My Mom's blackmailing paranoid threats have increased.
She called last night to demand that I move back into the house.
Now she just called to demand my landlord's phone number.
I called my dad to let him know whats going on, but he was slow on the pick-up...needless to say...Mom realized it was me on the line...so she naturally called back and basically flew off the hat admonishing me for hanging up on her to call dad.
I don't know how to control her anymore....I'm at work now I need to do my work. This is extremely distracting.
She is preventing me from focusing on my work.
As much as I love my mom I think I will have to sit her down and give her a hard talk
"Please do not call me when I am at work unless it is an absolute emergency, I will not be answering these calls."
PS Dads usually aren't too quick on the uptake, they get deer in the headlights look because they are not use to being the family "fixer", that's usually "mom's" job.
And yes, for many folks here with uncooperative parents, it takes an accident to get them into a care facility.
Mom will fall or become ill and end up in hospital. At that point, you talk to the discharge facilitators and tell them that she lives alone with no assistance and will not accept any.
This will NOT be "your fault" although your siblings will tell you that it is.
You deserve a life.
Until and unless a person is dealing with the insanity on a daily basis, they just don't Get It.
It's not safe, prudent or sane to keep your parents living at home any longer. Nor is it going to accomplish anything to sit mom down for a hard talk. She will only forget all about it in short order, you will realize, as your phone starts ringing again. Do not apply YOUR logic to a dementia sufferer.....it doesn't work that way. There comes a time when placement is the only option. Sounds like that time is now.
Best of luck!
My greatest fear is that until Mom has a serious accident whilst non of us are around, nobody will take the idea of assisted living seriously.
Because you want to live your life with the person you love?
Because your parents don't seem to think that you deserve any privacy?
Because your siblings have tapped you and said "You're IT" and run away?
I think it's the others in your life who are selfish, NOT you!
If I were you I would either let all the calls from mom or the house if you can’t differentiate between mom and dad, go to voice mail, turn off the ringer on your cell phone for that number or whatever works to keep you from even knowing a call is coming in. If there is a true emergency one of your siblings can call you or you can have a set up for someone else to call you. Then establish a pattern, you call mom and dad once a week, once every other day or every day, whatever works for you at the time that works for you. It’s during those check in calls that they can tell you if they need something or you can discuss plans for appointments or visits, on your terms. Maybe you take dinner over every Wed after work or groceries every Sat, whatever you decide and if they need more than that you have siblings who can chip in their time too, after all they feel mom is still fine at home. Maybe they are right or maybe they need to be more closely involved in what it takes to care for her and dad, as well as the toll it may take on dad of course but you need to stop making it easier for them to be in realistic about the situation, maybe mom will start making these demanding calls to another sibling once she can’t pull your strings anymore. I am not saying fight with mom or treat her like a child, its likely she doesn’t have that kind of control but if she is no longer getting whatever satisfaction she does from calling you she may either move on to someone else or stop all together. Even if neither of these things happen though, you can stop engaging and allowing yourself to be so affected. You are still doing everything in your power to help care for mom and dad, your just spreading it around better and caring for yourself and your family as well better. I can’t imagine how hard this must be especially since you are trying to support your dad too, it’s obvious you love them both very much. Good luck!
Very good to hear from you again.
When is the wedding?
Is it still your intention to have Mom living with you?
Now, myself, I would be devising some sort of lovely soundproofing thing for the phones in the house, other than the needed one for your professional duties, and that I would think/hope is separate from the one Mom can access. After hours, you are correct, they should be accessing EMS if necessary.
Tell your father that you will no longer pick up any calls from Mom while you are at work.
Tell Mother that if she calls and is abusive on the phone, you will hang up. (I'd actually change my number and not give it to mom).
Tell Dad that if there is an emergency, he needs to call 911 (or whatever the equivalent is).
Tell Dad and your siblings EXACTLY what it is you are willing to do ("I will visit every other Subday afternoon for one hour and take them a cake and cofee" for example).
Do NOT let others, including your parents, order you about.
This is called setting healthy boundaries.
Are Mom and Dad still in their home? If in an AL, take the phone away. If there is an emergency, the AL will call you. She doesn't need to be bothering you at work, your landlord or anyone else. If you have a way of screening calls at work, do it. Don't pick up her calls. Ask if there is a way to block that number. I also think that the rest of the family needs to get involved. You have a stressful job and need to be able to make decisions.
I also think it maybe time, if Mom is still living in her home, to place her somewhere. I bet she stresses your Dad out too. He may appreciate the silence.
Plus..my mom is VERY INDEPENDENT.... (ironic...since she refuses to believe that I am independent of her).
Her brain is broken. Just stop answering the phone.