My 102 yr old grandmother died expectedly, well-cared for in a nursing home/hospice in another state. My brother and in-home aids provided care for her until she was no longer safe at home, which unfortunately coincided with the start of the pandemic. We have had weekly Zooms with her since then, but I have not visited in person since the pandemic. My sister and I live in the same state about a 13 hr drive away; she, BIL and nephew are driving to go to the funeral. I helped care for my parents, my mom died almost 3 years ago, my father 4, and my husband's brother died in a MVA last year, and I got covid a year ago, and quite frankly, I am not in a great mental space, but I'm working on it (while I am "relatively" young (49) and without serious medical conditions, the stress of the last 4 years and now pre-menopause has left me depleted). I feel that I said my goodbyes to my grandmother and since my grandfather and parents are deceased, as well as all close family/friends (except for my siblings), I honestly don't want to go, due to the travel and cramped quarters if we all stay with my brother. I have depression, fatigue, GI issues, and am abstaining from alcohol, as I used that to self-medicate after my mom died and it got pretty bad...my family drinks and I'm afraid I will too if I go and then deal with severe depression afterwards. My siblings are both older than me (by 10 and 12 years), and even though my sister said she wants me to do what is best for me, I am struggling with guilt and anxiety, primarily due to old family dynamics, shame, and Catholic guilt (even though I left the church). If my mom or my grandfather were alive, I would do whatever I had to do to be there for them, but since it is just my siblings (who have spouses), I don't feel the same obligation, especially during crazy holiday travel and risk of covid or flu. Can anyone relate and give some perspective? Thank you.
Don't ask a group of internet strangers what to do here...........get rid of 'guilt' and what you think you 'should' do based on other people's opinions, and give your grandmother a eulogy of your own, from your kitchen table, where she will hear your words and appreciate every one of them as if you were sitting beside her casket at the funeral.
Don't put yourself through undue stress or emotional upheaval for no good reason.
My condolences on your loss. Sending you a big hug and a prayer for peace and the strength to allow yourself to grieve in the way YOU feel to be appropriate.
Last year, my SIL's father died unexpected and I truly wanted to be there to honor her (SIL) love for her father. I foolishly was willing to risk getting COVID because my deep basic human instinct to be there was stronger than my fear of getting sick (which was definitely there). Another brother was very assertive and said I SHOULD NOT GO - this was very out of character for him to try to tell me what I should or should not do and it made an impression on me. I did not go and I think hearing my brother's strong opinion prevented any unnecessary guilt feelings from coming up.
If it helps, let me be the equivalent to my brother for you and tell you that going to the funeral does NOT seem to be "best/doable" for you at this time in your life.
My mother is 99 yrs old and when she passes I would never judge one of her grandchildren negatively for not being able to attend her funeral. Yes, it was great when everyone was young and in the same city/state, but years take their toil on everyone and people can't follow the same rules that worked for them years ago. I guarantee your grandmother knew and understood this.
I had another thought that might help you feel better about not going. You write a letter to your grandmother and have a person at the service read it aloud. You can talk about your favorite memories of her, either moving or funny, and how much she meant to you.
This might help you, other attendees, and your grandmother feel more like you're actually there.
Funerals is a way to get family together and reconnect. They are for the LIVING not the one that has died.
NO ONE should "guilt" you into going.
You should not feel "guilty" for not attending.
I think the better idea would be to have a gathering later, when you feel more comfortable, feel better mentally, emotionally, physically. You will get more out of being with family then than you would now.
So be honest, don't go, and do something else to mark your grandmother's passing. Nobody who counts, God and your grandmother in particular, will hold it against you.
As your brother is the would-be host, it would be courteous to call him and thank him for the offer of hospitality, taking the opportunity to have a heart-to-heart if you're on such terms with him. Don't ask permission, though: *tell* him that you have decided against making the journey. Truth be told, I can't see how you won't just be saving him and his a little bit of extra work.
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