Is it normal to feel panicky and like I'm suffocating in this ICU room with my dad?

Shellb, big (((((hugs)))))).

Is your dad on hospice? If he is there should be a social worker that you can reach out to. If not, please ask the nurse at the desk to call the chaplain or social worker on call. You need support right now.

It is not at all unusual to panic in the way that you are experiencing.

God bless you. You’re doing the best you can. Your father knows this, and treasures it, even if he can’t express it.

Now, go take a walk outside. Drink water and eat. Connect with the local hospital caregiver support group, if they have one. Or, do something for your wellbeing because it sounds like you are reaching burnout.

I did the same as you for my husband. I actually slept at the hospital with him because he had separation anxiety, and I felt guilty when I had to leave. When the pandemic hit, and I wasn’t permitted in the hospital at all, I felt a strange sensation of freedom and relief. It was also at that time that he experienced acceptance and peace with his condition.

You've probably heard it over and over, but it’s true: You need to take care of yourself to be able to be there for someone else. It’s not selfish at all.

*hugs!*

No one has to worry about “normal” or “not normal” when someone you love is very ill.

There is no “selfish” either.

Do what sustains you in the moment. Leave the room, look outside a hospital window to see if you can find some little something like a bird to focus on, just for a moment.

Feel the love your dad feels for you, and realize that his love asks only of you right now to stay as well as you can. Send loving thoughts to him when you’re away from his room.

Stressing yourself to the last inch of yourself won’t make Dad’s condition better or worse. You have a sweet and stressful responsibility to him, but don’t forget your responsibility to yourself.

You are living a life of loving him. Don’t worry about the moments you leave to refresh your spirit. Instead, honor those moments and let them bring peace to your heart.

Love for another is never lost, nor is it wasted.

Sounds like you were having a bit of a panic attack or anxiety attack. Probably stemming from lack of sleep and seeing the father you love in this condition. You may want to try to take more breaks during the day, and go outside for some fresh air and a change of scenery. I'm sure his nurses have your cell number, should any changes happen while you've stepped out. You must take care of yourself too.

When my husband would end up in the hospital(and he did quite a bit over the years)because his speech was so limited from his stroke, I felt that I had to be at the hospital as much as possible to be his mouth. I would get to the hospital around 8:00 a.m.(or earlier) and leave around 8:00 p.m. It was exhausting, but I always made sure to take breaks, and go sit in the hospital restaurant, just to get away for a bit.

We're all human and we all have our breaking points. If you don't take care of you, no on else with, so please start now. You need a good nights sleep. Perhaps tomorrow you can go to see him at 11:00 instead, and leave a little earlier. Wishing you the best.

To answer your question, I think it's totally normal considering where you are and all you're doing for him. I think the others have given some really good answers and I don't have a lot to add.

ICU rooms are no fun. They have a smell and sound that are distinctive, and you never forget. At least I don't. The last time my Dad was in one last summer, I was hungry and he had a cornbread muffin with his lunch he didn't want, so I ate it. For some reason every time I eat cornbread now I'm back in that ICU room with my Dad. Kind of takes the enjoyment out of cornbread now.

They do not make it comfortable for family thats for sure.

Just want to say, you could be there 23 hrs and 59 min and he may pass that minute you weren't there. So if you feel you need to be there, take breaks. Go someplace close by for lunch or dinner. Call a friend to join you. You can go later and leave early. Maybe take a day off.

I doubt your dad wants you to ruin your emotional health by sitting in his ICU room with him day and night, to the point where you're suffering panic/anxiety attacks. You're not selfish in the least. Quite the opposite. You're putting so much pressure on yourself to be there every waking moment for your dad that you're going to need hospitalization yourself soon if you don't take a break! Create a reasonable schedule now. Sit with dad for 2 hours and then have lunch. Then sit with him for an hour and take a walk. Make a phone call. Stay connected to yourself and the outside world while you spend time with him. Care for YOU at the same time. Taking a break for your own sanity and mental health should cause you no guilt! You are human and need to treat youself accordingly.

When my dad was on hospice and at end of life in his ALF room, I kept having to leave because of feeling overwhelmed with emotions. Fear, panic, dread.....you name it, I was feeling it. How should a daughter feel during such a time? It was tough, so I had to care for myself or I knew I'd be a basket case in need of medical help in short order. So I gave myself permission to take breaks and to relax and even to cry it all out of my system.

Please give yourself permission to do the same. You deserve to. Wishing you courage and strength at this difficult time. Hugs

It’s extremely difficult to watch a parent decline. Please don’t feel guilty if you need a break. Your dad absolutely knows how much that you love him. He wouldn’t want you to be in a panicked state.

Is there a chapel in the hospital. I have always gone to the chapel to pray in the hospital. I would tell the nurse that I am going to the chapel and they always told me that they would send someone to get me if they needed me.

I often found peace and strength after a short visit in the chapel.

Don’t wear yourself out. Please rest when you need to.

You may want to speak with the social worker as well. Or the chaplain at the hospital.

Keep us posted. We care.

You MUST take good care of YOU FIRST, then, if you have the time and are able, you can be there for others. Being a care giver is one of the most difficult things...be strong, give yourself a break every single day, and know that in spite of all that we do/don't do, everyone has an expiration date. We can't change that.

It is not selfish or unusual to have those feelings. I don't know if your dad is on life support, or if he speaks to you at all during your visits. However, I would speak with a social worker about your feelings. You are not gonna change your dad health sitting in ICU. You however, may make yourself emotionally ill you won't recover easily.
Taking breaks, for an hour or so, reducing your visit times is a good idea. Your dad knows you love him, he also wouldn't want you to be emotionally or physically exhausted watching him die.
Mt mom in law always said she didn't want anyone around when she took her last breath. She got her wish. 35 minutes after visiting hours was over, she passed peacefully. The doctors don't know exactly when someone will pass. All wad good such as blood pressure, breathing etc., when everyone left.

Best wishes.
Tare care of yourself you have a husband who needs you too.

I felt the same dread in ICUs. In my experience, hospitals are not healing places. They sometimes help with treatment, but healing, in my personal observation, comes at home. When home can no longer provide the needs, ICUs are a sad alternative.

Sorry for my downer message. But this is my experience.

Your loved one is going to eventually die no matter what is done.

I don't know the age or physical ailment your father has, but if it is "end stage" you may want to discuss with your father and family end-of-life care instead of constantly trying to save him, which can cause a great deal of suffering. DNR simply means no heroics...no chest compressions (which can break ribs) and no forced intubation. My mom was always DNR, but I made certain she was medically treated. I always kept my mom comfortable and did not let her suffer. In other words, if she were unconscious in a coma, let her go. Mom was under hospice for 2 years. But I used them like a home clinic--I got her routine labs and medications ordered. So it was all good.

If your father has a very enlarged heart and low ejection fraction, death by fatal arrhythmia such as Ventricular fibrillation is painless--they quickly go unconscious and die without suffering. With a DNR order, they let them go since they will have to be revived using CPR (chest compressions and intubation). Anything else such as pneumonia they treat like fluids and antibiotics.

DNR/hospice should be discussed with your father (if he is able) and family. It is called Advanced Directives. If your father is unable to make decisions you need a family conference what to do next.

Meanwhile I hope you got pre-planned funeral or cremations arrangements. When he dies you must find a funeral home very quickly because the hospital cannot store the body for long. If he has no pre-arrangements, you make that a top priority. Do it now. All of that will be thrust upon the family when he dies. You also need estate planning, and a will. Who will be trustee. That sort of thing.

IF your father wants everything done, then you honor his wish and this cycle will continue until he dies. Possibly with broken ribs from CPR. But that is how ugly "full code" is. Life can be very ugly and cruel because that is life.

I miss my mom. But mom died very peacefully and I do mean peacefully, and her ordeal of living is over. I suffer her loss everyday -- but she is forever free with everlasting peace.

I kept my mom out of the hospital except when she had to have a feeding tube. I got that put in because I did not want her to die slowly of dehydration which can take weeks. I did it for comfort. To this day I'm glad I did it because mom's needs were all met and she really truly died peacefully. THough that was a last resort because feeding tubes are a LOT of work to keep patent and clean, and free of infection. I used a tube top from Amazon to cover the tubing. Mom never bothered it. Not once. Yes she was still a DNR even with the feeding tube.

I have been talking about this kind of feelings with my therapist yesterday.
Mum is at home, her situation is not that bad but lately she is shrinking I think she is 25kg and she is suffering a lot because of her back (vertebral fractures). I take care of her, we (my husband, my son and myself) eat with her but I do not spend much time entertaining her. I noticed I would just get depressed and anxious. I would cry and won't be able to think clearly... This would result in worse cares. I first thought I was abandoning her but actually taking a step back is helping me to better help her. No guilt. It would just be useless that the 2 of us suffer. And I would not be able to plan all the things she needs. That is not selfishness but self-defense.
So go outside of the room and walk or read, have a coffee when you think you need it. It is not bad to care for yourself!

Totally normal feelings. I had the same experience. If your Father is entering end of life talk to the staff about hospice care if you feel comfortable with that care level. The hospital I was at had a team of people to help me talk about that situation and they made all the arrangements. The hospice facility was wonderful. I took time off of work and stayed in the room with my Mother. There was a bed for me to sleep in the same room as her.

You are perfectly normal.
If at all possible, find someone you are comfortable talking to. The hospital chaplain or social worker, someone from your own religious organization, a psychiatrist, an understanding friend who has been through a similar time. If you take a break for an hour every day to talk things out or pray or meditate, or even to sit outside and not think at all, you will be more available for your dad when you are with him.

Shellb1087,

First, I am so sorry you, your dad and your family are going through this. It's heartbreaking.

Second, I do understand how you feel...completely.

My mother was in Hospice in a hospital setting. I stayed by her side for 13 long, excruciating days and nights witnessing her in pain...screaming. I was so scared to leave to go home to shower quickly, change and come back for fear that she would die alone when I was gone. I literally would run down the hospital halls to get back to her room as I felt guilty leaving her for even 20 minutes.

Again, I know how you feel and I am so sorry you are experiencing this. Please know that you are not alone. Your dad is so lucky to have you.

When it's your dad's time to go, I have learned, in retrospect, that he will go, whether you are right there with him or not. When it's his time to go, it's his time.

I commend you for staying there all day with him but know that if you are not there for a few hours or even days, it's OKAY. You did nothing wrong and are a loving, devoted daughter. I'm sure your mom has told you this, right?

I'm here if you need to talk or vent. I understand.

You have anxiety about your father's decline - very understandable. You see him in ICU and worry - that this day may be his last, that he will feel abandoned, that you will be judged as uncaring...

I have worked as an RN in ICU. I have been present when my patients have died. I have also seen most of my patients get better, leave ICU for a "floor bed", and eventually go home. I can say that you are spending too much time at the hospital. Please visit him daily - for about 1-2 hours - and then go home. You need to get rest, regular meals, and all the other things required in the course of a normal day/life. In my experience, patients tend to die when they are ready and in whatever way actually helps their families - together or apart. So please take that worry off your plate. Seeing your dad daily IS saying you care, but staying all day is saying you have difficulty, probably some emotional issues going on. May I suggest that seeing a counsellor or pastor may be more beneficial to him and you.

Hello, I read that you sit with him from six thirty am to eight pm. Try sitting with him three or four hours vs the entire day. My father is now in memory care and I check in on him on Wednesday’s and Sunday’s. Usually on Wednesday’s I do not stay. I check his room to make sure everything is ‘in tact’ (is it clean, are his clothes clean etc..). Usually he is asleep. I do this to say hello to the staff and let them know I am there. On Sunday’s I will sit with him from about nine am until he goes to have lunch. Just doing this takes it out of me because I am not used to seeing him in this environment. It drains me and I am depressed. ***Please try to shorten your visits little by little, otherwise I am worried you will become sick or depressed. I know it is hard because when you are not there you will worry but you may be able to rest a little bit more. I am sorry about your father. My advice is to just try and shorten your visits. Lots of love ❤️

Your feelings and your fears are entirely normal. It is good of you to spend time with your dad, but neither your presence nor your absence will change the outcome of his illness and decline.
When you are there, tell him you love him. Come and go regularly if you are able and willing to do that, but ypu do not need to be there every waking minute. Your being there will not stop him from dying when his time is up.

I am an RN. If you speak to patients who have been in ICU they often have a near total amnesia about there time there, no matter they were awake and responsive. Their sense of time is ALWAYS completely impaired. There is absolutely no reason to be there as you are so many hours, and it will not help your Dad and indeed may hinder. If your Father survives this he will have utterly NO IDEA how often you were there. Were you able to listen to the stories of those who have been in ICU (and they are out there) you would understand this completely.
You do not mention diagnosis or prognosis. If your father is not going to recover it may be time for him to leave hospitalization with hospice care. If he may recover, it may take time and your almost literally killing yourself will not help you to be there during any long rehabilitation.
You need now to gather some realistic thoughts and plans around yourself. Your mind/your body are doing all they can to give you messages you need to listen to. This isn't about guilt. You are not a felon. This is about grief, and as you said, anticipatory grieving.
What have doctors said to your about your father's condition, diagnosis and prognosis. If you father is indeed dying do understand that even in the closest families the dying separate themselves (or attempt to) from the living. It was the most common complaint of families, the lack of response other than a lifted brow or an attempt at a smile from their loved one was very common. Family often is not a comfort to those who are dying as they attempt to separate into another journey none of us understand until we embark on it. I often think of it as a drugged state in which life's important moments are relived and reviewed and where we "see" those who went before us.
Please limit yourself to an hour twice a day, or two hours during the day. Considering your own health and well being is now the best way to honor your Dad.

Shellb1087 ~ First, {{{HUGS}}}. You don't say what caused your Dad to be in the ICU, but if it is a condition where there is hope that he will get better, then sitting all day, every day by his bedside is not helping him or you. In an ICU, he is getting excellent care and you need to take a break. If you must, go for a couple hours at most. It's amazing how just sitting all day (8 hours) next to loved one in a hospital is mentally and physically EXHAUSTING.

My dear departed MIL would tell us to go home after 10 minutes. Her 5 kids and grandchildren would come throughout visiting hours all day every day and it was exhausting HER to have to talk and "entertain" them. Hospitals are to get rest (as much as possible) and recuperate. Bless her heart, she would tell us to go home, she would call us. She didn't want a lot of visitors; I loved her so that I adopted her same thought process when I was hospitalized. Don't feel guilty. Sure your Dad feels better when you're there, but staying there ALL day, is not helpful for your mental state. I know your Dad would agree.

God bless you for being such a loving and caring daughter, your dad is blessed to have you. I did many hospital stretches with my dad, like you I didn’t want him to be alone, both for overseeing his care and making sure he was as comfortable as possible. You absolutely need to go for walks during your visits, several times while you’re there. A change of scenery is good for the soul. When you can’t be there call the nurses station for updates on how he’s doing. Take items to the hospital to distract you, I often took my iPad for games and something interesting to read. Distracting yourself is huge for not getting overwhelmed. Don’t let guilt in, our parents reach places where issues can’t be fixed, and it’s important to know that’s the normal course of life and not anyone’s fault. Wishing you both peace

There is abslutely no need for you to spend day after day in dad's room. The hospital staff may not say anything, but THEY often get annoyed by having someone else in the patient's room for 12 hours a day.

I would ALWAYS stay with my DH when he was hospitalized (he's had MANY lengthy stays) and he wanted me there 24/7. Problem was, the hospital would kick me out (thank goodness!) or I'd need to go home to just do what needed to be done there and to shower and head BACK to the hospital. All the time, DH is calling me, over and over "are you coming?" Then I would go to the hospital and he would be asleep all day long. So--I was there watching him sleep.

Last stay--only a week, I refused to stay longer than 3-4 hrs. He was really unhappy b/c I didn't 'camp out' there, but they are still super careful about covid and we BOTH had to wear masks while there. So I would get a raging headache sitting there in an overheated room watching him sleep.

I always take something to work on with my hands. Sewing, cross stitch, crocheting, ANYTHING to keep my occupied. I don't watch TV so that was not an option. And I stayed only a few hours, then kissed him goodbye and left.

He told anyone who would listen that I 'never' came to see him. Luckily, no one believed him.

For me, the anxiety of the smaller rooms was awful, just awful. I'd have to leave and go walk around the floor to help overcome a panic attack. I also had tranquilizers from my psych doc, who understood my anxiety and that really helped.

I'm sorry you're struggling. Less time in the hospital environment is probably better for you. 9 hrs is exhausting. Take time off to care for you, OK?

What you are feeling is perfectly normal and understandable. You are losing a loved one. He knows it. Nothing can be done. You are doing all you can but it is affecting you very badly. You must pull back. Go daily - either twice a day for an hour or two - or perhaps just stay less hours. You can't have your cake and eat it too. You are doing all you can but now you have to think of YOU because in the end you will be the one left here. Don't let your life be destroyed. Cut the time and think of YOU - you deserve it at this point.

Hello. You are human and sad. This is no help but best wishes to you.

His passing is entirely out of your control. That might sound scary and frustrating until you realize it's always been that way. You can leave him in the care of trained staff. Visit him on a scheduled time. When is he most alert. When is he occupied by medical care. When is he mostly sleeping? The care and comfort you have already provided is what he carries in his heart ❤. Take care of yourself, you've done a good job.

I am no expert, but I was having the same feelings as you recently when my adult son was extremely and dangerously ill in the ICU and even after when he left the hospital to recuperate with us, his parents, in our home for a month. Really even longer than that. Every day, several times a day, I would be completely overwhelmed with fear and sadness. I could feel it coming on; it just welled up and I would cry for a period of time. I finally spoke to a professional who is a relative, and they told me to look on the internet for "Grounding Exercises." It is not physical exercise, it is mental exercise. I was astounded at how it helped me overcome this horrible emotional hole I was in. It was not hard and it didn't take long. I have been able to get past that recurring feeling that came over me and return to the "real me." I know it might sound silly, but it's free and it really worked for me. Sorry about your situation and hope you can find a soution.

I had that feeling one night when I was staying with my mom at the hospital her last week of life. I had planned on staying the whole night. I'd already done this a few times during this week and thought I'd be okay but around 3am. the sounds of her wheezing, the smells of the hospital, the fact I had not been eating properly or sleeping just caught up to me. I was having really frightening thoughts. Things like Satan and God were battling for my mom's soul. Ridiculous, I know. I started to have a panic attack and just had to go home. I went home, had a good sleep and felt so much better the next day, ready to do it all again.

I understand that feeling of wanting to be there but what happens if you collapse. You won't be any good to anyone, least of all your Father. Take care of yourself. Selfishness doesn't even enter into this scenario. You've already shown that your not. Your Dad knows you are not. So ease up on yourself. I know it's hard. I've been where you are. But you can and will get through this.

I went through a decision making process about how long to stay during my parents' individual stays, and my sister's stay.   I too felt I should be there as much as I could, but during one hospitalization, my sister was so exhausted that she said she just needed to be alone so she could sleep.

It was a good insight, one which I adopted going forward.    A visitor's presence can cause the patient to feel obligated to stay awake, and deprive him or her of necessary rest.   

So I cut my visits back, unless the situation (such as first day in a facility or ER or ICU), so that I didn't exhaust myself.  That did happen one time, a particularly trying time when the weather was frigid, I was in and out of the hospital, then a rehab center, and was exhausted myself.  

If I'm so tired the next day that it's hard to get up, I know I've overdone it.   

I think to paraphrase your analysis of "what else could possibly be more important at this time", I would add "balance".

you definitely are devoted, but is your father awake all those hours that you are there? what do you talk about? I would go in the morning, then tell your dad that you have some things to take care of and leave when they bring his lunch......then go back after being gone for 3 hours......then stay until they bring his supper then tell him that you have to go home to make a meal for your hubby and that you will be back again tomorrow. YOU have to take care of yourself or you won't be there for the rest of your family if they need you. And your dad will be fine if you are not there for 9 hours a day, besides it is NOT healthy for you just to sit there all that time. this way you are not sitting for all that time.......how do you get anything else done at home. Your dad will be fine. you need to take a breather. wishing you luck........and yes you are feeling panicky because you haven't moved in 9 hours and I am guessing you are just sitting and staring...........go home for several hours then go back.