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This will be kind of a doozy to read..my apologies.


A bit of background:


My grandmother is 80 years old today. Though she is only 80 it seems she is aging much faster than her other elderly peers. My grandfather died nearly six years ago of a heart attack and my grandmother has lived with me ever since. Ever since his death she has been severely depressed and seems she is only living to die at this point. She is still mourning his death but is also becoming increasingly scared of her own demise. For the past six years I have watched a major cognitive decline in her.


Terrible Year:


This past year she has been unable to catch a single break. In June she received a cortisone shot right before finding out she needed her second hip replacement. She had to wait three months in severe pain for the cortisone to leave her system. She got the replacement in Sept. and is still struggling. She was told she need spinal stenosis surgery but that was delayed when they found a large growth on her breast that she refused to tell anyone about (she has had breast cancer before). They took out three lymph nodes while removing her breast and found aggressive cancer cells in one of them. Now they would like to do chemotherapy to make sure microscopic cells haven't spread through her lymphatic system.


Possible Dementia:


It seems as though no family members will listen to me when I say I believe she has dementia. Her cognitive decline is not "normal aging". I've seen it for a couple years but it has become increasingly severe over the last year. She is incapable of remembering a conversation we had 10 minutes prior. She has become increasingly confused over the last year and it seems like she never has any idea what she is talking about. She tried to tell me I was in my 30s and would not budge when I told her I am only 20. Sometimes it is like she goes back in time and thinks we are in a different year. She has had friends of different ethnicities all her life but is all of a sudden becoming more and more racist, almost as though she is back in her childhood when racism was "normal". It is becoming harder and harder to take her out in public. She is angry all the time and although I know it is mostly frustration with herself she takes it out on those trying to help her. She said to me yesterday for the first time "I always feel confused." This holiday season was also the first time that my cousins started to notice a large shift in her. She asked about my cousin who "ran the Boston marathon last year" which my cousin DID do, but about 14 years ago.


THE QUESTION:


Finally, sorry for making you read all that. Is chemotherapy a good idea? She is terrified of it (and does NOT want to lose her hair) but if it is only for microscopic cells is it worth it? They said the cells could take aprox. 5 years to grow into another aggressive cancer but I am unsure she will still be functioning in five years. I am afraid chemo will do more damage than good for her.

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My mom has dementia at the age of 91 and in AL. She is tired of doctor's. She has every right to say what she wants and told me "no more". I really can't blame her, she said I'm 91, what are they going to do now?!? I'm there every 3 day's and do everything for her and keep her spirits up, make her as comfortable as possible. The point I am making is sometimes it can be to much, your parent sounds scared and why put her through this, take care of her dementia and love and cherish her and leave the rest in gods hands
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I have been through a somewhat similar scenario with my mom, she had dementia and developed myeloma. it first appeared in her arm, took care of that with radiation, then it appeared in her back. that's a long drawn out story of not being believed that she had a pain in her back that worsened into a walking problem, till i had to bring her in in a wheelchair, and lo and behold she had a lesion in her spine that was compressing her spinal cord. idiots! the short end of it is that she had been taking dexamethasone for the cancer, and zometa for bone strengthener, both of which she tolerated well. the zometa was a once a month visit to the doctor, and the dexa was once a month, 10mg a day for four days. after the back surgery, his highness the doctor, who never stopped seeming like he couldn't wait to get rid of us, announced that her cancer proteins had been going down or stabilized but now were going up, and did i want to try chemo? i agreed, and mom did not take well to that. her dementia made it impossible to understand that she needed to eat and take a lot of liquids to flush the chemo pills. along with the chemo, he wanted her to take all of a month's dexa at once, a week after starting the chemo. i kept trying to get in touch with the office to make sure he really meant that, it sounded like a lot to me. an answer came that that was what the doctor had said, but i wanted her to make sure that that was not too much. the day came and i gave it to her, forever to my regret. i don't know what came over me to listen to them like that, i guess i was so strung out by that time that i wasn't thinking straight. the day after i gave her the dexa, after a week of asking by email and calling, the answer came that i could give it to her the way i usually did. three days later she threw up like a volcano straight up into the air sitting in her wheelchair, and did not eat after that. i stopped all meds and we went to the doctor, who asked did i want to try a lower dose of chemo? i swear i don't know what stopped me from pummeling him. she was a small woman, always had to have her doses of things lowered by me, and now he had overdosed her on the chemo. in the office i agreed, they sent it, but i never gave it to her, returned it to him next time we went. i asked for more dexa to give her that twice a month instead of the once that wasn't working, and he agreed, thinking that might be a good idea or maybe he just didn't give a shit, but i was waiting for her to resume eating to start giving her that. her intake went from mouse crumbs to nothing, and she starved to death in three months. since then i have thought why didn't they offer to give her the chemo in a controlled environment, or some other way than orally in horse pills which she had trouble swallowing as it was. i think it burned her stomach out because she wasn't eating or drinking enough, she had no trouble swallowing according to the ear nose throat dept. test afterwards.

the moral of the story is, don't just do whatever they say, think about it and research it, ask about dosages, and ask if there are no alternatives. if you don't like the doctor, get another if you can. i should have and i curse myself every day for not doing that. mom was very difficult with her dementia and pain and i guess it finally got to me after three years. keep your head on straight, and remember that we are not perfect and you might make a wrong decision that will have bad consequences and you can't beat yourself up over it forever. just remember you did your best. good luck to you both, and only 20?, damn girl, that's love. i'm 60 now, mom died last february.
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Dear Concernedpatron. I am 84 and have had breast cancer and chemo. Right now my husband's niece is undergoing chemo for aggressive metastasized breast cancer. And one of my girlfriends just finished it. I would not do it again myself. I did it the first time because I still had minor children and felt I had to do what I had to do.

The side effects of chemo can be inhumane as far as I am concerned. Remember, chemo is poison, they try to kill the cancer cells before the chemo kills you. Not only are you tired and sick, but depending on the meds they give you, you can lose your hair, have permanent bladder, kidney, and liver damage. My internal thermostat is so damaged that 36 years later I still have awful hot flashes and chills. Losing your hair is the least of it. You can have huge blisters on the inside of your mouth and throat. If the chemo has made you so anemic, by killing off your red blood cells, that you have to take their blood and bone building medicine it makes you sicker. My girlfriend just went through that regimen and our niece is doing it right now. Both of them get so sick they can't walk or hold food down. These women are 79 and 66 years old. I can't see any reason to put your Grandmother through this.
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skipperinos Jan 2019
Bless you for sharing your experience with us. You are a real survivor!!
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My mother died of a lymphoma three months ago. She was 88 years old. Chemo was devastating for her. She became weak and fragile while having the therapy month after month. Her memory issues got worse also. Maybe we added a few months to her life, but the quality of that life was terrible for her. Even for young people chemo can be just too much. If I had another chance, I would have decided that palliative care was maybe the best option. Hugs for you.
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If Grandma does not want chemo and fears the side effects, I would not force the issue.

With that said, some newer forms of chemotherapy do not cause hair loss.

Maybe if a doctor can discuss that with her, she will agree to the Chemo.

Some of her memory loss, anger, and confusion could be associated with depression.

The sudden appearance of racism might be associated with a CNA or a nurses aide of a particular race that abused her.

I had a client once who was assaulted by a male nurse of a race different than her, own race, and thereafter she became very paranoid of people of that particular race.

She was fearful of being around them and did not want to be around them and sadly that was misconstrued as racism rather than PTSD.
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As a scientist, I would like to address the "microscopic cells" issue. All cells in your body are microscopic. Please do not base your decision on the idea that the cancer cells are microscopic and therefor less dangerous. They are exactly the same. Cancer however is not all the same. Some cancer just sits there and you end up dying of something else. Some prostrate cancers are like this. Other cancers are very aggressively spreading themselves everywhere. Some are in between. Most doctors are not going to tell someone to not have treatment. I'm only middle aged and I have had to slow a few of them down about treatments. The real issue here is what does she want? I think you should seek additional medical opinions about this issue. Usually the family doctor is the one who can look at the patient as a whole person and weight the pros and cons of a treatment as it applies to the whole person. Do you recall some politicians trying to scare you about "death panels"? The truth of this is that Medicare will pay the doctor for an office visit in order to discuss with the patient end of life questions/ issues/ planning. With regard to the depression, have you brought this to the attention of the doctor? An antidepressant may be in order. When you are around a person a lot, you will be the first to notice the cognitive decline. The other people do not want to think about it, so they tell themselves it's not happening. Please read through other questions/answers, they can be very helpful.
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gryphon Jan 2019
nice answer and advice.
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I would I would say no to the chemo, my mother was diagnosed with a rare form of lymphoma at the age of 82 and she just had the onset of dementia. We spoke with her oncologist and agreed the treating the symptoms would be okay but not to treat the disease. My mother is now 88 years old with advancing dementia and I am very glad that we made the decision we did she is happy, comfortable, and has no idea that anything is wrong
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Just be careful you don't get her on the medical merry go round.
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This is very difficult to hear, but Grandma has a death wish so to speak.
Just like pets, when 1 is deceased the other is 99.9% shown to die 6 six months from the death of their companion. Pets have also been studied to die when their favorite human passes.
Now the question is, are you letting the Doctors perform these procedures for her or yourself? Are they helping Grandma or placing her in a life that is more painful? Have ANY of the doctors told you that at 80 yrs young, just being placed under anesthesia she may not wake up?
Anesthesia general/local has a greater possibility of Mom dying on the table, she turned 86 in August. I asked my siblings if they are comfortable with Mom being DNR, yes. Were they ok with Mom eating chocolate until she gets the tots, has insulin dependent diabetes which can cause her to go into diabetic coma, yes.
I am guardian/conservator for Mom, but I still want siblings to realize and understand what Mom wants. We have agreed to keep her comfortable and if she wants chocolate, let it happen.
She has Alzheimer's, in a GREAT assisted living facility. We want her to just be happy and whatever happens, it comes on her terms.
Me, I would not want Grandma to live the remainder of her life in more pain due to the procedures. The cure is worse than the illness. You love Grandma dearly, but what is truly better for her? Talk with an end of life specialist individually and then with Grandma present for her to open up and tell you what she wants.
Listen to your heart. That is God's way of speaking with you. You may or may not be religious, but He still listens and answers in His time.
All the best to you during this time of need.
Remember, everything you read on this thread are JUST suggestions just as mine.
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Personally, I would not subject someone to chemo for a cancer prognosis with a 5 year timeline. Her dementia, regardless of what other, more distant, family think, sounds pretty far along. It sounds beyond mild, probably well into moderate. If I were your grandmother, I'd prefer to not go through a round of painful chemo just so I could live long enough to endure the long, torturous, confusing decent into end stage dementia.

That said, talk to her doctor about meds for her moods. There's no real way to take away the confusion, but she could be helped to feel better.

My husband's parent, who had no dementia, rejected chemo treatment at the age of 78.
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Trust your instincts about what you observe about your grandmother. You are an angel to care for her so much, and as that person, you see more than those who are just visiting and offering their uninformed opinions. I agree with one of the earlier posters to contact pallative care/hospice and talk with them about the options for treating your grandmother's cancer. Frankly, as someone who has gone through ovarian cancer, surgery and chemo 9 years ago when I was in my early 50's, I would NOT put my mother through that - cancer is difficult and the side effects from treatment can be even worse. Quality of life is the most important thing, in my opinion.

I wish you the very best
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Trust your instincts about what you observe about your grandmother. You are an angel to care for her so much, and as that person, you see more than those who are just visiting and offering their uninformed opinions. I agree with one of the earlier posters to contact pallative care/hospice and talk with them about the options for treating your grandmother's cancer. Frankly, as someone who has gone through ovarian cancer, surgery and chemo 9 years ago when I was in my early 50's, I would NOT put my mother through that - cancer is difficult and the side effects from treatment can be even worse. Quality of life is the most important thing, in my opinion.

I wish you the very best
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At her age she should be on Medicare and hospice is covered by Medicare.. home hospice is now going to be your only option.. put quality of life over any more treatments... chemo would be a disaster on her....
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I would not put someone of her age and decline through and chemo or any other procedures.. she will not recover from it either and has not recovered from her hip surgery either.. her depression needs to be treated and when the time comes hospice should be set up before her health declines more. Hospice will make her comfortable and pain free ... she wants to go on into the next world so the humane thing to do is to allow her to do that with dignity.... and stress that to the other family members.....at this point... doctors cannot put her back together for make her better at this age and decline... do what is best for her and get the process of hospice started... she doesn’t even have to know of hospice.. my father was set up on hospice by us and we didn’t tell him... he always said he is not ready for hospice... unfortunately he only made it two days on hospice and passed away but at least he was not in pain or anxiety about dying.. wished we would have gotten hospice set up a month earlier ... and still just not have told him.. it’s a pride thing.. they think hospice is giving up.. instead of giving in.. also hospice is for the family too... that can help u understand the process and offer grief counseling also ... I’m glad mine got to be on hospice at least for a short time to pass away in dignity .. please don’t wait! Praying for you
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I wouldn’t put anyone through chemo or any surgery who is in their later years. To me there comes a point of quality over quantity of life. Sometimes when you love someone, it’s very difficult to imagine that loved one gone. She’s already been through a lot. Is it right to have her spend her time left on earth running from doctor appointment to doctor appointment? I say this because the last few years of my dad’s life were spent doing just that. We were doing all kinds of possible “life prolonging” procedure’s for both parents ( both had dementia/ Alzheimer’s). After a long and hard look at this, and looking back, I’d opt to let nature do it’s thing rather then continually putting my parent through anything other then making him or her comfortable.
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Sherry1886 Jan 2019
Totally agree and did same for our father.. dignity and quality first
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I would ask her doctor for a referral to a Palliative Care group. If Palliative Care in your area is limited only to hospice, ask for a referral to a geriatrician.

If you can find a true Palliative Care group, they will help you and your grandmother make treatment decisions going forward with the goal being her comfort. They will deal with any chronic illness, not just terminal diagnoses.

If you cannot find this sort of care in your area, a geriatrician would also be very helpful going forward in deciding what care to offer. I'm sorry your grandmother and you are going through this.
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In my opinion, her dementia will get worse during the chemo therapy. Chemo is very aggressive, and she would get extremely ill before she gets better So, I feel it’s not worth it because if she is in her 80s, and seems to be having confused moments, then she will get more confused, and irritated.
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Just to add the thoughts of an 81 year old. Under no circumstances would I want chemo for myself. It is very debilitating as I know from my mom.....and can only make dementia worse. My family knows of my wishes, although my son says that you don't know what you really want until you are in that situation.
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If she were my grandmother I would not put her through chemo treatment. This treatment is very hard on the body of an otherwise healthy person. It also causes a condition that people who receive it call chemo brain, they eventually recover from it, I’m not sure your grandmother would. I would make her last days as happy as possible and only handle any pain she may have in the future.
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Has your grandmother had her head scanned?
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Please, don’t. I would focus her energy on recovery from what she’s already been through. ❤️
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You are certainly a loving granddaughter!
You should talk with her regular Dr., by appt. or by sending a letter, and explain her confusion and depression. He/she should put her on anti anxiety medication. If she’s already on it, he/she will know the dosage needs to be increased. I went through this, and when my mother was finally on the correct dosage she was a new person. It calmed her anxiety and negative thinking.
Personally, I would honor your grandmothers wishes to Not have Chemo. At her age, putting her through Chemo could cure her or slowly kill her.
May the Lord bless you and give you the guidance you need each day ahead.
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jacobsonbob Jan 2019
...or possibly quickly kill her.
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First find out if she has dementia. A brain scan can see that. If confirmed then just don't do chemo. She will go through hell not knowing what she has and be miserable.
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Dear Concernedpatron,

You are an incredible young person for advocating for your grandmother!! Your hard work and testimony to help her will be honored by the Lord. In my opinion and based on past experience, if you know how she is already, and that treatment would only aggravate the already showing symptoms of aging, cognitive decline, etc., then I would weigh the costs versus the benefits to her and make a decision based on that.

We discovered a malignant tumor on my 91 year old mom. We did not know it to be malignant originally. Her Dr. insisted that we biopsy it “so we at least know what we are dealing with.” We declined. My mom and I were caregivers for my dad, and had discussed what we thought was best for him and devoted as mom was to him, when we had a fork in the road, we opted to keep him comfortable and let him live that way without the invasive, hard core treatments that stronger and younger people may opt for. I knew that would be what she would want as well. I thought that I might struggle with “well I didn’t do everything I could” later, but I did not struggle with that. Harsh treatments cause a lot of difficulties that can make people struggle in long hospital stays or rehab centers. Chemo therapy would be to say the least, hard on her system and most likely aggravating her existing issues. I would do whatever I could to bring comfort and moments of joy, if only a few, for her and keep going. Many Blessings to you and your family!! 💗
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I worked in a Cancer Center and witnessed many families insisting that their family member do Chemo even when the family member did not want. Please please do not put her through this. Enjoy your time the best you can and pat yourself on the back for taking care of her at this difficult time.
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busymom Jan 2019
Thank you for sharing your expert advice. I'm glad there are people from all "walks of life" on this site who are willing to share their knowledge and compassion to those who are facing very difficult decisions.

My dad had prostate cancer that wasn't diagnosed until he was in his late 80's. And yes, the cancer had likely spread to one of his kidneys, his hip, and eventually other places. His family doctor told me that it would "be a speedy demise." Dad lived under hospice care for nearly 4 years and lived to be a full 91½ years old. We did not choose to put him through chemo, radiation, or surgery, and I'm glad we didn't. He was an artist and some of his most beautiful paintings (in my opinion) came out of those final years of his life. He lived in a nursing care facility where he was loved and well-cared for. The employees encouraged him to continue painting and even set up a weekly art class for the residents and had Dad share his skill with them.

Letting our loved one enjoy their final days is so much better than having them experience the discomfort that comes with many of the treatments. This doesn't mean that I think everyone should forego cancer treatments, but I personally think that it should not be done to the elderly, especially when they don't desire it. My dad did not want these treatments, and I honored his wishes.
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My very healthy & fabulous uncle began chemotherapy at 79 several months ago. Prognosis was great!...until, he died this Christmas. His last 6 months were sadly miserable and apparently it was all for nothing. My dad is in a memory care ALF and I could not imagine trying chemo on any of the residents there. It would be confusing and sad.
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Dear concernedpatron,

First of all, how great of you to have the generosity and maturity to take on the caring of your grandmother! Caregiving is a very tall task for anyone, but very specially for someone so young. Most people your age (and many people of all ages) are all about their lives, not wanting the “burden” of caring for an elderly loved one. May God bless you for your kind heart!

Now, about chemotherapy, my answer will be brief and to the point. What would I do? No chemotherapy. Period.

My mom received chemo and radiotherapy plus many other things about eight years ago, she had very aggressive breast cancer, and yes, I have the blessing of still having her with me, but AT WHAT COST? A cost or a price that is not for many to pay.

Your grandma is tired, VERY tired. She is depressed, ill, in pain, frustrated, confused and feels lonely. Add the severity of chemotherapy (which she is pretty familiar with) to that mix and I think what you get is like a cruel punishment. I think she is ok with dying Concernedpatron, and it is ok to go when our time comes, no matter how hard it is for our loved ones that wish we never left, we will all go at some point, and maybe she will have many more years with you, one never knows! but with my most honest heart I would tell you don’t make her go through all that again now that her strength is not even half of what it was before!

God bless both of you and hope you obtain the blessing of wisdom, so you get to clearly see the answer! A hug!
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Ask doc if cancer is fast progression in the elderly. Stepdad had been diagnosed with prostate cancer and doc suggested a therapy, not chemo, for it. He also told him that cancer in the elderly progresses very slowly. Stepdad had a hip replacement at the age of 84. He was in a fog for about 2.5 months. He did eventually return to his baseline, thank goodness.

My mom was diagnosed with uterine cancer at the age of 80, had the hysterectomy and chemo. Following that there was a rapid decline in her brain function. Initially we all attributed it to "chemo brain", Google it. But, that is not what it was. The decline continued.

Ask doc about effects of anesthesia and chemo on the brain. Any surgery or chemo should be very carefully considered. If grandma doesn't want the treatment don't try to talk her into it.
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concernedpatron, for every hour that a person is put under for surgery, one hour equals one month that it will take the brain fog to clear up. Thus, your Gma has had two surgeries close together. Her brain is still fogged in.

Having breast cancer is down right scary. Sorry that your Gma's cancer had returned. How did she deal with the cancer the first time around? Was it that that caused the depression? One is always reminded of the surgery every time one dresses or takes a shower, even many years after the fact.

I wonder if immune therapy is available for breast cancer? It would be something to look into. And find out what are the common side effects. Could Gma deal with those side effects? How would the quality of her life be?
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I agree with everyone else. If she's had breast cancer before and it has recurred, she will not go into remission at age 80. . I find it astounding that a doctor worth his salt is suggesting chemo at all. She wasn't living a full life before the diagnosis and certainly will suffer more if she goes through chemo.
Have her primary care doctor prescribe Hospice and go from there. I believe that you will be doing right by her by letting her live the rest of her life without treating the cancer.
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