Forgive the straightfoward question. I know grief is never easy but I am genuinely wondering is it easier when you anticipate your LO dying?
My dad died so suddenly and it was such a shock, my mom is on a roller coaster of being sick and getting better then sick again. Every day and night I anticipate a phone call from the hospital I know it won't be easy when the time comes but is it easier when you're anticipating it?
Not only is it painful watching someone waste away so slowly, I am constantly on alert to "the phone call". She has been in hospice 3 times but always improves enough to have hospice removed. Anticipating a phone call for over 3 years is tortuous. Seeing someone waste away is even more so. So no, it is not easier in my opinion, it is the most painful, dreadful experience someone can endure.
Even with the relief comes sorrow and even though we know death is imminent, somehow it is still a surprise that our loved one is truly gone.
For me, the younger someone is the greater the loss feels as they have not lived what we think of as a full life. The elderly, we console ourselves have lived a long full life.
There are, of course, always exceptions and no age or relief of illness can ever console us when our grief is fresh. Time doesn’t heal all but it does allow us to absorb the shock and accept that we all do die.
I remember your previous posting about your mom being so ill. I hope you are doing okay. (((((hugs))))).
My father dropped dead in his asparagus garden at age 72, 2 weeks after his first grandchild was born, the happiest event in his life.
My mother lingered, happy and safe and comfortable, in residential care until a week before her 95th birthday, and passed after a week in hospice care, in her sleep.
My recent LO was in hospice for a year and a half, for the last year of that time covered with pressure ulcers, and died 6 months after her 94th birthday.
Some easier, some harder, no pattern except trying to learn, on my part, that each loss has its own pattern.
Most were loved, are missed, and now, are fondly remembered.
July 26, 2023 7:55 am
Tryingmybest19,
I thought about this a lot.
After my Husband died I attended the Bereavement Support Group that Hospice had.
There was a woman there that told her story, her husband had a back ache, it did not resolve with typical home remedies so he went to the doctor. Doctor gave him muscle relaxer medication and that did not work so he sent him for some tests, (not sure if it was an X-ray or MRI) but the result came back stage 4 cancer that had spread from the spine throughout his body. His pain was unmanageable, he was admitted to Hospice. Hospice had him transferred to the In Patient Unit to manage the pain. His wife went home once he was settled in and several hours later she got a call that he had died. This was all in a 3 week time span.
I had 12 years after the diagnosis of Alzheimer's with my Husband.
I thought I was prepared. I knew what was going to happen. I read the books. I saw him decline. I watched him go from a smiling, joking man to a shell.
the morning he died I felt as if someone had ripped the heart from my chest and stomped on it.
Fast....
12 years.....
It hurts.
It is raw...
Death is never easy on the ones left behind.
My late husband who I was told wasn't going to make it through the night in Nov. 2018 as he had aspiration pneumonia, ended up living but developed sepsis and septic shock and was completely bedridden. On top of all that he also had vascular dementia, so when he did die in Sept. 2020, while I was sad to lose the man I loved, there was also relief that he no longer had to suffer.
So I guess with a sudden death there is shock and grief and with a death that is expected there is relief and grief.
My father died suddenly. It was a massive stroke that led to an automobile accident (fortunately no one else was involved). With his death, I saw my mother go through quite a bit of anger. She even said, numerous times, “if he came to the door right now. I don’t know if I’d let him in.”
When dad died, he left a financial mess that took several years to reconcile. Mom and I learned from that experience and made sure that we left everything in good shape for her death and I am doing the same thing for my children.
My mom’s death was expected. After pneumonia and hospice and vascular dementia, she went peacefully in her sleep.
My job as executor has been easier with mom. But that is the only part that is easier. To paraphrase other responses. In my experience, with sudden death there can be anger and shock and grief. With expected death, there is some relief and grief.
I see grief as a path we must walk. The path is different for every survivor. Some areas are smooth. Some areas are uphill. Some areas are rocky and almost impassable. With time the walk becomes more familiar and less painful. But it is a path we are always on.
My father has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s for over 10 years, during which my mother passed away from cancer. I was the caregiver for both. My father has required 24-7 care for about the last 3 years and, aside, from a little help, I have provided that care. He is a shell of his former self. Indeed, rarely do I see anything left of who was once my father. I do not know if he will be here 10 more days or 10 more years.
If I had my choice as the survivor or the person passing, make it quick. I would prefer to deal with the shocking, painful, suddenness rather than the long painful death anytime. Nevertheless, we do not get to choose.
You can imagine it as much as you want, all day long, but it will be nothing like you imagined!
Meaning each experience will be unique so there is no way to imagine what it will really be like. So as mentioned, you can at least try to be prepared with as many end-of-life decisions made financially, etc. and try to make things a bit easier afterwards. This goes especially for the younger folks who think it won’t happen to them anytime soon.
I have a vacation coming up with my husband (who has been so patient with all this) and I hate to cancel it but I am afraid to leave her for even a week. I was asked by a friend what I am afraid of? I told her I don't want my mother to die alone. She replied, she can die alone when you are at home or away, you can't control this. But the guilt is so heavy.
I have planned everything (funeral wise) for when she goes, but it's still a roller coaster of emotions. This is very hard for all of us here.
My father was on hospice for five months and passed away at age 91 following a fractured hip from a fall.
My mother suffered several health problems for the last ten years of her life. It was relief she died plus with bipolar mental illness. She was 95.
It's hard but don't let anticipatory grief rob you of today.
We are now entering month 7 of the high drama that has been my MIL's experience in Hospice. She is slowly, so slowly going that it's making us all irritable and snappy. We've been on the 'she's going to pass within a week' about 4 times so far, and she always rallies and while is not any 'better', is still here.
This entire year has been devoted to her care and well being, at the detriment of the emotional well being of a lot of people--mostly her 3 kids, who are not young themselves. She demands, they produce. As an in law, with no say in her care, it's been incredibly depressing. My DH is depressed and often spends the day after his 'shift' with his mother in bed, or watching TV all day long. He's not handling this well at all.
People can live too long. They are miserable, the family is miserable and by the time they actually do die--the sense of relief can be almost, well, embarrassing.
As hard as a 'surprise' death it--it is SO MUCH more preferable to a long, drawn out drama. Since we don't get to choose, we just have to roll with the punches. I certainly would prefer the way my mom went over the way my MIL is going.
At least Medicaid came through and my father’s needs are now met. That has cut my stress level in half.
Hopefully the hospice nurse shows up soon so I can get out of here for the rest of the day.
My mother is turning 95 in a few weeks. I found a birthday card for this dubious occasion. I bought two, one for my father too. How many people do that?
My dad died in a heart breaking way sudden. It was the first of the most awful things that can happen in life.
I anticipate with much sadness and sometimes tears the day my mom is no longer with me, I hate even writing about it really or mentioning it, but it doesn't stop me from thinking what a life without her will be like. I already know what a life without one parent is like and life has never been the same afterwards; oh year, the heartbreak eventually subsides over the years, only after it's taken it's toll mentally and maybe physically through health problems, but life wasn't the same afterwards. I anticipate it will be the same after my mom.
Anticipating it or not anticipating it, it will hurt and be a heartache in the end. I don't mind anticipating because I can reflect on what my mom means to me and I can be closer to her while she's still with me.
Sometime I anticipate it and think the same is going to happen to me, to all of us, except there probably won't be anyone anticipating my end. In that way everyone's parents passing away is different, in most cases, no one will ever love you like your parents, and after they're gone (or lose their cogitative ability) you'll never get that kind of love ever again.
I suppose the only situation it is a different story is when someone is terminally ill, then anticipating it comes anyway, doesn't make the pain any less, but sometimes people end up a little more at ease knowing any pain the terminally ill were going through has ended.
Some people lose the person while they're still living because the person they love has lost their cognitive ability, then you're just living with their physical presence, but remembering all the good times before. For most people the physical presence still means a lot and the anticipation does not make it any better afterwards, but like terminal illness after the person has passed, the soul is free and people are generally at ease thinking at least that person is not locked in their own mind.
My view is anticipating doesn't make it any better, unless in one of the situations I've mentioned. I anticipate now I'm going to be completely heartbroken for many years, I don't think anything will change that for me. When you have a support network of kids and family it can ease the pain than when you're single person, because with kids and family, people have to get on with daily life quicker, than the single person mulling over it.
Take care.
Now, as for my wife, she had been sick for about 12 years. Every year things would grow worse and there would be some type of major sickness, all because of diabetes. The last year of her life was very hard on her. I knew she couldn't continue to live like this. On the outside she looked like the picture of health but diabetes had done and was doing a number on her organs. Long story short, I got that call while I was at work telling me to get to the hospital. She had coded three times and once more while I was there. After talking with the doctors and my parents I had to sign a DNR. I asked God if he wasn't going to heal her, please don't let her suffer. Less than a min later my best friend of 26 years and wife of 18 years was gone at 42 years old. It's been almost two years and the pain I feel everyday is unimaginable at times. My chest hurts, I get nauseated and it gets hard to breath. I knew this day was coming but, never have I ever experienced so much mental, emotional, and physical pain.
They usually answer with 'what conversation?'.
From: ElizabethAR37
Edit: I realize that Mick isn't dead yet, but he just turned 80! Amazing given the rock 'n roll lifestyle. (Sure miss the "Edit" button.)
I know my mom is declining and not being able to talk to her, really talk to her, and get advice from her is the hardest part. She is in rehab care after a long 5 weeks in the hospital, but gets confused now and is so frail. I try my best to visit every day or every other day as time allows but it is all so depressing knowing your parent is probably not going to get better and more health issues will arise. But it's important for me to say each time "I love you, be good". I know it will bring me peace if she passes and I can't be there.