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My 102 yr old grandmother died expectedly, well-cared for in a nursing home/hospice in another state. My brother and in-home aids provided care for her until she was no longer safe at home, which unfortunately coincided with the start of the pandemic. We have had weekly Zooms with her since then, but I have not visited in person since the pandemic. My sister and I live in the same state about a 13 hr drive away; she, BIL and nephew are driving to go to the funeral. I helped care for my parents, my mom died almost 3 years ago, my father 4, and my husband's brother died in a MVA last year, and I got covid a year ago, and quite frankly, I am not in a great mental space, but I'm working on it (while I am "relatively" young (49) and without serious medical conditions, the stress of the last 4 years and now pre-menopause has left me depleted). I feel that I said my goodbyes to my grandmother and since my grandfather and parents are deceased, as well as all close family/friends (except for my siblings), I honestly don't want to go, due to the travel and cramped quarters if we all stay with my brother. I have depression, fatigue, GI issues, and am abstaining from alcohol, as I used that to self-medicate after my mom died and it got pretty bad...my family drinks and I'm afraid I will too if I go and then deal with severe depression afterwards. My siblings are both older than me (by 10 and 12 years), and even though my sister said she wants me to do what is best for me, I am struggling with guilt and anxiety, primarily due to old family dynamics, shame, and Catholic guilt (even though I left the church). If my mom or my grandfather were alive, I would do whatever I had to do to be there for them, but since it is just my siblings (who have spouses), I don't feel the same obligation, especially during crazy holiday travel and risk of covid or flu. Can anyone relate and give some perspective? Thank you.

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It will make no difference at all to your grandmother whether you go or not. Nor to your parents or grandfather. I doubt if God will care. Protecting your health (including sobriety) really will make a difference. What on earth are you ‘ashamed’ about? Of course it’s OK not to attend. Even your sister agrees!
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While she was alive your grandmother knew that you loved her so you don't have to try to prove it to anyone else now that she has died. I adored my grandmother but when she died I didn't attend her funeral as I had a job, small children, a husband who was working away, and it would have required a multi-day car trip. My grandmother was not loved any less because I didn't go and God did not think less of me. My family accepted my situation graciously. It sounds like your sister understands your situation and will help your family understand. You can say goodbye to your grandmother in a private way, without ever leaving your home.
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Make the decision that works best for you and don’t feel a need to explain to others. Maybe go outside somewhere nice like a park and say a private goodbye to your grandmother
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Funerals are for the living, not the dead. You loved and visited how you could when she was alive. Say a prayer, light a candle, and be at peace. I'm sure she wouldn't want you to risk your health or sobriety for her funeral. If you think If would help you have closure to see the funeral mass or graveside ceremony, perhaps one of the family could either video a part of it discretly and send it to you later or FaceTime it for you in real time.
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karenchaya Dec 2021
EXACTLY what I would have replied! Thank you for posting your answer.
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I would have encouraged you to go see her BEFORE she died IF you felt comfortable making the trip and it were safe to do so from a health standpoint.
Funerals is a way to get family together and reconnect. They are for the LIVING not the one that has died.
NO ONE should "guilt" you into going.
You should not feel "guilty" for not attending.
I think the better idea would be to have a gathering later, when you feel more comfortable, feel better mentally, emotionally, physically. You will get more out of being with family then than you would now.
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Santalynn Dec 2021
Good suggestion here: a gathering later, a memorial, to gather with family when it is much safer in general. Again, your grandmother is in Spirit now, and knows your heart.
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When you go to funerals or to the cemetery, you bring your deceased loved one WITH you. Because they live in your heart and in your mind, not in a coffin, in the ground or in an urn, but in spirit form where they are eternal.

Don't ask a group of internet strangers what to do here...........get rid of 'guilt' and what you think you 'should' do based on other people's opinions, and give your grandmother a eulogy of your own, from your kitchen table, where she will hear your words and appreciate every one of them as if you were sitting beside her casket at the funeral.

Don't put yourself through undue stress or emotional upheaval for no good reason.

My condolences on your loss. Sending you a big hug and a prayer for peace and the strength to allow yourself to grieve in the way YOU feel to be appropriate.
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SuzanneB Dec 2021
Thank you, and to the others, who took time to answer. I 100% hear what you are saying. I think my need to seek "internet advice" is stemming from anxiety related to still feeling lost/disconnected without my parents, even at 49. Because I was the "baby of the family", I got a lot of teasing/bullying from my siblings (it's water under the bridge now) for being "spoiled", starting when I was only a little kid, and sometimes that internalized crap still comes up in my head. But I do know that I was a good daughter and grandchild and I am solid with my spiritual beliefs, and as you all have said, I also believe that the deceased and God are ok with me honoring my grandmother in my own way and not being there in person. Thanks again, for the perspective, it really was helpful.
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Of course it's ok not to go. Funerals are for living and are not supposed to make your life worse.
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In a word: Yes. Here's why: your grandmother is now in Spirit (funerals are for the living) and likely would have wanted you to stay safe, preserve your health, not add to the mass gatherings that promote mutation of this Covid virus. Since she was 102 she likely knew the horror of the 1918 pandemic even if just from immediate relatives, etc. Assure your family you'd be there under safer circumstances, and send good wishes for their comfort and health.
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These are crazy times. Most days I’m running around like a crazy person trying to meet everyone’s needs, and I say at least once a day, “We can’t do everything, and that’s okay. We’re all just doing our best with what’s going on right now.”

And it’s true for you, too. You’re doing the best with what you’ve got, but without the people there that you would feel obligated to look after, your grandma would want you to look after yourself! Spend the day listening to her favorite music and looking through old photos, remembering the good times.

We’re desperately trying to get back to how life used to be, but we’re not there yet. And that’s okay. It’s messed up right now, but it won’t always be. I would hope that she wouldn’t want you to stress yourself over it.
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Of course it's OK! You don't owe anybody anything and are free to do what you feel is best for you. Just make a vague excuse and stick to it.
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Rick10 Dec 2021
I don't see any need to make excuses or just make something up. People always know what you are doing and will remember that more than someone not making the trip. Unless she is asked to be there to help with arrangements, just say you aren't going to make that trip. She can go online, leave a tribute message. Offer to help with some unpaid expenses.
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Yes. It is okay although you need to feel it is okay.
You need to deal with yourself as you say here: "I am struggling with guilt and anxiety, primarily due to old family dynamics, shame, and Catholic guilt (even though I left the church."

These are deep rooted, serious, difficult, challenging issues / feelings. I would encourage you to get into therapy.

All our "yes-es" do not mean anything if you feel as you do.
We are frosting on the cake that needs new ingredients ... poor analogy. gena
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I don't think you should feel any guilt over any decision you make. You know what you would prefer to do, and maybe a conversation with your siblings over this - you say your sister has already said you should do what is best for you - and perhaps going to you local church to offer a prayer at the time of the funeral would fit with everyone's needs and views on respect. This is not a good time to be travelling, you have been in touch with her via zoom as the pandemic allowed. I would hope your brother could be in agreement with your sister. For your benefit I would hope that you give a quiet time, or a visit to local church or whatever you feel means you have been respectful during the time of the funeral so you can all feel you were involved if not physically present.
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my opinion is it is perfectly alright not to attend . During these times it is dangerous to travel .
The best tribute you can give her is remember with love & teach & tell your family what kind of a woman she was . In that way your respect for her will last generations .
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As a person myself who is getting close to death I have been pondering funerals. They are for the living not the dead. Do what is best for you, period. Shame, guilt and any other bad feeling shouldn't be associated with your grandmother. Love, compassion, warmth and understanding. With those good feelings take a day to remember her, journal, talk to her etc. I do that to remember my God father. Peace be with you
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Your grandmother won't know, and your siblings in the nicest possible way don't need you to be there. Not because they wouldn't like to see you, but because they have their own support systems and no special requirements for your additional support. Your sister has already told you to do what is best for you, and you honestly don't want to go.

So be honest, don't go, and do something else to mark your grandmother's passing. Nobody who counts, God and your grandmother in particular, will hold it against you.

As your brother is the would-be host, it would be courteous to call him and thank him for the offer of hospitality, taking the opportunity to have a heart-to-heart if you're on such terms with him. Don't ask permission, though: *tell* him that you have decided against making the journey. Truth be told, I can't see how you won't just be saving him and his a little bit of extra work.
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I think and always believe if possible, you should attend "close family" funeral's unless there are situations out of your control. First and far most, I believe you need to consult Almighty God and He will direct your path. Follow His commandment and do as He says, not what fleshly people say. God will always give you the best answer.
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Many services are being held via zoom or other methods so that those that do not or cannot attend may watch. See if that is a possibility of you want to attend that way.
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I agree with the "do what's right for you" crowd.

I had another thought that might help you feel better about not going. You write a letter to your grandmother and have a person at the service read it aloud. You can talk about your favorite memories of her, either moving or funny, and how much she meant to you.

This might help you, other attendees, and your grandmother feel more like you're actually there.
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I think the letter is a nice idea, do mention that you are happy that the family is able to be there for you. Send some flowers to your brother thanking him for his hospitality. Perhaps a contribution to something close to your grandmother in her memory. Often care facilities have funds for the staff who are seldom overpaid. Do mention them as well in the letter if they took good care of her. And, if she was religious, do stop at her church and pray for her soul. It doesn't hurt you, and it might comfort your family and please her.
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All of your reasoning for not going is valid, and I feel you have thought this out really well. As for Catholic guilt, go to any church - light a candle, reflect on your grandmother and your memories, and say a heartfelt prayer that she is resting in eternal peace. My sincere condolences on the loss of your grandma.
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Funeral attendance is always optional.

Based on your question, with all the caveats and side stories, you absolutely don’t want to go. You must be feeling guilty, though, or you wouldn’t have asked a group of strangers whether that choice is acceptable.

Certainly attending would be the most respectful and unselfish thing to do.
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Let me tell you a story that really happened to our family. BIL died had a funeral for him it was mainly family that came to see him. Our funeral was a covid spreader 7 members of the family got covid. Yes most of them were vaccinated but they were not wearing masks. At the funeral out of all that attended there were only 4 family members wearing masks and a funeral employee. My husband and I were one of the 4 wearing masks. We don't go anywhere without a mask on. Had covid in Aug 2020 my mother was in the hospital for 9 days with pneumonia, my husband was in the hospital for 20 days with double pneumonia and I went to the ER.

I would do what is right by me meaning if you can't do it don't do it. Why put yourself at risk of covid. Even though we are vaccinated it doesn't protect us from getting it again it just makes it where the severity isn't as bad or die from it.

You have said your good-byes in the zoom leave it at that everyone who knows you will know this is right for you. And your grandmother wouldn't want you to get sick going to her funeral.

Prayers for you.
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You do NOT need to go to the funeral. You do not need to provide elaborate reasons for not attending. You can just announce that you will not be travelling to the funeral. There will probably be some criticism and guilt-tripping coming your way, so just feel secure in knowing you made the right decision for you and send your love to your grandmother from wherever you are.
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Funerals are for the living, to help cope with the grief and to pay respects. But in this time of pandemic, the risks must be weighed for any travel and gatherings. Some funeral homes offer virtual viewing for the services and funeral. Inquire about that. It's not the same, but is better than nothing. You can pay your respects in a personal way. Take care of yourself and seek counseling. You seem to have unresolved issues that are holding you back from enjoying your life.
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I almost always come down on the side of what action is truly the "best/most doable" for you personally - not in a selfish way.

Last year, my SIL's father died unexpected and I truly wanted to be there to honor her (SIL) love for her father. I foolishly was willing to risk getting COVID because my deep basic human instinct to be there was stronger than my fear of getting sick (which was definitely there). Another brother was very assertive and said I SHOULD NOT GO - this was very out of character for him to try to tell me what I should or should not do and it made an impression on me. I did not go and I think hearing my brother's strong opinion prevented any unnecessary guilt feelings from coming up.

If it helps, let me be the equivalent to my brother for you and tell you that going to the funeral does NOT seem to be "best/doable" for you at this time in your life.

My mother is 99 yrs old and when she passes I would never judge one of her grandchildren negatively for not being able to attend her funeral. Yes, it was great when everyone was young and in the same city/state, but years take their toil on everyone and people can't follow the same rules that worked for them years ago. I guarantee your grandmother knew and understood this.
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There's no obligation, but it would be a nice gesture to go. From the tone of your post is sounds as if you really feel a "need" to go, but that you're finding ways of excusing yourself. Just about everyone these days is depressed, anxious, and fatigued (including myself). Here are some options for you to make it slightly less stressful: If you don't want to stay in cramped quarters, book a hotel for a night or two so that you can have down time and stay away from your imbibing family. If you kept up on COVID and flu vaccinations and keep your mask on that will seriously cut down on chances of becoming ill. If you don't want to drive the 13 hours, maybe a flight or would you husband be willing to drive out with you? If you decide that it's not worth going, then don't go. It's your decision. As for guilt: There's nothing anyone can do about guilt, it's just something all of us live with in one way or another.
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I already know that if my MIL ever dies, I will not be attending any kind of funeral service for her. She hates me, has hated me with a grand passion for the last 46 years of my life and has told me many times she wishes I would die, or at least, divorce my DH (her son) so SHE can have peace.

I have never in my entire life with her done anything to her to hurt her or make her life miserable. She blames me for everything--so mental illness is def at play here.

For me to go to a funeral for someone who wished I'd died when I had cancer--and told me so many times--who hated my mere presence at any family gathering--it would be a lie and I won't be a part of it.

You are not obligated to go to your grandmother's service. Esp with all the family drama that you mention. And not feeling tip-top. Funerals can be extremely triggering for anxiety and depression, even when the person for whom you are honoring had a good relationship with you.

In these days of COVID, and we're not out of the woods by far--I have been to 4 'services' held outdoors and socially distanced. I expect that will be how it is for some time.

Do what your heart tells you and don't worry about what others think.

None of my kids will be attending their grandmother's funeral either, out of a show of solidarity with me. I didn't ask them to, they just have no relationship with her.
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Weekly Zooms count as visiting her while she was alive.
That is what counts, your relationship while she was alive.

My condolences.

Your own perspective is just fine.

Maybe someone can Zoom the services for your grandmother.
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I’m so sorry for all of your recent loses and the pain and depression that you are working through. Your grandmother knew how much you loved her. Your siblings can make their own choices, and you must do what is right for you. All of the stress that you have been under these past few years can be terrible for your immune system. I think you would be more susceptible to illness and any germs that you may come in contact with. Stay safe and healthy. Send flowers and stay home.
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SuzanneB: I am so sorry for your loss and send condolences. With the time you spent with your grandmother while she was living, essentially you've already paid your respects. Also your grandmother's service could be live streamed, if that technology at the church/venue is available.
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