Forgive the straightfoward question. I know grief is never easy but I am genuinely wondering is it easier when you anticipate your LO dying?
My dad died so suddenly and it was such a shock, my mom is on a roller coaster of being sick and getting better then sick again. Every day and night I anticipate a phone call from the hospital I know it won't be easy when the time comes but is it easier when you're anticipating it?
Even with the relief comes sorrow and even though we know death is imminent, somehow it is still a surprise that our loved one is truly gone.
For me, the younger someone is the greater the loss feels as they have not lived what we think of as a full life. The elderly, we console ourselves have lived a long full life.
There are, of course, always exceptions and no age or relief of illness can ever console us when our grief is fresh. Time doesn’t heal all but it does allow us to absorb the shock and accept that we all do die.
July 26, 2023 7:55 am
Tryingmybest19,
I thought about this a lot.
After my Husband died I attended the Bereavement Support Group that Hospice had.
There was a woman there that told her story, her husband had a back ache, it did not resolve with typical home remedies so he went to the doctor. Doctor gave him muscle relaxer medication and that did not work so he sent him for some tests, (not sure if it was an X-ray or MRI) but the result came back stage 4 cancer that had spread from the spine throughout his body. His pain was unmanageable, he was admitted to Hospice. Hospice had him transferred to the In Patient Unit to manage the pain. His wife went home once he was settled in and several hours later she got a call that he had died. This was all in a 3 week time span.
I had 12 years after the diagnosis of Alzheimer's with my Husband.
I thought I was prepared. I knew what was going to happen. I read the books. I saw him decline. I watched him go from a smiling, joking man to a shell.
the morning he died I felt as if someone had ripped the heart from my chest and stomped on it.
Fast....
12 years.....
It hurts.
It is raw...
Death is never easy on the ones left behind.
Not only is it painful watching someone waste away so slowly, I am constantly on alert to "the phone call". She has been in hospice 3 times but always improves enough to have hospice removed. Anticipating a phone call for over 3 years is tortuous. Seeing someone waste away is even more so. So no, it is not easier in my opinion, it is the most painful, dreadful experience someone can endure.
We are now entering month 7 of the high drama that has been my MIL's experience in Hospice. She is slowly, so slowly going that it's making us all irritable and snappy. We've been on the 'she's going to pass within a week' about 4 times so far, and she always rallies and while is not any 'better', is still here.
This entire year has been devoted to her care and well being, at the detriment of the emotional well being of a lot of people--mostly her 3 kids, who are not young themselves. She demands, they produce. As an in law, with no say in her care, it's been incredibly depressing. My DH is depressed and often spends the day after his 'shift' with his mother in bed, or watching TV all day long. He's not handling this well at all.
People can live too long. They are miserable, the family is miserable and by the time they actually do die--the sense of relief can be almost, well, embarrassing.
As hard as a 'surprise' death it--it is SO MUCH more preferable to a long, drawn out drama. Since we don't get to choose, we just have to roll with the punches. I certainly would prefer the way my mom went over the way my MIL is going.
At least Medicaid came through and my father’s needs are now met. That has cut my stress level in half.
Hopefully the hospice nurse shows up soon so I can get out of here for the rest of the day.
My mother is turning 95 in a few weeks. I found a birthday card for this dubious occasion. I bought two, one for my father too. How many people do that?
My father has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s for over 10 years, during which my mother passed away from cancer. I was the caregiver for both. My father has required 24-7 care for about the last 3 years and, aside, from a little help, I have provided that care. He is a shell of his former self. Indeed, rarely do I see anything left of who was once my father. I do not know if he will be here 10 more days or 10 more years.
If I had my choice as the survivor or the person passing, make it quick. I would prefer to deal with the shocking, painful, suddenness rather than the long painful death anytime. Nevertheless, we do not get to choose.
My father dropped dead in his asparagus garden at age 72, 2 weeks after his first grandchild was born, the happiest event in his life.
My mother lingered, happy and safe and comfortable, in residential care until a week before her 95th birthday, and passed after a week in hospice care, in her sleep.
My recent LO was in hospice for a year and a half, for the last year of that time covered with pressure ulcers, and died 6 months after her 94th birthday.
Some easier, some harder, no pattern except trying to learn, on my part, that each loss has its own pattern.
Most were loved, are missed, and now, are fondly remembered.
I have a vacation coming up with my husband (who has been so patient with all this) and I hate to cancel it but I am afraid to leave her for even a week. I was asked by a friend what I am afraid of? I told her I don't want my mother to die alone. She replied, she can die alone when you are at home or away, you can't control this. But the guilt is so heavy.
I have planned everything (funeral wise) for when she goes, but it's still a roller coaster of emotions. This is very hard for all of us here.
My late husband who I was told wasn't going to make it through the night in Nov. 2018 as he had aspiration pneumonia, ended up living but developed sepsis and septic shock and was completely bedridden. On top of all that he also had vascular dementia, so when he did die in Sept. 2020, while I was sad to lose the man I loved, there was also relief that he no longer had to suffer.
So I guess with a sudden death there is shock and grief and with a death that is expected there is relief and grief.
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