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He said I’m a loser that I’m too ugly to be married, that he wishes a woman from his office is his daughter instead. Never mind that I’m the one cooking and driving him to the doctor and these perfect people never call visit or write, how do you deal with this?

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If he has dementia, it's not him talking. Try to keep that in mind, because he really can't help himself.

If he doesn't have dementia, let him have it and tell him he can't treat you like that. Stand up for yourself.
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LeahO71 Jun 2021
Thanks! I’m not sure if he has dementia, will ask his doctor.
I did stand up for myself. I told him off this morning and every time he says something hurtful. He apologizes but then does it again. Maybe he does have it. Then again he has always had some narcissistic traits
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I second what MJ says. I can’t really add to her well written posting but I do want to validate it, if that helps any.

Wishing you all the best.
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Your dad is a loser and I bet he has been doing this your whole life. I would stop doing anything for him.
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From your profile, it sounds like this is nothing new for your dad. Just because you are an only child does not mean that you have to put up with his abuse. You don't owe your dad a darn thing, you know, even if he's in poor health.
It breaks my heart that you and other woman think somehow that just because it's your parents that you're caring for, that you have to put up with their abuse. That is so far from the truth. Until you realize that you deserve better, you will never make the changes to end it, and it will only continue.
Abuse of any kind is never ok. NEVER!!! And in case you're not aware that what your dad is doing is actually abuse, you're hearing it here that it is. It's called verbal abuse, and it's not ok.
Perhaps it's time to let you dad hire some outside help to come to take him to his appointments, and do his cooking. He will find out quickly that he will not get away with verbally abusing hired help, as they just won't stick around. That just may be a lesson that he needs to learn.
Please stop putting up with the abuse! You deserve SO much better!
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Wow, I just read your profile. You know what? No one would blame you if you walked away from your father. He is abusive! This started long ago, long before he became the old man that you are now caring for.

How could you possibly share your father’s feelings on being a woman and a daughter?

He doesn’t know how blessed he is to have a daughter who is caring for him. I think that I would have to remind him that he owes you a world of thanks! You have gone above and beyond for him. Although your words may fall on deaf ears. If you walk away, your actions will speak volumes and possibly be more effective.

His ‘friends’ have no right to criticize you! He is extremely insensitive to tell you their views. You know that their opinions have absolutely no merit at all.

Continue to be yourself. You’re an artist. You are a woman born in this country. He is not entitled to abuse you due to your heritage Be proud of who you are and what you stand for. Your father’s views do not define who you are.
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The next time your dad says something mean, stop what you are doing. Turn off the stove, stop doing whatever you are doing to help him and walk out of the house.

Come back in an hour and ask if he's feeling better.

I would do this as often as necessary and start looking for someplace elase to live.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jun 2021
Great advice!
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Lea, your profile says that you would love to be married. Is caring for your father the reason why you can’t look for a partner? Don’t sacrifice your own dreams for a parent, even if they are really good to you. Certainly don’t if they aren’t good to you! If your father keeps saying that you are ugly and a loser because you aren’t married, it certainly isn’t doing your bubbly attractive personality any good at all.

All of us have a heritage from the past, because all cultures have changed in the last 50 years. We have to decide which bits of our cultural heritage we want to continue with, and which we junk. For example and thank heavens, a lot of people are junking the old ‘American’ culture of racism. You don’t have to perpetuate any part of the Filipino culture that you don’t like, or that is not good for you now. If you visit the Philippines now, you would probably find that young people there are making changes themselves.

If Dad was brought up with servants and household help, he should be happy in a facility with staff (though he may need to treat them with more respect). Don’t feel that you are sentenced to care for him until he dies in many years’ time. Do something about it now, and reclaim the rest of your life. Your parents brought you to the USA. They must have known that you would grow up accepting the US culture and the options it provides.
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Dad needs to know you are NOT a servant BUT his DAUGHTER. You need to set boundaries with him. Let him know he is being disrespectful. You respect him and he needs to learn to respect you. You after all are taking care of dad. If dad is rude and insulting stop what you are doing, just walk away and come back 20 to 30 minutes later asking if he is now in a better mood. Keep this up each time. NOW, if dad has dementia, depending on where his is in his dementia - this will not work.

Have dad's dr do a cognitive assessment on him to determine his if his mental cognition is declining. Ask to have a needs assessment done on your father by social services or your local Area Council on Aging.

Consider placing dad in the appropriate facility and let the staff do the hands on work while you care give by advocating for his needs. You can visit him as his daughter instead of his hands on caregiver. If he is abusive during your visit you just tell him you'll come visit when he is feeling better.

Good Luck
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