Mother is widowed 13 years and has Parkinson's disease. We currently live together and I do everything for her. She's scared to move into a new environment and community alone.
If she has the money to pay for AL and you do to, how much in home help are you utilizing? That could be tremendously helpful for you to survive this season in life. (The AL will expect full payment from you as well as mom, public assistance will not pay for you and they may not pay for mom, depends on your state if she will qualify for help but, be very sure you choose a facility that can meet her care needs. I wouldn't trust an AL that doesn't do a thorough assessment to ensure they can meet her needs.)
I wouldn't recommend moving with her. It will not be beneficial for you and it will keep her from looking to her new caregivers for help.
Get her moved, visit and help her make new friends and participate in activities, this will help her adjust.
Of course she is scared. However, it might be good to begin to think about her NOT being lonely in assisted living. There will be many people there for her to socialize with. She will not be alone. I suggest that you go with her when she is admitted and show her around, introduce her to people, and for several days visit and spend hours with her to get her settled, but go home and let the caregivers take care of her. You can cut back on your visits little by little as she learns to depend on others and you learn to trust others to be there for her.
I know of a woman who during covid lockdowns wanted to see her mom, so she started working as an aide at the memory care facility. She had to take care of other people as well, but got to be with her mom.
I often hear stories about how someone’s mother did not welcome AL, for various reasons. Then, they got there and found they liked it very much. My mother does, and I often hear how she no longer needs to cook, or clean, or worry about home maintenance. There is always companionship, and there are things to do so she is never lonely or isolated. She has her own apartment furnished with her own things, and there is a mini-kitchen. Maintenance staff fixes any issues. Where she lived prior, she was isolated, so she enjoys the companionship and often states that she never had it so good.
Many people fear the new and unknown, but a positive attitude helps a lot in any situation.
There is another post where the woman was moving in with Mom but I think she was older.
Why don't you look into Independent living and see what they offer. My Aunt lives in a IL cottage. They have options where they can have help come to them. Like maybe all they need is for someone to help shower them. Maybe do their pill planner. ILs have activities and outtings. Transportation too.
You just need to call around and ask that question.
What will you do when mom passes away and you're in assisted living without her? You'll be surrounded by people in varying stages of decline while you will presumably be much younger and more spry. Would that work for you? If not, then you face an uneasy transition at that time.
You're only 53. Your interests should be different from your mom's. It's not a healthy situation to identify so much with mom that you're joined at the hip. For your own sake, you should individuate and develop autonomy.
After mom moves into her new community, you can visit with her often and meet her new friends. You can take your new friends (that you'll now have time for) to meet her.
You don't have to sleep under the same roof with mommy to show that you love her. Time to cut the umbilical cord.
Doing such a thing defeats the purpose of AL for an elder, does it not? An elder pays dearly for staff to help her in AL......not for you to pay dearly to live there AND to help her as well! The idea is to give your mom a new life and autonomy in her own place, not to continue caring for her 24/7 or why bother moving? You're better off moving her into AL and being a frequent visitor until she feels comfy enough in her new digs that she'll send you packing.
My folks thoroughly enjoyed AL life. Even after dad died, the ladies scooped mom up and dragged her back into the social activities and into the dining room so I only wound up going over there for a 4 or 5 days to sit with her.
Save your money for your own future retirement and allow mom to carve out a bit of independence for herself now. Even small decisions like what to order off the menu empowers a person quite a bit!
..."I believe she has become dependent on me and fears moving to assisted living alone. I love her and would do anything for her, however, I've lost myself in caring for her nonstop for 4 years. I am single and her sole caregiver and I work full time. My only sibling is out of state and in ill health, so help from him is not an option. My own health is declining rapidly due to stress."
Moving in with her sounds like a terrible idea, frankly. Getting her evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist would be more productive.
It sounds like a loving thing to do but what will happen when mother passes? Will you be out on the street.
In all honesty, you are only in your 50's and do you really want to be f/t with 80's and 90's all day. I assume there would not be a lot of others in your shoes.
Independent living may be option. If you have a lot of $$$, this may work. But, if you need both incomes to survive, where will you go after Mom passes. They are not going to stop billing you.
In other words, right now you are your mother's CNA, cook, cleaner, etc.
I chose a luxury apartment modified (handicapped) NOT public housing. Pool, gym, garden on the grounds. Mixed aged group, single professionals, college students, empty nesters, newly divorced.
I work remotely, have a Master's degree. Studying Italian and the violin. First check I write is for my old age. I have siblings who are literally traveling the world, none are hurting financially.
Dad died when I was in grad school, very unexpectedly. When your Mom goes to be with the Lord, you want to still be standing.
I don't think I would do it, the both of you. You are both at different stages. I belong to a group that swims 2x weekly. Basically, we just walk and talk in the lanes, I Iove it, it's my happy place. I have a wide circle of friends and the Church people come every Sunday.
I color my hair, I am well read and I love my mother too, but I don't want to assume older mannerisms, nor does my mother expect that.
Really think this one through. I actually have thought this out too. But I don't think it's a good idea.
Many older people don’t want to move into AL, and are lonely for a little while when they do. Then it is very common for them to find their feet, find their way around, meet some friendly residents, and settle down.
If you move in with M, it will not help to overcome her dependence on you – in fact it will probably make it worse. Many ALs will let you visit at lunch time for a meal, and to get used to the facility. Do that with your mother first.
Then if possible see if you can negotiate at work for a long lunch hour for a week or two, and go for lunch with her. Sit at a table with other residents and include them (and the staff) in your conversations, to help her get to know a few people.
Helping her to settle in is the only way to get a life back for yourself.
When I moved my dad into assisted living I was there so much it looked like I lived there too. Haha! I’m 49. It was to help him settle in and I also enjoy being with him. He is a sweetheart! He is in memory care now and I still go nearly everyday for about 3 hours sometimes longer. He is fine there without me but likes seeing me and I like seeing him. I take my laptop and do some work while there. He naps enough I can get work done. I work from remote so can work anywhere I can fine a quiet corner. For my dad being there with him a lot helped him settle in and not feel abandoned or left behind.
That is a big decision. In many families, the words, “We don’t put our family members in a nursing home”. Well, I did. Not without feeling guilty, that I was a bad daughter. BUT, after some time I realized I did the right thing. A friend share with me some wonderful advice about putting my dear mom in a facility. She said your relationship will become better, you will stop being your mothers caregiver and she will become your mom again”. It is so true. It feels so much better. She even gets her medication on time, she has a routine. I feel less stressed, I feel less resentful. She has never been a social person so it was an adjustment for her, but she is doing fine. There are many ways we can care for our parents, and putting them in an assisted living or nursing facility is a way you are caring for them. Like you, I didn’t have help from my siblings or my dad who are still married to each other. I visit her often. But I get to have a decent sleep and have more time with my husband who has cancer and get to see my grandchildren, I get to have enjoyment in life again. My health did decline, I even had a stroke per a scan of my brain. Fortunately, I don’t have any real side effects. Give your self and her time to adjust, it may take a few months. My heart goes out to you.
I suppose you'd need to inquire at the assisted living facilities you're interested in for your mother, to find out their policies on family 'roommates.' Easing her transition is admirable, but it would seem wise to maintain your own space, even if on a downsized scale, to return to if and when circumstances change. Don't give up your own home completely.
Being anxious or fearful about change or even experiencing some grief about change is normal. Do not let this stop you from making the appropriate decisions for your mother moving into ALF. There are professionals on staff ( should be , like licensed social workers or others) who can help you both make the transition with your mother in ALF and you resuming what's left of your life on your own in your own place. You may want to explore all of these feelings with professional of your choice ( social worker, chaplain, faith leader of choice, other counseling); there may be other things to consider; like maybe you have become dependent on your mother being with you and this purpose of ' caring' for her will no longer be the same when she moves. Be sure you are affirming her and, getting support for yourself as you both make a big step forward.
Find a facility that offers an Activities Director and on-site psychiatrist who can prescribes medications. You needn't be either, but it would be great if you could be a frequent attentive visitor.
That should free you up to get a life. Look for wellness resorts and singles travel.
It is surely a sign of how much you love mom that you want to continue to be there for her...but as someone who recently lost my mom, the pain and grief is overwhelming at times..and I did not live with her in AL. Our relationship became much closer when we each had our own space , friends and lives. Have you thought ahead to how hard it will be when you lose her after not establishing your own life..or continuing to live in the AL after she is gone, or how difficult it will be to give up control over BOTH of your lives in AL , especially if you do not agree with the schedules there or cares given ? This is your opportunity to become a daughter again and leave the caregiving to professionals...while you still have time to enjoy all that you have been missing in life. That is what most loving moms want for their children from little to adulthood. We each are given the opportunity to create our own destiny , if we do not allow the chance to pass by , whether it be from fear, or lack of confidence , or guilt. Please dont let that happen to you...life goes by in a flash, and each day is precious.
This sounds like some co-dependence going on here. You say you've lost yourself caring for her, so are you also afraid of being alone and/or without a purpose (full-time job notwithstanding)?
My poor mother was terrified of moving into a nursing home because she was not only a new widow, she was also almost blind, and was moving to a place she couldn't even see. Of course it was dreadful and hard, and older people have a really hard time with change of any kind or the loss of control over their lives.
I did my best to ease her into her situation by visiting frequently after an initial time away so they could acclimate her at her new place, and she did very well. She never did participate in the activities much because she couldn't see to do most of them, but she was there next to the action and was engaged to an extent. No, it wasn't perfect, but that's kind of how it goes at this point in life -- nothing is as we'd like it.
I think your mom will acclimate to new surroundings, but you need to think about yourself and how you'll handle the changes as well.
SurrenderDorthy: The purpose of the assisted living is for your mother to receive great care from trusted professionals. Continue with your full time employment so that when you reach your elder years, you also can then enjoy an assisted living if needed.
My mom had to be placed in a nursing home last year after a medical issue, seizure, and mild dementia. We had bought a condo together in 2015. She's now 92 and I am 58. She's my best friend and I miss her desperately, even though I see her once or twice a week. She's doing well and I find myself debating all the time whether or not I could manage to bring her home or move her into AL (I can't and she doesn't want to). All that being said, I can't imagine in a million years moving into a facility at my age just to be with Mom. I love her, but there's no way I could justify giving up what youth I have left to spend it in a place full of people 20 or 30+ years older than me just because I'm lonely. I know how hard it is, but that is not the answer.
Do not move into an assisted-living facility with your mother. You said that your health is declining due to stress. You need to pause and think of YOUR life; think of the consequences if you become very ill and cannot help yourself or your mother. You are still young and you have many years ahead of you if you take care of yourself now.
Your mother will do fine in the assisted-living facility. Set up her room at the facility with items that she treasures and visit her often as you possibly can. Try your best to de-stress by going to the gym, volunteering, going for walks, listening to soothing music, etc.
Just read your profile. My mom had Parkinson’s disease too. I cared for her in my home for 14 years. It’s exhausting.
MJ is right in stating that sometimes an unhealthy codependency occurs when people live together for a number of years.
I developed an unhealthy codependency relationship with my mother. I sought the help of a therapist to help me work through my emotions and better understand my situation.
It’s natural to have a fear of the unknown.
I can tell you this. When my mom was placed in an ‘end of life’ hospice care home, she did very well. She was appreciative for the care from her wonderful staff. So was I! I was relieved to know that she would be well cared for. She was relieved that her children wouldn’t carry the burden of caring for her any longer.
Your mom will adjust to her new surroundings. You can visit as her daughter again. It’s obvious that you care for your mom’s well being. I am sure that you will be a wonderful advocate and oversee your mom’s care.
Unless you WANT to live in assisted living, then it is not helpful to be there 24/7. It would be more helpful - for both of you - for you to visit. Start by visiting daily for long visits. Then, work towards shortening the daily visits become shorter. Then, work towards visiting less days of the week. Her goal is to get her used to socializing with others and relying on staff. Your goal is to use your new "free time" in ways that support your health and well-being.
I wouldn't recommend moving with her. It will not be beneficial for you and it will keep her from looking to her new caregivers for help.
Get her moved, visit and help her make new friends and participate in activities, this will help her adjust.
You matter too in this difficult situation.
I know of a woman who during covid lockdowns wanted to see her mom, so she started working as an aide at the memory care facility. She had to take care of other people as well, but got to be with her mom.
Many people fear the new and unknown, but a positive attitude helps a lot in any situation.
Why don't you look into Independent living and see what they offer. My Aunt lives in a IL cottage. They have options where they can have help come to them. Like maybe all they need is for someone to help shower them. Maybe do their pill planner. ILs have activities and outtings. Transportation too.
You just need to call around and ask that question.
You're only 53. Your interests should be different from your mom's. It's not a healthy situation to identify so much with mom that you're joined at the hip. For your own sake, you should individuate and develop autonomy.
After mom moves into her new community, you can visit with her often and meet her new friends. You can take your new friends (that you'll now have time for) to meet her.
You don't have to sleep under the same roof with mommy to show that you love her. Time to cut the umbilical cord.
My folks thoroughly enjoyed AL life. Even after dad died, the ladies scooped mom up and dragged her back into the social activities and into the dining room so I only wound up going over there for a 4 or 5 days to sit with her.
Save your money for your own future retirement and allow mom to carve out a bit of independence for herself now. Even small decisions like what to order off the menu empowers a person quite a bit!
Good luck to you!
..."I believe she has become dependent on me and fears moving to assisted living alone. I love her and would do anything for her, however, I've lost myself in caring for her nonstop for 4 years. I am single and her sole caregiver and I work full time. My only sibling is out of state and in ill health, so help from him is not an option. My own health is declining rapidly due to stress."
Moving in with her sounds like a terrible idea, frankly. Getting her evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist would be more productive.
I am in the exact same boat...read on!
It sounds like a loving thing to do but what will happen when mother passes? Will you be out on the street.
In all honesty, you are only in your 50's and do you really want to be f/t with 80's and 90's all day. I assume there would not be a lot of others in your shoes.
Independent living may be option. If you have a lot of $$$, this may work. But, if you need both incomes to survive, where will you go after Mom passes. They are not going to stop billing you.
In other words, right now you are your mother's CNA, cook, cleaner, etc.
I chose a luxury apartment modified (handicapped) NOT public housing. Pool, gym, garden on the grounds. Mixed aged group, single professionals, college students, empty nesters, newly divorced.
I work remotely, have a Master's degree. Studying Italian and the violin. First check I write is for my old age. I have siblings who are literally traveling the world, none are hurting financially.
Dad died when I was in grad school, very unexpectedly. When your Mom goes to be with the Lord, you want to still be standing.
I don't think I would do it, the both of you. You are both at different stages. I belong to a group that swims 2x weekly. Basically, we just walk and talk in the lanes, I Iove it, it's my happy place. I have a wide circle of friends and the Church people come every Sunday.
I color my hair, I am well read and I love my mother too, but I don't want to assume older mannerisms, nor does my mother expect that.
Really think this one through. I actually have thought this out too. But I don't think it's a good idea.
I hope I was of some help. I will pray for you!
What other forms of support can you access for your Mother to ease her transition?
What forms of support do you have for this big change?
If you move in with M, it will not help to overcome her dependence on you – in fact it will probably make it worse. Many ALs will let you visit at lunch time for a meal, and to get used to the facility. Do that with your mother first.
Then if possible see if you can negotiate at work for a long lunch hour for a week or two, and go for lunch with her. Sit at a table with other residents and include them (and the staff) in your conversations, to help her get to know a few people.
Helping her to settle in is the only way to get a life back for yourself.
Do not let this stop you from making the appropriate decisions for your mother moving into ALF. There are professionals on staff ( should be , like licensed social workers or others) who can help you both make the transition with your mother in ALF and you resuming what's left of your life on your own in your own place. You may want to explore all of these feelings with professional of your choice ( social worker, chaplain, faith leader of choice, other counseling); there may be other things to consider; like maybe you have become dependent on your mother being with you and this purpose of ' caring' for her will no longer be the same when she moves. Be sure you are affirming her and, getting support for yourself as you both make a big step forward.
She will do fine, make new friends her own age, get involved with the activities.
Don't make up imaginary problems ahead of time, actually to me you appear to be codependent on her, she has become your life's cause.
Not healthy, maybe a little therapy will help you to break the dependence circle.
Good Luck!
That should free you up to get a life. Look for wellness resorts and singles travel.
My poor mother was terrified of moving into a nursing home because she was not only a new widow, she was also almost blind, and was moving to a place she couldn't even see. Of course it was dreadful and hard, and older people have a really hard time with change of any kind or the loss of control over their lives.
I did my best to ease her into her situation by visiting frequently after an initial time away so they could acclimate her at her new place, and she did very well. She never did participate in the activities much because she couldn't see to do most of them, but she was there next to the action and was engaged to an extent. No, it wasn't perfect, but that's kind of how it goes at this point in life -- nothing is as we'd like it.
I think your mom will acclimate to new surroundings, but you need to think about yourself and how you'll handle the changes as well.
Your mother will do fine in the assisted-living facility. Set up her room at the facility with items that she treasures and visit her often as you possibly can. Try your best to de-stress by going to the gym, volunteering, going for walks, listening to soothing music, etc.
MJ is right in stating that sometimes an unhealthy codependency occurs when people live together for a number of years.
I developed an unhealthy codependency relationship with my mother. I sought the help of a therapist to help me work through my emotions and better understand my situation.
It’s natural to have a fear of the unknown.
I can tell you this. When my mom was placed in an ‘end of life’ hospice care home, she did very well. She was appreciative for the care from her wonderful staff. So was I! I was relieved to know that she would be well cared for. She was relieved that her children wouldn’t carry the burden of caring for her any longer.
Your mom will adjust to her new surroundings. You can visit as her daughter again. It’s obvious that you care for your mom’s well being. I am sure that you will be a wonderful advocate and oversee your mom’s care.