.

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I am 58, sharing caregiving with two of my sisters. We take turns providing 24/7 care for our 90-year old parents, who both have dementia, as well as some orthopedic issues. I had a successful career and was single for much of my adult life. I'm married now, and take care of my hubby when I'm not 1,000 miles away taking care of Mom & Dad. My sisters are both divorced with adult children. They were both stay-at-home mothers, and have not had jobs outside the home. None of us live in the same town as Mom & Dad, so we all have to travel at least 250 miles to keep our parents in their home. We have found that, with the dementia, they are better off at home.

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How old are you? Interesting range of ages and situations here has me curious...

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