Yesterday’s visit revealed that MIL who has been using an upright walker for 2 years, now wants to lower the handles so that she’s hunched over like everyone else! She want’s to watch the same TV shows her friends watch, but can’t operate the TV remote successfully… and truly never wanted to watch TV when living with us. She says her new friends haven’t seen all these “old clothes yet”, but I know she’s going to be wanting to go shopping. (I detest shopping with her, but she may talk my daughter into taking her) That brings up the question of taking away her debit card or putting a limit on it. Yesterday she got out of the car and just took off without her walker… had to yell at her to make her stop and give her the walker. She argues about every…thing. I ended up saying, never mind… you do want and she argued about that! She’s negative about most things, but called later to thank us for doing things for her. After 2 hours with her my stress level is through the roof! I guess this is dementia, but it’s hard to not be frustrated, concerned and just wanting to disconnect for self preservation. She lived with us for 2 years during which I suffered with effects of burnout and damaged my own health and well being over it. Maybe this more of a rant than anything, but I need to.
Make H take her shopping -- he has a lot to make up for what he made you put up with for two years. Don't make her your responsibility.
Argument will do nothing. "She argues with everything" you say; yet you cannot argue with the wall; it takes two to argue.
She is now in placement and it sounds she is enjoying her newfound friends. To me this sounds like things are looking up.
I think that you need to cut your visits down a whole lot now; this has become habitual for you, and you need to embrace having more time for yourself. That may be harder to do than you suppose. You have acknowledged you need to disconnect. If you need help with what you already know is right to do, do seek counseling for a couple of sessions with a licensed social worker in private practice at counseling. They are often great at life transitions work.
As for lowering the walker - it reminds me of the exasperated parent saying "if your friends jumped off a bridge would you do it too?"🤣
Perhaps it's you that needs to educate yourself more on the disease of dementia, so you will be better prepared for what lies ahead. Like I said earlier, it's not ever going to get any better, only worse, so the better prepared you are for the changes the less stressful it will be for all involved.
Teepa Snow has some great videos on YouTube, along with some books she's written and the book The 36 Hour Day is also a great place to start.
And if it's so stressful to spend time with her, perhaps it's best that you only visit her once a week or every other week.
I think you have correctly identified yourself as burned out. Let’s face it, with you in that state, there is little MIL can do that you will approve of. It takes a while to recover. Big Hugs
Try some exercise or therapy or both. 🤗
If Mom has Dementia, there is no need for her to have her debit card, check book or credit cards. No matter how nice a place is, not everyone working there is honest. Too many people go in and out of your MILs room. There is no need for her to have any money on her either.
The walker. Slouching over is a no no. Those walkers are suppose to be set at a comfortable level so there is no slouching. People use walkers and canes wrong. You are not suppose to push them along with the person on the outside. You are suppose to push them ahead a little and walk into the frame. Rollators are a little different but still should be at a height you don't hunch.
My Mom used a cane only because other people told her that at her age, she should be using a cane. 6 months later, serious fall and now she is using a walker. Instead, she wants a rollator (I called it "walker envy".) She won't listen to why she can't use a rollator. I finally got her one from Amazon so that I could return it. She figures out for herself that she doesn't have enough coordination or hand strength with the brakes. She tells me that I purposely got her a "junk" one. I didn't, but told her I'd find a "junk" one for her if she really wants one. 2 years later, she moves into MC. Within 6 months, she doesn't want to use the walker and wants to be wheeled around because a person gets more attention if they are in a wheelchair. Independence is no longer important. She's primarily lost the ability to walk and can barely stand, but she doesn't care.
I told her that the day it becomes too dangerous for me to transfer her in and out of the wheelchair is when all the outings will stop. She's tested me more than once by deciding to sit at at the wrong time of the transfer.
I don't take my Mom shopping. She and I just don't enjoy the experience together; we never have. If I need something, I invite her along. She's usually just enjoying the change of environment and watching people.
Yes, I would lower the limit on her cards. Someone will show her online shopping and there goes the money. In addition, with the cards, she is vulnerable for any number of credit card scams.
My Mom used to get out of the car when the car was still going. It was only when her memory degraded bad enough that she gave me the clue to why she was doing this....she no longer heard the engine, so she assumed she could get out. Never mind that the car was rolling....sheesh. In the meantime, I put her in the back seat where she couldn't open the door from the inside. During that time, I also found out that she was not charging the batteries properly for her hearing aid, therefore, the batteries had a severely shortened life, like less than an hour, however, she didn't know the hearing aid was not working.
If only relatively recently your MIL has become negative and argumentative, check her hearing. She could be guessing at what you are saying and guessing incorrectly.
Figure out where your boundaries are. You feel the stress more than she does. Leave your strength for the decisions that are life threatening. Make sure that your actions correspond to the decisions. Consistency is your friend.